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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Which parent is BU?

163 replies

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 09/07/2019 16:37

Parents A and B have two dc aged 4 and 7. Parent A and Parent B have to take consecutive weeks off work in October as Parent A is off work week 1 and kids are off school week 2. Parent A is unable to swap weeks. On Parent A's week off, they will do school drop offs etc for dc and have daytimes to do whatever needs doing round the house etc, so no need to book any childcare.

Parent B has suggested taking the dc away Mon-Fri of their (and dc) week off. The trip suggested is a cheap UK caravan resort.

Parent A would typically have no issue with this, and would likely enjoy the peace and quiet.

The crux - the 4 yo will turn 5 right in the middle of that break away.

Parent A thinks this is not acceptable, and that they should be able to spend the day with the dc (after work of course), wake up and see them and then do a family dinner etc.

Parent B suggests that they do all the gifts and family day on the Sat or Sun prior, and that this shouldn't prevent them taking the trip as it would if they stayed at home for the birthday.

Is either BU?

OP posts:
BlueJava · 09/07/2019 18:40

I think they should go on the break and parent unable to go has to suck it up.

Historydweeb · 09/07/2019 18:42

For what it's worth I can't remember my 5th birthday nor my 8th birthday but I can remember all family holidays after the age of about 3 or 4. Parent A should realise it's more about them than the child

DoAllMeerkatsComeFromRussia · 09/07/2019 18:49

The real question is whether the DC would rather spend a birthday at home so he/she could have two parents around or on holiday with only one. Parent A wants everyone to stay home just so he/she can spend DC's birthday with DC. This is only about what Parent A wants, not about what is best for the family or best for DC. I know when you have little ones birthdays are special (frankly, the novelty wears off OP!) but a holiday away will be lovely for the DCs so Parent A needs to enjoy the quiet at home for a few days and let Parent B get on with it.

clucky3 · 09/07/2019 18:54

I think parent A is being a bit unreasonable. It would be lovely for the child to have their birthday on holiday and I would be grateful for for parent B's offer

AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 09/07/2019 20:08

Parent A should think of the children rather than him/herself. How selfish.

Halo1234 · 09/07/2019 21:00

Parent A is BU. It's about the child. Celebrate the birthday the weekend before (the want a birthday they dont care if it's on the Sunday or the Wednesday....I would go as far as to tell them the Sunday was their birthday. I did this when I had to work Christmas day. I told my then 5 year old boxing day was Christmas day and it wasnt an issue). Let them enjoy their holiday. I assume you are their mum and parent b? Xx

OKBobble · 09/07/2019 21:40

Parent A is unreasonable. Let the other enjoy their half term and 4/5 year old gets to celebrate twice.

NauseousMum · 09/07/2019 21:40

Person a is unreasonable in wanting no holiday so s/he can see dc on their birthday. A fake birthday and watsapp video on the day would be good. But person a is not unreasonable to feel disapointed or sad, they should agree to the holiday though.

MerryMarigold · 09/07/2019 21:57

Ooh so intrigued. But I think person A is the OP. If so, OP, I'm with you. I'm supporting person A here.

In our house there's a lot of traditions surrounding birthdays so this is not something that can be done without the while family present. Personally, I think it's more important to have family time than a divided up holiday. I'd save that money and go for a break all together at Christmas or half term Feb. I don't think it's right there should be holiday memories that one parents misses out on. So I'm coming from it more from that angle. Autumn term is long anyway, so half term is a time where you need a good rest really, couple of days out, local walks, swimming etc. I'm amazed at parent B for wanting to go anywhere near a caravan park for a week with 2 kids on their own. I can't think of a worse 'holiday', but that's by the by.

Original poster
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 09/07/2019 22:07

Sorry ended up at after works drinks. Will read and respond asap

OP posts:
WaxOnFeckOff · 09/07/2019 22:13

But Merry, I guess the point is that not everyone is the same or lives their lives the same. Personally, although I love time spent all together as a 4, I love that I've had time with our two on my own or even with only one of them and also that DH has taken them away either individually or together to do things. In fact it's only just occurred to me know that he took DS2 away camping on his own so he woke up on his birthday with just his Dad (maybe about age 8 or 9) and he loved it and wanted to do the same another time. On another, he was away on Scout camp and travelled home on his 13th birthday so we only saw him just before midnight when we picked him up. Weren't even able to call him as no phones allowed. We''ve mostly all been together on DS1s birthday as his usually coincides with us all being away on our summer hols.

I appreciate that other families might do things differently but there is definitely nothing wrong with having separate trips. What about families that are split up and DC always have separate holidays?

cestlavielife · 09/07/2019 22:18

If it s near enough to drive to then hire a car or book a taxi.
No reason why the parent cannot attend the birthday after work

NameChange9854 · 09/07/2019 22:37

I'm with B.

Original poster
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 09/07/2019 22:43

Ok home. Will read back.

OP posts:
why0why · 09/07/2019 22:51

Birthday should be celebrated on a more convenient date, like the weekend before/after.

This is the norm for my extended family (and a large portion of our friends), as almost everyone works in a field where the work has to be covered 24/7 no matter what day of the year it is: many of us have limited options on when we can book leave, rotating days off instead of fixed weekends, and morning/afters/nights shift patterns to consider too (forces/fire-brigade/police/nurses/carers/farmers/etc).

And its not just birthdays that are moved - I don't think I've celebrated Christmas on the 25th of December more than twice in my life - one year it was February before we managed coordinating days off, and another we shifted it to April Fools for the fun of itGrin!

We see it as being extra special because it's moved, not less special - we have our own Christmas, and because it's not the day that all the other sheep people celebrate it, we can have our friends over too (which is a big hit with the young people Grin), we don't have the mad rush on at the supermarket because it's Christmas eve, and it's usually cheaper tooWink.

It's the same with birthdays, want a summer BBQ/pool party when your birthday is in the middle of winter? - celebrate it 6 months later. Birthday falls on Christmas/Valentines or is the anniversary of when a loved one passed away? - pick another date, celebrate then.

If it's really that important to the parent staying home that they see birthday-child within an arbitrary fixed 24hr period, then they can either video chat (every mobile I've had in the last 10 years has had the ability), or hire a car and drive there straight from work to holiday destination (or meet up part way at a restaurant if that's too far).

I suspect parent staying at home, consciously or not, feels left out, and thinks it's a bit unfair that everyone else gets to go away without them, having fun while they have to stay and go to work.... and perhaps needs some reassurance that they are wanted/needed/loved/will be missed...

I've seen it before when one parent has worked away (eg military) where it can lead to feelings of insecurity along the lines of 'they're managing just fine without me, they don't need me, they didn't even miss me, they don't love me any more...'

So perhaps?
weekend before: child birthday,
mon-fri: holiday away,
weekend after: something special/extra attention for parent who couldn't join?

BarbedBloom · 09/07/2019 22:56

I wouldn't be happy with not being able to see a young child on their birthday so I am with parent a but birthdays are a big thing in my family

Original poster
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 09/07/2019 22:56

l am up to date.

I am Parent B (and mum). Dh (Parent A) cannot amend his leave due to working in a school. And I would either need to take the car or have him drop and collect us which wouldn't really work with his work timings.

As has been said above, lots of these places are Fri-Mon which we couldn't do, or Mon-Fri which (bar the birthday) we can. I could just look for a cottage or air bnb but like the idea of a complex with pool.

Yes, we could stay at home that week, however we are very much an "out and about" family who have ticked off most of the day out options within a 2 hour drive.

Dh has all school holidays off with the dc. I work for most of them unless I can book leave. I would quite relish a few days home alone with only work to think about. And I'd also be absolutely fine if it fell over a dc birthday as long as we acknowledged and celebrated the date beforehand. I'd be happy face timing on the day for a bit.

I'm going to have another chat with him. See if there is any compromise, based on the suggestions given on here.

OP posts:
ravinlaw · 09/07/2019 23:02

I think that it depends which parent pushed the baby out of their vagina and if it's that one that wants to see the kid on their bday then they should be able to but if it's the other way round we'll really I think it should be up to the one that pushed them out. I like to also call birthdays giving-birthaversaries and I don't think the birthers get nearly enough credit. If neither pushed them out ask the kid 😆

ravinlaw · 09/07/2019 23:04

Ah well I see you've revealed parent a and b and my point still stands.

Isatis · 09/07/2019 23:25

Parent B is BU. A week in a caravan park in October will be miserable anyway, and it's not a great birthday for the 4 year old.

Snowy81 · 09/07/2019 23:33

If my child at the option of going on holiday and I had to work, I’d happily wave them off, not because I’d like to see the back of them, but because I’d know they were going to have loads of fun. Having a child with an ex, means that this has come up for both of us, but we’ve always allowed ds to do things which he would most benefit from. Holiday or stay at home? No compromise in my opinion- holiday all the way.

Original poster
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 09/07/2019 23:35

*A week in a caravan park in October will be miserable anyway
This may well be true! Grin I suppose it's weather dependent.

it's not a great birthday for the 4 year old I think he would love a day at the pool and slides there followed by a bit of a dance at a shite disco. But maybe I'm wrong.

OP posts:
WaxOnFeckOff · 09/07/2019 23:46

I think he would love a day at the pool and slides there followed by a bit of a dance at a shite disco. But maybe I'm wrong.

I think you are probably not wrong, wouldn't be my cup of tea, but we do some things for our DC.

This place never fails to amaze me. and, wtf with the person who pushes them out gets dibs? I truly hope that poster does not have sons as I'm sure she wouldn't be quite so vehement when her sons have DC and their female partner gets to spend every event with them and her family since she gets dibs...Hmm

SagAloojah · 10/07/2019 10:49

I am Parent B (and mum). Dh (Parent A) cannot amend his leave due to working in a school.

Thought so Grin

Dh has all school holidays off with the dc. I work for most of them

So he could take them on a break in school hols.

He sounds selfish. Is it really about the birthday or does he resent you having a break with the children?

Original poster
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/07/2019 10:51

He could (and has) taken them away in the holidays before - usually with his brother, mum and his nephew. Never bothered me. I'm usually happy for the peace and happy that the dc are having a ball.

It's the birthday.

OP posts: