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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To seriously consider leaving “D”P because his hygiene is atrocious?

273 replies

Zeldamarioandkong · 06/07/2019 11:02

Just that really.
He hasn’t showered for 8 days. 8. No depression, just a lazy shit of a man. Has to be reminded daily to brush his teeth, if I don’t tell him, it doesn’t get done. He works in an office so I highly doubt it hasn’t gone unnoticed. Sick to bloody death of living with a man child. We have 1 DC and have been together 10+ years, luckily we aren’t married. I can’t live the rest of my life with a disgusting hobbit who doesn’t respect me or himself enough to wash daily.
I’m a very clean person, like to keep a tidy home and look/smell nice. This disgusting behaviour really does trigger me and makes me feel physically sick. And no, I’m not having sex with him. Couldn’t think of anything worse at the moment, with this heat I dread to think of the state his ‘area’ is in Angry
Pissed off and fed up. What should I do? Should I try and make it work and hope he changes, or cut my losses and make arrangements to leave him.

OP posts:
ememem84 · 06/07/2019 11:34

Gross.

I’d leave and leave him to it. If dh didn’t shower for that long or take care of himself what sort of example is he setting for dc?

He hasn’t showered today yet. But he’s in the garden. So I figure he’ll do it once he’s finished.

Although I do joke with dh that I don’t have to make an effort now were married! I do though. I’m clean. Shower every day teeth brushed three times a day (having teeth straightened at the moment and need to brush after every meal) and always look presentable.

Original poster
Zeldamarioandkong · 06/07/2019 11:35

I just really cannot understand why he’s like this, and why he thinks it’s acceptable?!

OP posts:
Leftielefterson · 06/07/2019 11:35

YADNBU - this is just gross (provided there really are no underlying mental health issues). I’d speak to him and explain if there is no real improvement you’re going to have to call time on the relationship.

I dated a really lovely guy but was put off by the fact he allowed his cats and dogs to lounge on his bed throughout the day and sometimes they’d sleep with him. It was just so unsanitary that I could get past it. Breaking point came when his cat was sat next to him on his dining table eating his food. Gross!

wildcherries · 06/07/2019 11:35

Haven't RTFullT.

His reply “I don’t have to make an effort, I’ve already got you. I don’t have to impress you anymore”

This would be enough for me to leave. This so disrespectful and just overall twatty.

Summertimeatthebeach · 06/07/2019 11:35

One of the reasons I left my first dp was lack of hygiene... Years later he has many missing teeth due to lack of care I assume..
I would have a shed put in the garden and start calling him Fungus. Share a bed? No bloody way!!
Ltb.

Bluerussian · 06/07/2019 11:35

I wouldn't put up with it, lay it on the line and tell him he either improves his personal hygiene or you split.

breakfastpizza · 06/07/2019 11:36

A friend left her husband over this. She thought it was depression at first but he refused any and all requests to get help or talk about it. He was only 28 and they'd known each other since uni.

She's much happier now.

steppemum · 06/07/2019 11:37

sorry, but WHY are you with him? There is NOTHING you have written that makes him even remotely attractive.

You need a partner, not another child.
You deserve better.
he is lazy, unatractive, smelly and not a good parent.

Why is he still there? Why are you still with him?

DiaryofWimpyMumm · 06/07/2019 11:38

YADNB
My ex husband would shower daily but didn't brush his teeth regularly. It was a huge turn off, he's got plates now and missing teeth. Going for 8 days with showering is gross. I couldn't live with someone with such poor hygiene

findingmyfeet12 · 06/07/2019 11:39

It sounds like you're trying to work up to leaving him.

I hope you make the right decision for your family op.

He's not a good parent.

Original poster
Zeldamarioandkong · 06/07/2019 11:40

If I’m being brutally honest I think one of reasons I’ve put up with this for so long is because of childcare. I work odd hours and can’t get childcare elsewhere. So if we do split, it’s going to be a huge upheaval of me getting a new job, DC going into childcare which hasn’t been done before and makes me slightly nervous. It’ll be a change in every aspect of my life and I hate change. But the same time, I’m not prepared to live with shrek treating me like I’m a fucking idiot.

OP posts:
SolitudeAtAltitude · 06/07/2019 11:40

I would not accept this, at all

Original poster
Zeldamarioandkong · 06/07/2019 11:41

Just in case, daily mail, daily mirror, the sun and all other tabloids and pieces of shit!!!

OP posts:
Selmababies · 06/07/2019 11:42

After your last post, I wonder if he has any redeeming features at all?

What has kept you there up until now?

It sounds as though you'd be much better off without him and exploring whether you have low self esteem and/or confidence to settle for such a man.

Bloomburger · 06/07/2019 11:42

So other than childcare (which he also sounds shit at) what is he bringing to the party?

Selmababies · 06/07/2019 11:43

Cross posted!

Theworldcouldbemymollusc · 06/07/2019 11:43

But hes not really doing childcare is he?

KatherineJaneway · 06/07/2019 11:43

“I don’t have to make an effort, I’ve already got you. I don’t have to impress you anymore”.

"Yes you do. If you do not immediately start to shower every day and properly clean yourself, our marriage is over. No if's or but's, it will be the end. No second chances."

RoryGillmoresEvilTwin · 06/07/2019 11:44

Nope. No way. 🤢

Personally I would start planning to leave, or even better, get him to leave.

He has no respect for you or himself. He sounds vile. Lazy and minging.

Fairylea · 06/07/2019 11:45

Even reading about him made me feel ill.

I would have to leave him. Gross!

wildcherries · 06/07/2019 11:45

I'd rather find childcare than live like this. Besides, he "forgot" child's homework? Not much help there either then, is he?

Cyrusc · 06/07/2019 11:45

The bad hygiene would be the least of my worries if I were you OP... he sounds awful, I imagine it's a culmination of his terrible traits that have you feeling at tipping point. He is clearly lazy in every aspect of his life, this must be such a turn off? I could be way off but based on everything you've said I think you "settled"? You sold yourself short. I would leave if I were you, I truly would.

Afteryoux · 06/07/2019 11:45

He sounds generally lazy and he has got worse over the years. He has told you why ie he’s got you now and doesn’t need to bother. Except he does doesn’t he?

DishingOutDone · 06/07/2019 11:46

I just really cannot understand why he’s like this, and why he thinks it’s acceptable?!

Would understanding it make you feel more accepting? Maybe you never will understand it, but I think we are unanimous here in that he does it to you because you let him. If you split he can just do it to himself.

So you've issued the ultimatum and it didn't work. How old are you both and how old DC? Who owns the house you live in? Can you tell him he needs to leave for a while to have a think about his life? Go back to his scented family and see how that goes down? I bet you a pound to a penny he'll have a shower as soon as he gets to his mums and then say you have thrown him out as you are a horrible witch.

Original poster
Zeldamarioandkong · 06/07/2019 11:49

We’re both late 20’s and DC is primary school age. I don’t want to put too many revealing details as I don’t want anyone I know seeing this and knowing how bad it is. It’s embarrassing Sad

OP posts: