Random child hit my baby

[bluehatbaby]

Name changed. Don't usually post this kind of thing. Really angry. I was waiting in the queue at shopping centre toilets. My 8 month old son was crying and I was (still am) super stressed out as was bursting for a wee and had hysterical child to contend with. Woman stood next to me with child I would say was about 5. She kept saying 'naughty baby naughty baby' - I ignored. Thought she was quite cute. She then turned and smacked my son on the top of his head, hard, at which point he screamed the fucking place down. The woman grabbed her daughter's arm and said nothing to her. I in all fairness went a bit nuts and told her to control her child. She snapped at me 'she's fucking autistic you stupid cow' and dragged her daughter by her hood out of the toilets.

I literally don't know how to feel about it. Pissed off. Ds has now cried himself to sleep and has a red mark on his head.

AIBU to ask mn for some words of wisdom as I'm not very calm and just want to cry.

As the mother of a 5 year old autistic child I agree exactly with @EleanorOalike. My son also hits babies so I try not to take him where babies are but sometimes it's unavoidable. I would always apologise but I understand how the feeling of total humiliation and desperation can just stop a mum from reacting normally.

It's one thing talking about the prejudice people get due to non-visible disabilities, but there comes a point where you have to step in and be accountable for who you are being a care-giver to. Yes, the child could not help her behaviour, but as a parent you need to be responsible for your child. Even if she didn't read the situation and prevent it from happening (due to a lapse in concentration, a lack of experience, whatever reason it may be), that does not prevent you from apologising. Shouting at the OP was rude, and I guarantee if the shoe had been on the other foot, she would have been livid if a child hit her child, especially if the parent did not apologise.

IDo you know what, I'm getting so fed up of autism being used as an excuse for bad behaviour.*

Said by the smug perfect parent of only neurotypical children. Not a fucking clue.

If you were holding and comforting your crying baby I can’t really understand how a 5 year old would be able to reach up and hit him that hard over the head. Trying to picture it but how were neither parent in a position to intervene and block it unless both of you were ignoring your children?

The woman should definitely have apologised, but I can sympathise that taking a disabled child to a shopping centre can often be highly stressful and she was likely at breaking point. Crying babies are often a trigger for children with autism and if you weren’t making an effort to comfort your child (only way I can see his head would be at a five-year-olds height would be if he was being ignored in a buggy?) I can see why she might feel you were in part to blame. You then ‘going nuts’ totally escalated the situation and probably made the situation a lot worse for all of you.

Also, caregivers or parents of children with non visible disabilities who behave like this (I'm talking about the adult's behaviour, not the child's) are part of why people with non visible disabilities face such bullshit.

It's exhausting being judged by the behaviour of NT people who perpetuate stereotypes about ND people.

It's really fucking unfair too.

And it does impact our lives, on a daily basis.

If you were holding and comforting your crying baby I can’t really understand how a 5 year old would be able to reach up and hit him that hard over the head

He was in the pram. I was desperate for a wee. Next in line for toilet. Had to wait ages as only 2 big enough for a pram. That was no problem. No point getting my son out of the pram to then put him back in. He is fine once the pram gets moving. Scared I'm going to be told I'm a bad mum now for not getting my son out of his pram.

Sorry if this thread has upset anyone.

In terms of the apology it’s also possible that acknowledging her DDs behaviours make things worse/ escalate the situation. I used to work with a little boy with autism who would hit/ kick etc others looking for a reaction. Telling him off or responding to the behaviour made

OP you are not a bad parent for leaving your child in the pram, how are you supposed to have a wee holding a baby?

As the mother of an autistic 9 year old who can't bear babies crying, I would have been standing with my hands over my sons ears over his hands and trying to work out if there was a plan B or if we really needed to wait for those exact toilets at that exact time, in which case I'd be constantly assessing my son's body language for his particular "tells" that he was unable to self regulate any longer. I'd have myself between him and your baby and if I heard "naughty baby" I would be calmly telling him that the baby is sad not naughty and the baby is too young to understand him. I might give him the choice to wait in the queue near the baby, let the baby go ahead of us, or move to x toilets instead.
Out in public I would never be paying less attention than that if I heard a baby crying, as I know it's a trigger.
If it was the first time ever that woman's child reacted that way, then I could just about understand the response you got but I see ahead of me many years of teaching by role modelling how to interact socially, and every moment is a teachable one, which is why it is so exhausting going out anywhere unpredictable.

If my son has done something my first action is to stop the situation escalating so my concentration would be on him. I may not apologise straight away.

She should have apologised.

I'm over it now. I posted a few minutes after it happened. I was upset for my son. Annoyed at the girls mum. I have no hard feelings towards the young girl. None at all. I was just upset that any child hit my son and I got no apology. Just felt a bit worthless that's all. All ok now and thanks for advice.

You have nothing to apologise for OP Of course you were upset.

Glad your son is ok x

*posted to soon.

Any sort of reaction made his behaviours much worse and you had to just try and remove him from the situation whilst also essentially pretending not to have seen the behaviours. It probably looked to anybody who witnessed his behaviour that we weren’t giving any consequences or apologising but that was the strategy we found worked best to de-escalate the situation.

And definitely not suggesting you are a bad mum, it’s impossible to be hands on all of the time. But equally if you’re in a public space with a baby around young children you need to take some of the responsibility for ensuring they’re not too close to the other person’s space, especially if they’re screaming and crying. When the child started saying ‘naughty baby’ that was a cue that your son was bothering her and you could have moved the pram back a bit so he was further from the child. Equally the child’s parent should have recognised this warning sign and moved her child too so I’m certainly not suggesting you’re to blame, at the end of the day it was just one of those things that happens. But maybe in future consider than babies crying can be distressing and irritating to others, especially those with autism, and be mindful about trying to keep your baby away from the space of others when you can or make efforts to comfort him if you’re in an enclosed space with others.

The noise will probably have triggered the child, I actually sympathise with the mum. It gets tedious constantly having to leave places because of other peoples children

Are you actually blaming OP for having a crying baby?

If your child is autistic then you should be on guard to prevent them from assaulting other children, and not swear at the mother of a baby that gets hit on the head.

I have 2 autistic children. If one of them did that you can be sure they would get a telling off. Having ASD isn't an excuse for naughtiness and it infuriates me that people think it's an excuse for everything

I find it odd how many kids become suddenly autistic or sn when naughty....

You're not worthless, and you're understandably upset.

I think possibly the little girl's Mum was a bit limited in her abilities to cope with both her child and the situation.

MrsxRocky

Would you prefer them to wear a sign to make you aware?

'If she turned around and instantly said 'I'm so sorry, my child is autistic and I can't apologise enough for what just happened' I would have been absolutely fine.'

Only so many times you can be that polite in a day when you're stressed and random people are having a go at you I imagine.

MyNewBearTotoro you should be ashamed of yourself posting shit like that! Does making a new mother feel like she's a bad mum make you feel better for whatever your problem is? OP you did nothing wrong having baby in the pram when he was crying, don't let nastiness like that make you think anything bad about your parenting.

I find it odd how many kids become suddenly autistic or sn when naughty....

I find it odd that this myth is so frequently trotted out by people who have absolutely no idea what it is they're sounding off about.

It’s not that they only become autistic/ sn when naughty but rather that if the child becomes more noticeable when they’re exhibiting challenging behaviours. Most parents aren’t going to need to explain their child’s autism/ SN when they’re happy and calm, but when the child starts displaying challenging behaviours often parents feel the need to justify it to the public.

Also I would argue there’s often a difference between a neurotypical child being ‘naughty’ and an autistic or disabled child’s behaviours. The behaviours such as hitting/ kicking/ throwing/ shouting might look different but often a disabled child generally cannot control these behaviours, especially if they’re in meltdown. A lot of disabled children also have problems with executive function and impulse control, behaviours may be a compulsion (as one with OCD might have compulsions) which are much harder to control for that child. It’s really not as easy, even for an autistic child with no other difficulties (and many will have associated learning difficulties, ADHD, anxiety or other additional needs), as just disciplining the behaviour and teaching to be ‘good.’

I find it odd how many kids become suddenly autistic or sn when naughty....

I find it odd how many adults are pig ignorant about autism and sn, so we are quits I guess