Random child hit my baby

[bluehatbaby]

Name changed. Don't usually post this kind of thing. Really angry. I was waiting in the queue at shopping centre toilets. My 8 month old son was crying and I was (still am) super stressed out as was bursting for a wee and had hysterical child to contend with. Woman stood next to me with child I would say was about 5. She kept saying 'naughty baby naughty baby' - I ignored. Thought she was quite cute. She then turned and smacked my son on the top of his head, hard, at which point he screamed the fucking place down. The woman grabbed her daughter's arm and said nothing to her. I in all fairness went a bit nuts and told her to control her child. She snapped at me 'she's fucking autistic you stupid cow' and dragged her daughter by her hood out of the toilets.

I literally don't know how to feel about it. Pissed off. Ds has now cried himself to sleep and has a red mark on his head.

AIBU to ask mn for some words of wisdom as I'm not very calm and just want to cry.

@Progged22 - most real parents of violent autistic kids would never take their kids to soft plays or put them in situations they would hurt other kids. And if they did they would apologise because their kids hurting others is their worst nightmare. It’s only on MN that you find ‘autistic parents’ who find excuses for this type of behaviour.

THEY don’t need to APOLOGISE every minute of the day to Everyone about everything . They DEAL with ENOUGH without having to do THAT too.

Hitting a baby on the head is something that requires an apology no matter the circumstances. No one is suggesting they need to apologise everyone every minute of the day. Unless of course the child is hitting babies and other children every minute of every day. In which case the parent needs to sort that as a matter or urgency because (as we've seen with some vile posts on this thread that have now been deleted) you can never be sure what the receiving child/parent's reaction will be and you don't want to add potentially volatile and violent reactions to the list of things to deal with.

I’m
Not a parent of an autistic child.

But I do consider there to be huge inequalities in the way society views and judges autism in comparison to other disabilities .

This thread only proves what I already know .

The fact that the majority of people on mumsnet would EXPECT someone who has a disability (they can’t control ) to APOLOGISE for it , to me , is an absolute disgrace . And proves how much work needs to be done to help parents and carers with autism and other similar conditions

Sorry guys signing out.

"most real parents of violent autistic kids would never take their kids to soft plays or put them in situations they would hurt other kids"

Yes they keep them all locked away somewhere so they won't come anywhere near the nice normals.

Oh, for heaven's sake. I'll be the first to admit that while I would try to apologise, my main focus in that situation would be getting my dc away from the baby and get him to a place where he can calm down.

It's not easy to move a 5yo in meltdown, especially when there are people around you. My dcs are 9yo and 12yo. When one dc goes into meltdown, it often triggers the other dc. My 12yo is a runner, and when he gets panicked or upset, he bolts. Try moving a 9yo who is screaming, hitting and kicking, while making sure a hysterical 12yo doesn't run off, and see whether or not you remember to apologise.

In which case the parent needs to sort that as a matter or urgency because (as we've seen with some vile posts on this thread that have now been deleted) you can never be sure what the receiving child/parent's reaction will be and you don't want to add potentially volatile and violent reactions to the list of things to deal with.
And of course, because its simply unacceptable to be consistently violent in public, reardless of reasons because..the kids on the recieving end of it stand chance to get really hurt and its not right for them to be constantly on alert as someone might hit them.

Of course, you knew that already and it kind of goes without saying, however a fair few posts on this thread seem to be only focused on the reactions given to violence, rather than..the actual violence itself. While the violence certainly is not the childs fault, neither should it just be accepted that its going to happen. Adults involved should do all possible to stop it, and if it does happen, not bloody snap at the parent of the child who has been hurt, then potentially be violent to your own kid by dragging them off by the hood.

My daughter went through a phase of biting, and nothing seemed to stop it. It was kind of random too, so I didn't get the usual cues of behaviour. Until that phase was over, I did not take her to soft plays and stuff. Because basically, while she could not help doing it, other kids did not deserve to be bitten for no reason either. Because I actually think of others, rather than expecting them to accept stuff like that.

I expect most parents of SEN children are the same and do consider others and will apologise if violent behaviour does occur, and not this kind that expect everyone to allow/expect such behavious else cry discrimination and 'understanding is needed!' that seem to be prevalant on MN.

most real parents of violent autistic kids would never take their kids to soft plays or put them in situations they would hurt other kids. And if they did they would apologise because their kids hurting others is their worst nightmare. It’s only on MN that you find ‘autistic parents’ who find excuses for this type of behaviour.

A lot of “real” parents of autistic kids also have NT kids, are they not entitled to go out anywhere, even if we agree (which I don’t) that autistic kids should be locked away?

*autism too, stupid bloody phone.

I totally agree with avoiding soft play etc if it triggers a reaction in your child. But this was shopping and going to the loo. Most people need to do those at some point, autistic children or not

I find this thread very disheartening.
I won't comment on the original post itself as I think there's more to the story than what the OP admits. But the reactions on this thread?
I have a child with autism. He does not like to go out in public places. God knows I don't particularly like to take him out. But you know what? Sometimes we just have to; or sometimes we even want to (if it's somewhere he enjoys). And apart from strapping him into a straitjacket there's no way I can 'control him' as so helpfully suggested by many PPs. I try my best to keep him calm and to hold his hand, but even so he can be unpredictable at times. He has very little understanding of how to behave 'normally' or what's appropriate. I'm hoping it will get better with time (he's 5), and of course we speak about it and I try to teach him, but what do you guys expect me to do? Keep him locked away until he learns all the rules?
Honestly it's such a struggle to just leave the house and do whatever we had planned, I worry enough about how he is perceived as it is (we get plenty of dirty looks). Until you've been in this position yourself, please don't judge.

Tallgreenbottle perhaps people should stop talking about severely disabled children as though they are animals.

SansaClegane

Sounds hard, and quite similar to my own experience also.

However, woukd you apologize if your son hit a baby on the head for crying, or would you swear at the other parent and drag him off by the hood? I expect most decent parents will answer that the same way.

I agree Sockwomble.

Fucking hell.

Saying if your child is prone to violence, its probably not a good idea to have them around many small children is hardly talking about kids as if they are animals.

In the last few posts there has been "violent autistic kids" and "violent attacks from their offspring".

Batshite
Yes I would apologise. But I do feel the OP has misrepresented the scenario and there's a large chunk missing.
I also think, when you only have a baby, it's very hard to guess the age of older children and the girl in the story might well have been much younger. Not that it's an excuse but it would put the whole 'violence, violence!' Screams into perspective a bit as even neurotypical 2-3 year olds still struggle with the concept of not hitting.

Still not getting how thats talking about them like animals. Though possibly, I am less sensitive to specific language than others or something. I can obviously only speak for myself and my experiences with my severley autistic daughter. But, people discussing how triggers should be avoided and how its not really acceptable for parents to just let their kids run wild because autism..I do not take as insulting towards my child. Basically, because I am not one of those parents so would not take offense when its not meant about me.

Again, others may read stuff differently, thats up to them. Leaving now I think as can see how this will go. But yeah, final word, I find the way some think that parents of SEN kids should be able to do whatever they want and fuck consequences for others, to be quite horrible. Despite having a child with SEN myself.

Soft play probably isn't a good place for a child that gets overwhelmed, gets distressed and lashes out. See no need to talk about "violent attacks."

I wholeheartedly promise that I did not shout at the mother of the little girl. I suffer from social anxiety and an inability to shout/confront. I'm medicated for it. That might be why I interpreted my reaction to be worse than it was. I genuinely believe I reacted far better than most would have. It took a lot for me to say anything to her.

I didn't want to upset her, and I'm hindsight I wish I'd not have said anything at all as I worry now about the consequences for the little girl.

Sorry to even have started this thread. It's not very nice. It's not what I intended.

And of course, because its simply unacceptable to be consistently violent in public, reardless of reasons because..the kids on the recieving end of it stand chance to get really hurt and its not right for them to be constantly on alert as someone might hit them.

This goes without saying of course and I posted before that the OP was absolutely justified in going 'a bit nuts' after her baby had been attacked. I was just pointing out that it's also in the Autistic child's best interest for their parent to deal with these situations appropriately.

most real parents of violent autistic kids would never take their kids to soft plays or put them in situations they would hurt other kids.

What a ridiculous thing to say. My 4yo DS is disabled - not autism but he can be aggressive when he’s in meltdown and has a lot of challenging behaviour. I still take him out, even to places like soft play where there are other children. He loves a ball pool. I’m thankful he’s never hurt a strangers child (although he has unfortunately hurt his siblings), however although I try to be a step ahead of him at all times we have had occasions where he’s run off the slide to a person eating crisps and grabbed a handful and one mortifying occasion where he ran to a table and tipped a full pint of beer over himself (the softplay was attached to a pub). He is like a moth to a flame when it comes to food/ drink and much as I try to be a step ahead of him sometimes he sees things before me (despite being legally registered partially sighted!!!!) and I can’t stop him. Perhaps it is lucky for me that DS often stands out from other children his age and so most people recognise his disability and are very forgiving. I have been in many mortifying situations with him but I imagine it would be even worse if he initially presented as ‘typical’ and I had to explain myself.

OP as an autism mum myself I don’t think you did anything wrong x

@nomushrooms since all autistic children are different the fact that you have never seen one lash out without some sort of a warning sign is meaningless, both of mine have previously done so many times, one time I ended up with broken bones purely because one went through a doorway before the other, there was no warning sign, no apparent reason at that time and no understanding of why the lashing out was wrong. My child was 6 years old with the social and emotional skills of a 3 year old.

Every time either one of mine lashed out I would apologise, feel mortified and head for home asap.

OP glad to hear your ds is ok.

OP you sound very sympathetic and understanding.

I would tell you not to worry about it anymore and put it behind you but as someone who also suffers from social anxiety, I'm sure it's going to play over and over in your head all night. I have no doubt this thread isn't helping either! :o

You're not to blame for some of the attitudes here.