*Trigger Warning* To send this text when FIL supporting paedophile

[Milo2]

Just to summarise what’s happened: My husband has recently told me that he was sexually abused by his 20/21 year old cousin when he was about 11 or 12 years old.

My husband confided in his mother who also informed his dad. She told my husband to stay silent otherwise they would not be able to go on holiday abroad to the paedophiles house each year.

My husband begged them not to have the paedophile come and stay but the visits continued, year after year, with the paedophile now staying in another room (possibly in his younger brother or two younger sister's rooms).

The visits abroad staying with the paedophile also continued, often for the whole of the summer holidays.

The paedophile is due to stay at my FIL’s house in the next few weeks or so.

Last week I rang my husband’s dad’s girlfriend and told her what happened (as my husband is scared of his father and cannot talk to him).

Her response was that she feels sorry for my husband - however she doesn't want this coming in between her's and my husband's dad's relationship. When asked 'what about your grandchildren and all the other children that the paedophile will be around?' she replied 'yes, I'll keep an eye on him'.

Not the response I expected.

Today I called my FIL to tell him I know about the abuse and to find out what his view is. (Secretly hoping he had no idea).

He knew about it and said my husband ‘claims’ it happened but that they asked the paedophile and he denied it, so that was that. He doesn’t understand why my husband is bringing it up after all this time.

Since the phone call he has text me to ask if there’s anything he can do to help. I need to respond sticking up for my husband.

Here’s what I would like to say:

My husband is telling the truth about the abuse. You and your wife failed to protect him, exposing him (and other children) to the paedophile over and over again. As my husband was 11/12 at the time and the cousin was 21/22 this means you were aiding and abetting a paedophile. This is a serious criminal offence in itself. You are still continuing to let him stay at your house with your grandchildren. For this reason we have been advised to keep our child away from you for her safety.

I’ll be saying the names of the people in the text but obviously I can’t on this post.

Is there anything else I should add?

This forum has been so supportive. I’m not talking to anyone else about it at the mo so I really appreciate your advice.

Thanks to everyone that has helped so far. I’ll add a link to the original thread.

Is it really a loss to have no relationship with a father who still scared an adult man (and who let him down as a child when he needed him most, let him be abused, accepted the abusers word over his without a second thought or investigation. My husband would kill someone who abused his child, and I don't mean that figuratively, I mean he would do it and he would do the time. If there was a hint of it he wouldn't rest til he'd gotten to the bottom of it.

Ops husband's father is a strange strange cold fish of a man. I don't know what his emotional/mental issues are but he's no father.

As for the mother ...

These people are no loss, in fact they are a necessary excision.

Anyone else in the family who ostracises ops husband, is not worth bothering with. This is the sad, harsh reality.

Thank you @sventhheaven

We are unbreakable. He made me who I am today. The joke always used to be that I was the ‘rescue job’. In other words he was saving me. I never thought I would see the day where his family made my family look good!!!! That’s what is the shocking thing to him.

It’s crazy how something like that can happen to a little boy, then they are silenced and conditioned to point where it gets so buried deep.

That's assuming they'd be made aware of such an investigation

I presumed the whole point was that op told the parents of the children (?)

If they disregard that, (and if CPS doesn't choose to.proceed op can quite honestly say it is due to difficulty of prosecuting esp historic cases, and does not mean any acquittal whatsoever) they're very unusual people. I don't know many patents who would continue to let the man have access, knowing that

there is an entire realm between reporting and charges and the ignorance on this thread is breathtaking.

And your assumptions and apparent arrogance are similarly so.

*parents

”The second point raised about the impact on ops husband. To be very blunt - if ops husband fully confronts and comes to terms with what happened and his parents part in it; he can't continue to have a relationship with them. Perhaps if they made heartfelt, abject apologies, but I'm not putting any money on that, are you? So they are gone anyway. If this expedites that then”

Couldn’t agree more @Moralitym1n1 My dh doesn’t quite realise this yet. It’s horrible watching it all unfold.

Milo2 you have got this. Yes, you are unbreakable - you have seen behind the facade and they don't know what to do.

You know what to do - you just keep loving your DH as you so clearly do, and supporting him. Try to look after yourself too- this stuff is so tough on everyone but you keep being you. Be the person who sees the bullshit, and loves your DH for himself.

You are doing so great, never stop loving, that's the key.

"there is an entire realm between reporting and charges and the ignorance on this thread is breathtaking.

And your assumptions and apparent arrogance are similarly so."

I don't assume anything. I know because I've been through it. My arrogance? Because I always aspired to be the kid who got raped and learned the process of reporting historic sexual abuse as a result? Well, ok then..

Understandably his head is all over the place. Though. At the moment we have a lot of ‘well if they stop the paedo from staying’... ‘if dad says sorry’... that kind of thing.

The reality is, even if my fil does somehow do any of this (I don’t hold out much hope) - how on earth will my dh forgive him? The damage is done big time and the trust is gone.

"
If they disregard that, (and if CPS doesn't choose to.proceed op can quite honestly say it is due to difficulty of prosecuting esp historic cases, and does not mean any acquittal whatsoever) "

Again, this is an ignorant comment. I said it may well not be passed to CPS, as this is what happens in the majority of cases. CPS will therfore NOT respond, as they don't respond to cases that are not passed to them or charging decisions.

Do you understand the process you are lecturing the OP about?

"if CPS doesn't choose to.proceed"

HONESTLY THE MAJORITY OF CASES DO NOT GET THIS FAR - the police weed out most cases on the basis of evidence long before this.

Nit picker - if the police don't pass it to CPS or of CPS don't decide to proceed - same outcome.

Assumptions because you assumed I meant ops husband's relatives would find out about any investigation from official sources, I did not mean that.

Arrogance because you have called other posters ignorant, in fact breathtakingly ignorant - but as above in my case you hadn't grasped what I was referring to.

Now you're compounding that by saying I'm lecturing op (I haven't once 'lectured op', what on earth are you talking about?) and again being antagonistic and arrogant; " do you even know anything about ...".

Now I think we've wasted enough of ops thread on this shite; of all threads this is not for personal arguments, no matter how abrasive or unpleasant we may find another poster.

”Is it really a loss to have no relationship with a father who still scared an adult man (and who let him down as a child when he needed him most, let him be abused, accepted the abusers word over his without a second thought or investigation.” Exactly!

”My husband would kill someone who abused his child, and I don't mean that figuratively, I mean he would do it and he would do the time. If there was a hint of it he wouldn't rest til he'd gotten to the bottom of it.” Same as my dh. We discussed this tonight, although came to the conclusion that I would go hold I’m back as I want a daddy for my baby!

”Ops husband's father is a strange strange cold fish of a man.” 100% Very bizarre. I don’t understand him at all. Yet - some have said it’s just how he is. But my dh and I saw him totally lose the plot and get very angry when it came to defending his precious, favourite daughter over a trivial matter! So he’s got the passion in him when it comes to her. That’s another story in itself!!!!

”I don't know what his emotional/mental issues are but he's no father.” Exactly.

”As for the mother” She passed away over 15 years ago. Dh even suggested that maybe she was taken as she is a bad person. (I feel awful for even writing that - but obviously he would feel that way!!!).

”Anyone else in the family who ostracises ops husband, is not worth bothering with. This is the sad, harsh reality.” Another thing I said to him today i night, trying to prepare him for what was to come!

As of being abused is not bad enough. Then that
to me it feels as if this was predators working as a pack, one creates the wound, the others rub the salt in at a later date, this happened to me between the ages of 2/3 and 6/ 7, I was left in the care of a male relative 10 years older than I was, although there were times that he accessed me when there were other adults around, he would take me off somewhere quiet.
I remember when I was 6 ish I used to worry that I might be pregnant if my stomach ever stuck out a bit

It feels as if it was done to keep me down, stunt me, stop me from flourishing.
I am functional, but I have issues
If my parents had supported me and showed concern....well I cant imagine them every doing that, but I like to think that I'd be a more at ease person

"Nit picker - if the police don't pass it to CPS or of CPS don't decide to proceed - same outcome."

Nitpicking when you haven't been through it.

EVERYTHING when you're waiting to see what the outcome of the interview of the person who raped you will be and whether your case will be sent on to CPS or NFAd on the basis of the lies of the convincing lies of the person who raped you and that is why you are so breathtakingly ignorant and tone deaf.

"Moralitym1n1 Tue 09-Jul-19 23:11:44
Nit picker - if the police don't pass it to CPS or of CPS don't decide to proceed - same outcome."

I honestly can't get over how vile this was to post on a thread about a man who can't even face reporting in person. Have you any empathy whatsoever for the experiences of people who are sexually abused in childhood.

Any at all?

My dh doesn’t quite realise this yet
I expect he hope they will see sense, listen to reason, apologise
most likely they wont they will just double down, talk across him, they will never level with him because fundamentally in their minds they are above him, he is their subject

"to me it feels as if this was predators working as a pack, one creates the wound, the others rub the salt in at a later date,"

Yes, this is exactly how it feels...one goes in for the kill and the others just sit around looking to disguise what has gone one.

It really is your duty, being aware of child abuse and potential child abuse, that you report his person to authorities, otherwise you and your husband are compliant in this person continuing to abuse children.

I'm sorry to be harsh OP, but that's what it comes back to. His parent's failed him, don't fail the children on your DH side of the family. It would be a hard day in hell before I'd let a child, knowing what I did, come in contact with 'it'.

All I can say is you have both helped me @sventhheaven and @Moralitym1n1

It’s just so evil @Whosorrynow I see what you mean though when you say about them working as a pack!

I’m already preparing for a pack and I’m not the victim and only two of them have been told so far.

That said, there’s the paedo, my fil and his girlfriend. So when I think about it like that the pack is already forming!

But my dh and I saw him totally lose the plot and get very angry when it came to defending his precious, favourite daughter over a trivial matter! So he’s got the passion in him when it comes to her. That’s another story in itself!!!!

There is something completely off about him; even to a stranger hearing brief details about him online. His behaviour back then and continued behaviour/attitude now beggars belief. He couldn't be sane/'normal'.

I didn't recall that your husband's mother had already passed away, sorry. Her behaviour is another baffling, depressing subject.

I don't know whether to think it's that they just couldn't believe it (which sexually 'normal' people may have trouble doing), they believed it but minimised and trivialised it, as has been done re. sexual abuse/exploitation for a long time (in my childhood there was a kind of humourous, stoical, "dirty old men" narrative cloaked in the general secrecy, shame and prudishness about sex) or they just went into complete denial; or some combination.

Whatever the case they failed your husband so badly, have done so with all the other children the abuser has had access to, and continues to do so.

”It really is your duty, being aware of child abuse and potential child abuse, that you report his person to authorities, otherwise you and your husband are compliant in this person continuing to abuse children. I'm sorry to be harsh OP, but that's what it comes back to. His parent's failed him, don't fail the children on your DH side of the family. It would be a hard day in hell before I'd let a child, knowing what I did, come in contact with 'it'.”

Don’t worry @Lillieloveisland we are talking to the police tomorrow.

The only reason that the parents of the children have not been warned yet is because we need to seek professional advice on the best way to go about this.
The paedo will be given the heads up if we talk to any family members so we’ve had to cut contact for now.

Although they don’t know this as yet because no one has tried to get in contact.

Milo2 I am sending you a big virtual hug. You are doing really well here, and sound like you and your DH are a great couple. Your baby is a lucky little one to have you both.

Stay strong. There are so many wise voices here to keep you going through this. You are not alone.

if the police don't pass it to CPS or of CPS don't decide to proceed - same outcome.

Op I hope you understood/interpreted that I mean 'same outcome' entirely in regard to what you would tell your dh's relatives about the report/investigation should it not be prosecuted, and was not referring to your dh's feelings.