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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Summer holiday but now the in laws are coming, I really don't want to go

588 replies

Spanglyprincess1 · 08/07/2019 10:28

Just this really. In laws own a holiday home in Europe. We asked last year if we could have it for a week they said yes, we offered money they declined. All good. Booked travel etc and told kids (my 3 dsc, their grandchildren and one mine ds their grandchild also).
The house just sleeps everyone so fine.

They announced yesterday they are coming too holiday is in 4 weeks time. My dp and his parents don't really get on well, he does with his dad but not his mom. He's not happy and dreading it. Plus his mom n dad won't share a room not even a twin room. So now me, dp and very loud 12mth old will have to share a room and the other three mixed sex older children will have to share.

I'm dreading going now. The sleeping arrnagments are not great, dp and his mom will argue, his dad will try and take dp away for their joint hobby in the surrounding area and leave me with all the kids. Which isn't happening as its my holiday too.

I know it's their home plus free etc but it feels rude that they have done this esp when we asked well in advance and it's causes havoc with sleeping arrangments.

I know Iabu but I just don't want to go at all now as it will be very awkward. But the older kids are really looking forward to it.

OP posts:
bluebeck · 08/07/2019 12:53

So what are you going to do OP?

The more you post, the more I am wondering why you would even consider going to be honest....

TheInvestigator · 08/07/2019 12:53

For goodness sake, just don't go. This won't be a family holiday anymore. It will be arguing, and exhausting and horrible. And your partner will either go off with his dad and leave you to deal with the kids or he will stay with you and complain, and his fad will complain. Just don't go.

Have a good time at home. Explain to the kids that sometimes plans change and sometimes they will be disappointed.

Tell your in-laws exactly why.

AyBeeCee10 · 08/07/2019 12:54

Yanbu at all. I wouldn't go. It's not going to be a holiday for you at all. It was very selfish of them to do this. They booked it all through your holiday so it's not like you will get a break at all.

ElektraUnchained · 08/07/2019 12:54

Yeah I would also not go and just relax at home with baby. Let your DH deal with parents and DC. Only other option is to switch flights if possible.

sneakypinky · 08/07/2019 12:55

Nope, i'd cancel the whole thing and try and get an airbnb elsewhere, or try lastminute.com/trivago for a cheap deal.

I'd rather stick a few hundred on a credit card than sleep in that house.

lottiegarbanzo · 08/07/2019 12:55

It's a no from me (were I you).

Who cares if they can 'see the issue' or not? You're not holidaying in their heads!

Your family needs four bedrooms to enjoy your holiday, so you'll be booking somewhere else.

candycane222 · 08/07/2019 12:56

Gah! How annoying! I think the least worst might be for you not to go, DH to take older kids so as not to let them down, and don't get fooled again. At least then DP can sleep wth the boy(s) and have the girl(s) in another room that way.

WhatsInAName19 · 08/07/2019 12:57

Well the other thing you could do is tell the kids to go and wake granny and gramps when they need someone in the night/at 6am or need a referee because they're knocking stuffing out of each other being all cooped up. Bet they wouldn't try and ambush your holiday next time.

Seriously, I think there is a way to handle this diplomatically but it needs to come from your DH ideally. He just needs to explain what you've explained here. The "shit sandwich" format works well (say something nice - lay out your criticism/complaint - say something else nice). He could tell them that you really appreciate them kindly allowing you to use their holiday home and it’s given you all - especially the children- something to look forward to this year. You didn’t realise that they had planned to also be at the house at the same time and it’s made it tricky. The sleeping arrangements are not workable or conducive to a enjoyable, relaxing holiday if the kids have got to be crammed in together because they will fight and the baby will keep them up. If he feels like it would be worth saying (as opposed to just being met defensively) then he could also mention that you had been looking forward to some family time and if his parents are going it will likely end up him and DF breaking off, leaving you and MiL with kids. At this point he needs to state whatever you decide will be happening, I.e. unfortunately if we’re all in the house together this isn’t going to be the holiday that we had anticipated and we can’t afford to spend all the money on flights, food, trips etc if it’s not going to be the relaxing, fun break we need. I’m afraid if you aren’t able to change your plans then we will have to either cancel the flights or try and find alternative accommodation, although to be honest you’ve rather left us in the lurch by dropping this on us at such a late stage because the options are very limited at this point. It’s not that we object to holidaying with you at all, and we would definitely be up for arranging a bigger family holiday at some point in the future, but not with these sleeping arrangements or at such late notice. I hope you understand.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 08/07/2019 12:57

Can MIL share with DSD?

lottiegarbanzo · 08/07/2019 12:57

And I'd deffo be booking elsewhere en masse, not making yourself out to be the problem person who won't fit in.

Tooner · 08/07/2019 12:57

I would stay at home with the baby and let dp take the rest if the kids. If he nicked off with PIL for 14 hours a day previously you can bet your bottom dollar he will do it this time too. He doesn't seem to have a backbone where his parents are concerned. Do you really want to chance being left to look after all the kids and stuck with MIL every day.

Stompythedinosaur · 08/07/2019 12:57

They are being totally unreasonable. If it wasn't for the older dc I would just not go. As it is, do taking the older one's while you stay at home is probably the most bearable. I wouldn't be pretending that they haven't ruined your holiday either!

ollo · 08/07/2019 12:58

This sounds pretty damn selfish of them, given they are retired and can go literally any time of the year.

Can you move the dates of flights by a week or two to avoid them?

I also don't understand why they can't share a room if they don't see why so many kids or two parents and a baby can't share one?!

If you can't move the flights, I'd book a separate place for you and baby if DH can't sort it out and take in the peace and quiet then do the whole meet the others with a plan for each day, so the GPs can choose to join or not.

WhatsInAName19 · 08/07/2019 12:58

Sorry missed your update. I just wouldn’t go tbh. Is there any way you can change your flights?

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 08/07/2019 12:58

Yeah I think so too. Such a shame. I needed the break. Ridiculous situation but lesson learned!!!

OP posts:
BrokenWing · 08/07/2019 12:59

If there are going for a month with weeks either side of your dates its unlikely they will cancel/move.

Your dp needs to tell them you really need a holiday on your own as a couple and as a family unit not squashed into 2 rooms and feeling more stressed by the time you come home than you did going. He needs to tell them you will be cancelling your holiday because of this.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/07/2019 13:00

Thing is, Spangly, you'll get some kind of a break because it will just be you and the baby if you stay at home and your DP takes the bigger kids away.

So I'd still try and go with that option if you can - or maybe you have parents you could go to for a bit of a rest and break?

MadMadMad · 08/07/2019 13:00

I think that you staying at home is the best option - for you! If you go and stay away you may well find when you arrive for the day that DP and FIL have shot off to do their hobby knowing that you will be arriving to take care of the children and that would be no fun for you.

GiveMeAllTheGin8 · 08/07/2019 13:01

Just tell mil you can’t go unless she shares a room with her husband. Do they not get on?

Amibeingdaft81 · 08/07/2019 13:01

1 week

I’d 100% suck it up for the children’s sake. 100%.

Annoying - yes?
7 nights though! and children all so excited.

Re 12 month old - i would have a week before you leave with him in with me to get used to me being present and it not to be such a novelty.

I would send a friendly email in laws and ask if they’d please have one of the other three on the floor in their room. Sell it as it would be a treat for the children (hmmm but they don’t need to know that). On a rotating basis, so one in one night, then the next etc.

7 nights. It will be fine

amusedbush · 08/07/2019 13:02

They sound unbelievably selfish. I wouldn’t even consider going.

The fact that they are still barging ahead and not listening to reason makes me think they won’t even feel guilty if you cancel, they’ll just whinge that you’re being dramatic or something.

candycane222 · 08/07/2019 13:05

I mean, go to your own BnB if you want to, but it might look very PA (not that that's not justified!) but fairly siple to say tehre just isn't room for you and baby?

BazaarMum · 08/07/2019 13:06

This sounds familiar. My ILS are like this. If we arrange to do something as a family group they’ll want to book a holiday cottage they like but that is too small (i.e. cheap...), and then say “well you can just sleep on that sofa bed and the kids can sleep on the floor” Shock On holiday, for a week! They will of course “need” separate bedrooms as they can’t possibly sleep in the same room due to FIL’s poor sleep.

We are in our forties, work hard, exhausted and really need a rest. Our kids simply won’t sleep well crammed into a living room with their parents. They think us precious and entitled, but like your PILs only had one child, AND in their mind they struggled on cheap holidays so why shouldn’t we (we can afford lovely holidays ourselves and don’t need to!).

It’s a combination of not thinking, and also thinking cramped arrangements should be ‘good enough’ for us, we should bear the discomfort, but they must have their creature comforts.

We no longer holiday with them. Ever Wink

Butterymuffin · 08/07/2019 13:06

Have you got travel insurance that would allow you to get the flight money back?

itsallgoingsouth · 08/07/2019 13:07

I suppose they think it's their place and they can do as they like with it but it's extremely thoughtless. Giving with one hand and taking with the other.

Does their place abroad have safe outside space (patio/garden/roof terrace) with room for a tent or something? Even if you use the living room for a bedroom at night you've still got the problem of fending off FIL 'golf' plans with your DH.

Get a firm itinerary in place now so you're out and about a lot or just elsewhere. Do they expect you to do everything with them? What about meals? Def hire a car only big enough for your brood, not them.

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