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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my lodger's family to stay?

516 replies

Anotherbloodyname123 · 06/07/2019 15:02

Lodger announced his family (wife and two kids) are coming to visit in a few months a while ago and I'm not quite sure why I didn't think to ask immediately where they were staying. I did today as it came up and he says they're going to stay here, for two whole weeks!

(For context, he is lodging with me for a work contract, and his family live abroad)

This is a normal two bed flat and he said his family are fine to share the (double) bed and sleep on the floor.

I'm really not happy about this. He kept saying it'll be fine and the kids will be well behaved (I'm sure they will as he's very quiet and usually considerate and polite!)

He's not even really booking time off to spend with them. He said the kids and wife will stay in the flat all day Monday to Thursday as they'll be too scared to go out, and he'll go out with them on the two weekends they're here.

I said I wasn't keen but he just kept batting it back.

AIBU to not want them to stay? I'm a single woman and I DON'T want kids staying especially ones I don't know. I have a nice place and it's not child friendly. I don't have a garden.

Relevant bit of our contract is this: 'not to permit anyone else to stay in the Room, although the Licensee may allow visitors to stay overnight in the Room on an
occasional basis;'

But I also don't want to be an arsehole. He must miss them a lot!

Help.

OP posts:
whiteroseredrose · 07/07/2019 10:42

You know what, I'd probably let them stay. I'd absolutely hate it as I'm as unsociable as you can get but I feel for him. You've said that he's a good, quiet lodger so I'd make allowances.

I'd make it clear that I expected the family to be out all day at the weekend and that they need to be prepared to go out if you're WFH. The sitting room is yours and they mustn't encroach.

And I'd also make clear it's a one-off.

MsTSwift · 07/07/2019 10:54

I host foreign students so different dynamic but you need to have clear rules from the off so everyone knows where they are and be firm and direct. English wishy washy “nice” “would you mind terribly if” etc doesn’t work at all. I am not overly soppy friendly either but always polite and civil. And I don’t give an inch on my rules and boundaries. Deviation from this leads to trouble (from experience)

MsTSwift · 07/07/2019 10:55

Oh and do not let them stay. Obviously. That way disaster lies would bet my bottom dollar those suggesting you do have zero experience of having paying guests.

bluebell34567 · 07/07/2019 10:58

no.

Leobynature · 07/07/2019 11:02

OMG! It’s only 2 weeks and it’s his family. Yes it going to be hell but they will return to their country.
You could be friendly, welcoming and invite them into your home. You might learn something of make new relationships.
If the children break anything get him to replace it.

RockinHippy · 07/07/2019 11:07

Leobynature, perhaps you could invite them all to stay at your place then 🤷‍♀️

TheInvestigator · 07/07/2019 11:08

@Leobynature
Having a lodger is a financial relationship. That's it. They are not your friends and no one wants the entire family to take over their home.

Lodgers pay a lot less than people in a houseshare because they pay for the use of one room, plus access to the kitchen and ameneties. That's it. He is paying for one room. Lodgers are very different from flatmates.

This is her home. He pays to use a room. He cannot invite his family into a home which is not his and he has no right too. He only has a room. And they will cause an increase in water and power use, which has not been paid for. It is just not OK.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/07/2019 11:12

@RockinHippy the concerns you mentioned are exactly what mine would be - and yes, I saw that programme too

For context I've done over 60 holiday home exchanges, and one of its many charms is that you learn a lot about the visiting family through friendly chat beforehand. I've travelled the world this way, but suffice it to say I'd never consider anyone perceived to be in a "desperate" situation, to whom an indeterminate stay in the UK could be considered an attraction

As so many have said, OP would do well to be very, very careful here

IloveJudgeJudy · 07/07/2019 11:14

As others have said, I think it's our terribly subtle, beat around the bush way of putting things in the UK that has put you in this dilemma. You need to tell him things straight. No "would you mind not...". Just tell him, "Don't..." adding a please afterwards if it makes you feel better. I would also ensure he stays in his room if he wfh. You can't have his family staying in your place if he's not there. Good luck and I hope you get a satisfactory resolution.

Guiltypleasures001 · 07/07/2019 11:22

You could come home one day and find the locks changed on you, and he and his family and the new tenants 🤷‍♀️

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/07/2019 11:24

He cannot invite his family into a home which is not his and he has no right to

Ah, but he has ... and all this without asking OP, respecting her initial refusal or any intention to take time off work to be with them. I expect, too, that he knows perfectly well he's supposed to keep to his own room - which could be why he's given the (totally unrealistic) assurance that the family will stay in it

Like others, I wonder if he comes from a culture where men make the decisions and women do as they're told. Worth considering, perhaps, before OP finds herself in an even worse situation?

MsTSwift · 07/07/2019 11:31

Aww Leo you are such a lovely person! So adorable of you to have this family to stay for so long in your home and for free! I hope you are direct messaging the op as I type to sort out the practicalities! Hmm

RockinHippy · 07/07/2019 11:32

Awful wasn't it Puzzled, I was shocked how hard it was to get them out too.

The more I think of this, the more it makes no sense & sounds dodgy as hell. If they come to stay, I doubt very much that they will be leaving anytime soon & if your lucky, you'll become the lodger in your own home, unlucky & you'll be locked out.

I don't get why a cash strapped guy would be paying for his wife & kids to visit, especially when he's said they'll be scared to go out alone, when surely single flight, possibly even a cheap sky scanner hand luggage deal back to his home would cost a lot less. Yes he"ll loose wages, but it would still be cheaper & far easier than than bringing them here for a visit. That's why I think they may well be intending to stay.

Be very careful

Original poster
Anotherbloodyname123 · 07/07/2019 11:36

I imagine he wants to have them here to visit to see what it is like as he's mentioned he should get a change in visa so they can all move over next year. He says he has worked abroad here before as well as in other countries. He works for a massive international company.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anotherbloodyname123 · 07/07/2019 11:40

Update - typically he's been ensconced in his bedroom all morning so I haven't seen him.

I'm going out shortly.

Rather than knock I am tempted to drop him a text once out, saying, 'i was hoping to catch you this morning but I wanted to let you know asap I have thought about your family staying in xxx and have decided it is not possible. The flat is not big enough for five people and I don't want adults and children here during the day, for many reasons including the fact my insurance doesn't cover it. You will have to find a hotel or Airbnb or something. Also, please don't WFH on the fridays I have off work. See you later.'

How does that sound?

OP posts:
Original poster
Anotherbloodyname123 · 07/07/2019 11:42

I could add a bit saying 'i only let the room to you, and our contract says you may have an occasional guest with my permission'

I know I shouldn't but I feel awful Confused

OP posts:
Tallgreenbottle · 07/07/2019 11:43

Sounds perfect OP. I'd also put 'this is non negotiable' at the end.

RebootYourEngine · 07/07/2019 11:44

I have an awful feeling about this after your last post about them wanting to move here. I don't think they will leave when they get here. Are they from a country that could claim asylum in this country?

Say no and stick to it. If he still insist give him notice to leave.

RebootYourEngine · 07/07/2019 11:45

I wouldn't put the bit about insurance. Just say the house isn't big enough and as his contract he needs your permission and you are not giving him it.

TheInvestigator · 07/07/2019 11:48

The WFH issue is a different thing. As long as he is working in his room, you can't dictate when that's allowed. He is paying for that room... He could use it 24/7 and never leave if he wanted too. That room is his whilst he is paying, and whilst you can dictate who he invites into your home, you cannot dictate when he is and is not allowed to use his room himself.

TheInvestigator · 07/07/2019 11:49

RebootYourEngine, any one from any country can claim asylum. As long as they qualify for asylum by exsapcing persecution or something.

needsahouseboy · 07/07/2019 11:50

Sounds good to me. No way would I want other people’s kids in my house for 18 days! Plus I would be worried they would end up staying longer

brainfrying · 07/07/2019 11:52

the text is fine but I would omit the WFH and insurance part.

SagAloojah · 07/07/2019 11:53

Also, please don't WFH on the fridays I have off work. See you later.'

Text sounds good but this isn't clear. Does he know which Fridays you have ôff?

And no need to say 'was hoping to catch you, that just tells him you're not comfortable knocking on his door. You need to be more assertive OP.

StarJumpsandaHalf · 07/07/2019 11:55

I know I shouldn't but I feel awful

He's got in writing what you're providing and what he's paying for, but he's not wanting to stick to it or renegotiate.

You feel sensitive about enforcing your agreement because he's trying to ride rough shod over it by presenting you with a fait accompli.

You obviously need to assess whether you're prepared to give any and then enforce your boundaries and terms.