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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To break up over a bag of coke ?

174 replies

Farkirkmash · 07/07/2019 09:08

So DP has admitted he’s occasionally done cocaine on a night out
None since birth of our daughter
Went out last night, I asked him if he’d done any when he got in ( because of the crowd) he said no.
Went downstairs this morning he had got undressed in the bathroom and an empty bag of coke was next to his pants

Do I kick him out ?
I feel like I need to but do I break my family up over this ?
We have one baby together 6M and I have another child age 4.
I hate drugs and im so upset he’s lied

OP posts:

Cheby · 07/07/2019 13:50

I tried to explain the risk to the kids and it just felt abit like he thought I was being dramatic.

This is a massive problem for me. I’m not fussed about occasional coke use (in other people, it’s not something I do myself), and I can also see why he initially lied (because you had banned it).

I would not be ok about him minimising this part though. Not at all.

Cheby · 07/07/2019 13:53

He wouldn't even be getting unsupervised access to the baby if he can't see the danger he could have caused. It won't be long before they are at crawling stage.

He would though. No court is going to deny him access to his kids (or even residency, 50:50 care etc) on the basis that the OP says she once found an empty bag of coke. No proof, no convictions etc. And the OP would quite likely get in a whole heap of shit if she tried to restrict his access.

everyoneisasleepbutme · 07/07/2019 14:19

50:50 care isn't that easy to get. My ex also had to undergo drug testing.

SirVixofVixHall · 07/07/2019 14:24

I think the law is quite clear on telling adults what they can and cannot do.
They can’t do coke, for a start.

Onepuddingisneverenough · 07/07/2019 14:30

So you have a 4 yo and there was a bag of coke or bag that had contained coke on the floor ? If your child had got hold of that they would be dead
I have no issue with recreational drug use But I do when your child is at risk

mussolini9 · 07/07/2019 14:34

If your child had got hold of that they would be dead

No they wouldn't!

Horrible as it is for the OP, & unacceptable as it is to bring drug paraphernalia into the childrens' home, in THIS instance, the bag contained only a residue of the used coke.
Worst case scenario - in THIS instance - is that the child would have got numb lips.

The situation is dramatic enough without inventing implausible disaster.

FilthyforFirth · 07/07/2019 14:41

Oh that's a hell no from me. I would kick him out immediately.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 07/07/2019 14:45

Worst case scenario - in THIS instance - is that the child would have got numb lips.

Also bullshit. They'd have had cocaine in their system, even a tiny amount would affect a tiny child. Their body would have to process it and they'd feel the effects.

Minimising a child accessing even a residue of class A drugs is fucking disgusting. I sincerely hope you're not a parent with an attitude like that.

lunar1 · 07/07/2019 15:00

The difference in alcohol and illegal drugs is massive.

In the majority of households there are a large amount of things that could be harmful/deadly to children. That's why people keep them out of reach, with lids children find difficult to open or in cupboards with locked doors.

Sometimes the worst happens and children consume things they shouldn't.

If a child drank vodka, ate a washing tablet, swallowed and ibuprofen etc you can race the child to A&E with the packet/packets of what they may have consumed and the doctors know what they are dealing with and have a chance to fix things.

Illegal drugs have no safety standards to meet, their production isn't regulated and there is no handy ingredients list on the packet.

People guessing what would have happened to a four year old from licking an empty bag of coke actually have no idea, because you have no idea what was actually in the bag. There are several substances that could seriously harm a child if ingested in tiny quantities.

Steerpike902 · 07/07/2019 15:39

I'm more or less okay with drug use, but bringing the bag of coke into your house with kids is not okay, in any way. He's definitely lying to you about it. I'd get a free consultation with a lawyer even if you don't decide to divorce they'll advice you on the best way to go about documenting the drug use. You could very well have to report it to the police to cover your own back.

Prettylittlebumblebee · 07/07/2019 16:03

He would be out of my house and I'd hope it would make him see sense. The fact it was lying out next to his pants is so irresponsible when you have a child. Imagine if this was when baby was crawling and baby got drugs? He needs a wake up call

bringincrazyback · 07/07/2019 16:29

Imagine if your 4 year old had wandered into the bathroom, found the bag, opened it, ingested some of the coke? Now try to explain that away to social services as they take your children off you.

^^ This.

Fibbke · 07/07/2019 16:37

Everyone who takes coke is a twat, so as I wouldnt like to live with a twat it would be bags packed.

MegaMonsterMunch · 07/07/2019 16:41

Protect your children and get rid of him.

lalafafa · 07/07/2019 16:47

if he was a proper coke head he wouldn't have any left.

Whisky2014 · 07/07/2019 17:36

@lalafafa well the bag was empty so he did finish it..

RonnieScotts · 07/07/2019 17:51

It would be a deal breaker for me. The drug taking.

Lying about it indicates it's more if a problem than you realise.

Get your kids out.

HorridHenrysNits · 07/07/2019 17:52

Actually that's a good point lunar. We dont know what else it might've been cut with. Some people are showing a touching level of faith in the honesty and safety standards of coke dealers.

TitianaTitsling · 07/07/2019 18:03

can’t you see why he lied? You told him you wouldn’t “allow” it. He wants to do it, and tbh, he’s a grown man so has the right to make that decision, then he sort of has to lie to you doesn’t he?. Poor bloke.... What a hard life he's having

Teaandchocolatecake · 07/07/2019 19:07

There's nothing to say the bag was empty when it came into the house. It might have been but equally he could have bought drugs into a home where there are young children.

I used to work in a place where the use of cocaine was rife, no Friday night out was complete without it. I was never tempted to try it as without exception, it turned people into grade A pillocks. They all thought they were so cool.

Some people are obviously okay with it, but it's not something I could tolerate in someone I was in a relationship with. They would have to find someone more accepting than me.

LaundryIsADisease · 08/07/2019 09:39

How are you today OP?

Katamakana · 24/05/2021 22:16

Totally shit behaviour and shit excuse for a parent!

Returnoftheowl · 24/05/2021 23:30

@Katamakana

Totally shit behaviour and shit excuse for a parent!

As it happened in 2019 I think the OP will have sorted this out one way or the other by now.

Ericaequites · 24/05/2021 23:47

Have you tried Nar-Anon? They can give you peer support at low or no cost.

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