*Trigger Warning* To send this text when FIL supporting paedophile

[Milo2]

Just to summarise what’s happened: My husband has recently told me that he was sexually abused by his 20/21 year old cousin when he was about 11 or 12 years old.

My husband confided in his mother who also informed his dad. She told my husband to stay silent otherwise they would not be able to go on holiday abroad to the paedophiles house each year.

My husband begged them not to have the paedophile come and stay but the visits continued, year after year, with the paedophile now staying in another room (possibly in his younger brother or two younger sister's rooms).

The visits abroad staying with the paedophile also continued, often for the whole of the summer holidays.

The paedophile is due to stay at my FIL’s house in the next few weeks or so.

Last week I rang my husband’s dad’s girlfriend and told her what happened (as my husband is scared of his father and cannot talk to him).

Her response was that she feels sorry for my husband - however she doesn't want this coming in between her's and my husband's dad's relationship. When asked 'what about your grandchildren and all the other children that the paedophile will be around?' she replied 'yes, I'll keep an eye on him'.

Not the response I expected.

Today I called my FIL to tell him I know about the abuse and to find out what his view is. (Secretly hoping he had no idea).

He knew about it and said my husband ‘claims’ it happened but that they asked the paedophile and he denied it, so that was that. He doesn’t understand why my husband is bringing it up after all this time.

Since the phone call he has text me to ask if there’s anything he can do to help. I need to respond sticking up for my husband.

Here’s what I would like to say:

My husband is telling the truth about the abuse. You and your wife failed to protect him, exposing him (and other children) to the paedophile over and over again. As my husband was 11/12 at the time and the cousin was 21/22 this means you were aiding and abetting a paedophile. This is a serious criminal offence in itself. You are still continuing to let him stay at your house with your grandchildren. For this reason we have been advised to keep our child away from you for her safety.

I’ll be saying the names of the people in the text but obviously I can’t on this post.

Is there anything else I should add?

This forum has been so supportive. I’m not talking to anyone else about it at the mo so I really appreciate your advice.

Thanks to everyone that has helped so far. I’ll add a link to the original thread.

I'm sorry your husband has been through this and now you both have to deal with this all now.

I would suggest he speaks to his siblings, and cousins they might have been abused too and think they were the only one.

Don’t worry @Lillieloveisland we are talking to the police tomorrow.
See some posters are saying it's 'hard' utter rubbish, there is nothing 'hard' about reporting a paedophile. What is so hard is the the OP's parent's didn't protect them - shocking.

"See some posters are saying it's 'hard' utter rubbish, there is nothing 'hard' about reporting a paedophile."

It is when you have to give tell a complete stranger every detail of how you were violated right down to what when there, how you reacted, why WHY you didn't say no (which will be picked over in the report they write and given as a reason not to pass to CPS).

Gosh it's all so gloriously easy. You're so right.

I'd say people on this thread are being ignorant but hey - apparently it's better to let randoms wander onto the thread and shame OP's DH for finding it hard.

”There is something completely off about him; even to a stranger hearing brief details about him online. His behaviour back then and continued behaviour/attitude now beggars belief. He couldn't be sane/'normal'.”

Exactly. It’s all really strange. I feel like I can’t say too much or someone might realise who they are or something!!! Which probably isn’t the case but I am a little paranoid.

The mother always wanted a little girl. So first of all my dh was born. So they tried again. Got another boy. Tried again and got a girl.

This girl was spoilt beyond belief with all the time and cash being spent on her and the mother’s (and the mother’s family’s) dream of having a famous ballet dancer in the family.
The girl is a very nasty, unkind person who physically punishes people when she doesn’t get her own way.

She’s disliked by so many, from the secretary (who was a close family friend) to the mother’s best friend, the mother’s best friend’s daughter and even a random guy that owns a business near my fil. They all hate her!!
Anyway my dh and his brother and the youngest sister have always lived in the shadow of her.

Nothing they do is good enough. Everything she does is amazing.

I’ve sat back and watched this for years.

My dh and the other sister confronted their dad about it and he said yes it’s true that she’s the favourite. He blamed the mother though (bearing in mind she’s no longer here!).
It’s all really bizarre. The brother is also heavily conditioned too. I once watched them all get their presents at Xmas and he bought all his sub bling gifts for around £30 each. Then the sister was handed a gift worth £250 because, in his words ‘she deserves it!’.

I was fairly new at the time and just thought how strange. But once you are in that family you see the same behaviour over and over. Just in different forms. They are all belittled and put down except for the sister.

Thank you @2018SoFarSoGreat

Haven't read into the subject, but from what little I know;it's said children or narcissists are either favourite/golden child or scapegoat. Perhaps there's something in that in this dysfunctional family.

*of

You’re right @sventhheaven My dh is finding this all very hard. It took him 3 years after he remembered his abuse to pluck up the courage to try and tell me.

Even then he couldn’t say the words. He tried again a month later and I had to gently probe whilst reassuring to get him to say it.

Now it’s out in the open with us we talk about it every day but he is really scared and doesn’t want to say the words to someone new.

He doesn’t want to say the words over and over again to the point where I have to ring 101 tomorrow and say the words for him.

He’s asked me to do this and it’s taken the support of the people on mumsnet to get him to this point.

One person said ‘unless he’s lying about it’.

Well... I know 100% that he is not lying. If you don’t believe that think about it this way - firstly I’m his wife. I’m on here asking for help - not him.

He didn’t want to think or talk about the abuse ever again after telling me.

Wonder if showing him some of the posts on this thread may help him? Sometimes an outsider’s perspective helps to put things into clarity, as it seems like he is still hesitant to permanently cut contact (ie all will be okay if father would apologise or if nonce stays away). To the rest of us, what happened to him was awful and his family’s actions since have been bizarre, absolutely not a normal dynamic.

All the best when talking to the police! Really major step and I’m very proud of him for having the courage!

there’s the paedo, my fil and his girlfriend. So when I think about it like that the pack is already forming!
remember it is in the nature of a predator to be cunning exploitative and self interested, and they all have a vested interest in silencing the victim

Thank you.

He did read all my threads over the weekend and that was when he said ‘I need to report this to the police’.

He’s not read any posts since then (as far as I’m aware!!!!) but I have been reading some out to him when appropriate.

Your husband should go to the police. Now.

”remember it is in the nature of a predator to be cunning exploitative and self interested, and they all have a vested interest in silencing the victim”

Sad but true. The girlfriend told me she ‘doesn’t want this coming in between her relationship’ with my fil.

So I gather she’s a little scared of him too - like we all are. In other words, she’ll do whatever he wants. If that means supporting a paedo, so be it.

The fil... well where on earth would I start with his reasons... probably that he’s a coward and then the list would go on....

As we start to tell the siblings I expect a loyalty to their father and date I say it... inheritance will come in to play. So we’ll see how that all pans out.

One of the sisters sent my dh a message a few years back saying they should be civil ‘for the sake of their inheritance’. (Not for the sake of their dad. It was all about the money for her).

So yeah.... I dread to think what my poor dh is going to have to listen to just so they can all protect their own needs.

I really hope at least a few come through for him. To me that money is dirty money anyway. If you aren’t keen on the dad don’t take his money!!!

it's said children or narcissists are either favourite/golden child or scapegoat
guess they cant tolerate average or normal, it has to be exceptionally good or exceptionally bad

for the sake of their inheritance
oh yes the inheritance, the king will think he has them over a barrel on that one
of course the monarch is prone to overreach his abilities...

OP I read your original thread and just want to encourage and support you in bringing this up this issue. Agree with previous posters about saying to FIL about withdrawing all contact with gc. It’s the only way.

Good luck to you both for reporting OP. Be ready for your FIL to start employing flying monkey family members to try and change his mind. If they are decent people then they will be far disgusted with the paedophile and FIL to do so, but be ready to cut off anyone being manipulative or trying to make him feel bad.

There will be other victims within your family

There will be other victims within your family

Gosh, yes. Cousins of your DH who visited during the holidays, quite likely, or those remaining in his DM's home country.

”Op I hope you understood/interpreted that I mean 'same outcome' entirely in regard to what you would tell your dh's relatives about the report/investigation should it not be prosecuted, and was not referring to your dh's feelings.”

Yes don’t worry I understand @Moralitym1n1

”Your husband should go to the police. Now.”

He has. It’s been reported in full detail. We are just waiting for the next visit from the police.

”OP I read your original thread and just want to encourage and support you in bringing this up this issue. Agree with previous posters about saying to FIL about withdrawing all contact with gc. It’s the only way.”

Thank you. Do you mean our baby @TakeMe2Insanity

”Good luck to you both for reporting OP. Be ready for your FIL to start employing flying monkey family members to try and change his mind. If they are decent people then they will be far disgusted with the paedophile and FIL to do so, but be ready to cut off anyone being manipulative or trying to make him feel bad.”

Fingers crossed for some decent people @NauseousMum

”There will be other victims within your family.”

”Gosh, yes. Cousins of your DH who visited during the holidays, quite likely, or those remaining in his DM's home country.”

I agree that’s a strong possibility.

Anyway, I’m feeling so proud of my dh for reporting it. He did it for all the children out there who could be suffering right now.