Random child hit my baby

[bluehatbaby]

Name changed. Don't usually post this kind of thing. Really angry. I was waiting in the queue at shopping centre toilets. My 8 month old son was crying and I was (still am) super stressed out as was bursting for a wee and had hysterical child to contend with. Woman stood next to me with child I would say was about 5. She kept saying 'naughty baby naughty baby' - I ignored. Thought she was quite cute. She then turned and smacked my son on the top of his head, hard, at which point he screamed the fucking place down. The woman grabbed her daughter's arm and said nothing to her. I in all fairness went a bit nuts and told her to control her child. She snapped at me 'she's fucking autistic you stupid cow' and dragged her daughter by her hood out of the toilets.

I literally don't know how to feel about it. Pissed off. Ds has now cried himself to sleep and has a red mark on his head.

AIBU to ask mn for some words of wisdom as I'm not very calm and just want to cry.

Crikey, how 'stupid' of you not to have known that she was 'fucking autistic!!' Just by looking at her!
Seriously, is that what the mother wants.... Everyone to label her own child as 'f'ing autistic' and immediately notice her! The mother should have kept her under control and apologized.

The child's mother was rude and ignorant. Her lack of apology and hurling abuse at you were totally unacceptable.

Some of the responses on here about autism are equally ignorant. Autism is not an excuse for anything but it is an explanation.

But to the posters advocating violence towards a disabled five year old or even their carers in retaliation for the child’s actions, I’m less worried about how my autistic kid is going to turn out, and seriously fucking worried about yours.

Quite.

It's possible she wasn't autistic at all, and it was something the woman shouted at you to get you to shut up.

I am the mother of an autistic child. If he hit a baby and at 5 this is something that I can quite imagine he would have done, I would have been absolutely mortified. I would have stayed, explained, made sure the situation was left as resolved as it could be.

Having said that, having an autistic child is a parenting that I fully sympathize with this mother. She was probably overwhelmed and embarrassed. I'm sorry for your baby, the mother and the little girl.

This is an awful thing to happen, for all concerned.

How upsetting for you to see your baby being hit. The mother could have been a bit more apologetic, obviously it's not the child faulty. My god son has severe autism and whilst my best mate can normally preempt any "outburst" not always obviously. I think the mother has obviously been struggling herself on that day. It just the initial shock I think which that makes you react though

The ignorance on here for people coping with Autism is ridiculous, education is key, if you are coming from an informed place you are less likely to offend.

I have had it done to my son whilst he was a touch older and in his trike. We were in a shop and a child about 5, kept shouting at his mum 'that baby has a trike I want" he then proceeded to hit the peak of the cap my son was wearing. The mum dragged him away,whilst he kept repeating "I want his trike" he then escaped his mum ran up in my blind spot and hit my son.
As you can imagine, the mother did not see a nice side to me, but the child continued to scream and shout throughout their shopping trip, and before I knew it, I was apologising to the mother for over reacting. she quite clearly was having a tough time.

Yes parenting an autistic child is horrendous at times but it means that it can be more challenging to teach your child good behaviour it doesn’t mean it can’t be taught.

I'm not sure whether to laugh or just shake my head at your complete stupidity!

I really worry about what will happen in the future

Maybe the world should get on board with becoming more accepting of neurodiversity and then the future won't be quite so worrying.

I don't think that parents will get on board with being more accepting of seeing their baby belted about the head.

I’d have told the child off - autism or not.

It's possible she wasn't autistic at all, and it was something the woman shouted at you to get you to shut up

This is not the first post to suggest the woman was lying about her daughter being autistic.THIS IS NOT A THING PEOPLE! Parents do not claim their child has additional needs if they don't. The woman in question was perfectly (demonstrably!) capable of telling OP to shut up and fuck off without mentioning autism at all.

Parents of autistic children mostly do teach them the right way to behave. The problem with autism is that children with the disorder are frequently unable to control their own behaviour, especially when stressed. A crying baby nearby is a classic trigger. And before anyone jumps on me, no of course I am not condoning the child hitting the baby. As I said upthread, I am explaining it because some people who clearly require educating.

They really do lauder. They 100‰really honestly do.

Youre nieve if you think otherwise.

I can fully imagine a situation where the other mum had been struggling to get their child to agree to use the loo, despite them needing to go due to interoception issues or sensory issues surrounding the hand driers for example, or their child being desperate for the loo and and freaking out because they had to wait in a queue and as a result the mum's stress level rising. This would have been on top of the standard stresses of having an autistic five year old to look after all day, and the additional stresses of doing so in somewhere like a shopping centre. Maybe the mum had calculated that trying to interfer with the child would likely not end well so decided the best thing to do would be to leave her be for a bit. She possibly had taken in many factors including her own headspace
Maybe she misjudged. Maybe the child had never been stuck in that close proximity to a crying child before so she didn't know her DD would strike out. Yes, she should have apologised, but I can fully comprehend how she might have been fed up with everything and so stressed out that she snapped. It is truly horrible to be on high alert, constantly, for what your child is doing when out in public, in a way you cannot imagine if you've never done it. It is exhausting to constantly be searching for your child's stressors and be trying to avoid them in a way that doesn't set your child off. It is totally exhausting to be bearing the emotional load that comes with having given birth to a child that is so different from the vast majority that you often feel like someone has kicked you in the stomach when you see how the world in general treats them - schools, other kids, the media, the general public, public spaces etc. And yet she has to carry on, for the sake of her daughter. Of course, if everything had gone perfectly your daughter would not have been hit, and I can fully imagine what you must have gone through, with the double blow of not even receiving an apology, but the other mum is human, she is not perfect, and neither is the probably practically non-existant support network around her. I am almost certain in hindsight she very sorry. It takes quite a high level of stress for someone to show no compassion for such a young child being injured like that. Is hope everyone involved is okay.

I don't think that parents will get on board with being more accepting of seeing their baby belted about the head.

That's not what I meant by being more accepting of neurodiversity and you know it.

If the child was autistic and upset about the noise then the mother could have been explaining that the baby isn’t naughty but babies cry and some reasons why. Shit she could have been doing this regardless.

And this just demonstrates the gulf between those with an understanding of autism and those without.

For a noise-sensitive child the baby’s crying could potentially sound like a jackhammer in their head - it is physically painful. Reason and explanations are about as useful as a chocolate teapot when a child’s stress levels are at meltdown stage. The only thing that will work is removing them (if safe to do so) from the situation.

While I feel for the OP who is completely justified in being upset that her child was hit, I have a child with ASD and can imagine how the other parent was feeling. She / her daughter needed the bathroom and could see her daughter’s stress levels rising and her dilemma was - will we make it to the top of the queue before things get out of control or not ? I have had these dilemmas and sometimes have made the wrong call and no one has felt shittier than me in that situation. I can understand how crap that mother might have felt - upset daughter, injured baby and shouting other parent, and all my fault. Sometimes I have felt really defensive (which is potentially why she didn’t apologize) but I can guarantee you she felt terrible OP.

My nephew has autism and I watch him for my brother a lot, surely mum should of realised that the ‘naughty baby’ was a massive red light towards a meltdown/incident occurring. I would of moved him away from the baby ASAP. Mum should of apologised, it was a horrible accident, I do hope your little one is okay now OP.

OldMcDonald ❤️

I’d have told the child off - autism or not.

And you'd have more than likely made a bad situation worse. When DS is in that pre-meltdown zone he, like many other autistic children, is in a highly emotional state and barely holding it together. All it can take is one more thing to tip him over the edge, a thing such as a telling off. When we have had situations where he's been on that cliff edge and his behaviour has been unacceptable any sort of telling off has to wait until he is calm or else it's just adding fuel to the fire.

From my own experience as a (very well-behaved, not that it should matter) autistic child - what would to an NT child be a stern telling-off can be beyond traumatic for an autistic child. To just “tell off” an autistic child with no consideration for how intense (not irrational, but amplified) their emotions likely are compared with an NT child’s would be absolutely the wrong thing to do.

I’ve never seen any demographic be dehumanised in the way that autistic people are.

No, I’ve told plenty of ASD children off over time, Having a degree of autism does not mean they cannot be naughty. Hitting someone else is naughty. They need to understand that.
If it was pre meltdown the mother would know the lashed out when in a stew and kept them at a distance. Sounds like they gave fair warning.

They really do lauder. They 100‰ really honestly do.
Youre nieve if you think otherwise.

Really?! I have never, ever come across it or heard anecdotal evidence about it from others.
I guess I'm naïve then. Great. So not only do I have to worry about strangers judging my child and my parenting, I also have to worry they just think I'm a liar.

Lived in special schools a good portion of my life. So not entirely inexperienced.