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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think some people don’t understand what it’s like to have zero family support

309 replies

Ironandwhine1 · 06/07/2019 08:34

As the title says , I have seen it here and on numerous occasions experienced it in RL.
I have lots and lots of family, I come from a very large family. I have 3 pretty young dcs. Not once has a single family member offered to have my kids, neither of my parents has ever gone for a walk or to the playground etc with me and the kids. My single sister visits regularly but times it so she comes down an hour before bedtime and leaves when she gets up. She also arranged to go out where we live and never offers for me and my husband to go out. The one time I asked her to babysit (in 7 years), we went out for the day for 4 hours and she made a reference to “milking it”.
Bizarrely they talk a lot about family and the importance of family when in reality I rarely see them and when we do it is strictly a half hour coffee while literally just looking at the kids. BTW it’s not just about babysitting, I guess it’s also about wanting to be with me and the kids for a bit but nothing. It’s always dressed up as not wanting to interfere but when I had an infection recently in my wisdom tooth I would love if someone had interfered as I had to take my youngest and middle into the dentists and it was all just grim tbh... It just seems so different for people we know in RL.
Me and my dh do get babysitters but find that a lot of the time it’s pre Uni kids and obviously when they go to university or get a job they move on. Also generally it’s very difficult to get someone for ad hoc stuff .
I just feel frustrated and sad when I see it suggested here and in RL ; “get the grandparents over, can’t understand people who never take a break from their kids” etc. etc Do people really not understand? At the moment we can’t find a suitable babysitter, it’s 10 pounds an hour where we live ( not Uk ) so you’re talking a very expensive night out or walk etc . Or I had a particularly difficult baby and toddler while never, ever slept and was told to “get granny and family to help out”, they all knew I was massively struggling and did absolutely nothing.
Just a thought for people who think that some parents are trying to martyr themselves

OP posts:
Sockwomble · 07/07/2019 18:02

Unless they have professional training they wouldn't be in any help to me. If they are with us because they are learning what it is like they wouldn't be any help to me.

MirriVan · 07/07/2019 18:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 07/07/2019 18:20

@MNHQ are you going to do anything?

Baiting the parents of disabled children is a new low, even for MN.

rediswater · 07/07/2019 18:30

I think it would be a very strange organisation that sent untrained staff) volunteers to help in such a situation.

Um, welcome to Britain.

Sockwomble · 07/07/2019 18:36

I can't work out whether it is a goady fucker or someone with a total lack of awareness.

Either way they are incredibly arrogant to think they know better about what is required than a parent with years of experience.

SinkGirl · 07/07/2019 19:15

Why wouldn't a parent want someone else to know what it was like though?

Unbelievable. Our kids are not your learning experience. They are not lessons, or cautionary tales.

And spending a couple of hours with us here and there wouldn’t give you the first idea “what it’s like” (as if parenting a disabled child is a universal experience you can try on for a day).

InTheHeatofLisbon · 07/07/2019 19:22

Unbelievable. Our kids are not your learning experience. They are not lessons, or cautionary tales.

This. And it's the implication of this that winds me up.

One of the service users I support is non verbal, it's taken me weeks of quietly being in the same room (with his core support worker), not forcing interaction of any kind and letting him observe me and get to know me his way before deciding I was someone he could trust and he initiated interaction.

I did it that way because it's not about me, it's about him and what he needed from me.

Disabled people aren't something to be picked up and dropped on a whim, or treated like animals at a petting zoo. Disabled people are every bit as much part of society as you are and should be afforded the same respect and courtesy as you'd treat any other stranger with.

That way my objection. And still is.

I don't believe the faux ignorance for one second, it's been spelled out time and time again and yet nothing changes.

So the only conclusion I can draw is that you're somehow enjoying it.

SinkGirl · 07/07/2019 19:32

Exactly. I was reluctant as it is to accept a Homestart volunteer as I worry about what will happen at the end of six months if they’ve formed a bond with this person and then she disappears. They don’t have many adults they are close to, they’re struggle with interaction generally (another reason we could do with MIL actually spending time with them at some point, they don’t even know who she is).

My kids are bloody awesome, and the idea that someone would come in here to “help” and leave thinking they better not have kids in case they end up with kids like mine... the thought of it makes me feel sick.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 07/07/2019 19:36

SinkGirl I completely get it.

I resisted help for so long after one bad experience, and it took a long time for me to trust anyone around my kids. It's been one ASN youth worker who has patiently spent months building up trust with both me and DS1 for it to become something that works for him.

Just dipping in and out is utterly impractical and in reality impossible. There has to be some level of commitment before you even start ffs. It's why I chose my job, because although I've always got more to learn (and always will) I already understood the need to make a commitment and put the people I was working for (because it is the service users I answer to first) first and their needs as priority.

Hithere12 · 07/07/2019 20:05

I could say that having a partner who needs as much if not more care/management than the kids can be tougher than having a NRP who is engaged with their kids lives and takes them for weekends/part weeks etc

Sorry what 😳 if any woman is going out with a manbaby like this they need to get rid ASAP.

Hithere12 · 07/07/2019 20:10

MirriVan

Can you just stop posting? What you’re saying is very goads and not nice for people with disabled kids to hear. I don’t have disabled children and I’m finding what you’re saying not nice.

mathanxiety · 07/07/2019 20:27

Why is it disablist to suggest spending time with disabled kids to see if you'd be a decent carer for them?
Mirri

Because it's not like volunteering at the cats' and dogs' home to see if pet ownership might be the thing for you but you are suggesting it is.

SinkGirl · 07/07/2019 20:28

Sorry what 😳 if any woman is going out with a manbaby like this they need to get rid ASAP.

I think the PP who said this was talking about her disabled partner

mathanxiety · 07/07/2019 20:30

Oh my god. You CHOSE to have kids. It’d be like me choosing to buy ten Great Danes and then whinging that my friends won’t look after my ten dogs.
Hithere

Are the grandparents, aunts and uncles who live within hailing distance but who are not helping out close relatives of the babies and children and parents they are shunning?

Are they close relatives of dogs you choose to bring into your life?

SinkGirl · 07/07/2019 21:00

Is it really difficult to understand the difference between discussing the fact that it’s difficult parenting without a good support network, and “whinging” that friends wont help out?

I’d never expect friends to help out with my kids. I don’t expect it from family either (although I am saddened by the lack of interest from our families apart from my DSis, but I’m always beyond grateful when she offers any help). Acknowledging how fucking hard it is, is not the same as feeling entitled to help or moaning that you’re not getting it.

Earlier this week I had a pretty serious emotional breakdown. The difficulties of raising two disabled toddlers, juggling six consultants, countless therapies, applying for things they’re entitled to, trying to do SALT and OT when I have training in neither and can’t focus on just one, poor sleep, early mornings, chicken pox and infections etc etc... it all broke me, but what pushed me over the edge was trying to have a few hours together at the cinema and being called to pick one up from nursery for a bogus reason.

Are there people who have it harder? Of course there are. Does that make the deterioration of my mental health any less real? Knowing other people have it harder doesn’t make it any easier.

LivingInLaputa · 07/07/2019 21:55

I was reluctant as it is to accept a Homestart volunteer as I worry about what will happen at the end of six months if they’ve formed a bond with this person and then she disappears.

Yep that happened to us. We were just a stepping stone to a proper job.

LivingInLaputa · 07/07/2019 21:58

Sorry what 😳 if any woman is going out with a manbaby like this they need to get rid ASAP.

As a PP said I’m pretty sure they were referring to a partner with a disability not a manbaby

LivingInLaputa · 07/07/2019 22:03

Sink I hear you Thanks

HermioneMakepeace · 07/07/2019 22:04

I hear you OP. We moved thousands of miles to be closer to PIL as we wanted our DC to have grandparents in their lives. We never see them! In spite of living 10 mins up the road, they never bother. We have had to ask them for help in emergencies a couple of times and my God do they begrudge us! Wish we'd never come here. We are completely isolated, just me, DH and the 2 DC. So sad.

I met a lady in the park last week who came from a big Greek family. She was telling me about how they spend every weekend together and I just started crying Sad.

Hithere12 · 07/07/2019 22:57

Are the grandparents, aunts and uncles who live within hailing distance but who are not helping out close relatives of the babies and children and parents they are shunning?

Can’t people read? I keep empathising that I am talking about friends (not family) in my posts.

Hithere12 · 07/07/2019 22:57

*emphasising

Hithere12 · 07/07/2019 22:59

I think the PP who said this was talking about her disabled partner

Oh ok I didn’t read that previous posts I thought she just meant a lazy partner

Theyroamoverhere · 07/07/2019 23:10

Not offering to babysit isn't 'shunning'

mathanxiety · 08/07/2019 01:58

If it's family, and they talk a good game on WhatsApp but never show their faces then it is shunning.

The element of my post about the difference between dogs and human beings still stands, Hithere.
I have evidently been really lucky to live in a community and in a culture where the idea that people who are virtual strangers should help each other out is not considered shocking. How could friends not offer and still consider themselves friends?

sweetkitty · 08/07/2019 02:36

I totally get it, most of what I’ve read on this thread, 4DCs and it’s just DH and I. I was lucky enough to be a SAHM for 12 years and DH can work at home a few days a week.

I had a homebirth with DD2 as there was no one to look after DD1 (despite both grandmothers being an hour away it didn’t occur to them that we might need help). I’ve had a mc and couldn’t go to hospital as DH was away and there was no one to look after 2 toddlers. When 2 yo DD3 was in hospital no one offered to help out or even visit.

No nights out or away with DH ever. Then you get the friends who say that they couldn’t stay at home being a “kept woman” whilst their parents do all their childcare for them unpaid!

Oh it’s bloody hard but it is getting easier, DD1 is 15 now and I’ll ask her to look after the others (youngest is 9 do no babies) whilst I pop out now and again.

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