Random child hit my baby

[bluehatbaby]

Name changed. Don't usually post this kind of thing. Really angry. I was waiting in the queue at shopping centre toilets. My 8 month old son was crying and I was (still am) super stressed out as was bursting for a wee and had hysterical child to contend with. Woman stood next to me with child I would say was about 5. She kept saying 'naughty baby naughty baby' - I ignored. Thought she was quite cute. She then turned and smacked my son on the top of his head, hard, at which point he screamed the fucking place down. The woman grabbed her daughter's arm and said nothing to her. I in all fairness went a bit nuts and told her to control her child. She snapped at me 'she's fucking autistic you stupid cow' and dragged her daughter by her hood out of the toilets.

I literally don't know how to feel about it. Pissed off. Ds has now cried himself to sleep and has a red mark on his head.

AIBU to ask mn for some words of wisdom as I'm not very calm and just want to cry.

No one has said hitting is acceptable because a child has ASD though have they?

What people have perhaps said it’s not an indicator of simply being badly behaved but rather a response to a situation the autistic person finds hard to cope with.

Of course you need to tell autistic children that it’s wrong to hit and they mustn’t do it but it’s not the same as telling off a child who’s being purposely naughty.

@Mrsmiggins37 absolutely second this

‘Oh why didn’t she APOLOGISE .’

I doubt many of you KNOW what level of anxiety a parent of a child with AUTISM and othe learning difficulties goes through , doing a simple task like going shopping .

These parents are often TERRIFIED and ANXIOUS when going out with their child , worrying about their child’s behaviour etc .

I would never ask a parent with a child with AUTISM to APOLOGISE when little or no harm had been done .

These parents have A LOT to DEAL with .

THEY don’t need to APOLOGISE every minute of the day to Everyone about everything . They DEAL with ENOUGH without having to do THAT too .

We need to be MORE understanding . And help them feel normal and able to get through everyday life like the rest of us .

It's pretty stressful for the autistic person too

MAYBE we don’t need to feel VINDICATED by seeing the parent tell the child off as a part of our own EMOTIONAL response

Maybe we all need to GROW UP and realise that the parent has stopped the child from doing this , is probably not wanting to make a scene with the child , and will discipline the child in an appropriate manner when they , the PARENT deems it appropriate to do so .

Hear hear @Progged22

I never thought I’d have to deal with an autistic child. Until of course I did.

As a parent of two autistic dcs, I would

1- try to say sorry, but my main focus would be on calming my child enough to remove him to a quiet area

2- not likely say that he was autistic as that is currently one of my younger child's triggers (as is crying babies).

3- wait until he was calm and removed to another area to discuss the situation with my child. I would not be telling him off in front of you - it would be pointless as a child in meltdown is not going to process that info.

We have had situations where other people (strangers) have told my dc off while I was still trying to calm them and it never fails to push my dc into a full-on meltdown.

Please remember that just because a parent is not telling off a child in front of you, that does not mean they are not going to deal with it. They are most likely going to do that when the child is calm and able to listen and learn better.

I would never ask a parent with a child with AUTISM to APOLOGISE when little or no harm had been done

You would not expect a parent to apologise when a young baby had been hit in the head on purpose by a child?

My daughter is autistic, and I think you are talking utter rot. I would always apologise for something like that, and yes, I am panicky and anxious even setting foot outside sometimes, but that dies not mean I have no manners and do not care at all what my child does to others or that I should expect my child to be able to behave however she wants and noone ever complain, even if their shild is hurt in the process. Thats a wrong mindset IMO. Totally wrong and does allow lazy parenting.

Also all of this 'I was suicidal when told off' stuff doesn't really matter in here, given its the mother who should have apologised, not the child. I don't think anyone has blamed the child (besides one troll earlier that may or may not have been deleted) given the SEN has been made apparent.

Honestly, it does seem some on here expect parents of autistic kids to be able to do literally anything they want, without anyone ever saying anything because 'hard life'. As a parent of an autistic 5 year old myself, I think thats a terrible attitude, and most unnnecessary too. Surely most of us do not expect a free pass because our children are a bit different. A bit of understanding, yes, but it seems noone should EVER say anything to parents of kids who are not NT. Even when theres violence and injuries involves for gods sake.. Always always excuses made and stuff for why the parents ignored it totally, or did not apologize, or even give a 'sorry' type look to the other parent with the screaming injured child.

Rant over, just something thats been getting at me a while tbh

@InTheHeatofLisbon quite

I would never ask a parent with a child with AUTISM to APOLOGISE when little or no harm had been done the child hit a baby on the head fgs.

There's no doubt that there have been some shockingly discriminative and ignorant posts on this thread and as a mother of a child with suspected autism that makes me uneasy and sad. But I just can't stand behind condoning the mother not apologising. What her child did could have really hurt the baby and it definitely upset the OP. It's just not OK not to apologise for this.

I really feel for the little girl in this situation and I understand that it must have been an incredibly shit situation for the mother but she should have said sorry.

Ok batshite

You keep apologising if that’s what you want to do. But I WOULD say that I WOULD NOT EXPECT you to apologise on behalf of your child ALL THE TIME.

If YOU want set that STANDARD for yourself that Is FINE.

BUT I DO NOT BELIEVE that this is a STaNDARD ALL parents of children with AUTISM or similar problems should be setting for themselves .

A balance needs to be drawn .

In the same way I wouldn’t EXPECT a BLIND PERSON to apologise every time they bumped into me , or Get ANNOYED because they DIDN'T apologise .

THEY don’t need to APOLOGISE every minute of the day to Everyone about everything . They DEAL with ENOUGH without having to do THAT too .

I understand what you are getting at here. I used to walk around apologising constantly for DS's stimming being too loud/distracting but I refuse to now.

However, in this situation, I would have absolutely said how sorry I was. My son's needs are the most important thing to me but a little baby got hurt.

How can I expect people to show compassion and understanding for me and my children if I can't show it to a mother who is rightful upset that her baby was hit by someone much bigger than him?

@progged22

There is a big difference between bumping into someone and hitting a baby on the head. The mum should have apologised under that circumstance. It isn't acceptable autism or not.

@BatShite
Well said. I hope my posts haven't given you that impression about me. I would definitely apologise profusely and tell my child off for unacceptable behaviour and I would expect other parents to do the same.

@progged22 nobody is saying that a parent of an autistic child needs to apologise for them ALL THE TIME. But when your kid hits a baby on the head you kinda do

'Seriously, is that what the mother wants.... Everyone to label her own child as 'f'ing autistic' and immediately notice her! The mother should have kept her under control and apologized'

You do realise this is a little girl you're talking about? A human being. Not a dog.

What I’m saying is that we need to be more understanding if they/ the parent DONT apologise .

As per my example above , how can we be more understanding of autism as a society if we expect parents to apologise everytime their autism child does something they shouldn’t ...

When if , I’m my example , a blind person was to walk into me or my child , they equally as helpless or unable to control the situation , rather than making them APOLOGISE, we as a society are more likely to be SYMPATHETIC.

Why does AUTISM have to be different?

Attitudes need to change .

I stand by my view .

The woman grabbed her daughter's arm and said nothing to her. I in all fairness went a bit nuts and told her to control her child. She snapped at me 'she's fucking autistic you stupid cow' and dragged her daughter by her hood out of the toilets.

This is one of those situations where I'm absolutely sure that hearing the other woman's side would make all the difference.

The OP says she 'went nuts' and then goes on to say she didn't even raise her voice, when questioned about 'going nuts'.

I can't imagine the mother of an 8 month old baby whose just been hit on the head deliberately, (remember at this point she didn't know the other child was autistic) Saying calmly and quietly "Control your child".

I'd bet every penny I have that the OP did raise her voice in (understandable) worry and anger at that point.

And that in turn is probably why the woman retorted "she's fucking autistic you stupid cow".

I can see both sides of this but only because I don't truly believe the OP's reaction was as calm as she's saying here.

I can't help but feel sorry for everyone concerned. It's not easy when these things happen no matter which parent you are in the scenario.

I doubt the OPs reaction to a child hitting her baby would of been calm tbh Mine definitely wouldn't of.

rather than making them APOLOGISE, we as a society are more likely to be SYMPATHETIC.

One of my mothers best mates is blind. If they accidentally walk into people (which is rare these days, but sometimes hit them with their stick) they absolutely do apologise each time, despite them not being able to help it. Noone MAKES them apologise. Just, its what people should do so, polite people do it. You cannot make someone apologise anyway, but expectation is there, for most people, if somehthing is done thats an inconveniece.

Hell I apologise to people when they bump into me sometimes Its an annoying habit really, but its just..what people do.

Not apologising when my child hit a baby on the head just sounds awful to me, and the 'she's fucking autistic you stupid cow' and dragging her daughter by the hood makes it all even worse. Thats not a usual way to speak, especially infront of children, in a situation where your natural reaction should be being apologetic. This woman sounda aggressive to be honest, rather than just inpolite.

But yeah, as her child is autistic, lets ignore that behaviour. Expecting people with autistic kids to have manners is just horrific.

Such a patronising attitude, to those of us who do have manners and are not aggressive people, tbh.

Exactly mumtoone, so as much as the other mother should have apologised, perhaps she felt she didn't have a chance and just needed to get her child out of there quickly.

It doesn’t matter if the child was autistic it’s mother still put another child in a dangerous position but letting it get into the position to hit in the first place. If this were my baby I would have said a whole lot worse directly to the parent.

There are good parents and there are bad parents. The same is true for parents of autistic kids, they obviously have more to deal with and no one is saying it's easy but they can still be either good parents or shite parents.

To be clear, I’d have certainly apologised.

Lol.

Gosh .

I can see the government and charities have a lot of work to do in helping society understand the daily challenges parents and carers of autism face and be more understanding and sympathetic if that .

Rather than seeking an apologies from parents who clearly are already extremely stressed by their daily struggle getting through everyday with a child with autism .

It’s no wonder autism is such a hot topic in the healthcare profession at the moment .

The attitudes are diabolical .

Good night .

All very passionate and good to get the conversation going .

Hoping all involved were and are fine .