To seriously consider leaving “D”P because his hygiene is atrocious?

[Zeldamarioandkong]

Just that really.
He hasn’t showered for 8 days. 8. No depression, just a lazy shit of a man. Has to be reminded daily to brush his teeth, if I don’t tell him, it doesn’t get done. He works in an office so I highly doubt it hasn’t gone unnoticed. Sick to bloody death of living with a man child. We have 1 DC and have been together 10+ years, luckily we aren’t married. I can’t live the rest of my life with a disgusting hobbit who doesn’t respect me or himself enough to wash daily.
I’m a very clean person, like to keep a tidy home and look/smell nice. This disgusting behaviour really does trigger me and makes me feel physically sick. And no, I’m not having sex with him. Couldn’t think of anything worse at the moment, with this heat I dread to think of the state his ‘area’ is in
Pissed off and fed up. What should I do? Should I try and make it work and hope he changes, or cut my losses and make arrangements to leave him.

You have tried to coax/nag/persuade him to change and given him an ultimatum -get clean or get single. He has ignored it all. Are you going to stay and live feeling repulsed for him forever or are you going to leave?

How can you sleep next to him? The bed must smell bad on his side.

Tbh I wouldn't blame you for dumping him. Just be prepared for him to totally change when you do and be further insulted.

It could well be bad habit from childhood.

I know a minging family where all the children have grown up to be minging adults with greasy hair and bad body odour. The grandchildren are now being taught the same bad habits.

That's disgusting. I don't know how you've managed to put up with it for so long. He clearly doesn't care and I doubt he'll change.

His family are really clean, which is even worse. If they were neglectful during his childhood I’d have some sort of understanding. But no, they smell nice, lovely clean house, showers daily for all of them and perfume/aftershave.

I had an ex like this. Never brushed his teeth, I would have to beg him to do it. He would shower once a week, even during really hot summer spells. I tried everything to get him to understand but he just couldn't be arsed. He didn't have much of a sex drive so me refusing to kiss or have sex with him didn't make a difference.

I'm afraid in the end I dumped him. A couple weeks after he had an enormous abscess and had to go to the dentist fr the first time in 8 years. I learnt from a mutual friend that his next girlfriend dumped him for similar reasons 3 years later, so he obviously still hadn't learned.

Sorry, not much help. He says that he's got you, so he doesnt have to impress you? Remind him that if he wants you to stay with him he does have to impress you.

You say he's not depressed, and obviously op you know him better than any of us reading this, but surely there must be something else going on if he has only started neglecting his hygiene in the last eighteen months to two years? Now did he behave before then?

Lots of people suffering from depression "go through the motions" doing the absolute minimum, outwardly carrying on as "normal" when inside, they are anything but. Could that be a possibility?

You call him a "lazy shit of a man" which sounds very harsh. Is he lazy in other ways? Does he work hard? Does he have sleep apnoea or insomnia?

It's very hard to know whether YABU or not, without knowing the full context, but it doesn't sound as if you have much respect for him and once respect is gone ... .

I can't even put my DHs socks in the laundry basket after a really long day at work. They smell so bad I put them straight in the machine.

Why are you dealing with his dirty clothes?

How repulsive.

Smell is so important.

I couldn't be around someone, much less share a bed🤢.

He sounds awful and he really doesn't think much of you.

Move on OP.

He's never going to be an attractive bet.

God I couldn’t stand this! As you said, apart from anything else it’s disrespectful to you in expecting you to just stick with him without any effort on his part. It’s actually turned my stomach the idea of getting into bed with someone filthy. My husband fried chicken yesterday evening and had a ‘double shower’ ie washed himself twice in the same shower, before bed. Does he wash his hands after being in the toilet and before/after making food? Is he a lazy pig in other ways, does he help with your child and around the house?

I would leave him both for the personal hygiene issue, and the horrible attitude when you raised it with him.

its strange that it started only 2 years ago. Did something in your relationship change then? It sounds like a passive aggressive reaction. One of my friends dads had a bad time at work and then went on to have sex addiction behaviour (very odd) her mother began to comfort eat and became very overweight (morbidly obese i think) in a short time (clearly not very functional dynamics here!) my friend theorised that her mum was never going to leave her dad (religiou and financial reasons) but was trying to make herself unattractive to him to deal with him. All very cod psychology, but there could be some truth in it.

Why are you dealing with his dirty clothes?

Because that's the way we choose to divide up jobs in our house. Particularly when he's out of the house for 12+ hours and I work from home part time and with no children to take care of either.

It may not work for everyone but we manage fine thanks

well, you threatened to leave and then didn't.

You need to be blunt, and then leave.

I love you, but I can't live with the smell. Normal people shower daily or every 2 days. Normal people wash their hair regularly. Normal people brush their teeth regularly, normal people wear clean clothes.
You said you don't have to make an effort because you have me, but you can only keep me by making an effort.
You haven't made an effort, and now you have lost me. So, move out. The condition for you moving back in, is that you address your hygiene issues.

And dont'accept him saying he will change, he leaves, then proves he has chanegd then moves bakc under trial, and if at any point he reverts to crappy behaviour, he leaves.

No yanbu my DP started doing the same thing Bout 6 months ago not showering for two weeks but claiming he washed in the sink never brushed his teeth or put his clothes in the wash I told him straight I'm sick of living with a tramp it's disgusting smarten yourself up or don't bloody come near me again, he's showering shaving much more often now and getting his hair cut, brushing his teeth daily. It's absolutely disgusting especially when they expect you to have sex with them sweaty bollocks no chance mate!!

He doesn’t make any meals. He doesn’t do laundry, he doesn’t make beds, he’ll only hoover if he’s asked, and even then it’ll be “yeah, in a minute”. He constantly forgets to bathe DC when I’m working, constantly forgets to help DC with homework. When I pull him up on it i just get “well DC didn’t want a bath. DC was being silly. It was too late to bath DC. We forgot to do DCs homework” so just excuses constantly.
No he doesn’t work hard. He’s only working at the place where he is now because I applied for it for him. He lost his previous job because he kept calling in sick. He was unemployed for 18 months while DC was a baby which meant I had to get a cleaning job to get by, and he was unemployed for 6 months between last job and current job. He knows that he can fuck around and I’ll be there picking up the pieces.
What I don’t understand is that I’m quite attractive! I get a lot of male attention, and P always says how attracted he is to me, how he’s “punching” etc. If he feels that way then he’s got a very funny way of showing it!!!

Ugh that is grim. Just absolutely disgusting. Haven’t read further than the OP, but no, you’re definitely would not be unreasonable to leave! I’m amazed you’re still with him. I could not live with, love or respect a healthy, well man who needs to be reminded to brush his teeth and keep clean! Barring extenuating circumstances, of course.

My DP was a bit like this when we met. He didnt use deodrant or brush teeth often as he should etc. I told him a good few times to do it, said it was not good or attractive, and he started. Now r he has been normally clean for years. He wanted to listen and changed. So it is possible if they want to do it. If they don't then they are actively choosing not to. That would be a deal breaker for me, not just cos it's gross but due to the lack of respect or consideration for me.

The last time we spoke about this I said if he didn’t change then I’d be leaving him as I find it insulting to me and it’s gross. He agreed, said “point taken”, and carried on his slobbish ways.

But you didn’t and so he hasn’t.

I would have been off some time ago.

So you are basically his parent while dirty man child lolls around getting smellier. How revolting.

Wow, where did you find this steamboat?

Yuck. 8 days? And in this heat?

Great advice from steppemum. You need to stop picking the pieces up and basically parenting him, and kick him out until he proves he can keep himself clean. You're not his mum.

Give him a shock and chuck him out. It's really gross, and he's acting like a child.

Dreamboat

Oh just leave him. Just do it. He does not give two fucks about you and sees you as a thing he owns that picks up after him and he can wipe his feet on. 🤮