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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my lodger's family to stay?

516 replies

Anotherbloodyname123 · 06/07/2019 15:02

Lodger announced his family (wife and two kids) are coming to visit in a few months a while ago and I'm not quite sure why I didn't think to ask immediately where they were staying. I did today as it came up and he says they're going to stay here, for two whole weeks!

(For context, he is lodging with me for a work contract, and his family live abroad)

This is a normal two bed flat and he said his family are fine to share the (double) bed and sleep on the floor.

I'm really not happy about this. He kept saying it'll be fine and the kids will be well behaved (I'm sure they will as he's very quiet and usually considerate and polite!)

He's not even really booking time off to spend with them. He said the kids and wife will stay in the flat all day Monday to Thursday as they'll be too scared to go out, and he'll go out with them on the two weekends they're here.

I said I wasn't keen but he just kept batting it back.

AIBU to not want them to stay? I'm a single woman and I DON'T want kids staying especially ones I don't know. I have a nice place and it's not child friendly. I don't have a garden.

Relevant bit of our contract is this: 'not to permit anyone else to stay in the Room, although the Licensee may allow visitors to stay overnight in the Room on an
occasional basis;'

But I also don't want to be an arsehole. He must miss them a lot!

Help.

OP posts:
SemperIdem · 07/07/2019 02:20

Tell him no, give him notice immediately.

Dec05 · 07/07/2019 03:42

Reading this thread with interest - what jumped out at me was that if OP allowed this then all bets are off.
Family / uncles / friends etc will be appearing.
Lodger 'informed' the OP his family were arriving - no discussion, no asking permission & complete disregard for OP objections.
Irrelevant whether it's a man thing, a culture thing or whatever, OP needs to reset the boundaries - hard & fast - no apologies.
This is a case of you show people how to treat you.
OP it will be hard the first time you do this, consider it practice for those tough conversations & good luck - you should not have your kind nature taken advantage of !

WellThisIsShit · 07/07/2019 04:01

Good luck speaking to your lodger and being firm about your boundaries Flowers

CodenameVillanelle · 07/07/2019 04:07

He's not really a good lodger. Good lodgers don't slob about in the living room.

HellYeah90s · 07/07/2019 04:29

I bet the kids are really excited about coming to stay with dad, not saying they can come and stay but at least make them feel welcome when they do visit. So can you compromise? I would probably allow them to come over for dinner (at his expense for food) as it is cheaper than eating out.

As a child who's dad worked at the other end of the country and only came home once / twice per month for a weekend, or we visited. It is tough for the family and I valued that precious time a lot. Slightly different as my dad was in a flat share but we often went round as a family and chilled there for a couple of hours before going out.

NaomiFromMilkShake · 07/07/2019 05:43

What guarantee do you have that there is an end date ?

ColdAndSad · 07/07/2019 06:10

Having read this whole thread, and seen how he's ignoring you when you say it's not going to work for you, I'd seriously consider telling him in writing (email, text, that sort of thing) as well as by speaking to him that they can't stay. Because it's possible that he'll continue to ignore you no matter what you tell him, and just bring them along anyway, in which case it will be important that you can prove to everyone that you told him they can't stay--which is why you need it in writing.

cooldarkroom · 07/07/2019 07:05

and who will show up next ? a cousin? a nephew coming to Uni? his parents every year ?
Please don't start with an apology, "Sorry but....."
I am absolutely not amenable to having 3 extra lodgers, you will have to find an alternative. I am telling you now so that you can look into traveller lodge etc.
If he says he can't afford it & the tickets are already bought, you reply that he did not ask if it was feasible & to read his contract.
If this is going to be detrimental to our entente, then you will need to look for another lodging.

WhyTho · 07/07/2019 07:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummymayhem18 · 07/07/2019 07:42

Hope you get it sorted and place marking ☺️

Pikapikachooo · 07/07/2019 08:04

I have changed my views a bit . If the contract clearly states it.....

It’s sad though . As basically the money one spends (and earns) basically dictates what freedoms you have

House mortgage , free to have what you like
Rented solo flat , ditto
Rented studio , ditto
Shared house , not much
Lodger , fuck all rights other than a shared kitchen and a bed

I get OPs position and it’s not fair she subsidises someone . But being a lodger truly sucks and and to difference is only a few 100 a Month in some cases

Who would ever be a lodger Sad

CuriousaboutSamphire · 07/07/2019 08:24

Being a lodger is something that works for very many people. You may not like it but it works, when both sides are fully aware of the realities.

In this case neither OP nor her lodger are! So it isn't ging to work.

Having read OPs posts what she should have done was given the lodger the room with the en suite and told him that was his room and he had access to the kitchen. THAT is how it should work. Instead she has given him access to the full house and retreats to her room, as though she is lodging!

Having been a lodger I know that it is nicer than a bedsit, less lonely, feels safer and you aren't trapped by a contract that a change in circumstances makes difficult to get out of quickly.

RockinHippy · 07/07/2019 08:56

What guarantee do you have that there is an end date ?

I've got to admit, this would work me a lot too.

I remember watching some TV program where similar happened. A guy had let someone he vaguely know stay in his flat as a lodger as he was homeless & needed a favour. The person ended up moving the rest of his family in in the guise of visiting for a week. Only they weren't visiting, they'd moved in. Guy came home to find the locks changed & he was kicked out of his own home. The rest of the program was the wrangle to get the family with small kids out of his house, which was gobsmackingly slow & complicated

I'm sure that's very rare, but I'm not seeing a nice guy here at all, I'm seeing someone who has taken over your living room, ignored polite refusal of his visitors & generally rough shod over you in your own home. I'm sure the above is rare, but the guy sounds entitled, so I'd be very wary

Tooner · 07/07/2019 08:59

It the 'lounging about in the living room' bit that got me. He is already making you feel uncomfortable in YOUR own home. Time to reset the boundaries OP. Get it all out there, the lounging, family visit and tell him straight the rules in your house. He's a right CF and doesn't take you into consideration at all.

Annonymiss123 · 07/07/2019 09:11

This guy has no respect for you or your home OP. It would be a definite “no” from me - & I’d probably also get rid of him as a lodger.

@Crockof It sounds like you’ve dealt with your fair share of freaks & weirdos, but this gave me a belly laugh...

Someone who every morning opened a Tin of sardines /tuna/general fish and put it in a saucer on the floor for the cat we didn't have!

TalkingAboutPride · 07/07/2019 09:20

Stop being wishy washy with your language. I'm a terribly polite sensitive Brit but if you said to me you weren't keen even I'd be reassuring you not raising that you're actually trying to say no. Say No! , actually tell him in out and out clear and what will feel to you very blunt language "No your family can't stay here." If he comes back again that it won't be a problem just repeat the words No they can't stay here. No. Absolutely not. No. And that if he carries on you will terminate his contract.

While you're at it tell him that you need every other Friday at home alone so he'll have to work elsewhere on Fridays.

Davespecifico · 07/07/2019 09:22

If he’s making you feel like you’re confined to your room, what’s it going to be like when you he family arrive? You’ll be the lodger.

Frannyhy · 07/07/2019 09:27

Why don’t you try airbnb? It takes a while to get established but: you can charge more for your accommodation and you set the rules.

I have found doing it a mostly very positive experience. I get visitors from all over the world and have made many new friends. But I set the rules and if they don’t stick to them they will be gone. Those rules include single women only and no visitors. No lounge use - they do have a TV in the bedroom.

If they want to bring extra people, they don’t come here.

I had one woman here who’s bf turned up, because he was ‘missing her.’ I told him to stay the night elsewhere either with or without her, and threw him out of my house.

huggybear · 07/07/2019 09:40

Stressful situation. Yanbu to ask them to stay elsewhere.

Crockof · 07/07/2019 09:49

OK I'm changing my mind, aas it now doesn't seem he is quite as good lodger as I first thought.

@Annonymiss123 honestly it was mental, other than that he was a fairly OK lodger, I kept asking wtf but he just kept saying he forgot he didn't have a cat anymore. what was even weirder is when I said I would be happy to have a cat (this was after the rat instance with another lodger so thought cat ownership would be prudent) he said he didn't really like them and would rather not. This went on for six months till he moved on.

Original poster
Anotherbloodyname123 · 07/07/2019 10:11

No update as yet.

Just to answer those who keep saying being a lodger is rubbish - it is his choice. He has colleagues in similar positions that have chosen to flatshare. He could have done that.

OP posts:
prettybird · 07/07/2019 10:15

At the moment, why would he want to flat share?: he has all the benefits of flat sharing (unencumbered use of the lounge with the owner not present Hmm) without any of the responsibilities Confused - and presumably cheaper than flat sharing Hmm

Original poster
Anotherbloodyname123 · 07/07/2019 10:19

It's not enuncumbered. I get use of what I want. I gave an example of if I get home in the evening and he's already in there. I do of course get priority and when I've had a friend over or whatever he makes himself scarce. It's not awful all the time but I'm not going to give a blow by blow account of every day since he arrived.

And in answer to a pp - I'm lucky in that my bedroom is the size of most studio flats and very nice. I didn't want to give him the room with the en suite as I love it!

The main issue is the one I originally posted about.

OP posts:
SagAloojah · 07/07/2019 10:24

I was Shock at the slobbing out on sofa and telling 'll be fine.

He has rented a room, not a house share! He is paying accordingly.

RainbowRun · 07/07/2019 10:36

He has rented a room, not a house share!

^This. Having a partner and 2 kids to stay for 18 days is not on.

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