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AIBU?

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Original poster

To break up over a bag of coke ?

174 replies

Farkirkmash · 07/07/2019 09:08

So DP has admitted he’s occasionally done cocaine on a night out
None since birth of our daughter
Went out last night, I asked him if he’d done any when he got in ( because of the crowd) he said no.
Went downstairs this morning he had got undressed in the bathroom and an empty bag of coke was next to his pants

Do I kick him out ?
I feel like I need to but do I break my family up over this ?
We have one baby together 6M and I have another child age 4.
I hate drugs and im so upset he’s lied Sad

OP posts:
GimmieTheCoffeeAndNooneDies · 07/07/2019 11:50

EKGEMS if social services took every child who's parents had drugs in the house into care, well take it from me they wouldn't. Even dealing and dodgy visitors wouldn't necessarily mean the kids would go into care.

Cannotresist · 07/07/2019 11:58

Your problem is going to be he thinks it’s alright. Some people do some people don’t. That’s not going to change. Can you live with that or are you going to spend the rest of your relationship resenting deep down or worse arguing about it ...

GinUnicorn · 07/07/2019 12:04

@InTheHeatofLisbon you realise you quoted one line of my post there when my second line said how unacceptable it is to bring drugs into a house with children.

What was the point in that? My quote agreed with you?

InTheHeatofLisbon · 07/07/2019 12:10

My quote agreed with you?

No, I don't agree with class A drugs at all. In a house or on a night out. Believe me when I tell you we don't agree.

GinUnicorn · 07/07/2019 12:14

That aside my quote said it was totally unacceptable to have drugs in a house with children which you then quoted.

That part agreed with you.

ProteinshakesandAntonsAss · 07/07/2019 12:14

If he wants to take coke, knowing it's the ops red line, then he needs to choose. Family or coke.

He lied because he wants both. He doesnt give a shit, about the ops boundaries.

He knew she would kick off because he was on coke, knowing she didnt want a partner who is a coke head.

This is not her fault and she is entitled to kick off the he came home under the influence, risked his own life, bought a product that causes misery to people, then brought the empty baggy in the house, where the kids are AND then lied about it. Because doing coke is more important than his family.

If you do something you know your partner wont be happy with, lying isnt ok.

PlinkPlink · 07/07/2019 12:18

You're going to get a whole range of mixed views here because for some people a bit of coke on a night out isn't a big deal. For others, it will be a complete deal breaker.

I can see three big issues here:

  1. You are quite incompatible in that you completely hate drugs and he enjoys them on a night out. Complete opposites. You need to establish some ground rules here and if he can't stick to them then this isn't going to work.

Something like, if you want to use drugs on your night out that's your prerogative. But I don't like it at all. I think it's dangerous and puts you in unnecessary danger. The moral implications of it etc.

  1. Bringing back an empty bag is not acceptable with a child in the house. This is the deal breaker for me personally. The amount of 'what ifs' in that situation, and the consequences of those 'what ifs', is alarming. Yes it's an empty bag but the residue is still there.

Make him aware of the potential consequences. Really hammer it home. He is potentially putting your child at risk. Never bring that stuff back to the house. Ever. Even empty bags that once had coke in it.

  1. Lying. Some might say this is the worst part. Breaking your trust. How far does it go? How many other things does he lie about? This is also unacceptable in a relationship.

You've got a tough decision OP. Ultimately, if you want to stay together, ground rules need to be established.

You need to ask yourself if you can be happy with someone who is so opposite to your stance on drugs. In my experience, he won't stop. He'll just lie each time he does it for an easy life. But your DP might be able to be honest alot easier than my ex.

This is quite a fuck up and some space is a good idea. Hope you manage to work things out.

NigesFakeWalkingStick · 07/07/2019 12:18

The usage of drugs if he's for all intents and purposes a good person/father wouldn't be ideal for me but would be able to see past it.

The fact he lied and brought class A drugs into your home with a 4 year old who could easily pick it up and try some would be the deal breaker for me, unequivocally.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 07/07/2019 12:19

That part agreed with you.

The part I quoted didn't. Move on.

GinUnicorn · 07/07/2019 12:28

Oh for God sake you could say that about anything.

You seem to enjoy pointless arguments do know yourself out. Luckily my life is more interesting and less socially awkward than that.

jaseyraex · 07/07/2019 12:28

Using drugs on a night out wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. I wouldn't be thrilled, but I wouldn't end my relationship. Bringing the drugs into our home, leaving them where our children could potentially find them? Absolutely a deal breaker, he'd be out on his arse immediately.

There is the possibility that he might not ever do it again. Or he might do it on nights out and never bring it in to the house again. Or he might bring it in and keep it well hidden. Or he might leave it lying around in plain sight where your children can get it. Do you believe him when he says he won't do it again? If you don't believe him, I think that gives you your answer.

Shelby2010 · 07/07/2019 12:31

Kick him out.

It is worse because he lied about it.

He took drugs & then was in the house around your children whilst under the influence but lied about it. And was obviously too out of it to cover his tracks or think about the consequences of having it in the house around your DC. What would have happened if your 4 yr old had gone into the bathroom and found the bag? How would you know if the bag really had been empty or if he’d taken some.

And you can never trust your DP not to lie about this again. He’s shown you that cocaine is more important than his family - believe him.

isthatapugunicorn · 07/07/2019 12:33

Sit him down, explain why your upset, tell him it’s one of those issues that couples break up over. Does he want his kids to know he broke up his family over drugs? That he chose coke over them?

omione · 07/07/2019 12:44

You are lucky the 4 year old didn't find the bag. How long is he going to continue to bring drugs into your home ? Will you wait until the 4 year old has found them, taken them and died before you do anything about it ?

foreverhanging · 07/07/2019 12:49

I'd be fucking done, op. It's my absolute deal breaker.

happytobemrsg · 07/07/2019 12:51

I’m massively anti-drugs so would be a deal breaker for me. It wouldn’t be for a couple of my friends though

Grumpyandtired91 · 07/07/2019 13:05

It’s bad he’s lied to cover it up when you’ve asked him specifically.

Have you confronted him?

NoCauseRebel · 07/07/2019 13:09

Drugs would be an absolute dealbreaker for me - not just on a night out, but a date admitting that he’d done drugs in the past wouldn’t get a second date.

I don’t care if that makes me judgemental - cocaine is illegal - the end.

Whatever other people choose to accept in their lives is up to them, but I don’t do drugs, I detest them, and I don’t hang about with druggies.

skybluee · 07/07/2019 13:21

the part about alcohol not destabilising whole regions or having as bad an effect - whatg about the effect it has in the UK? places where 1 in 5 A&E admissions are a direct result of alcohol? the statistics are utterly horrifying. the amount of ITU places that are due to alcohol. the cost, financially, emotionally. it's the most destructive drug out there in the UK. so i do find it hard to read it being minimised.

i don't really understand why he would've brought an empty bag back home. surely once it was finished he would've disposed of the bag? don't really get it. i would be furious - because of the children aspect.

HorridHenrysNits · 07/07/2019 13:31

Appalling as the impact of alcohol is in the UK, and as the child of an alcoholic I know this more than most, it is not having anything like the same destabilising effect as it is in areas of Central and South America. It's a ridiculous comparison.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 07/07/2019 13:34

Agreed Horrid.

Alcohol doesn't literally devastate entire areas making whole communities homeless and razing everything to the ground, rendering farmland unusable for generations due to contamination. Thus removing not only their food, homes and infrastructure but their ability to rebuild their lives.

Cocaine production does.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 07/07/2019 13:36

That's not to say alcohol isn't a huge social problem, it absolutely is. But it's not comparable with the scale of devastation caused by cocaine production.

They're completely different issues.

People only equate drug and alcohol use because in our ridiculously pampered lives the two are both associated with nights out.

Lolwhat · 07/07/2019 13:37

Why would you stay with someone who leaves coke about for your children to possibly find? I would be leaving him immediately

SirVixofVixHall · 07/07/2019 13:43

Yinyen i didn’t say alcohol wasn’t bad! Obviously alcoholics ruin their own lives and those of their family. As can binge drinkers.
However, there are billions of safe, moderate alcohol users worldwide. Not true of coke.
I don’t drink, and I would also be chucking out a husband who drank to excess, but it is perfectly possible to be a pleasant and safe person and still drink alcohol. Most of Europe seem to manage it. I do not believe it is possible to be a pleasant and safe class A drug user. It is illegal for a start.

TwentyEight12 · 07/07/2019 13:49

You may not like it but it doesn’t mean you get to tell another grown-up what they can or cannot do as I’m sure you don’t like it either when someone tells you what you can or cannot do.

I’m assuming and hoping that he did it out of the house and if you’d not have found the empty packet you’d be none-the-wiser.

If it’s not a habit and it isn’t causing financial issues, it’s really up to him.

No, I wouldn’t be breaking up with my partner if this is what had happened to me. I would be saying though that under no circumstance that any drugs should be brought into the house due to the presence of children.

I would be wanting and asking for transparency between us as to his usage and how much it’s costing, because it is expensive and if it’s a frequent expenditure, it can have an impact on the financial household.

I wouldn’t want him to feel he needed to hide it from me though. I wouldn’t want him to feel he needed to lie to me about it for fear of my wrath.