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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my lodger's family to stay?

516 replies

Anotherbloodyname123 · 06/07/2019 15:02

Lodger announced his family (wife and two kids) are coming to visit in a few months a while ago and I'm not quite sure why I didn't think to ask immediately where they were staying. I did today as it came up and he says they're going to stay here, for two whole weeks!

(For context, he is lodging with me for a work contract, and his family live abroad)

This is a normal two bed flat and he said his family are fine to share the (double) bed and sleep on the floor.

I'm really not happy about this. He kept saying it'll be fine and the kids will be well behaved (I'm sure they will as he's very quiet and usually considerate and polite!)

He's not even really booking time off to spend with them. He said the kids and wife will stay in the flat all day Monday to Thursday as they'll be too scared to go out, and he'll go out with them on the two weekends they're here.

I said I wasn't keen but he just kept batting it back.

AIBU to not want them to stay? I'm a single woman and I DON'T want kids staying especially ones I don't know. I have a nice place and it's not child friendly. I don't have a garden.

Relevant bit of our contract is this: 'not to permit anyone else to stay in the Room, although the Licensee may allow visitors to stay overnight in the Room on an
occasional basis;'

But I also don't want to be an arsehole. He must miss them a lot!

Help.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anotherbloodyname123 · 07/07/2019 11:55

I'm very torn on the WFH thing. It is literally the only time ever I get at home alone. He never leaves the house. I guess I just have to ask him to work in his room. Also I'm not home every time on those days - I'm very often out. It's just the freedom of knowing I can have the place to myself I guess

OP posts:
Original poster
Anotherbloodyname123 · 07/07/2019 11:56

This thread and all the Brenee Brown stuff I've seen/read recently has made me think a lot about boundaries!

OP posts:
prettybird · 07/07/2019 11:57

I would take out the boy about insurance and add in the boy about the contract. You don't need to justify yourself.

But I agree with TheInvestigator - you can't stop him WFH, but you can remind him that if he does, he should stay in his room throughout the day.

And as Tallgreenbottle says, finish with This is non-negotiable

BrienneofTarthILoveYou · 07/07/2019 11:58

Agree with the others Op, just tell him no. Your text should be assertive & firm & make it clear it's not up for any further discussion.

I think the WFH on Fridays is a separate matter and you should deal with that separately so as not to confuse things.

FrancisCrawford · 07/07/2019 12:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WholelottaPaint · 07/07/2019 12:06

Not sure you can insist he doesn't WFH on Fridays.

RockinHippy · 07/07/2019 12:06

Sounds perfect, but I'd also leave out the insurance bit. That's not his business & you don't need an excuse to uphold the terms of your lodger agreement, giving an excuse makes you appear weaker & I'm also guessing this guys culture is a misogynist one so you need to stand firm in your decision, I'd add the non negotiable bit too & add occasional "overnight" guests to stay without my permission to the texts

I'm sorry, but despite your update explaining why they are coming here, I think this still sounds dodgy as hell & I'd tread very carefully

TheInvestigator · 07/07/2019 12:07

Of course you can tell him to stay in his room. That's the only room he is paying for. So on those Fridays, he stays in his room (can obviously cook lunch etc) but he isn't allowed to just wander around the house.

TalkingAboutPride · 07/07/2019 12:08

"i was hoping to see you this morning but since I haven't I want to let you know asap I have thought about your family staying in xxx and have decided that it's a no to them staying here. The flat is not big enough for five people and I don't want adults and children here during the day, for many reasons including the fact my insurance doesn't cover it. and 5 people for 18 days is clearly outside of the "occasional visitors" clause in the tenancy agreement. You will have to find a hotel or Airbnb or something make alternative arrangements for their accommodation. Also, please don't WFH on the fridays I have off work. See you later."

Suggested amends.

I think you need to tackle Fridays separately on another occasion.

RockinHippy · 07/07/2019 12:10

I also don't think you can insist he doesn't work from home on Fridays, though you might want to check if your insurance covers this as I doubt it will. I work from home & our insurances differs because of this. So you might find his working from home at all invalidates your insurance.

If it doesn', you can certainly insist that he keeps activity, work or otherwise in the room he has rented & not anywhere else in YOUR home

Original poster
Anotherbloodyname123 · 07/07/2019 12:14

@talkingaboutpride good amends thanks.

I'm going out now so will send the text shortly. Wont be able to update as I'll be busy but will report back later.

OP posts:
RockinHippy · 07/07/2019 12:18

Good luck 🤞🤞

RainbowRun · 07/07/2019 12:19

Why didn't you just knock on his door?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/07/2019 12:21

Some excellent ideas for tightening up the text, the crucial point being that it needs to leave no room at all for "but ..."

Well spotted, RockinHippy, on the relative costs of him/them travelling. Now, as predicted, it turns out he really does intend to move his wife and DCs here - and guess who was supposed to house them while their accommodation problems were sorted ("it really will be only one more week, honest")?

For all we know, he may even plan to say OP's offered them all a permanent home ...

Original poster
Anotherbloodyname123 · 07/07/2019 12:24

@rainbowrun he often naps during the day, and as a pp earlier suggested putting it in writing spells it out really clearly

OP posts:
BrienneofTarthILoveYou · 07/07/2019 12:26

Great amendments from @TalkingAboutPride. Hope he accepts it Op & does make alternative arrangements & you get no more hassle as you certainly don't need to be made to feel guilty about anything.

Pinktinker · 07/07/2019 12:31

Lodging sounds like a nightmare. I actually had no idea people did this until I ventured onto MN. The notion of having a stranger living in my house is so odd, I’d hate it.

Anyway of course YANBU, they need to stay in a hotel.

KTheGrey · 07/07/2019 12:33

I would be prepared to give him notice. You have a financial and contractual relationship and it's not like a flatshare; I had several lodgers and mainly just lovely, but one was so awful I had to give her notice (she NEVER cleaned, complained her friends hated her all the time and never let me choose what was on the telly.)

You get to say what's ok cos it's your house. His choices don't trump yours
Flowers

redredrobins · 07/07/2019 12:33

I think if, after he has read your message, he still tries to talk you round you will need to tell him to leave. It will be proof that he has no respect for your position as the homeowner.
Good luck OP I hope it all goes well.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/07/2019 12:35

putting it in writing spells it out really clearly

You're absolutely spot on with this; in fact as well as the text I'd write it out for him and keep a copy, not least so you've got proof if the immigration people ever enquire

bakedbeanzontoast · 07/07/2019 12:37

@Pinktinker it really is. People are hard work.

Lilifer · 07/07/2019 12:45

.

greenwaterbottle · 07/07/2019 12:53

I think a further separate text/discussion would work re using the lounge and on Fridays.
Does he have a tv in his room, does he have use of the lounge in the contract.
You might be able to clear up both points together.

Enclume · 07/07/2019 12:59

Why would a woman so apparently unable to stand up for herself honestly have a male lodger? Confused

I can rip a man's testes off with a single withering look from fifty paces but I would not seek to have a male lodger in my flat. If things go wrong, they can go badly wrong.

Zero boundaries, zero ability to shut down his entitled demands immediately with a few frosty syllables... nah. The whole set up is mucho shitto and has trainwreck written all over it.

Orangeballon · 07/07/2019 13:03

Tell him to leave as he is rendering your home to be illegally overcrowded.

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