Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To seriously consider leaving “D”P because his hygiene is atrocious?

273 replies

Zeldamarioandkong · 06/07/2019 11:02

Just that really.
He hasn’t showered for 8 days. 8. No depression, just a lazy shit of a man. Has to be reminded daily to brush his teeth, if I don’t tell him, it doesn’t get done. He works in an office so I highly doubt it hasn’t gone unnoticed. Sick to bloody death of living with a man child. We have 1 DC and have been together 10+ years, luckily we aren’t married. I can’t live the rest of my life with a disgusting hobbit who doesn’t respect me or himself enough to wash daily.
I’m a very clean person, like to keep a tidy home and look/smell nice. This disgusting behaviour really does trigger me and makes me feel physically sick. And no, I’m not having sex with him. Couldn’t think of anything worse at the moment, with this heat I dread to think of the state his ‘area’ is in Angry
Pissed off and fed up. What should I do? Should I try and make it work and hope he changes, or cut my losses and make arrangements to leave him.

OP posts:
tolerable · 07/07/2019 20:11

have you tried ring a bell and yelling "unclean"if he walks in a room?..sorry its not funny.I've had some twisted wee fkcu ups of men,but never a ming-pot. not everybody does "smell"i suppose.does he?or are you just aware hes not washed?not that it makes much difference.
break it down.a)if he was clean\showered daily would the rest-all be good?
if you turn shower on or run a bath and say"go in it"will he?
whats dtd

Nearly47 · 07/07/2019 20:12

Start by kicking him ou of your bedroom so he will see you are serious about it. Don't nag him to shower. Just tell him. You are not coming into my clean bed if you don't shower. Don't negotiate. Every other day, etc. Shower every day or sleep on the floor/ sofa, shed. I wouldn't put up with it.

Snog · 07/07/2019 20:15

Don't let him sleep in your bed

ethelfleda · 07/07/2019 20:23

OP, I clicked on here expecting it to be a MN ‘if you don’t shower every 20 minutes you’re gross’ but this is beyond the pale. How vile. You poor thing.

Feelingquitewarm · 07/07/2019 20:30

Poor you OP. I can’t believe people choose to live like this.

Ohfuckinghellwhatnow · 07/07/2019 20:48

Oh just pack your bags, or his, what a fkg minger. My ex (notice "Ex") once didn't shower the whole of one Xmas as he said it "was a treat" to himself!? He got up off a chair and I could smell a vile smell... It was from the bum of his trackie bottoms 🤮 Apparently my dad was like your DP, that's why my mum booted him out. Your DP (like my ex) has his woman, he doesn't have to try anymore in his eyes. He's bone idle filthy lazy dobbed, a grown man does not need telling when to clean himself, wtf is that about? Ultimatum or leave, you can do better. Good luck x

Booyahkasha · 07/07/2019 20:53

We're talking fungus bleugh!!! Wash or ditch him, not even joking!

Fishfingersandwichplease · 07/07/2019 20:53

You deserve better than this scumbag!

beanaseireann · 07/07/2019 21:00

OP you say "I just cannot understand why he is like this, and why he thinks it's acceptable."

I cannot understand why you're still with him.
He stinks, is unhygienic, doesn't help with his child or housework.

Am I missing something ? Hmm

AFistfulofDolores1 · 07/07/2019 21:02

OP - the possible psychology behind his actions is both interesting and revealing ... because while he says he's now got you, what he's actually doing unconsciously is sending you very clear "fuck off" vibes. In other words, there's a part of him that is thoroughly invested in sabotaging your relationship. That will come from his childhood and likely the very same thing that led to his gambling addiction, and his inability to hold down a job. He sabotages everything; and at the bottom of this is a profound lack of self-esteem and self-worth.

Thing is, he's the only one who can do anything about it. What you can do is to stop doing this dance with him, and change your environment immediately - by leaving.

Flowers
flowergrrl77 · 07/07/2019 21:27

Have you thought of seeing how much a live in nanny is?

Maybe look into seeing if an au pair might work? So someone else is responsible in the house overnight whilst you’re working?

GL!

nuxe1984 · 07/07/2019 21:27

Good grief woman! Grow a bloody backbone, he's walking all over you! You keep making ultimatums and then not carrying them out. And I'm assuming that when he showers and then wants sex you oblige? No wonder he doesn't change anything … he's got you right where he wants you.

First thing is to move out of the bedroom. If you don't have aa spare room then stick a mattress in with DC and sleep in there. And tell DH that if he doesn't change his hygiene habits then the next step will be both of you moving out permanently.

And if he comes back with the retort … I've already got you so why should I bother, tell him that no, he hasn't "got" you. That he doesn't own you and that what attracted him to you in the first place needs to be maintained otherwise you'll lose interest …. if you haven't already.

ShowMeTheKittens · 07/07/2019 21:45

How disgusting. My ex husband stunk. He was filthy, untidy and had horrible habits like never cleaning the loo and leaving it stinking (tbh it smelled like something had died in there)When I finally got through to him about his personal hygiene , he had an affair.

katseyes7 · 07/07/2019 21:48

My ex husband once had a week off work, and didn't wash, shower or shave the entire time. Still expected sex, though.
lt didn't happen.
Just one of the reasons he's now an ex. lt's dirty and totally unreasonable to think this is ok.

LellyMcKelly · 07/07/2019 21:55

8 days in this heat? Jeez, there must be mushrooms growing on his knob. I’m glad you’re making plans. I hope you get out of there soon so you and your kids can live a happier and cleaner life.

BlueJava · 07/07/2019 22:07

Wow Yanbu! That's shocking! My DP has 2 showers a day and I always have 1 sometimes 2 if its hot. He sounds shocking and i dont think he will cha ge from what you say. I personally would leave over this mostly because I couldnt stomach it!

Queenioqueenio · 07/07/2019 22:13

I used to work with someone who didn’t shower or wash their hair for days and days at a time. I can honestly say I fucking hated them for it. I used to heave when they moved past me as they kind of disturbed the air and created a stronger smell. They made the office stink even after they’d left the room, the oily dirty smell just hung around.
It was just so disrespectful to the rest of us.

WhamBamThankyouHam · 07/07/2019 22:16

As if the Hygiene situation isn't enough reason to leave him, this is really awful in my opinion:

He constantly forgets to bathe DC when I’m working, constantly forgets to help DC with homework. When I pull him up on it i just get “well DC didn’t want a bath. DC was being silly. It was too late to bath DC. We forgot to do DCs homework” so just excuses constantly

Whosorrynow · 07/07/2019 22:23

@gymraes you deserve so much better, I hope you can find it in yourself to make a change, to escape

Zoflorabore · 07/07/2019 22:34

Op this is awful.

I had to chuckle though as read a comment on page 3 of the thread as "he's not a hood peasant"

I'm presuming he doesn't expect oral?

It sounds as though your relationship is dead.
You deserve to be with someone who makes an effort for you and wants to appear at their best. You're an attractive woman, don't put up with this any longer Flowers

Zoflorabore · 07/07/2019 22:34

Good peasant ffs

EarlyModernParent · 07/07/2019 22:45

It doesn’t matter why he does it
Or whether he is depressed
There is no need for you to understand it (though I completely get you wanting to)
The only pertinent question is “is this how you want to live, and your children to live?”
Because if you don’t, you must leave
He isn’t going to change

TheNoodlesIncident · 07/07/2019 22:55

... the fact he’ll only speak to me if he’s angling for something...

This speaks volumes on top of everything else. You deserve better than this and further, your DC deserves better than this. To be honest, even if your DP started showering and brushing teeth etc, it wouldn't be enough - the total disrespect for you and for your child would have killed the relationship stone dead for me. There's no coming back from this. The pp who suggested your DP is sabotaging his life has a point - who could act like this knowing they were making extremely poor choices that could/would lead to job loss, relationship loss, destitution, all-round misery...?

Makemeaname · 07/07/2019 22:56

Does he have a sense of smell? Obviously wouldn't excuse the not washing but might explain it a bit.

My housemate at uni went out with A guy for a while who had health issues which meant he couldn't perceive smells. He stank. She had to tell him to have a shower, because he genuinely couldn't tell that he needed to. But at least he did wash when reminded.

Makemeaname · 07/07/2019 22:57

But regardless, you're clearly not happy in this relationship and he doesn't seem to respect you enough to listen and do as you ask, So I would end it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread