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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner devastated....I am confused

156 replies

B5670 · 09/07/2019 21:00

Partner bought a birthday present for me. Quite expensive item. I thought long and hard but had to tell him I didn't like it. Want to swop it for same thing but different colour.
He has now said he is upset...I am ungrateful...
I wanted to tell the truth..
AIBU????

OP posts:
SarahTancredi · 10/07/2019 10:22

I'd say its rude to have no idea of what your partner really likes, know this, buy stuff anyway then kick off when you dont get the right dramatic enthusiastic performance.

Enclume · 10/07/2019 10:31

Esp since lots of people can't wear yellow gold. It looks crap on most pale people.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 10/07/2019 10:34

@Winterlife nails it. If he’s still huffy and petulant after that then you have a bigger problem than a watch I think.

Chamomileteaplease · 10/07/2019 10:36

Is he still upset? And/or is he cross?

Cheeserton · 10/07/2019 10:39

YANBU. If you don't like it, you don't like it. Given you say it's expensive it would be a tremendous waste just to keep and not use it. There really shouldn't be any drama over just getting it swApped for something else.

NameChange92 · 10/07/2019 10:45

He is BU

MarianneAgain · 10/07/2019 10:46

SolsticeBabyMaybe

Of course you are unreasonable! You totally missed the point of presents! Sounds like he put a lot of thought into it and thought he got you something really special. I think in this instance you should just smile and say thank you.

Following this reasoning I would still be wearing the engagement ring my now husband of 30+ years chose for me: it was lovely only he hadn't been able to decide on whether I'd prefer sapphires or rubies... so it had one of each and looked dreadful - like something out of a Christmas cracker... easily put right by making both stones the same colour.... and he wasn't at all upset - or if he was, he was grown up enough not to show it.
Yes, you should be polite when someone gives you a gift, but when it's a close family member it's OK to have an adult discussion and exchange when necessary.

@Strawberrypancakes : glad I'm not the only one!

LillithsFamiliar · 10/07/2019 10:47

Sometimes people hide behind 'truth telling' to be mean so I don't think 'the truth' about a gift automatically trumps kindness.
Obviously, objectively it's better to have a present you will use but I'd always look at the wider context before returning a gift ie how will the giver feel, have I got into a pattern of nitpicking, etc.
I have a relative who always returns gifts. It's an undermining/power/control tactic for them.

upple · 10/07/2019 10:50

Tell him how disappointed you are by him not noticing you don't wear yellow gold.

Loud sobbing might be the way to go.

Usernamewillautodestrustin · 10/07/2019 10:51

I can understand him being upset as he probably took his time to go and choose and purchase it...

However, my husband is the same as yours, he takes a lot of time and effort to purchase me things but they are always things HE LIKES!

He bought me a choker chain once (I am not a small girl) and I could barely get it around my neck. He got in a right huff when I asked him if I could exchange it.

Bottom line if he took the time to actually know what I liked he wouldn't keep getting it wrong. I am not secretive about the things I like, he just doesn't pay attention.

He was going to buy me an exercise bike 1 year and my mum had to step in and tell him it would probably be grounds for divorce ha ha...maybe he wanted that choker to fit! ha ha

SarahTancredi · 10/07/2019 10:52

But expensive doesn't necessarily mean effort either.

For all we know his mate flogged it half price to the dh as the girlfriend it was meant for originally dumped him. Or it was left behind at work and no one claimed it in the requisite 7 days...

If someone is a routine returned then I'd either not bother or just shiver some money in a card.

But if this is a one off then I think its better to approach it like an adult and go chose a new one together.

Nothing to be afraid of or pissed off about
Unless of course you dont have a receipt to exchange it Hmm

notacooldad · 10/07/2019 10:54

I have to say I'm not impressed with some of the comments about the OP's DH showing emotion here because he's a man. There is nothing at all wrong with someone showing emotion. Even if we think it's OTT their emotions are their own
Its got nothing to do with him being a man at all. It's being devastated and close to tears that's the problem. I would expect that from a toddler who is learning to regulate their feelings but not quite mastered it yet.

I cant think of anyone who has given me a present that would have had that reaction if I had said " love the present, but it's not quite right!"
If I started getting upset and tearful and saying that a person was ungrateful because they didnt like the colour of a gift my family would think I was losing the plot! ( and quite rightfully)

Original poster
B5670 · 10/07/2019 10:56

All recorded inside the box when and where it was bought...I suggested we change it together...no was the response.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 10/07/2019 11:11

Its got nothing to do with him being a man at all
that maybe how you see it. But it's missing the point anyway: we have no idea why he's emotional about it but he is. Telling people to suck up stuff that has upset them just adds to it.

The fact that it's being said about a man is just so bloody annoying. Sure, we think (because I do too) he's being OTT but we're not him so we can't know his inner workings. And people should be able to show emotion.

OP - in your shoes I'd make one more go at getting it changed then put it in a box in a drawer and not wear it. And would inwardly seethe that an expensive item has gone to waste because someone is being U. (and it's not you)

upple · 10/07/2019 11:11

Blimey, just leave it in the box then OP...…..and do some very serious thinking.

SarahTancredi · 10/07/2019 11:15

And people should be able to show emotion

If course people should be able to show emotion.

But I think and I think you do too that actually this isnt emotion but manipulation.

notacooldad · 10/07/2019 11:17

ts got nothing to do with him being a man at all
that maybe how you see it. But it's missing the point anyway*
My point was I would say the same to anyone that tried to guilt me into liking something whether it was a man or woman. Nobody deserves tears, be devastated and called ungrateful because the gift is slightly wrong and can easily be sorted out.
I would certainly go off anyone that behaved like that.
Unless there is a huge drip feed that we dont know about we have to assume the fella is a regular guy until the OP tells us otherwise.

Butchyrestingface · 10/07/2019 11:22

I could just about sympathise with him if there was a hint that he holds himself to such impossibly high standards that he can’t cope and melts down whenever he makes a mistake. Wouldn’t want to live with it, mind.

But this doesn’t seem to be the case. He sounds like a petty, manipulative, controlling baby. He thinks OP should have to walk around wearing an everyday item she doesn’t like just to keep his wee torn face happy. Fuck dat.

Gilles27 · 10/07/2019 11:23

Whenever I have bought jewelry for my wife I think of it as a 'jewelry token'. I will decide on a budget and buy something that I hope she will like. It is not unusual for her to say that she loves the thought that went into it, but she would like to exchange it. That suits me as she gets something she really wants and I feel less pressure about having to make sure that what I get is perfect.
I really can't see the problem here and it sounds like he needs to grow up.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 10/07/2019 11:37

Hang on. He's said no you can't change it?

Original poster
B5670 · 10/07/2019 11:45

He said he would leave that to me but made it very clear I was being ungrateful. No understanding of me not wanting to keep it even though I dislike the colours.
Said he would never be like that about a gift as he was 'Not that type of person !

OP posts:
Enclume · 10/07/2019 11:48

Ok. You get him a glittery Jimmy Saville t shirt, a kilt and some yellow winklepickers for his birthday. He will accept them with thanks and wear them because HE IS NOT THAT TYPE OF PERSON.

Chamomileteaplease · 10/07/2019 11:49

I would love to know what type of person he means?

I think you were brave and sensible.

He sounds awful!

Chamomileteaplease · 10/07/2019 11:50

I also think this sort of thing can show a deeper level of incompatibility.

RumpoleoftheBaileys · 10/07/2019 11:51

I think you have bigger problems than the watch...