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AIBU?

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Original poster

To break up over a bag of coke ?

174 replies

Farkirkmash · 07/07/2019 09:08

So DP has admitted he’s occasionally done cocaine on a night out
None since birth of our daughter
Went out last night, I asked him if he’d done any when he got in ( because of the crowd) he said no.
Went downstairs this morning he had got undressed in the bathroom and an empty bag of coke was next to his pants

Do I kick him out ?
I feel like I need to but do I break my family up over this ?
We have one baby together 6M and I have another child age 4.
I hate drugs and im so upset he’s lied Sad

OP posts:
GinUnicorn · 07/07/2019 09:31

Honestly I don’t see drugs as much worse than alcohol on a night out.

However, I’d be absolutely livid about them coming into the house with your children and especially dropped on the floor. Putting your children in danger would be a deal breaker for me. So sorry OP

MarthasGinYard · 07/07/2019 09:32

'I know everyone is right I just feel so let down and awful '

It's your dc you will be letting down if you stay with this druggy liar.

Much more important than you feeling 'let down'

PaquitaVariation · 07/07/2019 09:34

It’s not even a question, surely? If it was just him then fair enough. But he’s brought it home, where there are small children who could be injured as a result.

CaptainMyCaptain · 07/07/2019 09:35

Honestly I don’t see drugs as much worse than alcohol on a night out.
Alcohol doesn't involve South American farmers being forced off their land, children becoming gangsters and getting killed, human trafficking or knife crime on the streets of our towns and cities.

CORSACORSA · 07/07/2019 09:35

Drugs = out. Absolutely zero tolerance.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 07/07/2019 09:36

imagine if your 4 year old had wandered into the bathroom, found the bag, opened it, ingested some of the coke?

This. Would he have admitted what it was if they had? Would he have continued to lie to save his own skin?

Class A drugs, in a house with children. He's disgusting and he's let you and your children down. I'm so sorry OP, you must be in bits.

It is and always would be a deal-breaker for me. Anyone who brought stuff like that into my home wouldn't be there again, whether a friend or my kids dad.

Don't engage though, he'll try and minimise and talk you round.

Just keep reminding yourself that your child could have got hold of cocaine, because of his selfishness.

EleanorOalike · 07/07/2019 09:36

A two year old in my hometown died very recently because she’d found a parent’s bag of coke. The other children were taken off the parents, rightly.

Tough love here, but I’d say if you continue to knowingly let drugs be brought into the house then you deserve have your little ones taken away from you because you’d be showing no regard for their safety and ultimately their lives by letting their dad stay.

Come on, surely you know the answer to this one? He has to go!

I know going forward it’s going to be hard going it along but trust me, it’s harder being the child of a drug user; it’s harder watching your kids become addicts as adults knowing it’s partly because you turned a blind eye to Dads drug use; and it’s harder losing your kids or finding one dead because they’ve taken Dad’s coke.

You might not get a second chance to protect your kids. Get him out.

TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan · 07/07/2019 09:36

I'm fairly relaxed about drugs, but this would be a deal breaker for me. He lied and brought it into the house. If what he'd said was true, occasionally before children, I wouldn't care, but in your shoes I wouldn't trust him.

BarryBarryTaylor · 07/07/2019 09:36

I’m sorry but yes I would have to tell him to go. Bringing drugs into the house, and lying about it is disgraceful parenting.
The fact you found a bag of coke suggests he uses a fair amount and probably more frequently than you know. I say that because if he was just an opportunistic snorter 🤢 he wouldn’t have to buy his own bag would he? He would just pinch a line off his pals.
The thought of coke revolts me. It isn’t cheap either. He needs to go before it detrimentally affects you and your children

Lovemusic33 · 07/07/2019 09:37

I would kick him out for the simple fact he lied to you. He had a chance to own up to taking coke but he said he hadn’t when he obviously did. He also brought it into the house where there are kids. Kick him out.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 07/07/2019 09:37

Honestly I don’t see drugs as much worse than alcohol on a night out.

And a 4 year old having a seizure or cardiac arrest because their dad couldn't be arsed to think about anyone but himself?

Because it's literally sheer luck that OP found it before the bairn did, and the things I've said could have happened if she hadn't.

MammaMia19 · 07/07/2019 09:38

This was a final straw in my marriage. Amongst many other problems he was a very occasional cocaine user.
He always swore he never took coke and would get pretty angry if questioned.
I caught him once and he promised he’d never do it again. Clearly it was a lie as I later found out he carried on.
It was only when he went out for the night and he never brought any bags home but he was an awful person on it. He’d get high and sign up to dating websites, I also found out he’d take other drugs to come down the next day. He was rude/awful on the hangover too and it would last for days, at the time he said it was an alcohol hangover but clearly not.
The problem is it’s so socially acceptable now, people have honestly said it’s a silly reason to break up over. So many people do it too, it feels like me and my friends are the only people that don’t take it! It’s ridiculous how accessible and how socially acceptable it’s become. People don’t even hide the fact they take it anymore.
He said he couldn’t promise never to do it again and didn’t see any issue. We broke up before our child’s 1st birthday.
It’s been really hard but I would honestly end it if I was you, I don’t regret my decision. I mean there was a lot of problems in my marriage but that was my line (excuse the pun!)

Nomorepies · 07/07/2019 09:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

BlueJava · 07/07/2019 09:42

It would be hard but it would be a deal breaker for me - both on the coke and lying fronts.

CherryPavlova · 07/07/2019 09:43

I would never have set myself up and had a child with anyone taking illegal drugs in the first place, to be honest.

MashedSpud · 07/07/2019 09:43

It would be a dealbreaker for me.

AlwaysCheddar · 07/07/2019 09:43

Imagine if one of your kids had found it... and taken it....

Deal breaker in all levels for me.

Cheby · 07/07/2019 09:44

Would not be that arsed about him doing coke very occasionally. I don’t think it’s a huge deal.

I would be bothered about the lying, but perhaps this was based on your reaction to this in the past.

But I would be really fucking angry that he had left the bag lying around when you have a 4 year old in the house. Actually that he has brought it home at all. That would be cause for a very serious discussion, and my actions would depend on his response I guess. Obvious remorse, acceptance of the risk he had posed to the DC and taking full responsibility for it, promising never to do it again, then I think I could move forward. Any attempt to minimise or pass it off as not that serious would make me think he didn’t have the children’s safety as his first priority and that would be a deal breaker for me.

Whisky2014 · 07/07/2019 09:44

Deal breaker for me

HorridHenrysNits · 07/07/2019 09:46

This particular drug is infinitely worse than alcohol on a night out, or any time really, because it's inherently blood soaked and alcohol is not. It isn't like weed or mushrooms which it's possible to obtain more ethically. And yes I know about modern day slaves working on cannabis farms in the UK, but what I mean is that it's at least possible to get cannabis nobody has suffered to grow. But anyway, with coke, because of the conditions of production, it isn't like the usual weed is/isn't any worse than alcohol discussions MN loves.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 07/07/2019 09:47

I would never have set myself up and had a child with anyone taking illegal drugs in the first place, to be honest.

What was the need in that? Apart from making OP feel more shit than she already does? Nasty and completely unnecessary.

bakingcupcakes · 07/07/2019 09:47

I wouldn't see him taking it whilst out as a problem but the fact it was just left lying around the house afterwards when small children are present would be a deal breaker for me. I couldn't trust him not to do it again. He'd have to go.

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 07/07/2019 09:47

Think about what it means if you don't end the relationship.

You would be accommodating & accepting drugs in your children's life, with all of the possible consequences and influences.

TheInvestigator · 07/07/2019 09:48

What if your 4 year old had found that bag? And sniffed it, or licked it or just got the powder on their hands and licked those.

Kick him out. Someone who does drugs and brings them into a home with children should not be in a home with children. I'm disgusted that you even need to ask.

sevenoftwelve · 07/07/2019 09:50

He is the one who's broken the family up, not you. Put the responsibility where it belongs.