Random child hit my baby

[bluehatbaby]

Name changed. Don't usually post this kind of thing. Really angry. I was waiting in the queue at shopping centre toilets. My 8 month old son was crying and I was (still am) super stressed out as was bursting for a wee and had hysterical child to contend with. Woman stood next to me with child I would say was about 5. She kept saying 'naughty baby naughty baby' - I ignored. Thought she was quite cute. She then turned and smacked my son on the top of his head, hard, at which point he screamed the fucking place down. The woman grabbed her daughter's arm and said nothing to her. I in all fairness went a bit nuts and told her to control her child. She snapped at me 'she's fucking autistic you stupid cow' and dragged her daughter by her hood out of the toilets.

I literally don't know how to feel about it. Pissed off. Ds has now cried himself to sleep and has a red mark on his head.

AIBU to ask mn for some words of wisdom as I'm not very calm and just want to cry.

Yeah, that’s not ok. Other mum is an arse

Autistic people usually have heightened sensory input and what is an annoying or even unremarkable noise to you (eg a hand-dryer, a crying baby) can be absolutely excruciating for an autistic person and cause unbearable pain. Think about how calmly and rationally you would respond to agonising pain at 5 years old.

Same here @MauisHouseOnMaui or we get self harming, talk that he wants to kill himself etc. Children with ASD don’t react the same way to NT children in many ways.

A good saying I’ve learned is “all behaviour is communication”. It really helps in trying to understand that when ASD people lash out in unacceptable ways it’s because there’s something in their situation at that time that is causing them a difficulty but they don’t know how to communicate it.

(None of it makes it OK that the baby was hit or that the mum didn’t apologise of course no one thinks that)

And of course I would tell my son if he hit someone that it was naughty behaviour

The other mum was totally out of order!

My son 9 has autism and a severe learning disability. He has no speech at all and major sensory issues. How he behaves and the situations i put him in are 100% my responsibility! I know he wouldn't cope in certain places nor would he enjoy them, so i don't take him. He has never hit another person other than me in my care, nor will i ever allow that to happen. My child my responsibility.

It's incredibly difficult and absolutely miserable and i feel for the other mum but she was totally out of order.

I hope your little one is okay op.

There’s no excuse for this, even if her child is autistic a quick ‘I’m so sorry she’s autistic/I’m finding it hard/is your son ok’ is the minimum I’d expect if another child hurt mine. She was in the wrong regardless of the situation, her reaction and choice of words were disgusting and I would have said the same as you. I do hope your baby is ok and you’re also ok now

Did the mum try to apologise? Your OP doesn’t say. It says you went nuts. Did you give her chance to speak? I can see both sides and neither is good.

@akmum18 maybe she tried to say that but OP was yelling so much she couldn’t

Cherry - are you the poster who said they wouldn’t hire a candidate if they turned up to an interview with bare legs as it’s so unprofessional?

Seconded PartOstrich

Lauder, I never said for one minute you were a liar. Ever.

PartOstrich thirded.

My ds frequently talks about killing himself when he is distressed too. It's really hard to deal with as someone who loves him very much And he would have a humongous meltdown if he was already triggered and a stranger told him off.

It's all very well being self-righteous and pulling up 'bad behaviour' when you see it Cherry, but you get to then just walk away and carry on with your life while the parent has to pick up the pieces.

@cherrypavlova you clearly have zero idea what you are talking about!

PartOstrich Absolutely if my baby was hit I would. Not nastily, not unkindly but a firm “You mustn’t hit babies”.

If people continue to excuse unacceptable behaviour that can be controlled (ie not hitting) then it’s terribly sad and makes it much harder for children with autism who don’t lash out to integrate. Perhaps we shouldn’t ‘understand’ hitting as acceptable because you have an ASD disorder just as a child with Prader Willis shouldn’t be allowed to eat themselves into a gave or a diabetic child shouldn’t have their desire for sweets indulged. We accept the child but reject the behaviour.

More importantly, whilst the autistic child picks up the pieces. Any telling-off when I was a kid prompted suicidal thoughts. No child deserves that.

Lauder I'll try again
What I mean is people have a huge mis understanding of autism. So when they see their child turning wheels on a car over and over because they are exploring, they claim they are autistic. When they don't like loud noises, they are autistic. When they don't like change they are autistic. Obviously autism is complex and its not a blanket diagnosis but what I mean is when people type that into Google they self diagnose and blame everything on autism, every single thing. And even when experts have denied this they still carry on and yes, I have experienced this.

@SylviaAndSidney
8 month old infant who is defenceless hit by 5 year old and OP is at fault...
If 15 year old punched a 10 year old is that fine also🤷🏽‍♀️

@ballsdeep No, of course not, I didn't intend to imply that you did, sorry. Am just thinking about my life and how I will remember this thread from now on.

The rejectiong of the behaviour shouldn’t cause disproportionate harm. I’d say that potentially causing a child to experience suicidal thoughts constitutes disproportionate harm.

My son has ASD and I've had to apologise profusely to another mum at soft play when he hit another child in the head. Thankfully the mum was very gracious about it but had I not had the decency to apologise I don't think I would have blamed her for getting pissed off.

My DS is only a toddler but that and the fact he has ASD doesn't mean it's ok to strike other children and not be told no, that's wrong.

I've actually found myself apologising for his behaviour on many other occasions, it's the polite thing to do.

OP you were well within your right to be angry and I hope your son is ok.

Yes having an autistic child can be hard, stressful and sometimes have you feeling as though you're out of your depth but none of the above justifies her reaction.

She should have apologised immediately on behalf of her daughter.

**PatButchersEarring:

‘ autistic or not control your child ‘.

This is just the type of stuff that come from ignorant attitudes of people who do not understand or sympathise with the concept of learning disabilities , mental health problems etc.

We don’t know whether the child who did this had a learning disability . How many of us can honestly say that our children ( with learning difficulties or not ) have not done something unexpected , been rough with a child in a way with which we were unhappy and had to give a telling off ?

None of our children are angels who have never done anything wrong .

That is the nature of CHILDREN.

On the subject of AUTISM or other learning difficulties / mental health problems .

None of you even KNOW if this child is autistic .it could be anyone’s healthy child having a naughty moment .

Why should ANY MOTHER stop taking her child out or do normal things like shopping because SOCIETY had decided to decide it is better she ALIENATES her child from the world .

Learning difficulties can be classified as a DISABILITY which is a PROTECTED characteristic under the EQUALITY ACT.

IF you are suggesting this POOR MOTHER Does not take a child out because HE/ SHE has a DISABILITY , I think you are probably making discriminatory remarks against her child , which I think may be INLAWFUL

These attitudes need to stop .

If YOU can’t COPE with the variation and diversity in society including those with mental health and learning disabilities , then you need to get to grips with the world and reality .

Do YOU think you will NEVER need to deal with a brain injury , neurological illness or other health problem causing unpredictable behaviour from a loved one your WHOLE life ? What , just everything is OK for you now ?

There are a lot of diseases affecting the mind in the young and in the old .

We need to be a less judgemental society which can be accepting , sympathetic and inclusive . We never know when we have to face or deal with it ourselves .