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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Which parent is BU?

163 replies

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 09/07/2019 16:37

Parents A and B have two dc aged 4 and 7. Parent A and Parent B have to take consecutive weeks off work in October as Parent A is off work week 1 and kids are off school week 2. Parent A is unable to swap weeks. On Parent A's week off, they will do school drop offs etc for dc and have daytimes to do whatever needs doing round the house etc, so no need to book any childcare.

Parent B has suggested taking the dc away Mon-Fri of their (and dc) week off. The trip suggested is a cheap UK caravan resort.

Parent A would typically have no issue with this, and would likely enjoy the peace and quiet.

The crux - the 4 yo will turn 5 right in the middle of that break away.

Parent A thinks this is not acceptable, and that they should be able to spend the day with the dc (after work of course), wake up and see them and then do a family dinner etc.

Parent B suggests that they do all the gifts and family day on the Sat or Sun prior, and that this shouldn't prevent them taking the trip as it would if they stayed at home for the birthday.

Is either BU?

OP posts:
rwalker · 09/07/2019 17:26

parent A need to grow up the rest of the family miss out because they want to have tea with them after work
perhaps I might be harsh but don't get all this birthday thing It another day but with presents .

Onesailwait · 09/07/2019 17:28

It's only one day. Take the kids away for a week's holiday celebrate the birthday when you get back or before you go.

diddl · 09/07/2019 17:29

Pretty shitty all ways for A I reckon.

Holiday week spent ferrying kids to & from school, catching up with housework, or at least doing day to day stuff that needs doing.

B gets to take the kids away & be with one on their bday.

Well I'm guessing the the kid would want to be away so I would go with B's plan of celebrating when they get back.

Madcats · 09/07/2019 17:30

Tons of kids have parents who are away during the week. It is so easy to Skype/Facetime. A 4 year old really isn't going to care if he has '2' birthdays, though you might have to do the same for the other DC. Parents make the effort to keep in touch.

Looking back, DH and I reckon we had much better conversations with DC when we were 120 miles away than when we were face to face at home!

cornflakegirl · 09/07/2019 17:30

A hires a a car and B books the holiday nearby.

^ this

Teddybear45 · 09/07/2019 17:30

It’s not reasonable for families to go on holiday without a family member.

CruellaFeinberg · 09/07/2019 17:31

FFS - a five yr old will have NO clue about a birthday happening on a different day - just flipping do it

TroubleWithNargles · 09/07/2019 17:32

It's all rather unfortunate timing, but I think on the whole that parent A has to miss the birthday and let the rest of the family go on holiday.

SagAloojah · 09/07/2019 17:33

Parent A is being a twat. He should put the happiness of his children above his desire to see them on their birthday.

bridgetreilly · 09/07/2019 17:33

I'm with parent B. I just don't think it's that big a deal not to be there on the actual birthday. Have the party at the weekend, do all the special things then, and don't make a big fuss of it on the day.

Also, if you do this now, you set a really useful precedent for future birthdays for everyone in the family, which can make things easier on lots of future occasions potentially too.

3dogs2cats · 09/07/2019 17:33

Fake birthday. Definitely

thistimeofyear · 09/07/2019 17:34

Parent A is being unreasonable. Some parents work abroad, are in the services etc. Child is on holiday for their birthday which is a nice treat

Hermagsjesty · 09/07/2019 17:35

I actually don’t think either parent is being unreasonable - it’s a tricky one and I can see both points of view. Personally, I think the kids should get holiday and fake birthday - I can understand Parent A feeling a bit disappointed with that but ultimately the birthday is for the kids and I think that’ll be most fun for them.

doxxed · 09/07/2019 17:36

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

HiJuice · 09/07/2019 17:36

It's the child's birthday not the parent's, so what the parent wants isn't the main consideration. I think I'd go for the holiday and do fake birthday. Parent A will be at work all day on the actual birthday whilst child presumably sits at home in front of tv. Would be better for them to be on hols. It's good that parent B is happy to take them alone and that parent A is in general ok with this.

As an adult I'd rather go away for the week of my birthday and celebrate with e.g. partner on another day, rather than sacrifice the whole holiday just to have a meal with partner after work. Partners views would be secondary

SnappedandFartedagain · 09/07/2019 17:37

At that age I would definitely go for the fake birthday the weekend before, and go away on holiday. It wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

Mind you I think I'm in the minority here as the thought of my DH taking the kids away and leaving me in the house for a week by myself sounds like all my birthdays and Christmases coming at once.

amiapropermum · 09/07/2019 17:37

Parent A is BU. I know it's not nice to be away from your child on their birthday, but the birthday should be about the child who sounds like they'd love the holiday!

Chovihano · 09/07/2019 17:40

Do you not both take the day off for your childs birthday Shock
poor child.

Crafting1Queen · 09/07/2019 17:40

I'm sorry, but Parent A is being unreasonable, and a tad immature imo. They would rather both their children miss out on a whole holiday, doing fun activities, just because "Parent A thinks this is not acceptable, and that they should be able to spend the day with the dc (after work of course), wake up and see them and then do a family dinner etc". Parent A is actually selfishly putting their wants & needs before either of the children's or Parent B. So for the sake of one day, well actually not the whole day - only before Parent A leaves /returns from work, the rest of the family have to hang around the house for that entire week, just to accommodate Parent A's wishes. That's life, birthday's fall on weekdays/days when other stuff happens. Are you going to stop them going to their clubs of an evening/weekend activities of them or siblings because someone's birthday happens to fall on that day. You work around it. They're 5, they're not going to even remember one parent wasn't actually physically present with them on that particular birthday. What they will love though, is looking forward to telling Parent A what they got for their birthday & showing Parent A it when they get home, and just think how excited they will be when they are told there will be another Birthday Cake, with candles they can blow out again, waiting for them when they get home so that everyone can join in this time! The birthday child will only feel like they are missing out, or their birthday has been spoiled because one parent is not there - ONLY if said parents make it so.

You also have to think of the 7yr old here, just think of the resentment that may build up, if this scenario keeps happening with the disparity in the school calendars & their younger siblings birthday keeps falling into their school October week, and they figure out that was why they never got to go away for a few days holiday because of it. I think it's healthy for families to mix up the dynamics and do things with either only one parent etc, it can't always be absolutely fair and equal all the time, life just doesn't happen that way, and you'll never build up their/or your resillience either, if you always try and make it so.

AriadneesWeb · 09/07/2019 17:43

A is being ridiculous. In adult life you often don’t get to celebrate on the actual date of a significant event. When your child gets older they’re more likely to celebrate on the weekend than on the actual day anyway. In fact once they’ve moved out you won’t see them on their birthday at all. I could understand if it was a special birthday like 1 or 18, but they’re 5. Imo A should stop being so precious about birthdays and just celebrate the previous weekend.

AriadneesWeb · 09/07/2019 17:46

Do you not both take the day off for your childs birthday
What if the child is at school? I suppose you think it’s ok to keep them off school on their birthday? 😂 Sorry but that’s not how real life works.

WorraLiberty · 09/07/2019 17:46

Do you not both take the day off for your childs birthday Shock
poor child.

WTF? That's not even a 'thing' is it?

Most birthdays don't fall during the school holidays so the majority of kids would be at school anyway.

SagAloojah · 09/07/2019 17:48

@Chovihano

Do you not both take the day off for your childs birthday shock
poor child.

Are you a lady/gentleman of leisure? Only someone not working could make such a ridiculous comment.

FoxSquadKitten · 09/07/2019 17:50

What if the child is at school? I suppose you think it’s ok to keep them off school on their birthday? 😂 Sorry but that’s not how real life works.
My kids always used to ask to have a day off school on their birthdays. My answer was always 'don't be ridiculous' but I later found out that most kids at their school did Confused

Meltedicicle · 09/07/2019 17:53

Can see both sides but personally, if it were my kids, they would love to go away (especially if there was a pool involved!) so I’d put the kids first and do that, especially seeing as parent A would miss most of the day through work anyway. Also, if you’re in England, I assume the 4 year old will be starting school in September so it would be really nice for them to have a special holiday in the October half term.

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