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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am i being unreasonable as a step dad

83 replies

Charlie231015 · 09/07/2019 13:40

So basically will be as brief as I can. I would love the honest opinion of women so I thought what better place to come as when I have googled stuff before about my kid I would see forums from this page. So my situation; I have been with my partner for 5 years, I have a stepson who is basically 7 and a 3.5 year old who is my biological son. Now the mother has always said I must treat them as equals which I think goes without saying in any situation like this if you get with someone who has a kid you commit to them and there child. The 7 year old's father is about and he sees his son every other weekend for the whole weekend and my partner and him are amicable and from what i gather hes a good father the 7 year old loves him dearly which is fantastic. I have met him multiple times there is no animosity on my part and were civil(why wouldnt we be?) basically my partner wants me to be his dad 99.9% of the time but we have had arguments in the past about who goes on a school report day etc which was easily solved as he didnt want me in there so we alternate me and my partner then him and his partner. Previous to this I wasnt allowed to go to his 1st day at school where i wanted to see him off which hurt me alot, they(my partner and 7 year old dad) had a whole day planned which is kid finishes half day and then they go for lunch etc and back to school i was happy with this arrangement I just wanted to see him off at the gate which really upset me but i got over it. Now the latest thing was he had a minor operation he had to be put to sleep and i wanted to go she kicks up a fuss and saids its me and his dad and theyre gonna go early with 7 year old alternate have breakfast at the hospital so the boy isnt alone then wait and have op I said that I wanted to be there to support the boy and of course if only 2 people allowed in room i will take a back seat wait in hospital cafe at least i would be there, he wanted me there, i could show support and then when he comes out i would be there but she has kicked off and we have fell out. She wants me to play daddy when it suits and i love him to death so i do it naturally but when certain things happen i have to take a backseat and i dont know why. So in my head its come down to these answers 1.) shes too scared to ask him - what would annoy me anyway as its about the boy not the father and if he doesnt like it he needs to get over it we been together 5 years 2.) She doesnt actually want me there - I think your partner is someone you commit too and choose to be with and in this case i have taken him on as my own, she shouldnt even need to say im coming and should expect me to be there because of my relationship with her and the kid. I literally am baffled to why i have to stay away and im upset and i was hoping from a womens perspective i can get the answers i am after. Am i being out of order? does she need to be told that she needs to involve me or am i out of order? thanks for reading this and I would appreicate genuine honest opinions, thankyou

OP posts:

Pinktinker · 10/07/2019 10:29

I think YANBU actually. You raise this child 90% of the time, his Dad just pops in two weekends a month. I think you had a right to be there for the first day at school and I think you have every right to attend school events if you have the opportunity to.

Lllot5 · 10/07/2019 10:43

You’re not his stepfather if you’re not married to his mum first of all.
Second he doesn’t need two fathers he has one already you need to step back.
I’m so glad mine are grown and I don’t have to put up with this from my ex and his gf.

JacquesHammer · 10/07/2019 10:58

Second he doesn’t need two fathers he has one already you need to step back

What a sad opinion.

The more loving parents a child has, the better surely?

Deadringer · 10/07/2019 11:04

I think that it must be really hard for you to be there for the child 90% of the time but have to take a step back when his father wants/needs to be there, but I think unfortunately it is the role that a good step parent has to play. Yanbu and you are not out of order to want to be there, it is hurtful but you have to always put the child's needs first, does he really need two dad's present on these occasions? If not be the bigger man and stay home, knowing that you are there for him the other 90% of the time.

OhFuckity · 10/07/2019 11:05

You’re not his stepfather if you’re not married to his mum first of all

I often see this spouted with glee as soon as people realises the OP isn't married. It's an excuse to dismiss the effort someone has put into helping raise a child. Marriage doesn't magically change anything.

I know people with better step parents who aren't married to their biological parent than those with married SP/BP.

Your marital status isn't important to me, how you treat a child, how much involvement you've had in their life, how you behave toward them, all matter much more.

SimplySteveRedux · 10/07/2019 12:30

You’re not his stepfather if you’re not married to his mum first of all.
Second he doesn’t need two fathers he has one already you need to step back.

. FOTTFSOFTFOSM.

WhatToDo999 · 10/07/2019 12:44

As a step-parent myself, i think your wife is being very unfair. She has asked you to treat your SS the same as your biological son, which you have done, but when it comes down to it she only wants you there when it suits.

You have had a massive input into your SS's upbringing and that should be taken into consideration in all matters, not just the boring day to day stuff.

I have been lucky enough to be have been there for my step-children's important moments, along with their mum, dad and step-dad. If I wasn't allowed to be there when it really mattered then, sorry, you can't expect me to be there when it doesn't.

You are not trying to take the place of his dad, like you said he has one, you are being a good step-parent and unfortunately on MN step-parents are not always liked very much x

PinkGlitter123 · 10/07/2019 12:46

I agree with the posters who say that he already has a dad. His dad should always be invited to school events or other important events to do with his child.
You can love this child deeply but he will only ever have one father and you need to respect that.

mummy1970abc · 10/07/2019 13:03

It sounds like you are being a wonderful parent to this child. It’s a shame more parents, biological or not, don’t take the commitment and responsibility of raising a child as seriously as you do.
Your sons and partner should be immensely proud of you.
The worst part is that you do have to suck up the crap parts.. so many events are geared around only two places.. graduation is one of those..
Just carry on with what your doing. And with every pang of disappointment and anger for being left on the side, remember that this is what is making you such a great dad.
Maybe we should campaign to get places to change their policies on the number of those with parental responsibilities that are allowed to attend.
Well done and carry on being great.

JacquesHammer · 10/07/2019 13:06

You can love this child deeply but he will only ever have one father and you need to respect that

No, you think he will only have one father, other people disagree.

PinkGlitter123 · 10/07/2019 13:11

And other people disagree with you Jacques.
This is my opinion, that is yours.
I know op has been in this childs life for a long time but he is still not the dad. An important and well loved person in the child's life I am sure but that child already has a dad.

SimplySteveRedux · 10/07/2019 13:12

You can love this child deeply but he will only ever have one father and you need to respect that.

Pfft. It's extremely likely this boy will love and respect his stepdad more when he hits teens and early adulthood.

As a friend who works in child protection once told me - "Any man can be a father, it takes a special man to be a dad".

PinkGlitter123 · 10/07/2019 13:14

Where did I say the child didn't love OP?
I am sure he does, very much. I am not saying OP doesn't do a great job of looking after this child and loving him. But it still doesn't take away the fact that the child already has a father.

JacquesHammer · 10/07/2019 13:16

This is my opinion

Which you’re presenting as fact.

PinkGlitter123 · 10/07/2019 13:17

As are you Jacques?
You have your opinion, I have mine.

JacquesHammer · 10/07/2019 13:18

*You have your opinion, I have mine

Do keep up.

PinkGlitter123 · 10/07/2019 13:21

You are very patronising. The point of a forum is to express different views. If you don't like that you need to take a step back. There is no need for rudeness.

Mitebiteatnite · 10/07/2019 13:26

I'm gonna go against the grain here, but logically the parents who the child lives with the majority of the time should be the ones going to parents evening. They are the ones who will be supporting the child with homework, school transitions and general everyday school life. So in this case, it would be OP and his partner.

Sports day, awards ceremonies and school plays are different. You can all go and support your child in that case. But a parent/teacher discussion about the child's achievement and possibly advice on how to support them further should be done by the resident parent/stepparent if need be.

There's nothing more frustrating than a meeting with a non resident parent who doesn't know ebough about the child's day to day schooling that they have to be brought up to speed in the 10 minutes allocated.

Karwomannghia · 10/07/2019 13:27

You sound very loving which is brilliant. I’m not surprised he wants you there. However, your partner obviously doesn’t feel comfortable with you and her ex there at the same time and I do understand it. He falls over- who picks him up? It’s awkward. You have to take it on board and say to your SDS when he asks for you but his real dad is there- I’ll be right here waiting, you’ll have daddy there and I’ll get everything ready for when you’re back. Etc. Don’t take a step back, just try and understand what’s best for your sds isn’t necessarily to have 3 adults who have their own little complications with him.

edgeofheaven · 10/07/2019 13:42

So what are this boy’s parents going to tell him when he asks for his stepdad after the surgery? Doesn’t the child’s feelings matter at all? Most children in hospital want to see their family which in this case includes stepdad and younger sibling.

I cannot understand the logic of keeping you away OP and I wonder if there’s some issue from your partner’s ex that you’re unaware of.

RichPetunia · 10/07/2019 13:45

I think you are right to feel hard done by. You need to have a chat saying exactly how you feel. You are not trying to replace the child's dad but would like to your parenting to be continuous and shown to be so. You sound like a genuinely caring person so stand your ground. You are not being unreasonable.

Hanab · 10/07/2019 13:53

If everyone has an amicable relationship why would you not allowed to be there to share the highs and lows?? It baffles me .. I get the separation when either of the ex spouses are difficult ( putting it mildly)

In your case this is different .. surely if all 4 adults show a united front in all aspects of the ( lack of a better term) in common kids it will only the benefit the kid?

ncqueen · 10/07/2019 14:24

I have been both a step parent and my children having a step Dad. Unless it is only a 2 person invitation where biological parents would obviously fill those spaces, then you should absolutely be there.

I have no idea why your partner doesn't think you should be at certain things (or why she wasn't more straight with how it would work considering she demands equal parenting) but you definitely need to have a frank discussion to find out why.

You are not pushing the father out, you just also want to be involved with a child that clearly sees you as family and you do a lot for. I hope you manage to work through this. As others have said, the child's wants come first and I seriously doubt he wouldn't want you there! Is his BF single? Perhaps thats one of the issues but not you nor the child's issue. We always went to separate parents evenings (as in the ex and her H then me and DP) but all were invited to big events. Fortunately never had hospital issues but I would think it was completely unreasonable if I wasn't allowed to go as would my DP as exes H would definitely be there as he lives with them.

Sorry you are going through this and YANBU.

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 10/07/2019 19:09

Yet another situation where it's ok (and actually expected) for the step parent to do all the donkey work and running around and paying out for stuff, only to be told to piss off and be treated like they are insignificant for the important stuff. Sorry, OP. It's shit for you, you sound very kind.

louloured · 10/07/2019 19:18

hello I can see why you're troubled and I can respect all sides .just wanted to say that you sound a amazing step dad partner and daddy and credit to you for all you do and have done .I wouldn't take it to heart your partner may just not want to upset her ex and rock the boat .

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