To feel pissed off at dh asking for 'relief' at 38 weeks pregnant

[newuname]

Name changed but regular poster...
Just looking for perspective really and a bit of a rant!
Currently 38+4 and feeling pretty fed up and uncomfortable. Usual stuff - not sleeping, hips hurt, not very mobile, look like a whale. Never felt less sexual.
Lying in bed this morning dh asks me for 'relief'. So... I've had zero sex drive throughout this pregnancy so I do get that he might be a bit 'frustrated', but really??? When I told him that it wasn't really up for it his response was (TMI alert) 'all you've got to do is form a fist'. This was all quite light hearted and I've suggested that he's more than capable of doing that himself....
But... AIBU to just be a little bit pissed off that he's even pushing it right now? I think it probably points to a wider issue that I don't feel he really 'gets' how I'm feeling at the moment, but prepared to be told that I'm maybe being a little U

@MenuPlant back in "ye olde days" of before porn etc. the value for women was much less anyway ( porn is just an evolution of it)
Brothels, concubines, rape, dogging - all still rife.
Now there are websites for this, porn videos emulating disgusting acts, meet for sex sites, escort sites, dogging and swinging forums - you get the gist.

I'm not saying every single man resorts to this and any decent man wouldn't, as I said most men watch porn to be able to satisfy themselves but it doesn't make it right.
Yes, some men can get off without porn but the industry wouldn't of become so popular if it wasn't for the majority.

@misspollyhadadolly19 it's an important distinction to make between "having to" and "choosing to" because....

I'd also never suggest for him to "just have a wank" either as most of the time for a bloke, it's means watching porn

What you're saying is that it's preferable to allow yourself to be used a sex aid when you are not in the mood, rather than your partner "having to" watch porn while he wanks. So basically, men can make a choice (to watch porn) and women should be held to ransom by it.

@whatsinaname19 as I said "I'd prefer" I'm talking about my personal preference only. Some couples watch porn together, some women have no issue with their DP watching porn by themselves but I'm very anti porn so I'm admittedly bias.

No one's saying for a woman to be held ransom over it but everyone has sexual needs and desires, he's not in the wrong for requesting relief from his wife. If he forced or coerced then of course that would be wrong but that really isn't the case here.

If this was a man always masturbating instead of being intimate with his DP then the comments would be very different - I can bet my life on that!
One of the bonuses of being in a committed relationship is having a sexual partner, sex is a big thing and if neglected for too long can create a barrier. It should always be consensual, wanted and desired by both parties involved and asking for it does not warrant half the abuse the man is getting on some of these comments.

back in "ye olde days" of before porn etc.
Porn was ALWAYS here in some form or another. Drawings, figures etc. Really kicked off after cameras and later video recording were available.

I have read the thread in open mouth wonder, how some minds work.

Man asks wife for a wank shocker!

He asked, you said no, what's the issue?

Misspolly I don't feel like you answered the question

'Also before VHS and mainstream porn, men had more worrying ways of satisfying themselves.''

What did men do before about 1975 that was so awful, and they don't do it any more?

You could have given him a warmed cantaloupe and left the room.

More evidence from MN that domestic violence against men doesn't count.

Punch him in the stomach, punch him in the cock, hit him with a brick etc.

Really grim and endlessly eye-opening.

@MenuPlant "sheep shagging" joking

Has anyone actually thought that his asking is in fact quite the compliment??? I’m sure he’s well aware he could just nip into the bathroom for a quick tug. The fact of the matter here is that he knows OP isn’t feeling up to sex so he’s aiming for the next best thing in order to feel intimate and close to the woman he loves. It didn’t go to plan and he backed off brushing it off as a little bit of humour. Go him!!

@MenuPlant you are only quoting parts of my posts I don't understand why? I answered the question. Some of the things do still happen but in theory the value of women has increased since then.
Unfortunately, with access to the internet it shows some do still hold little value of us though.

A husband wanting his wife to sexually please him is nothing to be disgusted or up in arms about. It's natural and a big part of a marriage.

I know Id be alot more upset to think my DH was just pleasing himself instead of actually wanting me to do it, as @littlejets has explained, it's more of a compliment.

Well first off you're pregnant so you are allowed to get pissed off by perfectly reasonable requests. He asked you declined he accepted that and injected a little humour into the exchange. I am slightly puzzled by some of the responses. A couple of nights ago i was feeling horney but didnt want full sex, I asked my dh if he could do the honors manually does that make me a sex pest?

I don’t think he was unreasonable to be honest. I’m prepared to be flamed for saying that, but so what if he asked?

Lol topcat

Some funny ideas on here for sure!

A couple of nights ago i was feeling horney but didnt want full sex, I asked my dh if he could do the honors manually does that make me a sex pest?
Well that depends. Is your husband currently in a physical state that's extremely uncomfortable, exhausting and affecting his mobility? Do you know that he's not feeling like having sex at the moment? If he said he wasn't in the mood, did you push it further? Unless the answer to all the above is "yes" then your situation is not comparable to the OP.

but I'm very anti porn so I'm admittedly bias

So am I. But I don't feel that I have to engage in sexual contact when I'd rather not just in case my husband has a wank instead, which naturally means he has to watch porn 🙄 Similarly, I would not allow him to place the blame or responsibility onto me for his choice to watch porn, because I turned down the opportunity to give him a hand job when I was pregnant (or at any other time). That would still be HIS choice, independent of my actions.

No one's saying for a woman to be held ransom over it

As above, if you engage in sexual activity that you don't want, out of a sense of fear that to decline would drive your husband to porn, THAT'S being held to ransom.

If this was a man always masturbating instead of being intimate with his DP then the comments would be very different - I can bet my life on that!

You've lost me here. How is this at all relevant?

As a man who has experienced domestic violence, can I just say "thank you" to the women on here calling out the posters who have advocated punching the husband.

Unfortunately, it is all too common to see comments on Mumsnet that advocate violence towards men. Unfortunately, they rarely seem to be joking. Even where they are joking, you would have hoped that the days of domestic violence being the (forgive terminology) punchline for a joke were long past us.

Just to be clear....one in three victims of domestic abuse is male. Men are far less likely than women to report it when they are on the receiving end - not least because of the attitude in society in which violence from women towards men is somehow viewed as funny. Those of you who are posting that stuff are part of the problem. Take a long hard look in the mirror. It is not acceptable for anybody - male or female - to suggest using violence to keep a partner in line.

Incidentally, I offer a comparison, since so many people on here like to talk about the lower standards that men live by.

I am also a member of a men-only single dads group on Facebook. It has tens of thousands of members across the globe. In its early days, there were a few instances of men posting 'jokes' about punching their ex. The rest of us in the group came down on those guys like a ton of bricks. We got the rules of the group changed, to operate a zero tolerance policy towards anyone using violent language (whether serious or not) when talking about women. Anybody who tries that gets immediately booted from the group.

Maybe the minority of Mumsnet users who think violence towards men is okay, could learn something from those men.

I feel that I wanted to write something as this post has taken on a life of its own!
Tbh I do regret posting now. This morning I was grumpy and hormonal and probably just looking for a bit of validation. Dh is an amazing husband generally and an all round good person - I do feel he has been misrepresented and is definitely not deserving of some of the suggestions. I totally understand that you don't all know the ins and outs of my life and therefor will form your own views, and equally this is the risk of posting on a public forum - people will add in their own context!! I also understand that there are some relationships where this would be a red flag if there were other concerning interactions - mine really isn't one of them.
Thank you to people that have taken the time to reply to my original post. In all honesty it has given me some perspective that I wasn't expecting and I now realise that I've been so focused on my own needs for the whole of the pregnancy that he has been a little bit forgotten.
Who knew all this pregnancy lark would be so hard physically AND mentally?? Looking forward to when it all settles down (in about 18 years 😂).
I'm going to leave this thread now but thanks for all your thoughts x

TheSerenDipitY. Thank you - you gave me the best laugh I have had in ages - I agree wholeheartedly too!!

From your OP it sounded like he basically asked for a wank and when you refused, he made a silly joke about it. If that's what happened, then I don't think either of you were unreasonable. Fine for him to ask and make a silly joke (assuming he wasn't being passive aggressive), fine for you to say no.

I don't think anyone here can know for sure if he was BU for asking. There are times when you just know that someone is upset / angry / fed up about something, and now is not the time to try your luck. And if you didn't know then you ought to have.

How can any of us know whether someone has made it clear that they are currently in a "don't go there" zone? Or whether it is reasonable to expect someone else to have picked up on this, or to have worked it out for themselves?

A couple of nights ago i was feeling horney but didnt want full sex, I asked my dh if he could do the honors manually does that make me a sex pest?

According to many of the posters on here, yes it does.

How dare you ask your partner for that/you should have done it yourself/ why do you think he's just there for your pleasure/ maybe he should have punched you in the face,stomach,groin or hit you with a brick.

This place is totally nuts!

Don’t understand the issue. He asked you and you said no. How else do you instigate sex? . Some of these responses are mind boggling.

According to many of the posters on here, yes it does

I don’t think he’s a sex pest. I think him saying “oh come on it’s just a fist” is desperately unattractive and insulting.