Am i being unreasonable as a step dad

[Charlie231015]

So basically will be as brief as I can. I would love the honest opinion of women so I thought what better place to come as when I have googled stuff before about my kid I would see forums from this page. So my situation; I have been with my partner for 5 years, I have a stepson who is basically 7 and a 3.5 year old who is my biological son. Now the mother has always said I must treat them as equals which I think goes without saying in any situation like this if you get with someone who has a kid you commit to them and there child. The 7 year old's father is about and he sees his son every other weekend for the whole weekend and my partner and him are amicable and from what i gather hes a good father the 7 year old loves him dearly which is fantastic. I have met him multiple times there is no animosity on my part and were civil(why wouldnt we be?) basically my partner wants me to be his dad 99.9% of the time but we have had arguments in the past about who goes on a school report day etc which was easily solved as he didnt want me in there so we alternate me and my partner then him and his partner. Previous to this I wasnt allowed to go to his 1st day at school where i wanted to see him off which hurt me alot, they(my partner and 7 year old dad) had a whole day planned which is kid finishes half day and then they go for lunch etc and back to school i was happy with this arrangement I just wanted to see him off at the gate which really upset me but i got over it. Now the latest thing was he had a minor operation he had to be put to sleep and i wanted to go she kicks up a fuss and saids its me and his dad and theyre gonna go early with 7 year old alternate have breakfast at the hospital so the boy isnt alone then wait and have op I said that I wanted to be there to support the boy and of course if only 2 people allowed in room i will take a back seat wait in hospital cafe at least i would be there, he wanted me there, i could show support and then when he comes out i would be there but she has kicked off and we have fell out. She wants me to play daddy when it suits and i love him to death so i do it naturally but when certain things happen i have to take a backseat and i dont know why. So in my head its come down to these answers 1.) shes too scared to ask him - what would annoy me anyway as its about the boy not the father and if he doesnt like it he needs to get over it we been together 5 years 2.) She doesnt actually want me there - I think your partner is someone you commit too and choose to be with and in this case i have taken him on as my own, she shouldnt even need to say im coming and should expect me to be there because of my relationship with her and the kid. I literally am baffled to why i have to stay away and im upset and i was hoping from a womens perspective i can get the answers i am after. Am i being out of order? does she need to be told that she needs to involve me or am i out of order? thanks for reading this and I would appreicate genuine honest opinions, thankyou

I think YABU. It seems totally reasonable to ask a step parent to treat their step children the same as biological children. That doesn't mean your dss would not prefer his bio dad there for an operation.

My dc have lots of relatives - grandparents, aunts uncles, cousins - and I expect them all to treat my dc equally. I know they all love my dc. None of them would expect to be prioritised about the dc's biological parents.

I think your partner seems quite controlling actually with her "demanding" and "kicking off". She can't have it both ways, you either treat the children totally equally or don't. It seems to me as though she's happy to have you there for all the shit like general parenting, paying for parties and clothing but not for the nice bits like first day at school or cheering him on at sports days.

My and exH are both remarried with additional children each. We have all been at some events together, we don't necessarily sit together (sometimes we do). Things like parents days or attending high school open days we discuss and one of us (usually me) goes. It can work, but I'm not sure if it's your partner or her ex that has the problem in your case.

Oh come on MN. If this was a step mother saying do wants me to treat the kid's equally but doesn't want me there for important things there would be screams of LTB

I don't think this is true at all. In fact I think a step mother would get harsher replies than OP, they often seem to!

I've never seen a post where a SM is encouraged to go to things like parents evenings etc... more often told to back off, you aren't their mother etc...

I think that expecting you to treat him as your own child is more about fairness between the two brothers at home, and not feeling like the 7yo is treated unfairly compared to his brother.

If it's something outside your home, and important enough to involve the child and both his parents, then I agree with posters telling you to take a step back (and I'd say the same to a step mum too).

My DC has had an operation with a general anaesthetic. You really don't need three adults hanging around.

YANBU.

My DD has a step-mum. As far as I’m concerned she has three loving parents who want to attend her parents evenings/concerts etc.

I think you ANBU
I'm a step mum and often feel a but pushed out of the way so the 'real' parents can take centre stage.
It's really frustrating especially when you aren't given a proper reason but at the end of the day I get to parent my own
Kids the way I want so I guess I have to respect that my DH and his ex are trying to do that too without an interruption.
There are still plenty of ways to support DSS and DW without actually being at the hospital which make you any less important.

Being a step parent is incredibly difficult. Fwiw I agree with others that you sound like a really good stepdad.

I speak as someone who grew up with a stepdad who I thought of as my “dad” but with my “real dad” still in the picture (not regular access as he moved abroad) and I think that you and your partner should naturally be going as a couple for any event that would ordinarily be the mother & father. The “real dad” should be making his own arrangements.

They may both be his parents but they’re not a couple then it’s confusing if they’re creating this microcosm of unity - both to you, and the son. Being united is great, but they should still be able to be united in their son’s best interests without pushing you out of the picture when something is going on that suddenly concerns them both. He’s also your concern and it’s not fair to by default shut you out.

It’s good that they can coparent etc but if my parents had solely presented a united front at major life points with them not together the rest of the time and my mum’s actual husband ie my stepdad never ever there at any of them, I would have found this very confusing as a child.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. You sound like a good man. Good luck! 😊

I just want to say you sound like a really good dad and your stepson is lucky to have you in his life.

You are not being unreasonable.

As a step mother I completely agree with what you're saying and have been in a similar position to you a few times, step parenting is harder than parenting your own child. You are expected to be there and act like their parent the majority of the time then get completely pushed to the side when it matters the most. I am just going through the journey and trying my best, if its felt they dont need or want me there I won't be there but i know how much it hurts! I honestly dont think I can offer any advice other than try not to take it personally but explain why you are upset and be there to support them but trust me I know how you are feeling!

YANBU you have been in this child's life all this time and your partner cant expect for you to be a father figure only when it suits her. You are all in or all out.

Is your partner a nice person to be with?

You raise a fair point

You have to be (and are ) a dad , but am kicked out at
Some fairly critical times

You should have a calm
Conversation and share how this hurts you

I think you’ve described the essential difficulty of being a step parent in that you’re expected to treat a child like your own but take a back seat to their parents every time. It’s really difficult; I do agree that his dad should be there for those things and he probably finds it very hard that you live with his son but I do see your point that you’re putting everything into treating him the same.
I think you just need to accept that this is one of the difficult parts of being a step parent; your partner has to let the dad be part of the decisions for their son and if you imagine you and your partner not being together wouldn’t you rather you were respected as a dad rather than a stepdad being out first.

YANBU. It doesn't sound like you like your partner much, or she isn't very nice, or both.

You are in a tricky situation but have to remember at all times you need to do what's best for the child. DD has had several.operations and I have had to stay overnight in the hospital with her. Only 1 parent can stay. I have seen divorced parents alternate nights.
This situation will be stressful enough for everyone I think you need to take the moral high ground and take a back seat. Let his mum and dad handle it together. 3 or 4 parents around a hospital bed is too many and you will literally be tripping over one another. Why don't you drop them off at the hospital and pick them up and in the meantime look after the 3.5 y.o.

Tricky as the only experience I have with a step-dad is my uncle who took on his wife's toddler, then they went on to have their own child. Difference is, my cousin's bio dad was a wanker and not involved, and he took on my uncles surname and sometimes calls him dad, although he is aware he has a bio dad. I would obviously expect him to do everything a bio dad would. But that is not the situation here - here the child has a dad already in his life. This means you have to be in the backseat.

However, I do think you should be able to visit him in hospital.

I have two sets of parents and I would definitely have been happy (being spoiled have expected) both sets to be there for an operation. They are all my parents and being little I might have understood "cannot be there because of work" but not any other explanation really

I've been stepdad to DS since he was 2. Birth father nowhere to be seen. At 14 whilst going through teenage angst DS contacted BF and said he wanted to live with him. Took this and DS being emotionally destroyed by BF to realise what a twat he was. DS has always called me Dad and I treat him as my son, couldn't love him more if I had fathered him.

Just hang in there, things will get better over time, but you need to give things room and time to breathe. It will be pretty confusing for your DSS at the moment.

I might be completely wrong, but I thought before general anaesthetic, the hospital ask you to fast? So surely your DSs won't be able to eat breakfast beforehand?

YANBU by the way. I felt this way a lot when DSd was younger. Luckily I nipped it in the bud by speaking to my DP and explaining how I felt. I don't expect to be present at Parents Evening, but otherwise I'm there.

I’m a SM and surprised at the responses. In these scenarios both me and DH, Mum and her DH would attend. We don’t do things all separately we all attend together. Why is this not at option? Surely his Dad is comfortable with you being there? (I know my DH doesn’t care about DSC’s SD).

It’s all very well saying you’re only a SD but you’re a family unit in your own home. If you’re treating both your child and DSC as equals you can’t just stop caring about important events for convenience. This sounds like your wife’s issue with her ex, rather than you.

I think YANBU; being left at home for an operation with no visit is odd and quite nasty when you're living with the boy. I've never been a step-parent, nor needed to coparent with one, it seems from seeing DH's cousin like there are endless issues with it and I'm sure some like in your situation are unnecessary if the parents could accept that if a step-parent is given some loving responsibilities then they should also be given some loving rights. The person to resolve this really is your partner; I'd approach it by focusing on your feelings rather than facts / rights / other people, e.g. that you love the boy and are worried about him, that you're worried he won't know you care too and that would damage your relationship with him. I hope you can resolve it.

You sound lovely and it's nice you have a close relationship with him. U have been dealt a hard card to play. Love him like your own but accept u will never replace his dad. The best thing for your step son is that you all love him unconditionally and dont argue amongst yourselves. Rise above. Yes you want to be there but take comfort knowing he has 2 loving parents with him and is coming home to you. It must be hard not to see important milestones and be there when he is ill but that's his parents place. He has a dad. I understand why you are hurt though but u have to accepting it is the best thing for u all. His dad is in a tough spot too knowing u get to spend more time with him than he does. Let him be his dad. Whilst not easy the right thing to do is step back and not let it be an issue between u and his mum. That will hurt him.

YANBU. I think parents’ evening is a bit of a non-issue, actually his parents could just go together and relay info back at home to their respective partners. Seems long-winded and silly to do two.

Re the hospital. I would have been heartbroken if that was my stepdaughter having an op, and I was expected to keep away. You think of him as a son, treat him as a son and he wants you there, where’s the dilemma in that? I think your wife is out of order for dictating at what points she wants you to be dad and what points you are effectively supposed to keep your nose out! I think the bio dad needs to accept your contribution to his son’s life too, and appreciate that once families split, new people come along and it’s in everyone’s best interest to get along and respect one another’s efforts.

I think you're being reasonable. It's hard to be the parent most of the time but then be excluded at times. And if your step son wants you to be there that should be respected. And sure hang out in the cafe and just pop into the room. It's good that his dad wants involvement but as you are there 90% of the time and there's an emotional connection between you and the boy its natural for you to want to be there. BTW I don't know why the first day at school needs to be such a production and yes a wave at the gate would be good.

Hey OP, I'm in the same boat - two SDs (4 & 9 now) and a 3 month old girl of my own. Their dad has them every other weekend and the occasional weekday evening.

I think my girlfriend did a better job of being upfront of how difficult this role would be with me - she made it clear that what she wanted in a partner was someone who would be there for them in every capacity as a father, but step back for things their dad should take centre stage for when required. She was honest that at times it would suck. She made it clear this was the deal and she'd understand if I turned and ran at that point.

So yeah, those moments when it hits home that you're not there for important events are hard. They suck. I do get invited to more stuff now, partly because their dad recognises that I respect the order of things and is therefore happier with me being there, I guess.

I think though, that your partner is being unreasonable in how she communicates this. It's a little ungrateful not to recognise the emotional cost of being a resident stepparent, who is asked to give a parent's commitment while sacrificing some of the real parent rewards.

But look... my brother is also a stepdad, his SD was just under 2 when he moved in and he went through all this. He stepped up when he needed to and stepped back when it was the right time for that. When his SD turned 18 she didn't remember sports days that he missed, or parents evenings that he wasn't at. She told him he'd been the best father figure a kid could have hoped for. Aim for that moment. That's the payoff for us getting this right, and it's worth a thousand school meetings.