To seriously consider leaving “D”P because his hygiene is atrocious?

[Zeldamarioandkong]

Just that really.
He hasn’t showered for 8 days. 8. No depression, just a lazy shit of a man. Has to be reminded daily to brush his teeth, if I don’t tell him, it doesn’t get done. He works in an office so I highly doubt it hasn’t gone unnoticed. Sick to bloody death of living with a man child. We have 1 DC and have been together 10+ years, luckily we aren’t married. I can’t live the rest of my life with a disgusting hobbit who doesn’t respect me or himself enough to wash daily.
I’m a very clean person, like to keep a tidy home and look/smell nice. This disgusting behaviour really does trigger me and makes me feel physically sick. And no, I’m not having sex with him. Couldn’t think of anything worse at the moment, with this heat I dread to think of the state his ‘area’ is in
Pissed off and fed up. What should I do? Should I try and make it work and hope he changes, or cut my losses and make arrangements to leave him.

My ex was exactly like this. He would wear socks repeatedly until I ‘caught’ him, would have to be reminded to brush teeth and was a total slob around the house. I never got to the bottom of it, but I suspect it was a way of winding me up, as he knew it disgusted me. Could this be what your ‘d’p is doing?
Is it his way of exerting control or rebelling against your hygienic ways?

Thing is you can’t smell yourself. He sounds a bit thick and possibly a bit depressed. But he does need to wake up up if he wants to keep you. Tell him again. If he doesn’t listen, move on.

Op are you sure there is no depression I have severe depression and when I’m really bad I can go 2 weeks without a shower because I feel that bad that I just neglect myself and the house but it’s not my fault it’s just how I’m feeling and I have just enough strength in me to look after my animals. Maybe get your dp to go to the gp but if he really doesn’t have depression and he’s just being lazy then leave him because he will never change.

The last time we spoke about this I said if he didn’t change then I’d be leaving him as I find it insulting to me and it’s gross
You haven't followed through on this.
He has had no consequences. Why would he change? He knows he doesn't need to. You'll just put up with it!

I just really cannot understand why he’s like this, and why he thinks it’s acceptable?!
As above - You enable it. It won't change.

Thank you Soo much. God(ess) give me strength.xx

Sometimes it is just laziness. My uncle is a smelly fecker, he thinks one wash a week under duress is enough, he is not depressed, he has a large building company, plenty of interests, but stinks to high heaven, he thinks it was fine to still only have a weekly wash, his DW said he has always had one 5 minute shower a week. = puke.
I think if your DP was to depressed to wash it would be very obvious as he would be showing lots of depressive signs by that stage.

OP I've caught up on the thread since yesterday, I actually feel like going to your home and dragging this smelly pig out the ear for you.
Even if he wasn't stinking, he is a petty excuse for a man, he is making your life much harder than it needs to be.

Ltb!

You should not have to put up with this, it is utterly disgusting! but I have to say he sounds like a very depressed man, things like this don't just happen randomly because of laziness, if he is getting up to go to work do things for you around the house when you ask him then he isn't completely lazy is he?, if he was ok for the first 8 years of your relationship then surely that's a warning sign?, there doesn't have to be any big event or reason for depression.

Have you tried talking to him about his feelings with out calling him horrible names?, suggest he goes and speaks to his GP.

Maybe the reason he showered twice for the stag do is he wanted to smell good for the stripper? I know that sounds terrible and insensitive but that's what crossed my mind unfortunately

Oh my god, horrendous.

I shower every other day as I have excema but I wash the important bits every day with a flannel, no way I could kiss my husband if he was like yours! If he's not prepared to listen to your feelings over this then you really should follow through on your ultimatum before you end up hating him

Sadly my eldest son is a bit like this. He has depression and when we mention his personal hygiene, he gets very offended. He doesnt notice or perhaps just doesnt care enough. If you ever loved this man, perhaps try and get him to talk about this rather the symptoms of a possible condition. Just saying. He may in fact need help. Good luck.

Tbh even if it is depression he needs to listen to you and if he's not it's completely ok to not want to live with someone who won't address something so basic. Even in a psychiatric hospital patients need to shower and attend to self care,the staff don't just give them a free pass because they're depressed, they are expected to engage in self care as part of getting better.

If must be awful to have to repeatedly tell an adult to get washed, or change their socks and underwear. = puke

SunshineCake Thank you - I understand and agree but feel helpless (am ashamed to admit). He refuses to leave - tells me I should go as HE 'paid' for our house (!!) Before we met and until firstborn was 6 weeks old, he'd NEVER had a job - & he was almost 30!! I'd worked all my adult life (and 'Saturday' jobs as a teen) and consistently once firstborn was 2 and between and after having three more children - I HAD to as he'd lost jobs (was sacked) through his own stupid fault so I think I have contributed enough to pay for this house. When he did finally find a job he kept (for about 18 years), my wage went on the children's clothes/shoes etc and what was left, on hiring people to do jobs around the house that he could have done himself when unemployed but didn't 'cos he thought dropping the kids off at school of a morning (I'd pick them up after work) and cooking the evening meal was enough. I had to give up work 7yrs ago care for my mother. As a consequence, housework slipped, my 'routine' out the window (thought I might get his help during this time - ha!) and now am overwhelmed: doors & drawers missing from the kitchen, damp and mould in almost every room, wallpaper peeling in the hall etc etc. I have socially isolated myself inasmuch as we no longer invite friends round (I'm too ashamed). Ill-health means I can no longer climb a ladder to redecorate etc (and now have no wage to pay for help), so keeping the place clean/tidy (he's a hoarder & v messy) is v difficult - even hoovering now wears me out. He retired 18months ago and I assumed we'd then pull together to sort the house but no - I see him even LESS as he leaves the house about 8am and often doesn't return until mid evening every single day, doing 'voluntary work' (in various places, not just where we live, but travelling out of town). At weekends he'll leave at 10am and not get back until 7ish as he's been 'doing the shopping' (he controls the finances). If I complain, or ask why we don't go out/do shopping together, he says it's because of my nagging. When I say I wouldn't 'nag' if he just helped/we worked together/shared the chores, he says "Don't start" and gets angry. Once he IS home, he cooks the (often v late) evening meal (I can cook - I'd much rather he'd tackle the jobs I now can't), goes into another room, puts his feet up and almost immediately falls asleep in front of the TV. He wakes hours later and then goes straight to 'our' (?!) bedroom where the floor covered in his clothes/books/papers (It stinks 'cos when we still shared a room/bed and I complained, he told me he'd do his own laundry. That was two years ago and he hasn't - he's not even changed the sheets), without even saying Goodnight. I'm at the end of my tether and on the days I feel able to leave the house, dread returning. I often meet up with 'new' acquaintances (who have never been to this house and have no idea of my 'situation'), for drinks and now, often not going home until mid-evening myself. I feel why should I go back to that empty mess. Our grown up children adore him, only remembering that it was HIM who took them to school/cooked their meals/attended school events/etc - forgetting that it was because it was ME who had to work and when I DID have the time to go with them to the cinema/panto or whatever, money was SO tight I felt as long as they could go, I couldn't justify the extra expense by going too. They'd never forgive me if I left him. I couldn't bear that. Sorry for the moan but can't offload to my friends as even they think the sun shines out of his butt (they don't ever see his other side)as, as I said previously: he's a good man - just not with me.

As he's only been like this roughly 18 months, did anything happen to make him no longer care? He said he doesn't need to make and effort as you have a child together and I doubt he actually thinks you'll leave. Whose house is it? You can't leave if the house in in your name or even joint names as he will have the upper hand and he probably knows it. You're not going to make yourself homeless.

Why don't you sit down and have a really open honest kind chat with no anger, no insults just kindness and probe.... May e he is struggling with things you know nothing about. However as I him him he would feel if it was you who didn't wash for 8 days, what would he think, how would he feel, what would he do if you let yourself go?

@gymraes I am sorry it sounds very tough.
OP if it is relatively new, well 18 months but not how he always was, maybe he is depressed.
Can you have a heart to heart.

Wow his attitude to you is so disrespectful that you need to leave anyway! Why have you stuck it so long?
I think its 10 years too many. Get rid!

I'm boaking at the thought of sleeping in the same bed as anyone who hasn't washed for EIGHT DAYS!!!

grim!

So, he's:

• very unhygienic
• lazy at self care, child care and home care
• not interested in any communication with you unless he's getting something selfish out if it
• not affectionate or intimate
• so arrogant & obnoxious he doesn't think he should have to impress you any more
• got zero respect for you or your marriage
• got gambling problems and previously gambled away the money that kept a roof over your head
• unable to hold down a job for more than a few months

Christ on a bike! I'm failing to see why you're even asking if you should LTB. Its bloody obvious...

He sounds like a filthy slob. LTB. You can do much better, someone who respects you and themselves.

No no no just dump him. Sorry but yuk

I hope no-one outside the family home notices, as I would fear comments being made to your DC perhaps at school, as children can be very cruel about anyone thought to be smelly.