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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To break up over a bag of coke ?

174 replies

Farkirkmash · 07/07/2019 09:08

So DP has admitted he’s occasionally done cocaine on a night out
None since birth of our daughter
Went out last night, I asked him if he’d done any when he got in ( because of the crowd) he said no.
Went downstairs this morning he had got undressed in the bathroom and an empty bag of coke was next to his pants

Do I kick him out ?
I feel like I need to but do I break my family up over this ?
We have one baby together 6M and I have another child age 4.
I hate drugs and im so upset he’s lied Sad

OP posts:
Passthecherrycoke · 07/07/2019 11:07

Tbh, can’t you see why he lied? You told him you wouldn’t “allow” it. He wants to do it, and tbh, he’s a grown man so has the right to make that decision, then he sort of has to lie to you doesn’t he? You’ve told him he isn’t allowed. So he tells you and you say it’s over, or he lies and has a fair chance you won’t find out and it won’t be over. I don’t think the lying is surprising at all.

I do think if he’s a drug user and you are so anti drugs you’re probably not suited to each other but what a shame with 2 very young children, for all of you

FermatsTheorem · 07/07/2019 11:07

Flowers OP, what a crap situation to be dumped into by your DH's selfishness.

Obviously you have to make up your own mind, but you asked what we'd do.

For me, coke alone would be a dumping offence. I've never met a coke user who wasn't a completely selfish arsehole.

Lying about something that important - also dumping.

Leaving bags of coke around the house where the toddler might stumble over them - that's get the police involved so there's a paper trail so I can make sure after the split he only gets supervised access in a contact centre until the kids are old enough to know "you don't eat any strange things you might find round daddy's place" territory.

mundoespanol · 07/07/2019 11:09

I would show him a documentary of how cocaine is made - there are many out there - what the ‘manufacturers’ think they are making (energy powder for soldiers) for their bosses, the way it is transported - in condoms swallowed by poor and desperate pregnant women is one example, show him all the gang wars in Mexico and Central America - gangs in Honduras consist of over 250,000 members in one gang and if a teenager refuses to join a gang their mother is killed and their sisters are raped - hence the migrant problem and Trumps insistence on building a wall!
Stabbings in the UK over turf wars and control.

Ask him if he is addicted and have a very honest conversation about it.
If after all that he still takes it say goodbye!!!
You don’t need the hassle that sh*t brings.
I have known people in S.America who have cocaine, people in the UK who have taken drugs and people who have worked with addicts - it is not pretty!!

TheDarkPassenger · 07/07/2019 11:10

I would be furious at the baggy in the house but I wouldn’t break my family up over it, no

mundoespanol · 07/07/2019 11:13

Last paragraph should ‘people in S.America who have trafficked
Stupid phone!!!Hmm

YouTheCat · 07/07/2019 11:14

Yes, he is a grown man and so it is up to him whether he breaks the law and puts his health at risk.

And the OP is a grown woman who is well within her rights to tell him to fuck right off.

I wonder how many other times he's lied about his drug taking?

EKGEMS · 07/07/2019 11:19

You feel bad? Imagine how you'll feel when social services finds out you had two vulnerable children exposed to cocaine in a baggy! They'd probably hitch up your house and tow it away! Your husband has an addiction problem and not a wrong friend's problem. Protect your children. He lied to you to protect himself and was too fucked to go even conceal it. He doesn't give a damn

poobumwee · 07/07/2019 11:22

He brought it into your house and put your kids at risk. Massively out of order! Hope you are OK OP!

Gillian1980 · 07/07/2019 11:25

Yanbu.

I say this as someone who used to enjoy occasional recreational drug use on nights out.

Once you have kids it’s got to stop, you can’t put them at risk by having this stuff around them or risking your life by taking unknown substances.

Plus he has lied which is also unacceptable, especially with something so important.

Do, while I’m not actually 100% anti drugs, he has been a twat.

WeLoveToBoogieOnASaturdayNight · 07/07/2019 11:31

I second what @herculepoirot2 said:
Both the lying and the bringing of drugs into my home would be the end for me.

Justathinslice · 07/07/2019 11:34

He lied because you hate drugs and he didnt want you to kick off

And

He lied because he knew you'd kick off

Well, that tidily makes it the OP's fault then?

Naw. He lied because he wanted to lie. No other reason

BaweB · 07/07/2019 11:35

Absolutely I would not break up a family over this. I would explain why you're angry but to break up the family? No. I honestly think everyone on here is crazy to say leave him without a second thought and I think you're overreacting to suggest it.

If my DH did this I'd explain why it's not on and tell him that if it keeps happening then there's a problem.

IncyWincyGrownUp · 07/07/2019 11:39

For some of us it’s a hard no. It would be for me. I don’t understand those people who think splitting up is more damaging than staying with a drug addict.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 07/07/2019 11:40

If my DH did this I'd explain why it's not on and tell him that if it keeps happening then there's a problem

You wouldn't break up a family over leaving drugs where a child could access them?

Also, OPs already told him it's not on and why and he agreed. Then lied and did it anyway because what he wants is more important than his family.

So how many times should she just tell him off and let it go?

One more? Two? Ten?

Would she be allowed to break up a family if she was sitting in a hospital beside her child?

Because the only reason that didn't happen is that she found it before her child did.

MrsMiggins37 · 07/07/2019 11:41

Why are people bringing alcohol into it? That’s just whataboutery and not relevant.

Passthecherrycoke · 07/07/2019 11:42

It’s not drugs it’s a drug plastic bag

HorridHenrysNits · 07/07/2019 11:42

As the child of an alcoholic, I still know full well that alcohol isn't as destructive as cocaine. The alcohol trade isn't destabilising entire regions.

MrsMiggins37 · 07/07/2019 11:43

INo. I honestly think everyone on here is crazy to say leave him without a second thought and I think you're overreacting to suggest it.*

Everyone has their red line of absolute acceptable minimum behaviour. Mine is to be married to a decent person and coke users are not decent people.

AriadneCrete · 07/07/2019 11:43

All those who are saying he didn’t bring drugs into the home because the bag was empty- so are you saying you wouldn’t seek medical attention if you discovered your children had licked/ put an empty coke bag in their mouth?

There would be an immediate referral by doctors and SS would certainly view it as having drugs in the home.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 07/07/2019 11:45

are you saying you wouldn’t seek medical attention if you discovered your children had licked/ put an empty coke bag in their mouth?

I wondered this too. All too easy to be "cool" until it's your kid that's kicked cocaine residue eh? Bet they wouldn't be so keen to dismiss it as silly then eh?

Or when SS were involved, because a parent put a child at risk?

HorridHenrysNits · 07/07/2019 11:46

It's because you arent allowed to mention any negative effect of any narcotic on MN without someone piping up about alcohol mrsmiggins. It's like a klaxon goes off. There are times when it's a relevant point, but this thread is not one of them.

kateandme · 07/07/2019 11:46

no as the line goes game changer for me.sorry op.
not easy.
but this is something he "does" now too not just a one off.he has previous.
and he bloody lied becsue he new it was wrong.this isnt a good reason to lie!
i know it will be hard.but wil mkaing the decision now and doing it quickyl at least mean thats it.there will be no waiting for it to happen again.or learning or not to trust.once is enough with drugs.at least for now.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 07/07/2019 11:46

*licked not kicked.

lunar1 · 07/07/2019 11:46

He wouldn't even be getting unsupervised access to the baby if he can't see the danger he could have caused. It won't be long before they are at crawling stage.

MrsMiggins37 · 07/07/2019 11:49

I agree @HorridHenrysNits. If the thread was just about the effects of the drug alcohol comparisons might be relevant but it’s not