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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner devastated....I am confused

156 replies

B5670 · 09/07/2019 21:00

Partner bought a birthday present for me. Quite expensive item. I thought long and hard but had to tell him I didn't like it. Want to swop it for same thing but different colour.
He has now said he is upset...I am ungrateful...
I wanted to tell the truth..
AIBU????

OP posts:
31RueCambon · 09/07/2019 23:12

He sounds a bit sensitive.

You haven't been ungrateful in my opinion. You've just been delicately honest and he's still ''devastated''. That sounds tiring.

Enclume · 09/07/2019 23:14

Are you putting words on his mouth, OP?

I have tried and tried but I cannot imagine a man saying he was devastated about something like this.

happybunny007 · 09/07/2019 23:42

You totally missed the point of presents

Eh, Confused err... no, he has!!!

Skittlesandbeer · 09/07/2019 23:49

The only time I had a boyfriend sulk like this (he’d bought me perfume and a dress- neither of which I would wear in a pink fit), it turned out he was trying to make me look and smell a particular way. Not modelled after an ex or anything, but still nudging me closer to a kind of ‘ideal’ that suited his sexual preferences.

That’s why the strop, cos he wasn’t getting what he wanted, and he saw me as taking something away from him. When someone is acting like a toddler, they are probably thinking like an actual toddler.

When a gift is more about the giver than the recipient, something is deeply wrong. Be careful your guy wasn’t trying to change your look on purpose. And don’t pander to sulks, go out and have some fun with other mates. Leave the watch on the kitchen counter, with the wrapping.

StoppinBy · 10/07/2019 00:06

How long since you told him? It is pretty normal to be upset at first if you are the giver in this situation and then to get a chance to calm down once it has sunk in.

He is probably just upset with himself about getting the wrong thing.

ElizaPancakes · 10/07/2019 00:22

It upsets me more when I spend money on a carefully considered gift and it sits in a drawer not being used.

DH pissed me off more times than I can remember, but enthusiastically accepting gifts (t-shirts mainly) and then never wearing them. I would much rather get it right.

IncandescentShadow · 10/07/2019 00:24

Is he upset or devastated OP? Theres quite a range between the two.

It depends on so many things. Do you have a history of being critical about presents? Does he have a history of ignoring your preferences?

Overall I'd say YABU because, once you're past childhood, its often better to say you like the gift, and then a little later if you really can't bear it, say very gently 'you know, I love the watch, but I really love the one in dark blue...'

Strawberrypancakes · 10/07/2019 00:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MoaMartinson · 10/07/2019 00:28

Would he rather you never wear it? YANBU OP.

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 10/07/2019 00:41

@happybunny007 How? He bought her something fancy he thought she'd like (and turns out was a pretty good guess). That sounds thoughtful. Presents are a token of your appreciation of the person, where you use your own thoughts and creativity to find something for the person you are giving the present to. A lot of people seem to think of birthdays as an excuse to think of others as a wallet... just a bit of extra money to buy themselves something they choose themselves... I find that cynical.

Whosorrynow · 10/07/2019 00:55

I find it presumptuous, this choosing of personal items like jewelry or clothes, surely you cant presume to know anothers preferences just by intuition?

CrazyOldBagLady · 10/07/2019 01:00

If I'd bought a gift for someone, and they liked everything about it apart from the colour, and it could be easily exchanged for a colour they did like, then I'd be very happy with that. Both me and DH have been in this exact same scenario with each other and we both ended up with a gift we loved. Jobs a good un.

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 10/07/2019 06:38

I absolutely think you did the right thing to tell him-you are husband and wife not children and if it were me I'd hate it if my DH kept something he didn't like to spare my feelings-that seems ridiculous.
As in PP's I now send DH a bunch of links and he chooses between them. Everyone is happy-he hates shopping and wants to get it right and I think crazy to have money wasted on something I don't want.

Shoxfordian · 10/07/2019 06:46

It does depend on how you went about things, there's a difference between tactfully explaining you'd prefer another colour and saying why have you bought a neon yellow watch for me. He's probably disappointed he got it wrong. Maybe he doesn't have the receipt anymore.

Original poster
B5670 · 10/07/2019 06:47

I think devastated is the correct term. When he was talking about it he was holding back tears. He also compared it to him purchasing an engagement ring and me not liking it!!

OP posts:
mumsiedarlingrevolta · 10/07/2019 06:53

Yikes that is a strong response.

Does he have form or is a reaction like this to a watch in character?
I find it completely disproportionate and am a bit Hmm about where it is actually coming from. Is there more to the story??

RockNRollNerd · 10/07/2019 07:18

I think devastated is the correct term. When he was talking about it he was holding back tears. He also compared it to him purchasing an engagement ring and me not liking it!!

Meh, DH decided he didn’t like his wedding ring a couple of years after we got married so we went and picked a new one as his Christmas present that year. We had got the same style rings but it truly didn’t matter, a few years after that I decided I didn’t really like mine much either so he got me a new one for my birthday that year. No devastation from either us, if anything relief that we had presents sorted for each other for once. My engagement ring needed resetting a few years back and I changed the style too as I fancied a change. Again no drama, it’s ultimately all just stuff and both of us want the other to be happy, marriage is still going strong after over 20 years...

cakecakecheese · 10/07/2019 07:49

Wow that is a bit of an OTT reaction. I mean I could understand him being a bit miffed but devastated and nearly crying seems a bit much. Is he always like that? How long have you been together?

diddl · 10/07/2019 08:03

"He also compared it to him purchasing an engagement ring and me not liking it!!"

Oh dear Lord!

Such drama.

How did you not laugh?

It's all about him, isn't it?

notacooldad · 10/07/2019 08:25

I think devastated is the correct term. When he was talking about it he was holding back tears. He also compared it to himpurchasing an engagement ring and me not liking it!!

What a turn off!!!
Cry over something serious by all means but because you don't particular like the colour of something is just ridiculous.
The number of presents that havent hit the mark in our household would have sent your fellas into therapy. However we tend to say ' you're not keen are you?' The other will say, "it's not quite my thing" and finally the other one will say " no problem, I'll swop it. What do you fancy instead?"

If Dp started holding back tears I would be seriously concerned!!

MatildaTheCat · 10/07/2019 08:30

I note you say partner, not spouse. I recommend you leave things this way if he can’t cope with the disappointment of getting the wrong colour. In this household that would be an excellent result!

Just change it and then praise all the features that you can. And seriously, he needs to work on his resilience.

MyOpinionIsValid · 10/07/2019 08:30

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pictish · 10/07/2019 08:32

Seriously though...this is tipping from hurt feelings and straying into control.
It is not proportionate of him to be so upset over this. Makes me wonder what he’s really upset about. That he should take this so personally rings alarm bells for me...perhaps he expects you to preserve his feelings above all else in other ways too. Maybe he’s an egotist who interprets any inferred criticism, no matter how slight, as a personal attack on him. Perhaps this is how it’s going to be.

Much ado about nothing. He needs to get a grip. Yanbu.

CoraPirbright · 10/07/2019 08:46

But you’re the one who has to wear it - watch/engagement ring/whatever - so it is important that YOU like it!!! What a ghastly cry baby.

I was going to ask how you framed your response ie did you say “god what a horrible colour” or “OH how lovely and generous. What a super present! Would you mind if I swapped from neon orange to blue as it will go with more in my wardrobe so I can wear it more”. That would colour my reaction to his reaction if you see what I mean.

However your update makes him sound appallingly self-pitying! Urrgh!

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 10/07/2019 08:50

He needs to get a grip, it’s a fricking amendment you’re proposing, not an outright rejection.

Unless he has some underlying issues you’re not aware of he’s just being a douche.

And if this was a woman about a man’s gift she’d be a douche too.