*Trigger Warning* To send this text when FIL supporting paedophile

[Milo2]

Just to summarise what’s happened: My husband has recently told me that he was sexually abused by his 20/21 year old cousin when he was about 11 or 12 years old.

My husband confided in his mother who also informed his dad. She told my husband to stay silent otherwise they would not be able to go on holiday abroad to the paedophiles house each year.

My husband begged them not to have the paedophile come and stay but the visits continued, year after year, with the paedophile now staying in another room (possibly in his younger brother or two younger sister's rooms).

The visits abroad staying with the paedophile also continued, often for the whole of the summer holidays.

The paedophile is due to stay at my FIL’s house in the next few weeks or so.

Last week I rang my husband’s dad’s girlfriend and told her what happened (as my husband is scared of his father and cannot talk to him).

Her response was that she feels sorry for my husband - however she doesn't want this coming in between her's and my husband's dad's relationship. When asked 'what about your grandchildren and all the other children that the paedophile will be around?' she replied 'yes, I'll keep an eye on him'.

Not the response I expected.

Today I called my FIL to tell him I know about the abuse and to find out what his view is. (Secretly hoping he had no idea).

He knew about it and said my husband ‘claims’ it happened but that they asked the paedophile and he denied it, so that was that. He doesn’t understand why my husband is bringing it up after all this time.

Since the phone call he has text me to ask if there’s anything he can do to help. I need to respond sticking up for my husband.

Here’s what I would like to say:

My husband is telling the truth about the abuse. You and your wife failed to protect him, exposing him (and other children) to the paedophile over and over again. As my husband was 11/12 at the time and the cousin was 21/22 this means you were aiding and abetting a paedophile. This is a serious criminal offence in itself. You are still continuing to let him stay at your house with your grandchildren. For this reason we have been advised to keep our child away from you for her safety.

I’ll be saying the names of the people in the text but obviously I can’t on this post.

Is there anything else I should add?

This forum has been so supportive. I’m not talking to anyone else about it at the mo so I really appreciate your advice.

Thanks to everyone that has helped so far. I’ll add a link to the original thread.

”Also, to posters discussing the process for reporting to police. I reported a historic rape not too long ago and it went like this”

• phone call to 111 to make initial report
• called to attend police station later that day
• initial report taken by DS on duty and told to wait contact from Specially Trained Officer
• Specially Trained Officer called and made an appt to make a video statement
• I made my statement 2 weeks after first walking into the police station and that was the point after which I could not withdraw the report.

Was it 101 you rang rather than 111 @sventhheaven

My husband has asked me to find out how to arrange a home visit to report. I’ve Googled and it said ring 101. I’ve also asked someone who works for the police and am waiting for them to get back to me.

Sorry yes 101! Oops. But yes.

"My husband has asked me to find out how to arrange a home visit to report."

I think this is a good start.

I doubt they'd be able to do a video statement from home as the equipment is all set up at the police station, but you might be able to get a visit for the initial report. That one is a chance to chat things over and they'll discern if a crime(s) has taken place but it won't be the long, detailed statement you give when you decide to complete the report.

But definitely see what they say.

There was also an option (for me, I'd imagine it'd be the same for him) to do a written statement. That takes a lot longer than the video statement but it was presented to me as a possibility and I wonder if they could do that at home with him.

"I think the path to some kind of recovery is justice."

In an ideal world, yes. Please don't conflate reporting = conviction. These offences are very hard to convict. OP, they will ask your DH who he first told about the abuse and they will need to give a witness statement too.

Were PIL the first people to be told back at the time? If so they are first account witnesses and it sounds as though they may decline to give a statement. You need to think about how it might impact DH when they refuse to give evidence that supports his case.

Posters really need to think through the advice they are giving here - there is absolutely no guarantee of a conviction and DH may well find himself let down once again by FIL who refuse to support his acount in a criminal investigation.

Honestly the people on this thread insisting he must report are doing more harm than good.

The process is very trying. There is weeks and weeks of waiting to find out what action has been taken. It is a very traumatic process and without evidence the case is unlikely to even go to CPS let alone court.

I’ve been through it myself. I’m still on a forum for people abused in childhood and the horrific waiting during the reporting process is torture. Especially as convictions are so rare.

The DH’s welfare (and that of his wife and child) is paramount not some fanciful idea that he can get this offender banged up and all will be well with the world.

FIL who refuse to support his account in a criminal investigation
They will close ranks against your husband and deny everything.

Some things that were said in the case that I have experience of....
He would never do a thing like that
He said he didn't do it
Why couldn't the victim just keep quiet about it
The victim shouldn't go to the police because it wouldn't be fair to cause problems for the paedophile

The mother of the paedophile had expressed concerns that he was abusing other children too, it became clear that everyone knew, they all just denied and minimised as if it's somehow suited them that this man sexually abused children, like it was a good technique to control people and they all secretly approved of it
What the fuck, I don't know, I just don't know

“They will close ranks against your husband and deny everything.”

I think this is highly likely, sadly. You need to consider the added emotional cost to your DH of them denying his experiences in a criminal investigation. They will probably smear him for speaking the truth.

My family spread rumours that I was mad when I finally spoke up.

Horrible, horrible people!!!! How many of you are still in contact with your families and how many have cut contact?

I've not spoken to my parents in 2.5 years.

My abusers was their son so it made somewhat more sense for them to pick the child they loved best (their son) over the child he raped (me).

Your DH's situation is even more unfathomable to me and I've been through it all.

I'm just so sorry, OP. Please do not underestimate how much more your DH's family can hurt him.

I'm so sorry Sventh I hope you have been able to move on and have a fulfilling life. That's the ultimate revenge. Op, his family will do everything to pin the blame on you and dh. Prepare, armour up to shut them and their noise out of your lives.

I didn't need to cut contact, most of my family disowned me when I spoke up, most of them are dead now, hopefully the remaining few will die soon

I am so sorry for everyone who has suffered this terrible betrayal 💐

Whosorrynow - fistbump, recovery is the best revenge. I think back on it now and think the disowning was the best thing that ever happened to me - they finally nailed what was unspoken to the mast.

Cookiedough, thanks, a very fulfilling life. With no small thanks so years of therapy, incredible friends, DH and DC of my own.

OP, it I wish so much strength to your DH and to you. It is so, so hard, but I promise that the rocky road you have started down to separate fro the people who hurt your DH (and you) so badly will be worth it.

Oh @sventhheaven that’s awful. I really am so sorry for you. How is life now? I really hope you have found the happiness you deserve.

Sorry - we posted at the same time!

”Please do not underestimate how much more your DH's family can hurt him.”

Sadly I’m very aware of this. My dh is aware too but perhaps not on the same level as me.

Life is good, Milo, thanks - really, genuinely good.

I am not caught up in that toxic mess any longer. My children are safe. The wood and the trees are so distinctly separate.

I got therapy, got better and found a purpose in life. Abuse is designed to snuff you out, it's incredible when it doesn't.

I feel very deeply for your experience - your DH but you as well. You so clearly love him very much, you have a small baby to care for. These things can feel so unbearable and life is hard enough as it is.

Keep loving each other and the rest will fall together. Blood is not thicker than water. DH's parents are not real family. Look after you, your DH and your DC.The rest are nothing.

”Op, his family will do everything to pin the blame on you and dh. Prepare, armour up to shut them and their noise out of your lives.”

Yep. I keep saying to my dh that I will be the scapegoat. You watch this space. Not because I think I’m not liked or anything but because it’s so much easier to blame someone else. They don't understand personal responsibility.

”I didn't need to cut contact, most of my family disowned me when I spoke up, most of them are dead now, hopefully the remaining few will die soon”

What they did to you was crusty beyond belief. As of being abused is not bad enough. Then that. Obviously you were better off without them.

Out of such a terrible experience which I wouldn’t wish on anyone, some good has come of it. You have helped my husband and I just through your comments alone. Thank you.

My aim is to take a leaf out of your book and help others in the future too in whatever way I can.

People taking about unlikelihood of conviction are missing the main focus ... Even the most laissez faire parents are unlikely to have their kids stay in the same house as a man being investigated for child sex abuse; whether the eventual outcome is a conviction or not.

The above was for you @Whosorrynow I forgot to tag!!!!

Oh and I’ve written crusty! That was meant to say cruelty.

The second point raised about the impact on ops husband.

To be very blunt - if ops husband fully confronts and comes to terms with what happened and his parents part in it; he can't continue to have a relationship with them.

Perhaps if they made heartfelt, abject apologies, but I'm not putting any money on that, are you?

So they are gone anyway. If this expedites that then ....

"People taking about unlikelihood of conviction are missing the main focus ... Even the most laissez faire parents are unlikely to have their kids stay in the same house as a man being investigated for child sex abuse; whether the eventual outcome is a conviction or not."

That's assuming they'd be made aware of such an investigation, which if it doesn't make it to CPS is unlikely. Yes, it may (and should) raise a safeguarding alert but no different to one raised by an anonymous report.

Criminal investigations are only made public to the press once it's passed to CPS and charges are made - there is an entire realm between reporting and charges and the ignorance on this thread is breathtaking.