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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel pissed off at dh asking for 'relief' at 38 weeks pregnant

160 replies

newuname · 07/07/2019 09:19

Name changed but regular poster...
Just looking for perspective really and a bit of a rant!
Currently 38+4 and feeling pretty fed up and uncomfortable. Usual stuff - not sleeping, hips hurt, not very mobile, look like a whale. Never felt less sexual.
Lying in bed this morning dh asks me for 'relief'. So... I've had zero sex drive throughout this pregnancy so I do get that he might be a bit 'frustrated', but really??? When I told him that it wasn't really up for it his response was (TMI alert) 'all you've got to do is form a fist'. This was all quite light hearted and I've suggested that he's more than capable of doing that himself....
But... AIBU to just be a little bit pissed off that he's even pushing it right now? I think it probably points to a wider issue that I don't feel he really 'gets' how I'm feeling at the moment, but prepared to be told that I'm maybe being a little U

OP posts:
Tricia180961 · 07/07/2019 10:24

You should have said I’ll give a quick tug if you do all the chores around the house for the day
Worth 2minutes of your time 😂😂

vdbfamily · 07/07/2019 10:24

In a good relationship we think about our partners needs as well as our own. If he is generally considerate and supportive and has been looking after your needs during your relationship and pregnancy, then personally I would have thought that this was not too much to ask but ideally you should have been offering occasionally. I get that you might not have felt like full on sex but to show him that you are still thinking about him and what makes him happy would not be a bad thing. It is not like the situation will improve once baby arrives as you will be even more exhausted . I think that if couples want to maintain a healthy relationship they need to discuss how to make this important aspect of their relationship work through pregnancy and Parenthood. It is not good enough to ignore your partner and summer they will be ok with that.

vdbfamily · 07/07/2019 10:25

Summer?? Assume

ukgift2016 · 07/07/2019 10:29

I don't see the problem here. He asked, you said no and he left it alone.

madcatladyforever · 07/07/2019 10:33

I would haven given him short shrift but then my relationships never last possibly because I cannot stand mens endless crap.

Moondancer73 · 07/07/2019 10:34

Tell him that's what his hand is for!

Itisnamechangetimeagain · 07/07/2019 10:34

In a week or two you might be willing to have sex, to try and bring on labour.
My husband refused Sad

Ghanagirl · 07/07/2019 10:42

@Anerak
So @newuname is a pregnant handmaiden...

Deadringer · 07/07/2019 10:47

in a good relationship we think about our partners needs as well as our own very true, but he is certainly not thinking about her needs here. I think he has been very patient generally about the lack of sex throughout pregnancy, but I think he is in the wrong here. My dh and I always had a good sex life even throughout my pregnancies, but it was something we enjoyed together, if one or the other of us wasn't in the mood, it just didn't happen. (Married 30 years 5 DC) He never, ever, asked me to 'help him out' I think it's a bit icky tbh.

Original poster
newuname · 07/07/2019 10:51

@vdbfamily I do think you have a point tbh.
Although this thread was started in a lighthearted(ish) way, I do think it raises the point that we both need completely different things in the relationship to feel wanted / valued.
For me, sex is low on my list of priorities and so I may be guilty of assuming it's the same for him when it's clearly not...

OP posts:
butteryellow · 07/07/2019 10:52

I get that you might not have felt like full on sex but to show him that you are still thinking about him and what makes him happy

Sure, I'd hobble down and get us both a cup of tea and a biscuit - everyone happy. I don't think being someone's masterbatory aid really is quite the same thing!

At 38 weeks, both times, I was massively uncomfortable all the time. The kids were pressing on my lungs (well, all my internal organs) so I got short of breath at the drop of a hat, I had to wee before I'd even finished a glass of water, and was just fucking annoyed at everything. Sod wanking of my partner. He can bloody do that himself.

ThighsRelief · 07/07/2019 10:53

My X asked for a BJ in the car on the way home from giving birth. He was joking, I laughed.

Laugh it off.

Original poster
newuname · 07/07/2019 10:53

That's not to say that he'll necessarily be getting his leg over any time soon! 😂
More that I probably need to stop assuming that he understands why he's not getting his leg over and to communicate a bit better

OP posts:
jennymanara · 07/07/2019 10:57

I would worry if he was using language like that that he has used prostitutes

Iggly · 07/07/2019 10:58

He just sees you as a glorified wank toy if he thinks you “just need to form a fist”.

He’s not even interested in what’s in it for you, whether it gives you pleasure or not.

And because of that, he should fuck off and wank himself.

FermatsTheorem · 07/07/2019 11:01

Sex is something you do with someone, because you both want to and both want to get enjoyment out of it, not something you do for someone or (heaven forbid) to someone.

You have to wonder about a man who would get anything out of a "pity hand job" he's badgered an uninterested partner into.

Cocoloco2019 · 07/07/2019 11:05

Come on ! I don’t see anything wrong ! You are all so prudish ! If you don’t feel like it don’t do it. You are heavily pregnant not terminally ill !

This. My god the amount of prudes on MN is untrue! No wonder divorce rates are so high you all seem to hate your husbands (not referring to you OP)

OP said herself it was light hearted so why the dramatics?

I’m heavily pregnant myself, partners have needs to and whilst it may not be the time right now, maybe pencil him in for later?

Deadringer · 07/07/2019 11:08

Wft is prudish about only having sex that you are actually going to enjoy. Sex isn't a service to keep men happy, it's supposed to be a mutually enjoyable experience.

BirthdayDreamer · 07/07/2019 11:14

If he's generally great and hasn't pushed it during the pg and didn't try to make you feel bad about it and dropped it quickly then I wouldn't be overly bothered by it personally.

NoSauce · 07/07/2019 11:18

This is such a non issue. He asked for a hand job and was told to sling his hook. End of story. Mind boggling the things people start threads about on here.

Original poster
newuname · 07/07/2019 11:21

@NoSauce never underestimate the ability of a heavily pregnant woman to make an issue out of a 'non-issue' 😂

OP posts:
NoSauce · 07/07/2019 11:24

Grin too true OP.

FriarTuck · 07/07/2019 11:57

You should have just said 'Relief? Yes, no problem. We have enough money to pay the mortgage, food in the cupboards, a roof over our heads, good health, a baby on the way, and nice neighbours. Are you feeling relieved now? Good. Pop down and put the kettle on'

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 07/07/2019 12:01

Fuck me . I am amazed some of your DHs have stuck around .

Make a fist and punch him in his cock or his stomach ? Nicccee

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 07/07/2019 12:02

Poor sod has done sod all wrong .

OP you have truly only had sex twice since getting pregnant ? I have no cock but ffs , he asked nicely.

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