Which parent is BU?

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

Parents A and B have two dc aged 4 and 7. Parent A and Parent B have to take consecutive weeks off work in October as Parent A is off work week 1 and kids are off school week 2. Parent A is unable to swap weeks. On Parent A's week off, they will do school drop offs etc for dc and have daytimes to do whatever needs doing round the house etc, so no need to book any childcare.

Parent B has suggested taking the dc away Mon-Fri of their (and dc) week off. The trip suggested is a cheap UK caravan resort.

Parent A would typically have no issue with this, and would likely enjoy the peace and quiet.

The crux - the 4 yo will turn 5 right in the middle of that break away.

Parent A thinks this is not acceptable, and that they should be able to spend the day with the dc (after work of course), wake up and see them and then do a family dinner etc.

Parent B suggests that they do all the gifts and family day on the Sat or Sun prior, and that this shouldn't prevent them taking the trip as it would if they stayed at home for the birthday.

Is either BU?

I think parent B should go away from Saturday and. One back wednesday so Parent A can have dinner with the child. Then parent B only needs to spend 2 days doing local activities before the weekend

But does he not see how unfair it is that he has taken them away lots but is holding you back from doing the same, regardless of the birthday?

I note the issue with cars, but why can't Parent A use Uber instead?

Parent B goes caravaning nearby as planned, and I don't think Parent A has any objection to that? Then Parent A ubers over on Weds after work to celebrate child's birthday, and ubers home again.

@Saltystraw OP has explained the hol is either M-F or Fri-Mon.

The nearest caravan park to us with indoor pool is about a 90 min drive. I think an Uber would be quite costly for 2-3 hours together. Happy to be corrected though!

@SagAloojah I thought that was just most of them.. I don’t think it was ruled out completely.

Uber would be costly for a 90 min journey.. but what amount meeting half way for dinner instead parent and children drive 1 hr and other parent Uber’s half hour.

SaltyStraw that could definitely work.

Please just let the children go...
Your child can call you in the morning and afterwards.
Do you really want to the one who denied the trip just so you can be there for maybe three hours. Of a holiday?
There will be many people who have split who do not see their child and it does not kill them to wait...

mummy I think you may have me confused as the one wanting to stop it. I'm trying to book it

I’ve had a similar situation for the last few years. DD has a birthday that usually falls during half term and DH takes the kids on holiday. I can’t go because I can’t get time off work during that period. I was a bit upset the first couple of times, when DD was 5 or 6, but I got used to it. And DD likes having a second birthday cake after the holiday.

I do understand A’s position but I think it’s unhelpful to be too rigid about celebrating a birthday on the exact day.

i'd let the kids go on holidays, why ruin a weeks holiday over need to see them in person after work on the day, that's just selfish, face time or similar on day, and parent at home has a whole week to plan a special party for when the birthday child arrives home suggest main present is opened that day rather on birthday day

Yes, just realised.

Sorry tell hubby he can get train or bus to see you....if he must..

Parent A is being selfish and only thinking what they want not what you or the children want He can FaceTime

My friends DD has been on School Camp for her last 3 birthdays! They just celebrate another day

I would have no problem parent B going away. Just do birthday at the weekend. But my dh always worked away so we dod birthdays at weekends

So DH (parent A) has just admitted that he has FOMO and the bday was a happy coincidence that he could use as a reason.

He wants to come with as he would he sad being "left behind".

He is a bloody fool. I'd be packing the bags and sending the three of them out the door swiftly!

He sounds very selfish.

He takes the kids off for holidays & is now whining because you want to?

What about thinking of the kids & not himself?

All this talk of Ubers/car hire is ridiculous imo.

What an expense to go to for a few missed hours on a bday!

I work in a school.

I'm with Parent B. Completely.

Dh has all school holidays off with the dc. I work for most of them unless I can book leave

This, coupled with the fact that he has taken them for little holidays while you've been stuck at work, makes him a selfish ass.

Tell him to grow up and allow him the same courtesy you allow him: to enjoy special times with your children one on one when you can.

*So DH (parent A) has just admitted that he has FOMO and the bday was a happy coincidence that he could use as a reason.

He wants to come with as he would he sad being "left behind".*

This is so bloody ridiculous, childish and selfish that I can barely believe it. Your DH needs to grow up.

I have a school teacher friend who has a similar problem in that her DH doesn't work in a school so has 4 weeks leave each year. Every summer he sinks into a depression because he's jealous of her spending the holidays with their children. It's so pathetic, it makes me mad that she's made to feel bad about it!

Personally- I wouldn't object as parent A- they will have a holiday and can do a delayed celebration when they get back- or have one the night before they go. This is about parent A's feelings more than the child who would probably be happy with a wee celebration and then a holiday.

He’s a selfish arse

So have you booked it??

I have a friend her DH WAS A SAHD in the week (Eirjed both Sat/Sun for years).

She would get really angry if he took them fir days out in the holidays as she was ‘missing out’ I thought it was SO selfish especially as she would do stuff with them st the weekends when he wasn’t there (mostly just lunch out as she’s too lazy fir much else) whereas he would them
fir days out on the train, bike rides & picnics, yomps in the woods etc (he wasn’t allowed to drive their car or spend money). How he stayed I’ll never know 🤷🏻‍♀️He has the patience of a saint!

I love my friend but I couldn’t be married to her!

The right thing to do here is what's best for the DC. Which is probably early birthday and then holiday. It's only a huge 'thing' If parent A makes it one, do they have usually form for putting themselves first and making everything about them?

Is it not an option that you travel after work on Friday and do a fri-mon trip? We have done that to go to centre parcs before.

Birthdays are a big deal here and no way would either parents be expected to not see dc on the day. In fact I've said no to one dc going to camp twice as it falls around his birthday each year and this year and last year it's on his birthday. He can go next year as his birthday is a Monday 😂

Pink that would just defeat the point as I'd still be home with dc the whole time dh was working doing our usual stuff. And he couldn't come the weekend as he needs to be at work 8am Monday. So he wouldn't even have work on the days we weren't here.

I do genuinely appreciate everyone's advice and viewpoints. I have also found it interesting reading others views where birthday is such a big deal that a trip like this wouldn't go ahead. But Pink I do find it such a shame that your son missed camp twice because you wanted to see him on his birthday.

Having read that he was using the Birthday as a cover for you not going as he was essentially jealous- that's not fair.

He wasn't bothered by not going to camp, had he of asked to go or I felt he really wanted to go then we could have talked about it but he didn't seem bothered at all. We make enough of a big deal about Birthdays and make them special that he preferred to do that - and have his friends over for a party etc.