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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To carry an angry toddler home in a fireman’s lift?

167 replies

Pretendbookworm · 09/07/2019 15:11

Took DS who is 3 in a few weeks to the park. After 25 mins he said he wanted to go home now, and started pulling at the gate getting frustrated. So I opened it. As soon as we were out, he kicked off and wanted back in. I said ok but if you say we going again we will go. Sure enough he immediately started pulling at the gate, getting frustrated, saying he wanted to leave. Again I let him out and he immediately wanted back in. No chance. I said no that’s it we are going. Queue the mother of all meltdowns.

He wouldn’t walk so I carried him, alternating between over my shoulder or rugby ball style. He’s screaming blue murder. Every 50m or so I gave him a chance to walk but he wouldn’t stand, leaving me to just put him lying down on the grass. When he stood he wouldn’t walk so repeat the above.

Anyway, we get close to home and a car pulled over while he was kicking and screaming on the grass again. They paused then drove off. Then another car at a junction had everyone opening staring, shaking their heads with pearl clutching hands at their necks.

I come home, plonk DS in naughty corner for 2 mins while we both have a cry. I find it really bloody hard dealing with tantrums at the moment. I’m 10 weeks pregnant, tired and nauseous all the time and my partner works 12 hour shifts so it’s a long day with a non-napping toddler and no car.

OP posts:
Starlight456 · 09/07/2019 17:22

Ignore the judges fuckers .

RockinHippy · 09/07/2019 17:25

Sometimes it's the only thing you can do with a stroppy toddler. We've all done it I'm sure

TeachesOfPeaches · 09/07/2019 17:26

At one point I was doing it twice daily - in the morning in they way to childcare and in the afternoon on the way. Was soul destroying but he is 3.5 now and can walk for miles

RandomNameChange415 · 09/07/2019 17:27

What are you meant to do if you hear a child screaming as if their throat is being cut?
A) turn round and look to see whether the child is actually being harmed or your help is required
B) steadfastly look in the other direction in case someone might judge you for the ultimate crime of judginess

Nonnymum · 09/07/2019 17:29

No problem with the carrying not sure what else you are supposed to do. I wouldn't do the naughty corner though.

mbosnz · 09/07/2019 17:31

In NZ, force for the purpose of punishment (so smacking), to paraphrase, has been criminalised. Some people thought that horsewhipping a child, or beating it about the head with a piece of two by four was okay, otherwise.

However, reasonable force for the purpose of preventing the child harming themselves or another, or to carry out the everyday tasks incidental to the care of the child and good parenting, is specifically allowed under the relevant legislation.

So reckon under that legislation you'd be okay, OP (and Manclife)

mbosnz · 09/07/2019 17:32

And yes, I know that this is the UK, so the legislation isn't applicable here, but just pointing out how it would work within a jurisdiction that doesn't allow smacking.

Is smacking still allowed here?

PinkFlowerFairy · 09/07/2019 17:33

Would offerig a piggyback help at all? Sometimes it shocks them into thinking that mught be fun, and is easier than a firemans lift.

poshtotty2 · 09/07/2019 17:35

pretendbookworm sounds like you did really well.

Something that someone said to me when I had kids was that nobody said it was easy.

I think fireman’s lift, and rugby hold is way to go when things get tough 😁

Everythingnow12 · 09/07/2019 17:35

Yip, I’ve done this often.

After a mega tantrum in a cafe, a woman who had been staring at us throughout came over, and said “well done, it’s bloody hard work being a mother”. So often, the stares are sympathy

WorraLiberty · 09/07/2019 17:37

@WorraLiberty it would still be classed as an assault and the defence of lawful chastisement wouldn’t be available.

Manclife don't be silly.

Carrying a child out of a park is not an assault Hmm

SudowoodoVoodoo · 09/07/2019 17:38

I've done it innumerable times. DS1 was an epic tantrummer and still melts down (SNs under investigation)

At 8, I can still just about fireman's lift him if necessary... an interesting look when I'm a slightly built 5'2 and he comes up to my armpits. When he explodes as he drops his mask on exit from school, I can usually lift his arm and get him to a position where it's hard to reach and kick at me. We live too close to justify driving and my priority is getting him safely home, then I can get him into a quiet, safe zone to diffuse. The MN attitude if that's what goes on in public, what's happening behind closed doors bugs me as it's so much easier to deal with politely and calmly in private. Fortunately we are getting better at understanding his triggers and diffusing. So I'm not a negligent parent for giving him Coke for the walk home either, just trying to give him enough energy to walk home in a civilised manner.

The toddler years (10m to 5+) were epic. That child had (still has) stamina. The highlight was the heavily pregnant on crutches phase of SPD where I couldn't use the buggy and relied purely on the barely existant good will of my volatile toddler.
I remain permanently grateful to the elderly couple who picked him up from the entrance of Morrisons and put him on a ride on to distract him out of it when I was 38 weeks pregnant and couldn't even bend to him.

Tantruming toddlers tend to make me smile with sympatgetic wistfulness as they remind me my overies are now permanently mothballed Grin

WhenZogateSuperworm · 09/07/2019 17:38

Ive carried 2 year old DS out of soft play like that many a time when he has been tantruming over leaving.

Bansheezus · 09/07/2019 17:41

I wonder if people who agree with this also agree with banning smacking? Because if smacking is banned so is this!

You don't sound intelligent enough to be left in sole charge of a keyboard let alone a child.

misskatamari · 09/07/2019 17:42

Ugh, i've been there. Sometimes you just don't have a choice. My three year old is usually an angel, but by gum he can have some awful tantrums. I've had to carry him kicking and shouting to pick up dd from school before now, It's either that or we'd be late, and i can't trust him not to run off into a road when he's that irate. It's shit but what can you do! Its all a phase, it's all a phase....and repeat

Manclife1 · 09/07/2019 17:45

@Bansheezus aw bless! Can’t cone up with an counter argument so are I the person.

@WorraLiberty so if an unknown guy did that to you’d you’d have no issue with that. Go and google assault and you’ll find that this would be if the law was changed.

Manclife1 · 09/07/2019 17:47

@mbosnz
However, reasonable force for the purpose of preventing the child harming themselves or another, or to carry out the everyday tasks incidental to the care of the child and good parenting, is specifically allowed under the relevant legislation.

Sounds like sensible legislation. Sadly that’s not being proposed in England and Wales.

Ifsomeonehadtoldme · 09/07/2019 17:49

You could try grumpybugs if it’s not too full swing. You pretend to pick bugs off them and eat them saying nom nom nom. Only works before they get a full wind up.

WorraLiberty · 09/07/2019 17:49

@WorraLiberty so if an unknown guy did that to you’d you’d have no issue with that. Go and google assault and you’ll find that this would be if the law was changed.

FFS I agree with Bansheezus

There are literally no words...

mbosnz · 09/07/2019 17:49

@manclife, well, I've given one example of westminster/commonwealth law jurisdiction where the law was changed, and there is an exception within the legislation that means that this would not constitute a criminal act of assault. Which is sensible, because obviously a person trying to constrain a tantrumming toddler, who is their parent, is in a very different position to an unknown guy doing this to an adult woman. . .

mbosnz · 09/07/2019 17:51

Sounds like sensible legislation. Sadly that’s not being proposed in England and Wales.

Sorry, cross-posted. Hopefully they'll look at similar common law, common wealth jurisdictions, and discuss, debate, compare and contrast how it works under fire, and come up with something similar.

kmammamalto · 09/07/2019 17:52

Here with another yanbu!
I'm also pregnant (25 weeks) with a DS similar age (3 at start of Sept) and I was given many 'looks today. DS has skipped melt downs and is instead gleefully running away at any opportunity. Running after him while pregnant has been a nightmare, am trying not to react as he finds it funny so now I get the 'aren't you going to go after your unruly child' looks.
And quite a bit of sympathy to be fair!!
The worst part is we can't even have a cry and a gin... 😪
All the best with your pregnancy... And toddler 😂
Yourr doing great!

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 09/07/2019 17:53

YANBU you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do. I’ve carried both of mine home like that many times especially the youngest who has ASD and has form for doing a runner given the chance. People stare at us a lot I’ve learnt to tune them all out mostly.

gubbsywubbsy · 09/07/2019 17:54

I've done it but equally if I saw a screaming child being carried by an adult I may question it .. and rightly so .. I wouldn't take it to heart though .. toddlers are tricky things 😬

gotmychocolateimgood · 09/07/2019 17:55

Yanbu!