To seriously consider leaving “D”P because his hygiene is atrocious?

[Zeldamarioandkong]

Just that really.
He hasn’t showered for 8 days. 8. No depression, just a lazy shit of a man. Has to be reminded daily to brush his teeth, if I don’t tell him, it doesn’t get done. He works in an office so I highly doubt it hasn’t gone unnoticed. Sick to bloody death of living with a man child. We have 1 DC and have been together 10+ years, luckily we aren’t married. I can’t live the rest of my life with a disgusting hobbit who doesn’t respect me or himself enough to wash daily.
I’m a very clean person, like to keep a tidy home and look/smell nice. This disgusting behaviour really does trigger me and makes me feel physically sick. And no, I’m not having sex with him. Couldn’t think of anything worse at the moment, with this heat I dread to think of the state his ‘area’ is in
Pissed off and fed up. What should I do? Should I try and make it work and hope he changes, or cut my losses and make arrangements to leave him.

You’re enabling him to live his lazy, smelly life by picking up the pieces.

You said he hasn’t always been like this. Did something happen a year or so again which caused the change - death in the family? Illness? Is he depressed?

It wouldn’t bother me if he only showered only other day, but eight days. Eurgh!

You have three options: 1) carry on as you are, 2) change the situation, 3) leave.

1. • obviously not acceptable
2. maybe give him options including finding a job, improving his personal hygiene, and getting involved in family life
3. if 1) and 2) fail

Get a new job

In the meantime, separate yourself from him as far as you can

He has no respect for you and no respect for himself

Yes I’ve been applying for jobs over the past couple of weeks. Unfortunately there’s no way I’d be able to work during the day at my current place. I’m a good worker and feel very appreciated at my workplace, but there’s just absolutely no room at all for anyone else in the day.
He’s been in his current job for around 5/6 months. Already seems to be pulling the same old shit that’s he’s done before. He’s called in sick 3 times already. I haven’t been off work for over a year because I purely can’t afford to miss a day. He doesn’t care though. And I worry that he’ll lose this job. From the sounds of it his colleagues and managers do really like him and he’s doing a good job, but I can’t see them putting up with an unreliable member of staff.

I think you will feel a lot happier if you start saving up and making some concrete plans to leave him OP. It's clear from what you write that he has killed any love you once had for him with his disgusting attitude.

You are still young and have your whole life ahead of you. Instead of wasting your time agonising over why he's a lazy, dirty bastard, pour all of your spare energy into creating a new life plan for you and DC. Then just up and leave the fucker in his own stinking filth.

I genuinely can’t think of anything that’s changed. When DC was born he suffered from horrendous panic attacks which meant he couldn’t leave the house for months. He’s now on medication for his anxiety and has been for 5 years, and his anxiety very very rarely makes an appearance. The last panic attack he had was 3/4 years ago? He’s able to leave the house and travel to places that are miles away, which was something he couldn’t do before. His anxiety hasn’t been an issue for years. I really don’t think it’s depression. He’s always been lazy. But as a teen and a young adult it wasn’t so much of a problem. It’s only been since living together and having a DC that it’s became a huge issue.

I find his attitude about this vile. The whole "I don't need to impress you" and things like that - ugh. I agree with others, if at all possible at least find someone that could have you and the children for a bit and let him see that, actually, that might not be as solid as he seems to think he is.

I've had time periods where I had probably as horrible hygiene - low mental health, high chronic pain, executive dysfunction. During those times, I would also not do things like eating and it did take outside help - environmental changes that other people helped me bring in - to help move back out of that barely-survival mode. I can totally see how people can get into those ruts and struggle to get out of them on their own and there were times I was defensive about it - mainly as a teen with no real or regular support though.

With that said, his entire attitude is horrible. If he seemed even the slightest bit like he would actually benefit from the environmental changes that helped me, I would offer them, but I think without a short sharp shock that his position isn't as comfortable as he thinks he is, he might view it as a reward for his behaviour and nothing would stick.

It seems that I’ve grown up and matured, which is to be expected when I’m almost 30. But he is still the same teenage boy. I’ve told him to get on my level or fuck off, which was probably harsh. He just laughed in my face and said “nice”.

Yanbu thats vile. Even worse is people are probably judging you too thinking that you are ok with this or even like him !

I feel so sorry for you. My ex H of 15 years had vile breath and hygiene. When he did clean his teeth it was OK so no medical problems.
The stench kept me awake all night and having to drive long distance in the car was horrible as all you could smell was his rancid breath.
It was a relief when he left. I could not have sex with him by the end as he stank so much. I'd told him so many times but he still never got it.

I would ask him directly " why won't you shower?" and every time he comes up with an excuse just keep repeating "but why won't you shower?"

Then leave.

It's a passive aggressive way of insulting you, the implication is that you're not worth being clean and tidy for.

Something has changed in that time period. Depression isn't always obvious.

It could be a self esteem issue? He doesn't really seem care about himself.

Could the meds be making him a bit detached from RL? I'm not saying that they're not really helpful, but could they a just his thinking in mostly good ways but some less good ways?

Dose he have any other problems, drink, drugs, porn gambling? ( sorry if that sounds rude )

Would he be scared of health issues? Many years ago my DH got a bit like this and only changed after nearly loosing his life from sepsis.

*adjust

It's disgusting. My DH and I both shower daily unless exceptional circumstances and clean our teeth twice a day. I wouldn't have sex if he didn't, and vice Versa I should imagine

He thinks he's got you over a barrel, he thinks there's nothing that you can do, he's enjoying his position of power and control.
if this was me I wouldn't bother to call him out, maybe try and have a conversation with him where you point out that this isn't what you want in life, you feel this is unfair etc just level with him treat him like an adult, don't attack him just say your piece.
then if he chooses not to act on this if it chooses not to respect your wishes and your feelings I would just humour him and I would get busy making a plan.....then just up and leave

Grim grim grim op I've worked with 2 soap dodging men in the past, both had normal, attractive, lovely wives and everyone used to wonder how the fuck they slept beside these smelly bastards night after night. One of the men obviously used to only shower once a week because he wouldn't be too bad on a Monday but the smell of body odour would get progressively worse as the week went on. He also wore the same shirt for 4-5 days running. Boak.

His attitude is so boorish and behaviour os just simply disgusting. Leave him as I'm pretty sure once you've lost all respect for your partner, that's pretty much the end of a relationship.

Unfortunately it sounds like he's not going to change, ultimatums obviously don't work, you tried, he didn't change, your still there. It sounds like he doesn't respect you. Is there any way you could temporarily pay for an overnight nanny until you can find a daytime job?
Good luck xx

Yeah it’s a classic case of one partner maturing and growing the fuck up once a child arrives, and the other staying a grubby, selfish, lazy manbaby. He just doesn’t give enough of a shit. His lack of good hygiene is the least of your problems - I wouldn’t stand for his attitude towards you, nor his laziness when it comes to family and parenting responsibilities.

Ugh.

I think you'd be better off without him given your update.
I'm sorry OP he is not only smelly, which is bad enough imo, but he is really irresponsible he has a terrible work ethic, calling in sick and not washing he will be let go soon.
I've no doubt your a good worker and will be a valuable asset to a company, don't worry about work yet, get your stuff sorted and move on without him, the rest

I had an ex like this. He said it was because growing up his mum only made him and his siblings bath on a Sunday so he just thought it was normal.

What a crappy excuse. A bath on a Sunday was standard in the 70s. But then everyone stank of cigarettes so no one minded.

Does he sleep in your bed? I'd be booting him out of there sharpish and telling him he's not allowed back until he showers and brushes teeth daily (don't care if there's no spare bed, he can make do with the living room floor)

Well once you’ve given an ultimatum and then not followed through, you don’t really have any bargaining power left.
But you can’t just leave because of childcare. So why not give yourself a goal of eg 3 months where you are job hunting, then eg another 3 months to work your notice/settle into the new job. So you are working towards ‘your’ goal of moving on.

Also could you live nearer to your DM so you could share childcare and that might give you more options? Are you able to ask mums at school/friends for info on whether their company is recruiting.

You issued an ultimatum a while ago -shower or I leave. Now it’s time to follow through.