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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my lodger's family to stay?

516 replies

Anotherbloodyname123 · 06/07/2019 15:02

Lodger announced his family (wife and two kids) are coming to visit in a few months a while ago and I'm not quite sure why I didn't think to ask immediately where they were staying. I did today as it came up and he says they're going to stay here, for two whole weeks!

(For context, he is lodging with me for a work contract, and his family live abroad)

This is a normal two bed flat and he said his family are fine to share the (double) bed and sleep on the floor.

I'm really not happy about this. He kept saying it'll be fine and the kids will be well behaved (I'm sure they will as he's very quiet and usually considerate and polite!)

He's not even really booking time off to spend with them. He said the kids and wife will stay in the flat all day Monday to Thursday as they'll be too scared to go out, and he'll go out with them on the two weekends they're here.

I said I wasn't keen but he just kept batting it back.

AIBU to not want them to stay? I'm a single woman and I DON'T want kids staying especially ones I don't know. I have a nice place and it's not child friendly. I don't have a garden.

Relevant bit of our contract is this: 'not to permit anyone else to stay in the Room, although the Licensee may allow visitors to stay overnight in the Room on an
occasional basis;'

But I also don't want to be an arsehole. He must miss them a lot!

Help.

OP posts:
MyNewBearTotoro · 08/07/2019 22:44

How old are his children? How often does he get to see them?

I think I would agree to them staying as family is important and I sympathise if he can’t affird anywhere else for them to stay. But I would definitely charge him extra for having his family stay to cover the extra bills and I would stipulate that they have to be out of the house between 9 and 4 if he’s at work and you’re WFH.

WillLokireturn · 08/07/2019 22:45

Try the 'i said no, and if you ask again will give you 7 days notice to leave" approach OP

Absolutepowercorrupts · 08/07/2019 22:46

Why don't posters RTFT or at least read the OP's updates before posting

cstaff · 08/07/2019 22:46

OP we are talking 18 days here, not a weekend. Don't do it. You will end up moving out of your own house for a bit of peace. 5 people in a 2 bed who are not even friends, never mind family - not that any of those would be good.

Original poster
Anotherbloodyname123 · 08/07/2019 22:51

Not sure how old the kids are - older than 5, less than 10 I think (I have asked but have forgotten).

OP posts:
WillLokireturn · 08/07/2019 22:53

@Absolutepowercorrupts
Who are you aiming that at? As all.the latest PPs have RTFT and are responding to latest Cfness of lodger.
🙄

QuickThinkOfAName · 08/07/2019 22:54

Not being funny but why are you thinking about his suggestion? Are you actually considering it?

To be perfectly honest if I had a lodger/friend/partner who consistently pushed when I had said no I would be reconsidering that relationship.

He has no respect for you. He thinks he can railroad you into things.

By saying you'll think about it it gives him hope that he can get what he wants and oh what a surprise his colleagues wife is out this week so entire family will be in your home all day by themselves getting up to god knows what.

I would seriously heed some of the previous comments about lodgers moving entire families in and then refusing to move. This man is not taking no for an answer which is a massive red flag for me.

WillLokireturn · 08/07/2019 22:56

@Absolutepowercorrupts
If you are responding to an anomaly poster to tell them to RTFT, then reply direct (tag him / her in ), and don't detract please from thread.

MyNewBearTotoro · 08/07/2019 22:57

I RTFT and I would agree on the basis that they’re going to be out of the house (whether that be with the colleague or elsewhere) and on the condition they paid rent for the stay to cover costs. I don’t think the lodger is being massively cheeky to ask to have them to stay and I think if this is fairly standard in his culture he probably thinks it’s a fair suggestion.

I would say yes on the basis that he’s a good lodger and may be hard to replace and that it’s only 2 weeks of my life whilst he’s apart from his wife and kids for months of the year. I can’t imagine how hard that must be for him and I’d want him to be able to have some time with his family and for the kids to be able to stay with their dad.

RockinHippy · 08/07/2019 23:04

Bear

Initially he didn't ask, he just presumed it was okay. The op only found out because she asked him where they where staying & he answered "here"

He is a total CF

& I doubt he's been honest about them spending daytime at his friends either. The OP will be out at work & he's banking on them leaving for a while her not knowing any different if they arrive back after she's come home.

MyNameIsRachelAndIWantAPresent · 08/07/2019 23:07

I would say no as it's obvious that they are not going to get up at 7.30 to go over the road. They'll get up, eat breakfast, go upstairs, use the bathroom, faff about and may be leave about lunchtime, then be back at 3 to wait for him to come home.

crazycatgal · 08/07/2019 23:07

Just put your foot down and say no unless you want to be tiptoeing around your own place for 18 days.

RockinHippy · 08/07/2019 23:18

& if you do give in at all, fgs insist on seeing their return tickets before saying yes to anything.

Even UK visitors can turn up expecting to stay for the long haul figuring they'd sort somewhere out to live when here. We had that with an old friend who asked for a bed for 2 nights saying he was returning home on Sunday. Come Sunday it was clear he had no intention of moving & was clearly going nowhere. I had to sort out his train times & March him up to the station as he was a total pita & I couldn't handle another night of him. Later found out he'd intended to come for a few weeks, with a view to maybe moving back here Hmm

MyNewBearTotoro · 08/07/2019 23:19

I think if the OP is at work then it doesn’t really matter if they’re at home all day as they’re not in anyone’s way, so long as they’re respectful. From what the OP says about her lodger it sounds like he’s a quiet and considerate person. As I said I’d want some contribution on account of the additional bills and would say they had to leave the house in days I was working from home.

I don’t think the lodger intended to be cheeky, rather it sounds like in his culture this wouldn’t be a big deal and so it didn’t occur to him that the OP would mind. If he was an otherwise difficult lodger I wouldn’t consider having his family stay, but OP admits that he’s quiet and tidy and respectful and that most of the other potential lodgers she interviewed were not people she’d want to share with. It doesn’t sound like the lodger is trying to inconvenience, upset or scam the OP but rather he is excited for having his family coming to visit and wants to accommodate and welcome them and spend time with them. I think I’d feel different if it was his friends or his parents but we’re talking about his wife and children - it must be really hard being in a situation where the only way to earn money is to move across the world without your children and to be apart from them and I suppose I’d want to do a kind thing and support his family for the relatively short time if I felt able to.

That said I appreciate it’s easy for me to say that abdn it’s not me who will have to live it and only OP can really judge whether the lodger is being cheeky/ taking the piss or whether he’s simply so used to this in his culture or so overwhelmed with excitement at his family visiting he’s unable to see it from the OPs point of view. If he’s an otherwise difficult man I’d be saying a firm no but if he’s a generally good and considerate man I’d want to help him enjoy his family’s visit.

sansou · 08/07/2019 23:24

I would give him notice to leave.

RockinHippy · 08/07/2019 23:25

From the OPs previous posts, she SAYS that he's a good lodger, but then goes on to describe someone who isn't. The OP is relegated to her bedroom whilst he slobs in front of her TV with her remote control. Quiet yes, but he's not understanding the boundaries of the situation & has taken over her home already. I dread to think how bad that could get with his whole family. I doubt they'll all speak English anyway, so the OP is going to feel like the outsider I her own home, which isn't on, especially not fir 18 dats, that if it even is 18 days & not longer 🤷‍♀️

Tooner · 08/07/2019 23:29

Why should the OP 'do the kind thing' when he basically assumed his family could stay in her flat for 18 days and when he was told no he at first seemed to accept her decision then came back with another suggestion which to me sounds very fishy. He is a cheeky get, no two ways around it and will not take no for an answer. Disregarding his culture if someone tell you no then that should be the end of it.

Original poster
Anotherbloodyname123 · 08/07/2019 23:34

I don't feel railroaded, I feel like I've been soft. His tone is polite and not pushy and I get the feeling that if I asked him to sleep on the sofa so I could have a guest stay in his room he absolutely would! He's been utterly polite and kind to any friends I've had round. Yes I have disappeared to my room on occasion as has he most of the time. I was cheesed off yesterday, hence my tone about slobbing and so on.

I think it's v much a cultural thing and he is perhaps new to the lodger thing and I am still learning too.

Anyway, thank you all for your comments. This nest of vipers is largely supportive! GrinFlowers

OP posts:
BrienneofTarthILoveYou · 08/07/2019 23:36

You've done brilliantly Op, so just continue to be strong with him and tell him no as he's taking the piss.

RockinHippy · 08/07/2019 23:39

Has he looked into Hostels, that would probably be a much cheaper place for them to stay

YoThePussy · 08/07/2019 23:46

Why don’t the lot of them, lodger, wife and DC all go over the road and stay with colleague and his wife for the 18 days? After all the colleague has so kindly offered his home as a day time doss house for the wife and DC so what’s the difference.

greenlynx · 08/07/2019 23:47

He’s a good lodger when it suits him but he keeps gently pushing and pushing. I would say him “no” and actually I would advise you to invite/have someone with you when you are saying this to him and the day when his family is coming. I wouldn’t ask questions about what he’s going to do with his family and so on. Your answer should be short and clear : only he’s renting a room from you and that’s it.
Tbh I would consider giving him a notice. And I’m also interested where he’s from. It does make a difference.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/07/2019 23:58

So his proposal is that his family sleep here ONLY, and then go to his friends house to hang out with the wife all day, and to eat dinner etc before coming back here to sleep

He simply isn't listening is he? (Not that there's any surprise there)

What possible reason would his colleague's wife have for wanting to entertain and feed them all, especially as he'd probably claim he "couldn't afford to pay much"? And that's to say nothing of them constantly dotting to and fro between the two houses ...

Surely you can see that "I'll think about it" could come across as just another sign of weakness, ripe for exploiting?

IncandescentShadow · 09/07/2019 00:02

He's looked on Airbnb and it's out of his budget (it is an insane amount of money as I looked too) so, His colleague lives over the road with his wife. Wife is home alone all day. So his proposal is that his family sleep here ONLY, and then go to his friends house to hang out with the wife all day, and to eat dinner etc before coming back here to sleep. I said I'd think about it.

That is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard. Because its so utterly unbelievable.

OP - are you crazy? You are risking a family taking over your home and squatting in it and refusing to move while claiming a right to family life under the Human Rights Act. Have you even seen their return tickets? Or spoken to this colleague's wife? Its all so utterly strange and bizarre, as is your oh-so-reasonable tone saying stuff like you will consider this nonsense.

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