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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel pissed off at dh asking for 'relief' at 38 weeks pregnant

160 replies

newuname · 07/07/2019 09:19

Name changed but regular poster...
Just looking for perspective really and a bit of a rant!
Currently 38+4 and feeling pretty fed up and uncomfortable. Usual stuff - not sleeping, hips hurt, not very mobile, look like a whale. Never felt less sexual.
Lying in bed this morning dh asks me for 'relief'. So... I've had zero sex drive throughout this pregnancy so I do get that he might be a bit 'frustrated', but really??? When I told him that it wasn't really up for it his response was (TMI alert) 'all you've got to do is form a fist'. This was all quite light hearted and I've suggested that he's more than capable of doing that himself....
But... AIBU to just be a little bit pissed off that he's even pushing it right now? I think it probably points to a wider issue that I don't feel he really 'gets' how I'm feeling at the moment, but prepared to be told that I'm maybe being a little U

OP posts:
BraveGoldie · 07/07/2019 12:03

Again I am shocked by the man-hating on Mumsnet! As some have pointed out the poor man just tried to initiate some sexual contact with his wife! He did it light heartedly and without persisting. And along with all the insults, two posters have actually suggested Op should hit him in the stomach as a response! Seriously? Can you imagine if we reversed the genders?

After months of no sex, a supportive wife light heartedly suggests a simple bit of sexual contact..... what would mumsnet say? That she is a wanker, revolting, should F off, and - even better - the husband should punch her in the stomach to teach her a lesson????

Toxic madness. Sad

Op your man sounds like a decent bloke based on what you have said. Of course you shouldn't do anything you don't want to, but that doesn't mean his desire for sex is bad or shouldn't be cared about - just as your desire not to have it is not bad and should also be cared about.... and no, mumsnetters, attempting to initiate after months of inactivity is not uncaring - it is trying to connect and check where your partner is.... I suspect he asked for a hj not because it was his preference but because he thought it was the smallest possible effort for his partner, whose needs he IS thinking of.....unless we are saying that only women are allowed to initiate ever?

strawberrypenguin · 07/07/2019 12:06

I don't think he was unreasonable to ask actually. His fist comment was maybe a bit off depending on how he said it.
You also weren't unreasonable to not want to.
However you also say he's not been pushing for sexual contact while you haven't wanted it so maybe you need to consider how he feels as well, not saying you should do something you don't want to but consideration goes both ways.

JacquesHammer · 07/07/2019 12:07

If he is generally considerate and supportive and has been looking after your needs during your relationship and pregnancy, then personally I would have thought that this was not too much to ask but ideally you should have been offering occasionally

Sex isn’t currency Confused

He wasn’t unreasonable to ask, you weren’t being unreasonable to refuse. He was being unreasonable to push it.

OP you have truly only had sex twice since getting pregnant ? I have no cock but ffs , he asked nicely

Oh well if he asked nicely 🙄

Sex should be a mutually enjoyable experience whether that’s PIV, a handjob or whatever. If one party doesn’t want to, then that is absolute.

E1201607 · 07/07/2019 12:11

I do wonder how some people on mn are still married. I absolutely understand you being pissed off with the world as heavily pregnant. He chanced his arm after months of nothing, was knocked back and let it go. Can't see the problem. I imagine the next AIBU will be DH cracking one off because I haven't been near him for months...which will no doubt be followed by replies of leave the bastard, how dare he!

You feel whale like and knackered but he still thinks you are gorgeous-doubly so because of the amazing thing your body is doing for him.

Chances are sex will continue to be low priority for you for some time. Meanwhile he still wants a little reassurance that he hasn't served his purpose now he's impregnated you.

Try not to hold it against him x

MenuPlant · 07/07/2019 12:21

Women saying no to sex they don't want is prudish?

Well i think we all knew that's what it meant but it's interesting to have it confirmed!

OP your DH is capable of providing his own relief presumably so there's an answer.

Original poster
newuname · 07/07/2019 12:23

Thanks for the replies - who knew it would result in so much debate!
To be fair to dh this has really made me think about the fact that I do need to consider him a bit more. Yes, the wording in my initial post and how he asked might have been a little crude, but tbh that is how we talk to each other and doesn't concern me massively.
Not saying for one second that I should do anything that I don't want to, neither should anyone in any relationship. We have had 'sexual contact' (iykwim) more than twice since pregnant, but this is a significant change from pre pregnancy and tbh I have just been guilty of expecting him to just accept it and crack on. At the least he deserves some reassurance that I do find him attractive / love him.
I was pissed off and grumpy this morning (as I am most mornings) but this has helped me to get a little perspective!

OP posts:
Youcanstay · 07/07/2019 12:24

I really wish people would stop calling women prudes.
Women are aloud to have boundaries.

Pinktinker · 07/07/2019 12:26

Ok to have asked imo. It must be hard being continuously rejected for sex, I do have some sympathies. You were obviously also ok to have said no given the circumstances. Pregnancy is a difficult and exhausting time. It doesn’t sound though he was a nob about it so it’s a bit of a non issue really.

DonPablo · 07/07/2019 12:30

I think some men are just divs when it comes to this. I remember going to an antenatal class at the hospital and on eman just went on and on about sex. He asked the instructor how soon he could expect normal service to resume after birth.

I wondered if all the other men there were embarrassed for him or desperate to know the answer.

StoppinBy · 07/07/2019 12:39

I struggled through two crap pregnancies and understand how you feel but I think you are being unfair on two counts.

First off, he is your DH, why is it wrong for him to ask for some sexual intimacy? It doesn't sound like he was trying to force you in to anything?

Second, YABU to post about it here for him to be scrutinised for what is a pretty basic request between DH and DW by complete strangers.

user1471517900 · 07/07/2019 12:42

The prudish comment was aimed at the fact some posters seemed angry or aghast that he had dared to ask. Not that she didn't have sex. There's a key difference.

People are allowed to try and initiate sex. People are allowed to have or not have sex. This isn't prudish. What is prudish is seemingly being really upset that someone has asked about it in a reasonable enough situation. (I am not aiming this at the OP who has posted some very fair minded comments post OP).

sweeneytoddsrazor · 07/07/2019 12:42

He asked you said no end of. There is no need for any of the vile replies and to suggest he might have used prostitutes because he asked for relief is down right ludicrous and insulting.

ThePurpleHeffalump · 07/07/2019 12:49

Sex twice in 9 months? Not unreasonable to ask, not unreasonable to say no, but are you heading towards a celibate marriage?

huuskymam · 07/07/2019 12:51

I'd tell him that's a DIY job that needs doing.

MenuPlant · 07/07/2019 12:55

'People are allowed to try and initiate sex. People are allowed to have or not have sex. This isn't prudish. What is prudish is seemingly being really upset that someone has asked about it in a reasonable enough situation. (I am not aiming this at the OP who has posted some very fair minded comments post OP).'

???????

OP thread title is literally aibu to be pissed off dh asked etc

Therefore she is a prude!

Lol at no no didn't mean it like that.

user1471517900 · 07/07/2019 12:56

..... "Post OP"

user1471517900 · 07/07/2019 12:57

As in "after the OP" (reading back this may have not been entirely clear)

ememem84 · 07/07/2019 13:00

I have a feeling I might have to actually beg dh to have sex with me soon. I’m 37 weeks pregnant and I’m uncomfortable as hell. Maybe having sex will make baby arrive faster...? I just want to not be pregnant any more!!!!!!

ComeAndDance · 07/07/2019 13:02

I d8nt think there is any issue with asking. And there is certainly no issue with saying NO.
I wouod have had a massive issue with ‘you just have to make a fist’ comment, even in a jockey way.

I also think he might wonder what is going on, if you still fancy him etc... but he certainly didn’t go at it the right way. Maybe it’s time for him to learn to bring issues in a non confrontational way, aka as an adult.
I also think that, if you very much feel he has no idea how crap you feel, that your ur reaction has more to do with that than his moment as such. And this needs to be addressed to (in a non confrontational way Wink)

Lizzielocket · 07/07/2019 13:03

I would have made the most of the situation op, I would have traded a wank for a foot or back massage. DP and I often strike deals for sexual favours. It’s lighthearted and a bit of fun.
I don’t think either of you were being unfair.
I can’t understand some posters saying they would punch their partners, how awful.

MenuPlant · 07/07/2019 13:03

Sex
Eat pineapple
Clean the floor
Eat a curry

Are all things people say to bring it along but not sure any work! I went 42 +2 with dd1 tried all except the floor cleaning :D

ItsGoingTibiaK · 07/07/2019 13:03

He asked; you declined. Why does anyone have to come out of this being unreasonable? 🤷‍♀️

Fridaycantsleepdoh1 · 07/07/2019 13:11

@jennymanara where on earth do you get prostitues from from what the OP has said?!!!!!

arethereanyleftatall · 07/07/2019 13:29

The difference for everyone here is basically whether the third line of their convo is acceptable...
'Can I have some relief'
'No, because x'
'But can't you just x'
For many people, the boundary line is after the second sentence.

mrsmuddlepies · 07/07/2019 13:30

I feel really sorry for the OP but can't get over how unpleasant some women are about men. There was a thread yesterday with a wife who had a husband who answered back after being told off for asking where to put a jar of jam. There were endless cries of LTB along with suggestions about throwing it at him and a post from a woman who constantly threw things at her husband to teach him to get into line.
Some MNetters think throwing things is fine if you are a woman but God forbid a man answers back or makes a sexual suggestion to his wife.
Your husband sounds nice OP. Enjoy your time together before the baby arrives.

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