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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To break up over a bag of coke ?

174 replies

Farkirkmash · 07/07/2019 09:08

So DP has admitted he’s occasionally done cocaine on a night out
None since birth of our daughter
Went out last night, I asked him if he’d done any when he got in ( because of the crowd) he said no.
Went downstairs this morning he had got undressed in the bathroom and an empty bag of coke was next to his pants

Do I kick him out ?
I feel like I need to but do I break my family up over this ?
We have one baby together 6M and I have another child age 4.
I hate drugs and im so upset he’s lied Sad

OP posts:
VictoriaBun · 07/07/2019 09:51

Also he will tell you / try to convince you that he was only keeping it for a friend, or he has no idea how it got there.

AtSea1979 · 07/07/2019 09:51

Why are you asking the question? This is your DC we are talking about? Where’s that warrior mum inside you?
If someone did this to me I would turn in to the hulk, I would have been opening that bathroom window and throwing everything of his out of it, if I was worried about his reaction when he woke up i’d call the police and explain. Have you got anyone who can help you? Sounds like you can’t prioritise your DC and need someone to instill some outrage in you.

Cheby · 07/07/2019 09:54

You would be accommodating & accepting drugs in your children's life, with all of the possible consequences and influences.

This is going to happen anyway. He will get overnight access to the children, quite likely 50/50 if he requests it, it seems to be the norm these days. There is no way he would be denied access on the basis of the OP saying she once found a bag of coke at home. He can just deny it for a start, and say she is lying, there is no proof. So whether they stay together or not, if her DH decides he wants to keep taking coke, then those potential consequences will be there. The only difference will be whether the OP is accepting of them or not.

happytoday73 · 07/07/2019 09:55

For me this would need to be the end.
People talk about it being socially acceptable... I suppose it depends on your social circles but in mine it's not... Neither at work (drug policy and random testing) nor school parents (who don't smoke either).
The lying combined with potential for child to get hold of drugs would keep me awake at night.
I'm so sorry

Eemamc · 07/07/2019 09:56

A couple I knew, same age as me, in their thirties have two young children. The husband died of a heart attack caused by taking coke. He was otherwise fit and healthy. It’s just so terribly sad. I’m still really angry with him. It’s just not worth it is it?

BrokenWing · 07/07/2019 09:57

Would not be that arsed about him doing coke very occasionally. I don’t think it’s a huge deal.

Which bit isn't a huge deal @Cheby, illegal class A drug, health issues, the thousands of people who are killed in the cocaine supply chain?

ChesterDrawsDoesntExist · 07/07/2019 09:58

Drugs are a huge no no here. Dealbreaker for sure.

AriadneCrete · 07/07/2019 09:58

The fact he brought it into the home would be a deal breaker for me. And actually the fact that he had his own bag shows he’s not an ‘occasional line on a night out’ user too.

TeaChocKitKat · 07/07/2019 10:04

I completely agree with Chevy. OP, you are totally right to be incredibly annoyed but don't get swept along by the mumsnet chorus of LTB. Yes you need to have serious words and make it clear this isn't acceptable behaviour but don't throw away your entire relationship over this. This is your family and your life so don't be persuaded by the Mumsnet keyboard warriors to do anything too hasty x

supersop60 · 07/07/2019 10:11

teaChocKitKat - serious words with a threat of it being over.
eg this is unacceptable (DC in danger, illegal etc).
I want you to stop.
If it happens again x, y,z will happen

darkriver19886 · 07/07/2019 10:12

Seriously? Those saying "it's only one bag."
It's coke, not bastard cannabis.

Op, your partner has not only liked to you he's put your kids at risk. Social Services will take a very dim view if one of your children finds it and ended up hospitalised.

whatwouldbigfatfannydo · 07/07/2019 10:14

The OP is not throwing away anything! Her 'D' P took that choice from her by doing class A drugs, lying about it, bringing it into their home and putting the children in danger. If you side with him, you're enabling and permitting this to happen.

It's not easy, but have integrity OP. Don't make the wrong choice because it's easier. Your loyalty here is with your children.

If it were me, I'd also report to police so it was on record and would hopefully be factored in if he wanted contact. I have no time for people who put children at risk.

MrsMiggins37 · 07/07/2019 10:14

It would be game over for me.

And the recklessness of leaving a bag that could have remnants of coke in it when you’ve got a small inquisitive child is beyond belief. I couldn’t be with someone with such reckless regard for my child’s wellbeing.

kittytiggy · 07/07/2019 10:17

It would be a deal breaker for me too I'm afraid OP. Using an illegal class A drug is bad enough but doing it with two innocent children nearby under the age of 5 is a whole other thing. The fact that he actively lied about it makes it even worse.
Take matters into your own hands OP. Good luck.

Tiredtessy · 07/07/2019 10:17

He hasn’t bought it into the house really, it’s just an empty packet but still very naughty, and it Defo won’t be a one off, he probably does it everytime he goes out. How big was the bag? Was it totally empty? It’s very expensive, surprised he slept if he did a gram of coke....

Up to you what you do but he won’t stop, it’s addictive

MrsMiggins37 · 07/07/2019 10:19

Plus I have no time for anyone who takes coke and puts their own pathetic hit above all the destruction, death, pain and misery in the supply chain. Anyone who takes coke is not a decent person.

constantlyseekinghappiness · 07/07/2019 10:20

What did he say when you asked him about it?

This would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

But I suspect since OP is asking the question that she is not going to end things over this.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 07/07/2019 10:21

He hasn’t bought it into the house really, it’s just an empty packet

With enough residue to harm a child, don't be so naive.

Hermagsjesty · 07/07/2019 10:23

I really feel for you OP. My DH used coke recreationally before we had kids and I’ve never liked it. He’s always known I don’t like it. He has done it occasionally since our kids were born and is honest about it. I wouldnt like the lying. But him ever bringing it into the house where the kids are would absolutely be a deal breaker for me. I’m sorry.

ohtheholidays · 07/07/2019 10:25

I would kick him out!

That's what I did when I found out my fiance was using drugs again

He didn't tell me he'd ever used until I was heavily pregnant with our first DC,I was a single mum to my 2 DS's when we met,he knew I was completely anti drugs(I didn't even smoke)he promised me it would never happen again and I believed him that was until I found some in his bag when our DS was 11 months old,I kicked him out there and then and even when I found out I was pregnant again less than a week after I kicked him out I never took him back.

My DD I was pregnant with is 16 now and he's never seen her or our DS and it was by far the best decision I ever made(I had to block him and all of his family because they became so abusive)I've remarried and had my 5th DC and me and my DH have been together for 14 years and he's the complete opposite to my ex's and mine and my DC's lifes are so much better than it ever would have been if I'd stayed with him.

Just imagine if your child was able to get hold of that bag,your child would be seriously ill in hospital and SS and the Police would be involved,no man is worth that!

FuriousVexation · 07/07/2019 10:26

Cocaine isn't physically addictive.

Op's H didn't bring coke into the house. He left an empty bag in his pocket, which I'm assuming fell out onto the bathroom floor when he got undressed.

I hate coke, and I hate coke heads. I often refer to it as "instant arsehole powder" - just do some coke and become an arrogant, annoying idiot!

But let's actually keep some kind of perspective here. "What would happen if your son found it?!?!?!" - well, if he licked the inside of the empty bag, he may have found his tongue and lips went numb for a short period.

OP is your fella in an industry where coke use is normalised? EG sales, hospitality, stock brokering, etc? If his night out was with colleagues then I'd be looking at peer pressure, and that gives you a place to start talking.

If he is otherwise a good partner and father - I'd be negotiating ground rules rather than going straight to LTB.

ooohhhhcrap · 07/07/2019 10:27

Tell him he needs to pack up and start looking for somewhere else.
Tell him you've found it in the bathroom where your dc will be roaming and that if he starts kicking up a fuss youl let everyone know why.

He can tell himself it's no big deal but let him know that to his parents etc it will be as it is you.

It's not normal or acceptable op so don't let him try to convince you otherwise.

I'd probably be packing his shit up myself

Mummyshark2018 · 07/07/2019 10:29

I wouldn't automatically break up over this. I don't see coke as being any bigger a problem than alcohol use in terms of the personal impact (how it effects someone). I am not talking about the ethical, moral or legal perspectives.

If he is otherwise a good partner and father I would have a good talk with him and agree some parameters around this, if he doesn't want to stop the occasional use e.g. not to be used when he is returning home to family etc.

Pinktinker · 07/07/2019 10:29

I’d be leaving. I know some people are cool about this sort of thing but I hate drugs like you and this would be a complete dealbreaker. He lied to you too, that’s one of the worst things about it.

Kathsmum · 07/07/2019 10:30

To give another point of view I’d allow him time to discuss the lying.
He knew your feelings so wasn’t honest. If you can trust him he gets another chance.
Totally separate is using but this is on a night out. How many people drink, smoke etc where their children can see? The bag was stupid. Maybe he wanted you to know, didn’t like the lies? Sorry but alcohol is a million times more destructive.
Also access will be given so you need to try to keep things amicable whether you’re together or not.

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