Am i being unreasonable as a step dad

[Charlie231015]

So basically will be as brief as I can. I would love the honest opinion of women so I thought what better place to come as when I have googled stuff before about my kid I would see forums from this page. So my situation; I have been with my partner for 5 years, I have a stepson who is basically 7 and a 3.5 year old who is my biological son. Now the mother has always said I must treat them as equals which I think goes without saying in any situation like this if you get with someone who has a kid you commit to them and there child. The 7 year old's father is about and he sees his son every other weekend for the whole weekend and my partner and him are amicable and from what i gather hes a good father the 7 year old loves him dearly which is fantastic. I have met him multiple times there is no animosity on my part and were civil(why wouldnt we be?) basically my partner wants me to be his dad 99.9% of the time but we have had arguments in the past about who goes on a school report day etc which was easily solved as he didnt want me in there so we alternate me and my partner then him and his partner. Previous to this I wasnt allowed to go to his 1st day at school where i wanted to see him off which hurt me alot, they(my partner and 7 year old dad) had a whole day planned which is kid finishes half day and then they go for lunch etc and back to school i was happy with this arrangement I just wanted to see him off at the gate which really upset me but i got over it. Now the latest thing was he had a minor operation he had to be put to sleep and i wanted to go she kicks up a fuss and saids its me and his dad and theyre gonna go early with 7 year old alternate have breakfast at the hospital so the boy isnt alone then wait and have op I said that I wanted to be there to support the boy and of course if only 2 people allowed in room i will take a back seat wait in hospital cafe at least i would be there, he wanted me there, i could show support and then when he comes out i would be there but she has kicked off and we have fell out. She wants me to play daddy when it suits and i love him to death so i do it naturally but when certain things happen i have to take a backseat and i dont know why. So in my head its come down to these answers 1.) shes too scared to ask him - what would annoy me anyway as its about the boy not the father and if he doesnt like it he needs to get over it we been together 5 years 2.) She doesnt actually want me there - I think your partner is someone you commit too and choose to be with and in this case i have taken him on as my own, she shouldnt even need to say im coming and should expect me to be there because of my relationship with her and the kid. I literally am baffled to why i have to stay away and im upset and i was hoping from a womens perspective i can get the answers i am after. Am i being out of order? does she need to be told that she needs to involve me or am i out of order? thanks for reading this and I would appreicate genuine honest opinions, thankyou

I don't think people can have it both ways. A step parent either is the same as a biological parent or they are not.

If a step parent is expected to treat a stepchild as they would treat their own, then why would they not insist on attending parents' evening, hospital visits and other important events for the child? What decent parent wouldn't want to be involved in this stuff?

If the partner's view is that they are not actually a parent and shouldn't expect to be involved, then I think that cuts both ways, and the partner shouldn't then object if biological children are treated differently.

It seems to me that having four interested and involved parents is a good thing for the child, especially if all can work together effectively and be civil to one another.

OP I think it would be a shame to spoil your relationship and the relationship you have with dss by building this up into a massive thing even though I can understand your point. But honestly be the bigger person here for the sake of dss he doesn't need the adults in his life to be arguing about how much they do with him, he needs a steady, kind person he can rely on to be calm and good humoured and always there for him if he needs you. If you want to know how to act in situations like the hospital one think of what a loving, involved grandparent would do. They would probably visit him at visiting time if he was in a few days or be there when he got home, with a little gift and ready to hear all about it.

• don't think people can have it both ways. A step parent either is the same as a biological parent or they are not.

If a step parent is expected to treat a stepchild as they would treat their own, then why would they not insist on attending parents' evening, hospital visits and other important events for the child? What decent parent wouldn't want to be involved in this stuff?*

Exactly. It was me who took my D(S)S into anaesthesia when his mother was having an operation of her own, and me who took him into anaesthesia for major surgery when mum was falling apart. Birth father nowhere to be seen. I've been there for all the good and all the bad. I love my DS dearly, and he feels the same back :)

Hey Charlie, regardless of what anyone says, you love this child and your partner should appreciate you wanting to be for him and her. Your support should mean everything and your not a switch that can be turned off and on. She should explain to her ex that they should give you the time to see him to let the child know you were there for him which is very important in a young child's life. This is not about ex's who cant make an important adult decision for the sake of the child. I think your partner needs to stand up for what is right for her son otherwise this will be a life long problem. What about when he gets married????? Ive always made sure that my partner has always been given the opportunity as a step father, to be a father and show his love for our daughter. Ive always explained this to my ex. After a few battles my ex has excepted this is was best for our daughter. Its already difficult enough for a child to deal with the separation of there parents. Make easy on the child letting them know you are all there for him. Good on you Charlie your are on awesome dad especially to love another's child as your own, they should be grateful.

First school drop off, I bet he would have loved to see all three if you see him off. Plays and performances, all three again. Parent's evenings all there. Decisions? Mum and Dad. Hospital? all three again. She is shutting you out of the important milestone events which makes you wonder what you are for. You need to tell her how you feel. Her insistence that you parent goes both ways and although you will always defer to her and her ex, your feelings are important too as is your role in his life as his mum's partner.

Hi somebody has just messaged me privately to say that a lot of people have shown loads of support.

Just wanted to thank you all for your opinions whether i agree or disagree with them it has been good to read and get the perspective of people in the same situation or just an opinion from outside which isn't influenced by bias etc.

It really is overwhelming, so thank you and I wish you all the best in your own personal situations.

You can love this child deeply but he will only ever have one father and you need to respect that

He will only have one biological Father. Some people are adopted, do you think their adoptive parents who raise them don’t count just because they didn’t ‘create’ them? Rather silly opinion you have. Of course good, supportive step-parents count.

No I don't think you are being unreasonable. It is a very tricky situation and she can't have it both ways.