To think some people don’t understand what it’s like to have zero family support

[Ironandwhine1]

As the title says , I have seen it here and on numerous occasions experienced it in RL.
I have lots and lots of family, I come from a very large family. I have 3 pretty young dcs. Not once has a single family member offered to have my kids, neither of my parents has ever gone for a walk or to the playground etc with me and the kids. My single sister visits regularly but times it so she comes down an hour before bedtime and leaves when she gets up. She also arranged to go out where we live and never offers for me and my husband to go out. The one time I asked her to babysit (in 7 years), we went out for the day for 4 hours and she made a reference to “milking it”.
Bizarrely they talk a lot about family and the importance of family when in reality I rarely see them and when we do it is strictly a half hour coffee while literally just looking at the kids. BTW it’s not just about babysitting, I guess it’s also about wanting to be with me and the kids for a bit but nothing. It’s always dressed up as not wanting to interfere but when I had an infection recently in my wisdom tooth I would love if someone had interfered as I had to take my youngest and middle into the dentists and it was all just grim tbh... It just seems so different for people we know in RL.
Me and my dh do get babysitters but find that a lot of the time it’s pre Uni kids and obviously when they go to university or get a job they move on. Also generally it’s very difficult to get someone for ad hoc stuff .
I just feel frustrated and sad when I see it suggested here and in RL ; “get the grandparents over, can’t understand people who never take a break from their kids” etc. etc Do people really not understand? At the moment we can’t find a suitable babysitter, it’s 10 pounds an hour where we live ( not Uk ) so you’re talking a very expensive night out or walk etc . Or I had a particularly difficult baby and toddler while never, ever slept and was told to “get granny and family to help out”, they all knew I was massively struggling and did absolutely nothing.
Just a thought for people who think that some parents are trying to martyr themselves

That actually wasn't the reason I did it.

It's what your post implied which is why I said it was grossly offensive. I stand by that.

Also, able bodied doesn't mean not disabled. It means not physically disabled.

Ah so my two degrees and chartership should have told me not to have a disabled child, how stupid of me.

You're not helping.

@Ironandwhine1 I totally get where you're coming from, I'm in the same situation. Except that my DM looks after my DSis DC at least once a week, usually for the entire day, and never ever offers to look after mine. Though of course if you ask she's heavily involved with all her grandkids

But to be honest.. they're my kids, mine and DPs responsibility, not hers so I can't have any expectation that she or my DF will do any childcare for me.

Of course it is upsetting that she clearly favours my sisters kids over mine and I'm jealous that DSis gets so much more help than me (my mum has looked after my DC for literally 10 mins between me leaving for work and DP getting home and it was like I'd asked her to paint the Sistine chapel) but I've just come to accept it and try not to think about it.

I live in London so Babysitter's here at £10 minimum and actually DP and I haven't been out once together since DC were born as we've not really got the chance.

As rose tinted as it sounds I just focus on how lucky we are to have healthy lovely children, a place to live, jobs, that we can just about to afford to get by. And every now and again I have a massive moan to DP about how unfair it is that we get no help and I feel a bit better

"This is an easy way to give you a good idea of the kind of work it involves and whether you're suited to it."

You do know they are all different don't you. A child aged 4 can be very different to the same child aged 14.

You think it's grossly offensive to suggest people try to get an idea of what raising children - all kinds of children - is like before deciding if they want them?

No, I think it's grossly offensive to suggest that playing at looking after children with disabilities gave you anything like a clue of the reality.

I work with young adults with disabilities, and the amount of CV garnishers who swoop in for a look and a half arsed attempt at the job before fucking off to "better things" without a thought for the service users or the impact on their lives absolutely enrages me.

If you're not committed to being there for the people with disabilities, please don't bother at all. They're not a life lesson or a learning curve.

Societal norms?

What?

I know what you mean.

First place with children everyone was in the same boat and willing to help others out.

Moved to a place where everyone had family and it no one seemed to understand. School and dentist and the after-school care with first primary were helpful and understanding GP, HV.MW hospitals even children centre were unhelpful and frequently told me off and refused to believe our situation.

It’s easier getting easier now the kids are older, but I did feel bitter for a while.

It also seems go hand in hand with family both mine and DH sabotaging any alone time we did manage with constant phone calls and very much frowned upon me doing a rare night out or studying or doing anything really that wasn’t about DH or the kids.

It was also annoying people who had help or even lots of help conplaining to me about not having more. Though even our case we were aware others had it even harder.

@SkaTastic I'm sorry you lost such great people in your in- laws, they sounded caring and loving. I can't think of a word strong enough (that I would choose to use) to describe what cancer does and what it is as a disease.

Yes, you would imagine it would be the time for the "lights to switch on" on just how important people are, how precious time is with those people and to appreciate everything we have. It definitely completely changed my whole mindset of what is actually important.

I'm genuinely sorry you mother doesn't see that and is missing (what I believe is ) such a great privilege of being an active grandparent.

It is amazing how resilient and strong we become as parents, I hope you are kind to yourself and recognise the good job we do as parents 💐💐

I don't want a load of experience seekers disrupting my severely autistic teenager's life thank you.

I get it op, we have no support at all and only one friend has ever offered to help, but she has a demanding job and kids of her own.
The realisation for me was when we got married and despite over a hundred people being at the wedding, everyone had a reason as to why they couldn’t have our dd on our wedding night (even the ones staying in the same hotel). We have been married for 6 years next weekend and had one night alone in the whole 11 years we’ve been together. When I had our youngest dd I spoke to a group of friends about how I’d need someone to look after our eldest when I gave birth, not a single offer of help, when I said I’d probably have to go in my own without my husband I got a lot of ‘oh that’s a shame but you’ll have the midwife’

We are a family of 6 with absolutely no outside support. All our friends have family networks they can and do rely on. We've offered to go on holidays together and share/swap childcare etc but they don't bite. I'd be more than willing to watch all 10-15kids on my own for two hours alone with DH once a year. Our family relationships all broke down after DC1 was born. Various alcoholics you wouldn't trust with a goldfish much less a child.

We're alone in the world, haven't been on a date for 9 years. I don't mind it. DC4 will be old enough to leave at home in 13 years or so. Unless we can suddenly afford a nanny I can't see us having time apart from our kids until they're in their late teens I don't mind, but I do get frustrated when friends ask us out together and we have to keep explaining every time. We have two with high functioning ASD so not like we could just call a babysitter in.

ds(15) has never really spent any time with family without me there, I have no problem with that and have never felt resentful, they have their own full lives and things to do. I was very close to their children and took them out lots, but always when it suited me. I think part of it is they all did the baby/toddler thing much younger than me and are now at different stages.

Wanting your family to be close to your kids/take them out (at their convenience) and being there to pick up for the slack for day to day stuff/providing babysitting are two very different things. The first would be nice but if it is not there you can't force it. The latter is not ever their responsibility and YABVU to feel resentful.

It can be fine while being difficult too though. Do I wish my kids had less needs, that I could have a bit more freedom if they could access regular childcare etc, that I didn’t find them exhausting sometimes... yeah.

Doesn’t mean I’d rather have tested myself looking after disabled kids pre TTC and decided not to have them “just in case” though, because then I wouldn’t have them, and I might be exhausted but they are wonderful, funny, kind, quirky people. So that really is “fine”.

We are allowed to find something bloody hard work without regretting it.

Maybe neither my DH and I shouldn’t have married each other either, if we had wanted to avoid the possibility of ending up with a disabled spouse to care for.

Thing is, theyre YOUR kids. Other people's kids are hard work. You cant talk properly, have to watch them constantly and tbh it's crap. I wouldnt ever offer to babysit so a married couple could go out, its a bit of a pisstake. You can go out separately so you do have support and freedom. If you were a single mum with no break, people would offer more. Likewise if you had stopped at 1.
I get its nice for other people bit i think expecting others to watch 3 very young DC is too much-ypu planned them close together, if its hard for you dont expect others to do it. Find friends instead and take turns.

Please ignore the awful grammar in that post 😳

Theres a lot of entitlement from the married people on here. Why would other people want to facilitate your 'date nights' or 'nights alone'?
Ugh.

I rang my (retired) parent and asked them to please please have the kid but they wouldnt so I lost my job.

That is terrible, @SkaTastic, really awful.

Theres a lot of entitlement from the married people on here. Why would other people want to facilitate your 'date nights' or 'nights alone'?
Ugh.

Cause its nice to do nice things for people, help them out, give them a break etc. Relationships are important and need care and attention.

Theres a lot of entitlement from the married people on here. Why would other people want to facilitate your 'date nights' or 'nights alone'?

Huh. In the real world, friends and family members do nice things for each other, as favours. You might have heard of this strange custom. Then there’s also the fact that grandparents may actually want to spend time with their grandchildren, and give their child a bit of respite. If any of my parent friends didn’t have family to help, I’d offer to babysit without hesitation or expectation of the favour being returned as I know how hard it is.

My sister has babysat for us twice, on our birthdays last year. She doesn’t have kids so I can’t offer to babysit for them. I have helped her out in various other ways as, you know, she’s my sister.

A friend of mine came and babysat on our anniversary so we could go out for dinner - she knew we were having a brutal time with our boys with endless tests, appointments, etc so she wanted to help out. She has lots of family to help her so she and her partner go on city breaks every other month, and she empathises that we have no help. She doesn’t need babysitting so I’ve returned the favour in other ways.

I’d never expect anyone to look after our kids so we could go out for dinner. The couple of times someone has made a genuine offer, I’ve massively appreciated it.

Relationships are important and need care and attention
It's not like facilitating a child to have friends though is it? Two adults who choose to have kids should be able to rely on each other during those years without someone having to watch the kids so they can 'nurture their marriage'-it's nowhere like the needs of a single parent is it?

And yes it might be 'nice' but in reality youre wanting free childcare for something unnecessary. Hospital stays etc are totally different of course. Op is moaning noone offers, thats different to having zero support-she has a husband.