Random child hit my baby

[bluehatbaby]

Name changed. Don't usually post this kind of thing. Really angry. I was waiting in the queue at shopping centre toilets. My 8 month old son was crying and I was (still am) super stressed out as was bursting for a wee and had hysterical child to contend with. Woman stood next to me with child I would say was about 5. She kept saying 'naughty baby naughty baby' - I ignored. Thought she was quite cute. She then turned and smacked my son on the top of his head, hard, at which point he screamed the fucking place down. The woman grabbed her daughter's arm and said nothing to her. I in all fairness went a bit nuts and told her to control her child. She snapped at me 'she's fucking autistic you stupid cow' and dragged her daughter by her hood out of the toilets.

I literally don't know how to feel about it. Pissed off. Ds has now cried himself to sleep and has a red mark on his head.

AIBU to ask mn for some words of wisdom as I'm not very calm and just want to cry.

@wotsittoyou

Your comments on the study I referenced are incorrect and rude. The study didn’t ask every ‘Tom, Dick and Harry’ as you’ve suggested. The researchers asked professionals working with people with autism, friends and family of people with autism AND they asked people who actually have autism. In fact they asked over 500 of them. I’m surprised you didn’t realise that? I thought it was obvious 🤷🏻‍♀️

Jesus Christ, that parent! Being disabled isn’t a free pass to do what you like, hitting another child (especially a baby) is unjustifiable

OP - you sound lovely. I hope your DS is okay.

Some of the other posters here should be ashamed of themselves. It’s been an awful thread to read, particularly the comments by people who think they know about autism but clearly don’t.

I just want to say also that my sister is autistic. She's high functioning and I think suffers differently to the little girl I met today (who I do believe was autistic). My sister had Aspergers. She is incredible and has overcome some huge obstacles. She now runs her own business, has a lovely boyfriend and her own house. She works with other autistic people, but only adults. I feel bad that I've even had to start this thread.

I don't want to oversimplify, however some of the most incredible people I've met are autistic. I even think I have some traits and my mum thinks I'm on the spectrum somewhere.

I didn't want this thread to go this way. I am tired. My son is teething. He was hurt by another child and when the mother was confronted she was aggressive towards me. In hindsight I would've reacted differently but I didn't know her daughter was autistic.

I want this thread to go away now

Honestly OP you really haven’t done anything wrong. You can’t be blamed for the prejudiced shite on the thread xx

I would just hide this thread OP. Stop beating yourself up over it.

Go cuddle your baby and try to get some sleep (well as much as you can while the wee one is teething, poor sausage).

OP My DS is autistic and I work with autistic children that Does not give Her the right to hit someone the other mum should of Apologise immediately And then explain to her child that even though Your DS was being loud and it’s ok for her not to like that, it isn’t okay to hit ever and she must apologise. I hope your DS is ok. I do feel bad for the other Child as she will learn/mimic her mums behaviour and use that as a frame of reference to workout what is socially acceptable or not Also by doing that her mum had just taught her to use her autism as an excuse.

" but being autistic doesn't mean she doesn't get told off for being naughty! She needs to understand it's wrong "

Some people really have no idea 🙄

When I SEE posts with RANDOM words capitalised I KNOW they are going to be FULL of SELF righteous BULLSHIT.

The point is totally lost if you post like a patronising wanker.

"And then explain to her child that even though Your DS was being loud and it’s ok for her not to like that, it isn’t okay to hit ever and she must apologise"

As a parent of an autistic child I can tell you he wouldn't have a clue what any of those words meant.

My DS is autistic and I work with autistic children that Does not give Her the right to hit someone the other mum should of Apologise immediately And then explain to her child that even though Your DS was being loud and it’s ok for her not to like that, it isn’t okay to hit ever and she must apologise. I hope your DS is ok. I do feel bad for the other Child as she will learn/mimic her mums behaviour and use that as a frame of reference to workout what is socially acceptable or not Also by doing that her mum had just taught her to use her autism as an excuse.

You have an autistic child? Really? Given your shocking ignorance and the false assumptions you've just made I sincerely hope you don't really work with autistic children. You know nothing about this child and their autism yet you've decided they're capable of having the situation explained to them and of apologising. Also, you don't do that when a child is in the middle of falling apart, that would achieve nothing.

And your assumption that the child will mimic the situation and "learn to use her autism as an excuse" is even more absurd. Again, you have no idea of the child's abilities. And if you know anything about autism like you claim you'd know that some autistic people will never be capable of that kind of social understanding.

Depressing thing is you probably do work with autistic children, it explains a lot about the way in which autistic children are treated in the education system and the ignorance they face. I mean if a person who works with autistic children has the bright idea of lecturing a child whilst they're experiencing sensory overload what hope is there?

I even think I have some traits and my mum thinks I'm on the spectrum somewhere.

Having "some traits" doesn't mean a person is on the spectrum. And there's no such thing as being on the spectrum somewhere either, it's not like a line that runs from NT, having traits, being "mildly autistic" and high functioning to severely autistic at the other end. People who meet the triad of impairments are on the autistic spectrum, and only them.

Don’t beat yourself up OP. This was just one of those horrible situations where there are no winners, only losers. It must have been absolutely awful for your baby to be hit, but I also can’t imagine how awful and embarrassing the situation was for the other mum.

I am very sorry how awful and upsetting for you. Can I just give a different perspective though. I have two friends - friend A has an autistic child who insulted friend B in a public place. Friend B has not forgiven friend A for not telling her autistic child off at the moment the insult was made. Friend A has tried to explain that she didn't for two reasons - 1) the child was acting up because they were stressed - if she had of told the child off his behaviour would have worsened to the detriment of everyone and 2) because of his autism he would not have understood why he was being told off because the place was noisy - she felt it was important he understood so she wanted to take him to a quiet place to explain why what he said was wrong. Friend A is not happy with this and sadly the two best friends don't speak now because of it.
There is also a case that maybe this girl's mum is not coping and when she is crying her mum tells her she is being naughty and hits her.

As I started reading your post I guessed the outcome was going to be that the child has autism.
I'm guessing the other mother was also feeling as stressed as you were and your comment just broke her.
Sometimes it's not possible to 'control' a child with autism if they are overwhelmed by something such as a baby crying. And also wasn't possible for her to take her child out of the situation/walk away if she or the child needed to go to the toilet.
But she should have tried to distract her child or should have apologised straight away and that is what I would be mad about.

"There is also a case that maybe this girl's mum is not coping and when she is crying her mum tells her she is being naughty and hits her."

Children with autism do not hit because their parents hit them.

The mum ignored the big red flag - the child repeating “naughty baby” over and over, she was clearly winding herself up to the slap. Mum should have addressed the situation before her child hit out.

YY batshite - 100% agree with everything you’ve said.

The pp who said parents of autistic children shouldn’t apologise all the time seemed to be unable to grasp the basic concept that expecting someone to apologise for their child doing things an autistic person may do e.g stimming is completely different to expecting to apologise for them physically hurting another person. I find it hard to believe that anyone with an ounce of common decency does not think someone whose child has been hit deserves at least a word of apology.

On a more positive note I have learnt something today. In the past I probably would have been annoyed if a parent hadn’t told off their child if they had done something to mine but clear explanations on this thread of why it would be better to leave the situation/ explain later/ not discuss it at all have helped me understand this point so thank you.

She was only clearly winding herself to slap if she has slapped before in that situation.

I'm not convinced that parent really had an autistic child.
That parent spewed out a stream of invective to the OP before storming off in a massive strop.
She was challenged and went into road rage mode.
Nasty.

No people in the real world do not make out all the time that their child has autism when they do not.

the mum ignored the big red flag - the child repeating "naughty baby" over and over, she was clearly winding herself up to the slap. Mum should have addressed the situation before her child hit out

You clearly have no experience of echolalia. Just because the child was repeating "naughty baby" over and over doesn't automatically mean that she was clearly winding herself up to the slap

Maybe the mum was ignoring echolalia and had no reason to believe that the child would lash out.

Once again not all children with Autism will display warning signs that they are about to lash out.

I have been in the position of the autistic girls mum as I have a severely autistic girl who is now 17. She absolutely hated the sound of babies crying when she was little and would sometimes lash out at a crying baby (including her younger siblings). This is probably why the mother was saying ‘naughty baby’ to try to appease her daughter. The mother was probably getting more and more stressed in the queue, knowing her daughter was going to possibly lash out and that’s why she exploded at the OP.

Autistic children cannot be disciplined the same way that NT children can and anyone with that level of ignorance you should really educate yourselves and stop supporting ableism.

With all the above said, if my daughter had hit a baby when she was little I would absolutely have apologised to the mother on her behalf.

Sleepyblueocean see my post above. Since we don't know the child we don't know the child how do we know that the child has previously been slapped?

Echolalia; The unsolicited repeating of vocalisation made by another person.