Random child hit my baby

[bluehatbaby]

Name changed. Don't usually post this kind of thing. Really angry. I was waiting in the queue at shopping centre toilets. My 8 month old son was crying and I was (still am) super stressed out as was bursting for a wee and had hysterical child to contend with. Woman stood next to me with child I would say was about 5. She kept saying 'naughty baby naughty baby' - I ignored. Thought she was quite cute. She then turned and smacked my son on the top of his head, hard, at which point he screamed the fucking place down. The woman grabbed her daughter's arm and said nothing to her. I in all fairness went a bit nuts and told her to control her child. She snapped at me 'she's fucking autistic you stupid cow' and dragged her daughter by her hood out of the toilets.

I literally don't know how to feel about it. Pissed off. Ds has now cried himself to sleep and has a red mark on his head.

AIBU to ask mn for some words of wisdom as I'm not very calm and just want to cry.

@ InstantCoffeeSavesTheDay

If you go with that reasoning, then should't the mum of the baby have picked him up when he was crying, ( or changed him/ fed him etc) instead of leaving him crying and distressed in the buggy ? Surely she should KNOW that she should stop her baby crying as she could see the effect the crying was having on the little girl ?

Absolute nonsense to think like that ! Neither mother is bloody psychic ! I thought we'd established that ?

I don't believe you daisy

You have had a brief taste of what a single autistic child is like , and are sounding very 'superior' about it.

I worked in special ed for years so have some other experience. If it's "superior" to have considerable experience and also knowledge then I plead guilty. The mother should have apologised. That's what I said. People who think otherwise don't seem to understand societal norms.

I don't believe you daisy

As if what you think matters.

I worked in special ed for years so have some other experience

And? I worked as a secretary in opthalmology for a few years back when my eldest DC was small. The consultant I worked for specialised in sight loss. Doesn't mean I have any sort of experience of what it's like to be blind though.

The mother should have apologised. That's what I said. People who think otherwise don't seem to understand societal norms.

Some people don't understand societal norms though. Declaring that you cannot empathise with someone because they didn't behave in the expected way is very strange for someone so apparently experienced in individuals with special needs.

This is very upsetting as it happened to my niece 20+ years ago ... i wasn’t there but I still cried ...
her dear little face was smacked and it left a mark ....

"If it's "superior" to have considerable experience and also knowledge then I plead guilty"

You don't have considerable experience and knowledge.

Everyone keeps saying that the child didn’t understand. Ok fine, accepted. But the mother did and didn’t apologise.

And saying OP is “covered in glory” (whatever that new shit turn of phrase even means) how would you react if someone punched you in the shopping queue. Or your elderly mother. Or someone totally vulnerable and very easily broken. You’d not say anything? Let it go, it’s just a cracked skull, right? Of course you wouldn’t. Just because it’s emotive that the child supposedly had autism. And all we’ve got as evidence to this is a rude and aggressive mother who doesn’t read her child’s cues and doesn’t care even if they do hurt a baby.

Isnt*

Everyone keeps saying that the child didn’t understand. Ok fine, accepted. But the mother did and didn’t apologise

It's already been explained why the mother wouldn't necessarily have apologised.

Because she’s an arsehole?

all we’ve got as evidence to this is a rude and aggressive mother who doesn’t read her child’s cues and doesn’t care even if they do hurt a baby.

We have zero evidence on anything.

Why should an 8 month old baby pick up the slack because an adult has no manners or ability to judge when her child might start thumping babies.

Well we do have evidence she doesn’t care about OPs baby because she didn’t do anything. Ask if baby is ok? Remove child before she got to thumping stage? Apologise?

Because she’s an arsehole?

Because she may not have had chance to apologise before the OP "went a bit nuts" and the situation escalated. Because when dealing with an autistic child Inna state of agitation her priority will have been removing her child from that situation. Because apologising could trigger the child further, ditto disciplining the child there and then.

This is all in the thread and has been explained multiple times by many people.

Well we do have evidence she doesn’t care about OPs baby because she didn’t do anything. Ask if baby is ok? Remove child before she got to thumping stage? Apologise?

We have zero evidence that the mother had reason to suspect her DD would hit anyone, there is nothing to say whether this is the first time or the hundredth time. Children, including NT children, can sometimes act in unpredictable ways but there doesn't ever seen to an expectation that parents of NT children will have psychic insight into what their children will do next, this expectation seems to be reserved solely for parents of children with SN who "should have known" in advance what their child was about to do.

As if her priority was removing the child. The priority moment for that was the cue before she was going to start being violent.

I didn’t say she should discipline either.

I said a considerate non arsehole person would show some care and concern towards a baby that has been hurt as a result of your child’s actions. Potientially badly if it’s on the head.

She shouted at OP also, how’s that working out for keeping a calm and serene atmosphere for the autistic child...

If it’s the first time, you say sorry.
If it’s the 1000th time, you say sorry.

The priority moment for that was the cue before she was going to start being violent.

What was the cue that she was about to be violent? She had her back to the baby and saying "naughty baby" means absolutely nothing when she wasn't even looking at the baby.

She shouted at OP also, how’s that working out for keeping a calm and serene atmosphere for the autistic child...

OP "went a bits nuts", the other mother rose to it.

Why are you being so argumentive about it when this has all already been discussed and explained?

Read the full thread.

The priority moment for that was the cue before she was going to start being violent.

And what is your knowledge in these cues?

@Sissy79 do you have any knowledge or experience of autism?

I’m not being argumentative, I just see a lot apologists and reaching for an excuse for a person who lets her child hurt a baby and then shouts at the mother instead of showing any concern.

Is this fictitious mother in your scenario deaf now too then?

Regardless of what has happened before, regardless of what she knew and didn’t, she did actually know a baby was hurt and didn’t say sorry, or even ask if the baby was ok.

The autism is a red herring here. The issue is not giving two shits that a small baby was hurt. The issue is the mother, not the child.

We don’t have evidence for anything.

For all we know this whole story was made up by the OP, or it’s a grossly exaggerated or one sided version of the truth. We only have one side of the story and no idea what was going on with the autistic child or her mother and no evidence as to whether OP’s own behaviour was reasonable.

There may well be another side to this story from the autistic child’s mother - ‘I was recently in the queue for the toilet with my 5yo autistic daughter. There was a lady stood behind us with a baby who was screaming and crying. The mother kept edging forward in the queue moving into our personal space and not leaving any space between my DD and I. She made no attempts to pacify the baby or to pick it up and comfort the baby. My daughter was saying ‘naughty baby’ but the mother still made no attempt to move the pram out of our space or comfort the baby. My daughter suddenly lashed out and hit the baby. She has never been violent before. I took DDs hand and stopped her from hitting the baby again, I was mortified but had to remain calm in front of DD as the word ‘no’ or raised voices are a huge trigger to her. Before I could calm DD enough to apologise to the mother the woman went nuts and told me to control my child. This shouting increased my DDs anxiety and I snapped at the woman that my DD has autism and then had to quickly drag DD out of there before the inevitable meltdown. The meltdown happened on the way back to the car, DD wet herself and I realised we can’t even use the toilets when out without causing a scene. AIBU to feel like I can never take my disabled child out in public again?’

Not saying that’s what happened as I wasn’t there, but there’s no ‘evidence’ to prove anything in OPs version of events and the mother of the autistic child will have her own side of the story too and is guess the reason she didn’t get a chance to apologise is more complex than her just being rude or a bad parent as people are suggesting on here.

The autism is a red herring here. The issue is not giving two shits that a small baby was hurt. The issue is the mother, not the child.

Sure it is.

You've read precisely none of the thread then other than the OP.