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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Summer holiday but now the in laws are coming, I really don't want to go

588 replies

Spanglyprincess1 · 08/07/2019 10:28

Just this really. In laws own a holiday home in Europe. We asked last year if we could have it for a week they said yes, we offered money they declined. All good. Booked travel etc and told kids (my 3 dsc, their grandchildren and one mine ds their grandchild also).
The house just sleeps everyone so fine.

They announced yesterday they are coming too holiday is in 4 weeks time. My dp and his parents don't really get on well, he does with his dad but not his mom. He's not happy and dreading it. Plus his mom n dad won't share a room not even a twin room. So now me, dp and very loud 12mth old will have to share a room and the other three mixed sex older children will have to share.

I'm dreading going now. The sleeping arrnagments are not great, dp and his mom will argue, his dad will try and take dp away for their joint hobby in the surrounding area and leave me with all the kids. Which isn't happening as its my holiday too.

I know it's their home plus free etc but it feels rude that they have done this esp when we asked well in advance and it's causes havoc with sleeping arrangments.

I know Iabu but I just don't want to go at all now as it will be very awkward. But the older kids are really looking forward to it.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 08/07/2019 11:28

Can't you just say 'but that doesn't work - there aren't enough bedrooms for everyone'. Then when they argue, point out the problems, as you have done here?

Spell out to them exactly what sort of holiday you have planned - you, DP and DCs all spending time together and what you'll be doing - to make really clear in advance that the shared hobby is not part of this holiday.

You could say they're welcome to join in with you - if they are. That would help make clear that you won't be changing plans to join in with FIL. Or you could ask what they're planning to do with their week - and contrast that with your different plans.

user1486915549 · 08/07/2019 11:28

If your DH won’t man up and say something to his parents I would stay at home with baby and let your husband go and sort out his 3 older children.
If you go you already know you will be seething inside.
It could cause real arguments between you , DH , in-laws and SC
What’s the point.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 08/07/2019 11:30

I' am categorically not going as it stands. I am happy to go if there is a new plan.
I'm going to make some sensible suggestions. I've found a very small place for 300 quid nearby which can just accomadate me and bbay, means I will be on sofa bed but importantly not sharing with baby. His sleep is awful and he needs to be separate from me or wakes and demands me if he knows I'm there.
It's a 30min drive but I'll live with that.
Going out as a family at x time be ready and no discussion also a good idea. As does some lovely night just me n baby n snuggles.

The other option is his parents share a room... Then the fixed plans stand but it solves the sleeping issues.

Other option is. I don't go and dp and kids go. Together. Bbay will have to stay home with me as breastfeeding.

OP posts:
ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 08/07/2019 11:31

Overall I'm with you, but 30 min away is not nearby OP! Seriously, tell this lot roughly where the place is and I bet they can find you something nearer/cheaper.....

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 08/07/2019 11:33

Thank you everyone for your help... I'm. Glad it's not just me who thinks his parents are being a bit unfair.
Only other idea I have is dp and boys in the lounge on airbeds. Me and dsd I. One room and baby in another.
But that's less than ideal!

OP posts:
Topsecretidentity · 08/07/2019 11:34

Is there an airbnb available that's closer?

sunshinesupermum · 08/07/2019 11:35

I agree with other PP that you should at least speak to your PIL to explain why their coming on holiday doesn't work for your and the family - simply that sleeping arrangements won't work, and then book you and the baby elsewhere giving you peace and quiet too!

£300 seems cheap at the price to have your holiday! Let your DH have quality time with his other 3 kids ;-)

Yawninfinitum · 08/07/2019 11:36

Gawd what a nightmare
The not sharing a room thing is ridiculous of them given the pressure it places on everyone else

How about suggesting they just overlap by day two nights?

So you get a holiday as a family and only have to squish up and endure them for the last two days?

Explain the sleeping arrangements will be very difficult with you all there so this works best.

You do know your DP is a bit pathetic don’t you? Refusing to discus this with them and preferring instead to effectively ruin your family holiday?

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 08/07/2019 11:37

I don't want to let the older kids down. If it was me and dp and baby plus smae issues, we would flat not be going!
I will check airbnb. Its very rural so 30min sounds far but actually isn't. If that makes sense.
I have no intention of being a golf widow (th hobby isn't golf but it's a good example) for a week left with mil and 4 kids.

OP posts:
notoafternoontea · 08/07/2019 11:38

I think none of you should go. Is there any chance, even for a fee, you can transfer the flights to somewhere else and find a last minute break somewhere else? Otherwise you're going to end up with some half-arsed compromise that no-one's happy with.

I agree that your in-laws are being very selfish. Does your MIL accept her and DH don't get on or is she really lacking in self-awareness?

Rm2018 · 08/07/2019 11:38

PLEASE just tell them no its not fair in anyone especially kids. I'm a soft people pleaser but even I would be standing firm on this one!

ShatnersWig · 08/07/2019 11:39

In the well worn phrase of MN you have a DP problem if he's not prepared to talk to his parents about this.

Even more so if he pulls a face at the prospect of potentially having to spend some money.

Philmitchell · 08/07/2019 11:39

Have the in laws sorted flights already? Will your DHstand up to them?

lottiegarbanzo · 08/07/2019 11:39

'A bit unfair'!? They're being horrendous! If you'd wanted them there, you'd have asked them to join in with you when you first arranged it.

The only silver lining (maybe) is it is them 'joining in with' you, so on your terms.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 08/07/2019 11:39

I'm cross at dp. He's with pil today so I'm. Going to ring him and insist he discusses it properly with them and explains the issues.
I'm also not sure why I'm the one fixing it but I need a holiday badly so this will do me good.

OP posts:
Chilledout11 · 08/07/2019 11:40

This is so sad though. So unfair and thoughtless of them when you could have got a critical cheap in good time.

Chilledout11 · 08/07/2019 11:41

Euro camp not critical

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 08/07/2019 11:41

She's lacking in self awareness. Last time they went away as a family, dp went out 14 hours a day to avoid her with father in law 2/3 of the time. Hence why I'm very wary aside from the accomadation issues

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 08/07/2019 11:47

This is absolutely horrific. I love the idea of you and baby having your own place. You get some space, sleep better, and your DP can have some time with his parents, since they clearly want that Grin. Plus your FIL won't be able to take your DP off and leave the kids and MIL so they're much less likely to want to come under those circs.

I'd tell him this is the new plan if PIL insist on coming.

I would NEVER do this to my kids. NEVER.

lottiegarbanzo · 08/07/2019 11:48

Will they join you on days out, beach trips etc?

Is your DP capable of telling them that you really need this family holiday and are really, really looking forward to doing x, y, z together as a family, you him and the DCs?

He should be able to dispel any ideas of 'golf' very clearly, while they still have time to change their minds.

MrsExpo · 08/07/2019 11:52

How about you tell ILs that, as they won’t share with each other, then MiL is sharing with DSD and FiL is sharing with DSSs. They are the ones messing up the arrangements so they should compromise.

EdtheBear · 08/07/2019 11:55

How difficult and selfish of them. Given it's their place you can't exactly tell them no.

But I'd suggest either a small place for you and baby or suggest a small place for them.
Good luck

Rachelover40 · 08/07/2019 11:55

Do cancel, think up a plausible excuse so no one is offended - I don't usually encourage lies but you can hardly say, "We don't want to go as you're going to be there".

I actually think your in laws have been insensitive, they should have asked you if they could come because you had booked the week so it was your place for that time. The holiday with in laws would make you very tense and that would not be good at all. They wouldn't be muscling in if you'd rented a place elsewhere, they're taking advantage because they own the house. They probably didn't think all that through though so no point in offending them, you said they are nice people.

I wouldn't want a holiday where we were all falling over each other because of insufficient room. It would make me want to run away!

You will find somewhere else to go at a different time, tell the children that's what you'll do and they'll accept it.

Newtothis2017 · 08/07/2019 11:56

I would definitely not be going at all. Take yourself and your baby somewhere different for a few days, see if any friends want to do something. You will not enjoy it. And yes it should be up to your dp to sort

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/07/2019 12:00

You wrote this re his parents in an earlier comment, "although they can be difficult they are nice people".

Difficult people are NOT nice OP. Where did you get that idea from?.

The other major issue you have here is that your man simply cannot and equally will not stand up for his own self here. A lifetime of conditioning at the hands of such selfish people (he has got a self serving mother and a weak bystander and enabler dad because women like this always need a willing enabler) has harmed him a great deal leaving him with a lot of fear, obligation and guilt.