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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Summer holiday but now the in laws are coming, I really don't want to go

588 replies

Spanglyprincess1 · 08/07/2019 10:28

Just this really. In laws own a holiday home in Europe. We asked last year if we could have it for a week they said yes, we offered money they declined. All good. Booked travel etc and told kids (my 3 dsc, their grandchildren and one mine ds their grandchild also).
The house just sleeps everyone so fine.

They announced yesterday they are coming too holiday is in 4 weeks time. My dp and his parents don't really get on well, he does with his dad but not his mom. He's not happy and dreading it. Plus his mom n dad won't share a room not even a twin room. So now me, dp and very loud 12mth old will have to share a room and the other three mixed sex older children will have to share.

I'm dreading going now. The sleeping arrnagments are not great, dp and his mom will argue, his dad will try and take dp away for their joint hobby in the surrounding area and leave me with all the kids. Which isn't happening as its my holiday too.

I know it's their home plus free etc but it feels rude that they have done this esp when we asked well in advance and it's causes havoc with sleeping arrangments.

I know Iabu but I just don't want to go at all now as it will be very awkward. But the older kids are really looking forward to it.

OP posts:
Whosorrynow · 21/07/2019 13:13

I hope you keep us posted on the aftermath OP!

NoddyAndBessie · 21/07/2019 13:21

@saranade, you know that TV channel, 4 Seven, where it shows everything a week late? Are you on the MN version or are you just physically incapable of reading the full thread and think your twee advice couldn't possibly have been mentioned in the 500 odd posts since?

Motoko · 21/07/2019 13:31

@SaraNade your advice is too late. If you'd read all of OP's posts, or even just the last few posts by pps, you'd have seen that she's already sorted it, by booking her own holiday, with just her and the baby.

You could have saved yourself all that time writing your post.

SaraNade · 21/07/2019 13:33

It's sad though that you've been pushed out of your own family holiday

This is the worst thing. People are congratulating the OP for going elsewhere, but forgetting that this was supposed to be OP and DP's family holiday. And she has been pushed out of her own family holiday. It's a sad situation all round that stretched out for way too long and should have been dealt with the moment they heard the ILs were gate-crashing the holiday. See, this is what happens. A woman feels it's not her place to discuss something with her own PIL-to-be. So she hopes DP will talk to them and he says he'll sort it out (famous last words, as we know from all the stories on here over the years with ILs), meanwhile, it stretches on, she gets stressed, he gets stressed, no one knows what is going to happen, and it ends up with a family separated on their own family holiday. All because a woman felt she couldn't talk to her own IL-to-be; even if her and DP went together and talked to them and he did most of the talking. It's so frustratingly simple yet it turns into joke.

SaraNade · 21/07/2019 13:35

To @Motoko and others; I know she has made alternative arrangements. Yet I was commenting on the situation in reflection, as a whole. Also, it isn't over yet, because we still don't know what her DP is going to actually say to his parents - hey, he'll have to say something when she doesn't show up with him, right?

Blondebakingmumma · 21/07/2019 13:46

Saranade I think the problem is that OP’s PIL aren’t the usual loving family that most would expect. Yes, maybe in another family texting PIL to be would sort out the mess in a few minutes, however, they have heard from OP’s DP why the holiday arrangement will not work and they aren’t budging. If the OP had have had time she would have booked somewhere different with the whole family. But the PIL only told them last minute about the change of plans, hence, other holiday accommodations aren’t as cheap anymore or booked out.
From what I have read (and understood) PIL are somewhat controlling

EdtheBear · 21/07/2019 14:40

I'm glad somebody else posted about how sad this actually is. It was meant to be a family holiday.
I hope DP actually wakes up or this is going to put massive cracks in the family they are trying to blend.

Blondebakingmumma · 21/07/2019 14:52

I don’t think it sad, I think it’s will be a well needed wake up call that OP will not put up with her DP’s parent’s antics

YouTheCat · 21/07/2019 15:03

What is sad is that OP's dp didn't believe this was enough of a priority to try and sort out. It was never the OP's place to sort this out anyway.

I hope you have a lovely holiday and that dp has learned a lesson.

beanaseireann · 21/07/2019 16:06

I dont think its just a pils problem.
They probably thought it would be a lovely idea to all holiday together. It was up to OP's parner to dissuade them. He didnt. It suited him not to.

TowelNumber42 · 21/07/2019 17:48

It perhaps demonstrates why he is divorced.

At least OP has financial independence and isn't married to him. If the scales are falling from her eyes she's not fucked.

SagAloojah · 21/07/2019 19:24

@SaraNade

All because a woman felt she couldn't talk to her own IL-to-be; even if her and DP went together and talked to them and he did most of the talking.

You think you've cracked it but most posters can see that OP talking to them wouldn't have make any difference.

  • it's PIL's property
  • they will get there before OP and bagsy 2 rooms
  • they didn't listen to their own son

I don't think you're meaning to, but you're actually blaming OP when you say 'all because a woman felt she couldn't talk to her own PIL'.

OP has done the best possible thing in this situation. She's an excellent role model to the many women who take this shit every day.

LolaSmiles · 21/07/2019 19:31

SagAloojah
Agreed.
There's a lot of:
how sad it is that the OP Couldn't have just compromised or found a solution aka why can't you be passive and give into the whims of manipulative and pushy grandparents

Surely the grandparents just wanted to spend some quality time with their family aka let's ignore that they were underhand and deceptive when reasonable and caring grandparents would be honest and upfront.

it's sad that the OP has chosen to split the family up on holiday and this could cause family issues aka if there's any comeback then it's the OP's fault for not falling into line

In reality the OP has done what more women should do: stood her ground and stopped enabling controlling behaviour.

2Rebecca · 21/07/2019 19:37

I disagree that they thought it would be lovely to all holiday together. You would have to have the IQ and empathy of a goldfish to not realise that taking the 2 largest rooms in a 4 bedroom house would severely negatively impact the family of 5 who were planning to stay in that house.
If we can all see they were thoughtless and selfish they should have seen that to. I wouldn't do this to my son or stepkids.

TowelNumber42 · 21/07/2019 19:37

Women are expected to solve everyone's problems except their own.

You have done the right thing Sparkle even though there will be people in real life lining up to moan about how difficult and unreasonable you are to have not been a doormat. DP and PILs might try extra hard to make you comply in future. Hold fast!

AnneOfAvonlea · 21/07/2019 20:03

Have a lovely time OP.
Your DP needs to think about his priorities tbh

SagAloojah · 21/07/2019 20:04

@LolaSmiles I completely agree.

ChesterDrawsDoesntExist · 21/07/2019 22:12

Excellent points @LolaSmiles and I agree with you @2Rebecca. It is selfish and the grandparents wanted a lovely holiday with their family only if everyone else went out of their way and bent around them.

My own MIL was staying in a caravan with all the family once. (8 adults 2 kids) She took the bed by the boiler and then complained she could hear it overnight. We offered her a different bed (exactly the same but on the other side) but she huffed and refused to move and insisted that the heating was turned off overnight.
We had a month old baby sleeping on the floor in a Moses basket in our room and said no, it had to be on.
She turned it off after we went to bed. I woke in the night and my poor baby's little hands were ice cold. I've never known terror like that, feeling the cold hands of my baby. Thankfully he was fine. We ended up piling pillows up beside us and putting him well off the floor and using extra blankets and mittens because MIL kept getting up and turning the heating off.

At least it pissed DH off and he agreed that we could get our own caravan next time like I'd be telling him we needed.

M0RVEN · 21/07/2019 23:08

Am I missing something ? I thought that the GP ARE getting to spend a lovely holiday with three of their grandchildren - is that not correct ?

The children’s father ( who I assume is not the resident parent ) is getting to spend quality time with his three older children.

The children get to see their dad and GP without having to fit around a baby and dad’s GF.

And the Op gets peace and quiet for a week with her baby.

Seems like a win all round to me.

I can’t imagine why some posters thing this is a shame . Unless they think it was NOT actually the OPs holiday at all, that it was in fact her job to be nanny and unpaid servant for the week.

Blondebakingmumma · 22/07/2019 08:17

Chester Draws I don’t know how you kept your cool. I would have woken the witch up and told her in no uncertain term that the heating stays on or we leave. What a selfish cow

ChesterDrawsDoesntExist · 22/07/2019 10:26

@Blondebakingmumma I did the quietly seethe thing unfortunately. Spoke up the next day but she got huffy and it wasn't sorted.

I do have an amicable relationship with the outlaws and I regularly take the kids round to visit with or without DH but that's not to say I don't put up with a shit tonne of nonsense I would never consider putting up with, with anyone else.
My DH is a "anything for a quiet life" kind of chap but that holiday meant that he finally didn't care if he upset his mummy the next time and we got our own private WARM accommodation.

EdtheBear · 22/07/2019 18:51

ChesterDraw I'd have been livid. But probably done exactly the same seethe thing

Similar experience holiday, 8 adults my 3yo and SILs 9mth old. Every had to suit 9mth old. No consideration that 3yo couldn't wait until after 9mth old was fed and put to bed to get dinner.

Never again will I do a whole family holiday in one accommodation.

SaraNade · 22/07/2019 18:52

@M0RVEN It was supposed to be a family holiday for OP, her husband, and children. Without the GPs involved. Would you plan a holiday for you spouse and children, and then be forced to spend your 'family' holiday separate from you husband and children?

M0RVEN · 22/07/2019 22:54

It’s a shame for the OP, but she has made her choice. I was addressing the PP who seemed to be implying it was a shame for the GP and the OPs partner.

Perhaps I misread it.

I think it’s good the Op has made a stand this early on with her partner and I hope he gets the message loud and clear. It will be interesting to see how he gets on when he has to do the childcare, eldercare and housework instead of the OP.

It’s funny how men are so keen on self catering holidays when it’s actually wife catering holidays.

katewhinesalot · 25/07/2019 09:19

When are the separate holidays happening and please will you update how you all get on? Would love to know how dh copes with mil for an extended period of time.