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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Summer holiday but now the in laws are coming, I really don't want to go

588 replies

Spanglyprincess1 · 08/07/2019 10:28

Just this really. In laws own a holiday home in Europe. We asked last year if we could have it for a week they said yes, we offered money they declined. All good. Booked travel etc and told kids (my 3 dsc, their grandchildren and one mine ds their grandchild also).
The house just sleeps everyone so fine.

They announced yesterday they are coming too holiday is in 4 weeks time. My dp and his parents don't really get on well, he does with his dad but not his mom. He's not happy and dreading it. Plus his mom n dad won't share a room not even a twin room. So now me, dp and very loud 12mth old will have to share a room and the other three mixed sex older children will have to share.

I'm dreading going now. The sleeping arrnagments are not great, dp and his mom will argue, his dad will try and take dp away for their joint hobby in the surrounding area and leave me with all the kids. Which isn't happening as its my holiday too.

I know it's their home plus free etc but it feels rude that they have done this esp when we asked well in advance and it's causes havoc with sleeping arrangments.

I know Iabu but I just don't want to go at all now as it will be very awkward. But the older kids are really looking forward to it.

OP posts:
Whisky2014 · 20/07/2019 14:33

And 're. This Why should the OP end up spending her holiday making do and inevitably end up doing all the usual domestic stuff but with more stress?
Well she shouldn't, but if she did shed be a martyr. That's up to her. If it was me I'd be making it known I wouldn't be doing the lions share

LolaSmiles · 20/07/2019 14:40

Its obvious the grandparents just wanted to spend time with the whole family.
Then they can be honest and make arrangements to see the family.

They don't need to wait for the family to book their own holiday and then crash it.

They're out of order and have form for this sort of behaviour. Them wanting to see the family is neither here nor there. They shouldn't be so underhand and expects everyone else to move around them (which is what you're suggesting, the OP should just suck it up and make it work).

Well she shouldn't, but if she did shed be a martyr. That's up to her. If it was me I'd be making it known I wouldn't be doing the lions share
Easy to say. Harder when you're in a situation with all the kids and the DP has gone off again with his dad. Does the OP let the children starve?

We are looking at a highly manipulative dynamic that a previous wife has already experienced.
A highly manipulative dynamic where nobody is listening properly to OP's concerns and she s expected to just trust that once they're out there people who are used to doing their own thing and calling the shots will just stop.

She can make her feelings known all she likes but her DP and his parents have shown her what they are like. When people show you their colours then believe them.

She did the right thing. She shouldn't have to suck it up because it makes it better for those who are used to getting their own way.

Whisky2014 · 20/07/2019 14:41

You're making these situation harder then they ever need to be.

LolaSmiles · 20/07/2019 14:45

No. Her DP's parents created the situation. She raised her issues with her DP. DP conveniently forgot to mention it to his parents and then just pats her on the head and says it's ok.

History shows how this goes down. His ex wife has seen this dynamic. Her DP will go out because he doesn't like his mum. Her DP and his dad like to go off and do their hobby for an extended period of time. Oh look, who gets left with the kids?

You've proposed that the grandparents just want to see the family, maybe but they've been very underhand and I wouldn't trust them.
You've said the OP could make it work. Why should she when 2 adults who have crashed their holiday want to grab 2 rooms so they can sleep in their separate rooms?

It's the OP's holiday. She has a DP problem and it's not her job to tolerate whatever shit him and his family throw her way.

Whisky2014 · 20/07/2019 14:49

So that she is still on holiday with her partner and step kids...

I'm allowed to have a different from you and in my opinion I think it could have been resolved easily. You don't. Big deal.

Blondebakingmumma · 20/07/2019 15:02

For those saying that the grandparents just wanted to spend time with the family.... seriously it wasn’t their call to make. They should have asked not decided. So cheeky
Loving grandparents don’t muscle in on a holiday. Controlling ones do

Hillfarmer · 20/07/2019 15:03

Well done OP. You’ve done the right thing.

I don’t think there is any way anyone can make you out to be unreasonable here. They changed the goalposts; you didn’t want to have to squish up and be made uncomfortable - doubly understandable with a wakeful baby - and finally DP did not step up. You weren’t left with much choice.

LolaSmiles · 20/07/2019 15:19

Blondebakingmumma
You've hit the nail on the head.

Loving grandparents don't gatecrash holidays and dismiss the concerns of their grandchild's mother. Controlling ones do.

The problem with controlling people and people who want their own way is that they behave in such a way that backs people into corners so they feel obliged to make do/tolerate /compromise/work around the actions of the controlling one for an easier life or to keep the peace.

Whisky2014
Nobody's saying you can't have a different opinion.
I just find it surprising that anyone would suggest that someone should rework their holiday and make do to appease controlling manipulative types rather than their partner stand up to his manipulative parents and stand up for his partner and children.

PonderingPanda · 20/07/2019 17:04

@LolaSmiles - agree with you completely

TowelNumber42 · 20/07/2019 17:27

DP gets extra bonding with his parents and his children, all of whom he doesn't see as much of as he used to. This is good.

You definitely 100% get a restful break with minimum anxiety. This is good.

DP now knows you don't bluff. This is good.

PILs get to spend time with the grandchildren who are old enough to remember the trip. This is good.

You have done the right thing.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/07/2019 17:41

For those saying that the grandparents just wanted to spend time with the family.... seriously it wasn’t their call to make. They should have asked not decided.

Agreed. I love going on holiday with DH's dad or my DParents or both. But we make EXTREMELY sure it's not self catering, we have separate accommodation, there is something for everyone to do that they enjoy and that DD's routine is managed by us.

I would end up in prison if I had to share self-catering accommodation with DH's dad. he would drag DH out, and expect a cooked meal every night and his laundry done and if I objected, I would be a meanie party pooper. Fuck that.

ICouldBeSomebodyYouKnow · 20/07/2019 17:45

OP, I am in awe of you! Enjoy your holiday with your baby.

FixItUpChappie · 20/07/2019 18:19

I am a bit impressed you followed through OP and your holiday with baby does sound nice. I know I would have sucked it up and went then been angry the whole time with my in laws, ruining it for everyone.

It's sad though that you've been pushed out of your own family holiday - I would never, never do that to my husband. I just can't get where your DP is coming from tbh.

Have a great time.

serenoa · 20/07/2019 19:53

It's sad though that you've been pushed out of your own family holiday

^^^^
This.

I'd be remembering this when the shitstorm arrives from the in-laws.

Grobagsforever · 20/07/2019 21:43

OP YOU ARE AN ACTUAL LEGEND

fargo123 · 20/07/2019 23:49

Well done, OP. I hope you and Baby have a nice time.

Let this be a lesson to your DP that he either gets his act together in future, or faces the consequences.

Weenurse · 21/07/2019 01:06

Well done, great result.

2Rebecca · 21/07/2019 08:23

I would have chosen to stay at home rather than share cramped accommodation with a baby. For me a holiday is supposed to be more pleasant than staying at home. Staying in cramped accommodation with squabbling children and people who don't get on isn't that, plus with 6 people + baby rather than 4 meals become more time consuming and you can end up with a holiday where everything revolves around meals which I hate.

Forensicpsych · 21/07/2019 08:41

Can’t believe your dh has just accepted this?

Apolloanddaphne · 21/07/2019 09:50

Well done OP I am sure you will have a lovely time just you and the baby.

Inertia · 21/07/2019 10:27

Your update made me smile. Your partner took it for granted that you'd just put up and shut up, allowing him to swan off for a week of his hobby while leaving you with all the childcare, cooking and cleaning- he'll be doing a heck of a lot more parenting now. Enjoy your holiday.

Motoko · 21/07/2019 10:36

@2Rebecca OP knows that, which is why she's booked for her and the baby to go on holiday somewhere else. Her partner is going on the originally planned holiday with his children (and parents).

Binglebong · 21/07/2019 12:40

Has your "D"P realised at least one kid will be sharing with him to stop squabbling? After all, theres no need for MIL and FIL to put themselves out sharing now that OP isn't coming to make a fuss.

beanaseireann · 21/07/2019 13:08

Your dp had it all sussed. You say he doesnt earn much but has 4 children. He was going to get free accomodation, you looking after the children while he goes off with his df to do hobby. You do the cooking and housework on your holiday, despite suffering pnd, the children squish in together etc.
Perhaps he knew his parents woukd be there but it wouldnt impact him hugely and for free accommodation he felt he coukd suck it up.
And now youve put a spanner in the works, going off with the baby. He'll have to parent !!
You rock Spanglyprincess1

SaraNade · 21/07/2019 13:12

OP, Tallgreenbottle was right, and other people were trying to tell you, too. They are going to be your pils soon, if you can't talk to them about this, what sort of relationship will you have with them? That you cannot even talk to your pil-to-be, is concerning. You and your partner are a FAMILY. Hence, you should be able to speak to pil freely. Your posts are so frustrating because we all can see how this is going to go, and you're not listening. Your partner is lacks the balls, so unfortunately, you need to take hold of your ovaries and woman up and go speak to them. He is not going to do it, OP, that is more than obvious. He is incapable of prioritising you, the mother of his child, the woman he is going to marry. Unfortunately you have to woman up because he will never man up.

Regardless, forget this rubbish about who goes in what room, all you have to do, is say NO! 'We want to have a house to ourselves, it is important to us as a family unit, we were looking forward to this and don't wish to share. So, sorry but we'll go somewhere else.'
That is all he had to say. TEXT IT, if he couldn't say in person. So you need to do it (or text it), because he sure as the Pope is Catholic is not going to do it. That's all you have to do. Text that you want a house to yourselves this holiday, thank them for their offer, and decline. Takes less than 30 seconds, and it's that easy! It's so frustrating because if you (or your partner, but lets be honest, he can't or won't) had texted that weeks ago, this still wouldn't be dragging out. In a misguided effort to be polite, you and your partner's dithering has dragged this on, when if you had just said no we want a house to ourselves, it would have been settled and you wouldn't be stressing now. What's worse, is that the longest this goes on, the more offended the pil will be, the longer this stretches out. If you had just said no to sharing a house when you first found out, the stress and conflict and offence would be nowhere near as bad.

Please, for goodness sake, just text them and cancel staying there. For your own health and sanity, if for no other reason.