Random child hit my baby

[bluehatbaby]

Name changed. Don't usually post this kind of thing. Really angry. I was waiting in the queue at shopping centre toilets. My 8 month old son was crying and I was (still am) super stressed out as was bursting for a wee and had hysterical child to contend with. Woman stood next to me with child I would say was about 5. She kept saying 'naughty baby naughty baby' - I ignored. Thought she was quite cute. She then turned and smacked my son on the top of his head, hard, at which point he screamed the fucking place down. The woman grabbed her daughter's arm and said nothing to her. I in all fairness went a bit nuts and told her to control her child. She snapped at me 'she's fucking autistic you stupid cow' and dragged her daughter by her hood out of the toilets.

I literally don't know how to feel about it. Pissed off. Ds has now cried himself to sleep and has a red mark on his head.

AIBU to ask mn for some words of wisdom as I'm not very calm and just want to cry.

Agreed 1Does. My son with autism was treated awfully at school and far more likely to be on the receiving end of unkind behaviour than the instigator of it. Seems on this thread though that parents of children with autism are held to higher standards than parents of run of the mill NT bullies.

One thing this thread has given me though is gratitude that I have the resources to home educate him, especially given some of the comments from adults apparently working with autistic kids. I feel sorry for families who don't have that option.

@JanMeyer my sister is 10 years younger than me and I don't see her much. I moved out when I was 17 and she was 7. She was diagnosed with Aspergers 2 years ago and my mum made that comment to me within the last 6 months. Not everyone who has a form of autism is diagnosed as a child.

Having traits of autism does not place a person on the spectrum. If they don't meet the diagnostic criteria for autism how can they be on the autism spectrum?

This with bells on.

Right now I have several traits of pregnancy. My lower back is aching, I'm ravenously hungry but also feel a little bit sickly, I'm tired, and I'm feeling a little bit bloated. I am not pregnant though and could not claim to be "a little bit pregnant" or "on the pregnancy spectrum" and if I described my symptoms as "I have some traits of pregnancy" I'd quite rightly get a

@JanMeyer I've always been irritable around loud noises, to the point that I want to be sick. I am not very good in social situations. I need a strict schedule, everything I do for the day is written down and the times I do it. There are a lot of things. But I'm sorry for the lack of understanding re ASD. And my mum clearly doesn't understand the ins and outs either judging by her comment. I am going to learn about it and make an effort to understand it more.

Right now I have several traits of pregnancy. My lower back is aching, I'm ravenously hungry but also feel a little bit sickly, I'm tired, and I'm feeling a little bit bloated. I am not pregnant though and could not claim to be "a little bit pregnant" or "on the pregnancy spectrum" and if I described my symptoms as "I have some traits of pregnancy" I'd quite rightly get a hmm

This is a brilliant analogy. I’m going to remember it.

Seems on this thread though that parents of children with autism are held to higher standards than parents of run of the mill NT bullies.

We're expected to be superhuman and to be constantly apologetic for our child.

Look at the language used when an autistic child behaves in what is perceived to be a negative way. The mother should have known it would happen, she should have been more aware, she should have been mortified, she should have disciplined the child there and then, she should know her child's triggers, she should know her child may act unexpectedly and be on constant alert, and so on and so on.

When an autistic child is just quietly existing we are saints, we're superhero parents, they don't know how we do it, they could never do what we do, we're an inspiration, we're amazing, so self-sacrificing and never a word of complaint, we're au-some, hooray for us!

The mother should have known it would happen, she should have been more aware, she should have been mortified, she should have disciplined the child there and then, she should know her child's triggers, she should know her child may act unexpectedly and be on constant alert, and so on and so on.

Yes and not only should she have behaved in this way, the fact that she didn't shows that the child obviously doesn't have autism, such is the expectation on parents of autistic kids!

I wonder at what point after having a child with autism their parents cease to be individuals with their own limitations, personality, strengths and weaknesses just like any other parent.

GlitchStitch I'm glad that you had the resources to HE, my youngest didn't have that option because I didn't have the support needed to make it successful, he ended up travelling to a specialist school on the opposite side of the County on a daily basis. I will be forever grateful for all that the school did for him and for making him believe in himself. Instead of having a child who wished he was dead I have an adult who wishes to live life to the full and who fully understands and accepts his limitations.

I'm pleased your son found such a good school 1Does. My son should be starting high school in September, the thought of sending him to one makes me feel physically sick tbh. We have a couple of good specialist schools in my city but also a LA who likes to say no to most requests for EHCPs and I don't think I have it in me to fight at the moment. At least he's safe and happy though is what I tell myself, even if he isn't getting the schooling to which he is legally entitled.

When an autistic child is just quietly existing we are saints, we're superhero parents, they don't know how we do it, they could never do what we do, we're an inspiration, we're amazing, so self-sacrificing and never a word of complaint, we're au-some, hooray for us!

Many people do not realise the amount of prep work and reassurance it can take for my autistic dcs to just "quietly exist" while we're out in public. I am constantly scanning around us, alert to anything that might be a trigger, while closely monitoring both my preteens to make sure they are okay. It's an ongoing juggling act that I do every day. If that means quietly talking my dc down when needed or putting myself between one of them and a trigger (such as a crying baby), then that's what I do. I have had my share of days where I have had two dcs in meltdown at the same time, and the only thing I could do was sit on the floor with them and focus on helping them get through the meltdown and calm down. It is not easy to "move" a preteen in the midst of a meltdown.

I will also point out that people seem to be much less tolerant of autistic behaviour as children get older than when the autistic child is around 4-5yo. Autism doesn't just disappear as they get older - they may get better at coping, better at masking, and/or more careful about avoiding situations that trigger them - but the autism is still there when they are adults. I have had people say "oh, well at least they'll grow out of it."

I wouldn't have known or cared if she had special needs. Like most mothers, I'm hard-wired to protect my young.

Another horrible horrible comment

Yes we are ‘wired’ To protect our young, but thankfully for most of us that extends to ALL ‘young’, not just the ones you have legal responsibility for.

How can you simply just ‘not care’ that a small child has something that causes her to be affected by something and that she is only little so will struggle so much more than an NT child to self regulate her behaviour?

You’d have to be as cold as a bloody stone not to care’.

This thread is full of ignorance & stupidity.

I hope that the little girls mother was just having a bad day and is generally a better mother to her DD than she displayed yesterday, seemingly ignoring her distress & then dragging her out by her hood etc isn’t what the poor wee thing needs I hope her mum explained that she cNt but babies even if their crying is very annoying, but I hope she didn’t tell her off.

As for the poster who said something about the OP being fortunate she wouldn’t have to deal with a child with autism, what a stupid comment! The OP’s DS is only 8 months he might have autism or any number of other things not to mention any one of us (& our children) are one accident away from a disability physical or mental. My godson was 14 when his NT life was ripped from
him in a car accident and he now has brain damage and he will never be able to live independently.

OP I’m sirry to hear DS wasn’t well as s newborn & you still have worries about his health obviously I hope the issues get resolved🌷 and I hope you can get some help with your social anxiety. You didn’t do anything wrong yesterday and whilst this thread has had some horrible posts that’s not your doing at all! Take care ☕️🍰

I haven't read the full thread, but I'm astonished anyone is criticising the OP for "going nuts"! You did nothing wrong, OP. Anyone with a hint of maternal instinct would react the same way. And there are too many parents out there who don't tell their children off when they misbehave.

Oh dear another one.

No I don't tell off my 14 year old with the understanding of a baby just to appease NT parents.

I reported this thread last night because, imo, it's disgusting (and the email I go to back showed I wasn't the only one). Some of you should be ashamed at the way you are talking about children. I don't have a child with autism yet this thread has almost made me cry and DH keeps asking what's wrong as I frequently do a sharp intake of breath at what I'm reading.

I would say I'm surprised it's still here, but I'm not anymore, however Every Child Matters has gone right out of the window hasn't it?

But Sockwomble, how the hell was the OP supposed to know that the child was autistic? The other mother had absolutely no right to call her a stupid cow.

CherryPavlova could you explain this statement further? "Having lived with literally hundreds of autistic children"
"Lived with" is an unusual term. Clearly not a teacher or you would say that. How can you have lived with so many autistic children and what experience does it give you to make the pronouncements you have made? I'm genuinely interested as you seem to have so much experience of so many matters mentioned in so many threads.

Back to thread, my first thought upon reading was that of course the other mother should have apologised. But after reading the posts where people mention other "disabilities" (no offence meant with this term) I have rethought this.

I have epilepsy. If I had a seizure in a queue and hit someone (as I am unable to control myself) I think whoever (probably my DH) was with me, they would be more concerned for me and dealing with me, than initially apologising to the person I hit. This sounds awful I know, but if you put yourself in this position it may be understandable?

I would like to think my DH would then apologise to the person I hit (especially a child ), but if someone had had a go at him before he had finished dealing with me, he may well have snapped "she has fucking epilepsy" in stress and worry. Then he may well hastily remove me to a more safe place, which also may look like an OTT reaction/dragging out if you didn't know anything about epilepsy.

I do think it's understandable if you imagine this scenario. I also thought this initially -The hitting/loss of control in my case is physical whereas a hitting in a meltdown is "mental". On further reflection however, my epilepsy originates in my brain, as does a meltdown? (Hope this is correct, happy to be educated further?) so maybe the two situations are fairly equitable?

I think if I had posted this scenario from the point of view of hitting someone via loss of control from a seizure and my DH snapping "she has fucking epilepsy" the replies would have been mainly sympathetic to me? (Could be wrong, especially in AIBU )

Sometimes it's hard to really imagine situations from opposing points of view but I think it is worthwhile rather than rushing to judgement as a knee jerk reaction as though a situation doesn't involve (literally) a "special need".

Also, like autism, different seizures aren't always apparent as what they are (clumsy wording sorry). So I wouldn't expect someone to automatically assume I had a disability, I could understand them thinking "god that woman is ignorant, she hit someone because they were annoying her".

Just like in this case, the underlying cause isn't obvious until it's explained, and people can be very stressed at this point and not always explain calmly and politely.

The mother should have intervened when her child was pestering the ops baby not scream like a banshee afterwards. I would have been furious if anyone hit my baby and I wouldn't care what their reason was. If she was autistic then her mother should have stepped in way sooner. She was in the wrong. She probably reacted that way because she felt embarrassed at her lack of parenting.

Valanice1989 I haven't said she was supposed to know.

@ChippingInLowCarbing
Bit of an over reaction don’t you think?
It’s not hypocritical to say prior to having experience of autism myself I did not educate myself on it. I just understand that people have no need to usually unless it’s something that effects their lives. Even now, there are many disabilities that I have little understanding of, as I’m sure you do yourself. If anything it just highlights the need for the government to step in and make disability education mandatory in schools in order for equality to be had by all.

We can not have equality whilst ignorance is the mainstream default.

I’m not sure why my post struck a chord with you.

The mother should have intervened when her child was pestering the ops baby not scream like a banshee afterwards

The 5yo wasn't pestering the baby, from what is written in the OP she was saying "naughty baby" but actually had her back to the OP and the baby so where was the pestering?

She kept saying 'naughty baby naughty baby' - I ignored. Thought she was quite cute. She then turned and smacked my son on the top of his head

And how was the mother supposed to predict how the 5yo was going to react? As explained many times, we are not superhuman, we're vigilant but we are also fallible and things do sometimes slip through the net.

The mother grabbed the 5yo's arm, probably to prevent her going for a second hit. She didn't say anything to the child but the reasons for this have been explained byany of us on this thread. This is when the OP went "a bit nuts" and told the woman to control her child. Woman may have been about to apologise or may not have been, we don't have her side of it to know what was going through her head at this point but when faced with someone "going a bit nuts" she also went a bit nuts and snapped back at the OP.

She probably reacted that way because she felt embarrassed at her lack of parenting.

And as also explained multiple times throughout the thread, what works for NT children does not always work for autistic children so what people may be perceive as lack of parenting (no immediate correction or discipling, removing child from situation rather than showing child the consequences of their actions) is actually adaptive parenting (first priority is to calm child down, remove from stressful situation and help them to regulate before discussing their actions and dealing with any consequences).

PinkGin

ChippingInLowCarbing
Bit of an over reaction don’t you think?
It’s not hypocritical to say prior to having experience of autism myself I did not educate myself on it. I just understand that people have no need to usually unless it’s something that effects their lives.

Except that’s not what you said!

You said Before having my DS I would have been so ‘wtf there is no excuse’ about this, but that’s so far from their reality OP. I really wish people would educate themselves better on this subject

Entirely different

Sorry OP but from your OP is sounds like you exacerbated the situation, for all your back tracking you said you went a bit nuts and told her to control her child. She isn't psychic either and didn't know her child was about to whack yours- by your own account the child was initially comign across as 'cute'.. By your own account she grabbed the child's arm to stop her once she did hit. You did not limit your confrontation to her lack of apology, even though you are now pretending that is all that bothered you. You attacked her for 'not controllign her child' . It is probably harder for her than most to get her child to 100% of the time conform to socially acceptable behaviour (and most of us can't achieve this with NT children). SHe is probably acutely aware of the condemnation she faces on a possibly daily basis for having an 'out of control' child. That's the hard thing about invisible disabilities.