Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Random child hit my baby

489 replies

bluehatbaby · 06/07/2019 17:22

Name changed. Don't usually post this kind of thing. Really angry. I was waiting in the queue at shopping centre toilets. My 8 month old son was crying and I was (still am) super stressed out as was bursting for a wee and had hysterical child to contend with. Woman stood next to me with child I would say was about 5. She kept saying 'naughty baby naughty baby' - I ignored. Thought she was quite cute. She then turned and smacked my son on the top of his head, hard, at which point he screamed the fucking place down. The woman grabbed her daughter's arm and said nothing to her. I in all fairness went a bit nuts and told her to control her child. She snapped at me 'she's fucking autistic you stupid cow' and dragged her daughter by her hood out of the toilets.

I literally don't know how to feel about it. Pissed off. Ds has now cried himself to sleep and has a red mark on his head.

AIBU to ask mn for some words of wisdom as I'm not very calm and just want to cry.

OP posts:
JustTwoMoreSecs · 06/07/2019 18:23

Disgraceful that a mother cannot stop her child attacking a baby quite a stupid comment, you can’t stop an autistic child from hitting, you can try to teach them but it takes time, but you can’t control them! What you can do however is apologize and explain, which the woman didn’t do.

Sagradafamiliar · 06/07/2019 18:23

She was lying. Disgusting to use autism as a retort to one up you after her own disgraceful bad manners.
If the child was autistic, the mother would've a) been on high alert and b) been quick to apologise and explain. Not throw autism at you as a parting tirade of abuse after the event.

Haffdonga · 06/07/2019 18:25

I in all fairness went a bit nuts

What do you mean 'nuts' ? Calmly and assertively asking her to control her child is not 'nuts'. I assume nuts means shouting/ behaving aggressively/ swearing or calling her names?

I think now you feel calmer in the telling of the story you are probably minimising your own aggressive behaviour.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 06/07/2019 18:25

quite a stupid comment, you can’t stop an autistic child from hitting, you can try to teach them but it takes time, but you can’t control them!

Recognising rising stress levels and doing something to calm their child is a reasonable expectation no? It's what I've done for years, because I need to help my children cope in a busy, noisy and stressful world, but I also need to ensure they and others are safe. It's not an either or situation.

Hearing the wee girl say naughty baby was an indication that she was struggling with the noise (something she cannot help or change), so it was up to her to help her child.

AguerosAngel · 06/07/2019 18:26

Glad your DS is ok OP Flowers

I’d have been absolutely furious, the other Mum was bang out of line not apologising and shouting at you! I would have reprimanded my DC immediately they said “ naughty baby” and moved them away from the baby (still in the queue but out of reach of the baby.

I get she’s Autistic, but the Mother cannot allow her to just lash out at others, one day someone could do it back to her and twice as hard! (Before I get flamed I’m not suggesting people should hit children but she could do it to another child who won’t put up with being hit and will hit back!)

Spikeyball · 06/07/2019 18:27

Lovemusic33 I wouldn't punish my son the same as any other child because he doesn't have the understanding. I would class it as my fault for not picking up on the risk sooner.

MauisHouseOnMaui · 06/07/2019 18:27

Some of the thinly veiled ignorance on this thread is astounding and it didn't even get to the end of page one before someone was "jesting" about punching the 5yo Hmm

@lljkk has said everything I wanted to say, neither of you comes out of this situation covered in glory.

I hope your DS is okay, I imagine it was quite a shock for you.

Parents of children with autism are ime likely to say they have autism not that they are autistic. Parents of children who have been little shits are likely to say they are autistic as a defence mechanism for shitty parenting.

So now parents of autistic children are being judged on the terminology they use too?

TenAndFive · 06/07/2019 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Opossooom · 06/07/2019 18:29

What a great way to speak around your child. The mother was an absolute bell end by the sounds of it. Dragging her child by her hood? Would not surprise me if this was a lie.

Spikeyball · 06/07/2019 18:30

I don't think she was lying. I don't believe autistic is generally used as an excuse when a child isn't.

SylviaAndSidney · 06/07/2019 18:31

thinly veiled ignorance

Thinly veiled?! It's right there in all its mucky glory. Depressing as hell.

VivienneHolt · 06/07/2019 18:33

I feel for both you and the other mum - sounds like a horrible, stressful situation for you both. Hope your baby is ok now Flowers

Dee2B · 06/07/2019 18:34

What a "great role model" to the autistic child! Can't stand unreasonable people. They are not the only ones with issues. People have got to be considerate. If your child was autistic what would have she said then

ddl1 · 06/07/2019 18:34

Sorry this happened to your baby; I do hope he's OK now. I believe that the child probably did have autism or a similar problem. A typical 5-year-old would not say 'Naughty baby' over and over again; that's more the way a 2-year-old might talk, so I think the child probably did have some learning or communication disorder. The mother should have supervised the child better, especially as she gave some warning with the 'Naughty baby' comments; and she should have apologized, checked whether your baby was badly hurt, and not sworn at you. From your description, it does sound as though the mother was probably at the end of her tether - not that this excuses her for how she acted,

MauisHouseOnMaui · 06/07/2019 18:34

Recognising rising stress levels and doing something to calm their child is a reasonable expectation no?

That takes time to learn though and even then problems can still slip through the net, parents of autistic children are still only human and like all humans cannot be 100% on the ball 100% of the time.

It's easy for us all to sit here, having only heard one side of the story, and say what the other mother should have done. And that's not me saying OP is lying order ding the other mother, as I said earlier neither party in this comes out of it looking good, simply that we only have her viewpoint. Did the other mother hear what her daughter was saying? Did she have chance to react? Is this the first time her daughter has ever done this or is it a regular occurrence? What else had gone on that day? Are there other issues at play? And so on and so on. "Here is what should have happened..." can't really be applied when all of the facts aren't available.

GlitchStitch · 06/07/2019 18:34

I don't understand why people think she must have been lying, because if she really had autism her mother would definitely have done or said x, y, z. Parents of children with autism aren't a homogeneous mass who all behave exactly the same way.

SkintAsASkintThing · 06/07/2019 18:34

The noise will probably have triggered the child, I actually sympathise with the mum. It gets tedious constantly having to leave places because of other peoples children. Unless you're living with it, people don't realise just how hard it is.

However she still seriously needs to up her game and start picking up on the triggers. I'd have removed my DC when she first approached. It isn't fair on anyone having the child getting to the point where she's hurting others and she had.given fair warning that she wasn't coping.

MauisHouseOnMaui · 06/07/2019 18:35

Thinly veiled?! It's right there in all its mucky glory. Depressing as hell.

I was trying to be diplomatic Grin

smoothy · 06/07/2019 18:36

Parents of children with autism are ime likely to say they have autism not that they are autistic. Parents of children who have been little shits are likely to say they are autistic as a defence mechanism for shitty parenting

Autistic people tend to use “autistic” rather than “with autism”. A lot of parents of autistic children do use “with autism” but it’s not necessarily “correct” IYSWIM

MauisHouseOnMaui · 06/07/2019 18:40

Parents of children with autism are ime likely to say they have autism not that they are autistic

"Have autism" makes it seem like an illness, for example "I have a cold". Autistic people don't have autism, they are autistic. DS prefers to say he is autistic rather than that he has autism because being autistic is part of who he is in the same way that he is male/dark haired/blue eyed/allergic to cashews. It just is.

ballsdeep · 06/07/2019 18:40

Do you know what, I'm getting so fed up of autism being used as an excuse for bad behaviour.
A child in my 9yos class comes into school calling people the n word and the c word, but it's excused because he's autistic
He didn't come out of the womb swearing so he's heard it from somewhere. It's behaviour with a lot of children and parents put labels on without diagnosis.
People with autistic children know the struggle

Dee2B · 06/07/2019 18:41

With all fairness, saying 'control your child' was kind of asking for a defensive response . If I noticed that the mother wasn't doing anything despite seeing everything , I would tell the five year old no that's not a nice thing to do and keep a distance

MauisHouseOnMaui · 06/07/2019 18:42

Do you know what, I'm getting so fed up of autism being used as an excuse for bad behaviour.

It's behaviour with a lot of children and parents put labels on without diagnosis.

And the ignorance bingo card is suddenly full...

BatShite · 06/07/2019 18:43

The mum sounds like an entitled twat to be quite honest. Autism or no autism.

Obviously if the child is autistic, some leeway can be given with regards to the behaviour. But you already said you don't blame the child.

The mother though, of course she was unreasonable. Unfortunately there seems to be a fair few parents who think that other kids should just accept being hit by their kids because their kids have some form of disability or condition. And its horrific for anyone to ever speak up about it. Hence the attitude when someone does.

Annoys the hell out of me. Its generally pretty easy to see when an autistic child is getting stressed and such. Or, it is for me anyway with my daughter. I would remove her from the siaution before it got to that stage, and would not bloody dream of whinging at the other parent should something like this happen, I would apologize of course, like any civilized person would. Theres always excuses made on here though. Seen it loads of times. And people try to find ways that the parent who spoke up about their child being assaulted by another child who was not NT was in the wrong too, to somehow absolve the parent who was a twat, of any blame. Becuas etheir life must be so hard..etc etc. Well yeah, life with a child who has autism is pretty hard, that does not mean we can go around being utter twats to people.

loveskaka · 06/07/2019 18:45

I would have been fuming! If she knows her daughter is autistic and maybe prone to certain behaviours, she should have moved her away from your son. You and your son done nothing wrong x

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread