To not take my high needs baby out?

[Jadefeather7]

I have a ‘high needs’ baby ie one who will fuss and cry and scream most of the time unless feeding or sleeping. He cannot be put down and mostly needs me to hold him closely and walk around with him (he often gets very upset if I sit still) He screams hysterically at normal everyday activities like nappy changes, dummy falling out, farting, being put in pram or car seat. It seems like a temperament issue to me and the HCPs that I’ve spoken to, rather than a medical one so there isn’t much we can do except for wait for him to hopefully grow out of it. As a result I rarely take him out any where. If I go for a walk he will usually start screaming in the pram after 5-10 minutes. I don’t take him to baby groups and I have been avoiding NCT meet-ups as well. He seems to get nothing out of it as he’s always upset and I get really anxious and just want to leave. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing though. Would you go out if your baby was crying and screaming most of the time?

Gosh this sounds really tough. Are you getting support? Friends and family?

My daughter has reflux and literally never stopped crying for the first few months of her life, before we got her diagnosed. I found I couldn't cope with the crying inside and so always took her out during the day. She wouldn't go in a buggy so I just put her in the baby carrier and we were both much happier once we'd left the house. She would hopefully sleep and we'd both get fresh air. Have you got a carrier or a sling? I would really advise getting one if not, and then forcing yourself outside, even if it's just for 20 mins.

Have you tried using a sling? My DS was pretty fussy and he absolutely loved the sling as it was like being carried. He’d stay happy for hours and usually go to sleep. I had both hands free to do things and could walk around pretty freely.

Otherwise I’d do whatever you’re comfortable with. I didn’t take DS out much until he was about three months old. By then I felt more comfortable in myself and my ability to look after him while out and about.

Babies are always changing so hopefully he will get easier over time (mine did).

How old is baby? Having a high needs baby is really really tough. I totally get why you would want to limit activity to things that keep him calmer and make life easier. The thing is that baby groups are not really for him, they’re for you. If you isolate yourself life will be much worse. Are there some quieter groups you can go to? Can you do some smaller group nct stuff? And lastly, have you tried baby wearing? A sling could solve a lot of your problems. My DC1 was an incredibly difficult baby (turns out he had a milk allergy which I discovered at weaning- he probably had silent reflux). But honestly, it feels like he was born pissed off and has stayed that way since. It’s hard but it will get easier

It sounds like you're very sensitive to his needs and you know him well enough to know if it's beneficial - you're doing the right thing!

The only thing would be if you start going a bit mad stuck inside all day on your own.

OP this is all about survival. You must do what you feel is best. It might do you done good to have a walk somewhere quiet for example, with your baby in a sling or just holding him if he's still tiny. Going to a cafe or baby group might be too stressful for you. Are you able to ask a family member or your partner to look after him for an hour so you can go out on your own? This sounds really tough on you. I hope the situation improves.

I do have a sling and I wear it at home so I can get stuff done around the house but I don’t find it great for going out as I’ve had backache before and my back starts to hurt after a while if I’m walking with him in it. I also don’t find it great for the hot weather we currently have.

I can understand that you feel anxious about him crying. My DS wasn’t perhaps as ‘high-needs’ as you describe but he really did not like to be put down for a while and would wail the instant he was put in a pram. I found a sling to be an absolute life saver.

If he is soothed by being close to you do you think putting him in a baby sling/carrier would allow you to get out?

I think I would still go out for my own sanity!

How old is baby? I’m guessing you have tried the obvious things like swaddling before being put into a pram, using a sling or carrier?
Are you sure it’s not something like colic or reflux? Seems unusual for a baby to scream so much (or maybe I have forgotten the younger days)

Have you ruled out medical problems like reflux? My baby was not as bad in dune ways, but in constant pain and discomfort because of a dairy allergy that we were being told he didn't have by uneducated hvs, and ended up with a pediatrician months later only to confirm he did have it. What worked for us is changing a pram into one of those where you can regulate the surface, so they don't lie flat on it (also he could see more of the outside than in a carrycot), a sling (once we found a one that worked for him) and of course the right meds. People told us it would be something he would grow out of, but he wouldn't of we didn't push for a diagnosis!

How old is the baby?

He’s 2.5 months. He does have a bit of wind and we have tried everything for colic infacol, gripe water, colief etc. The thing is because he screams for example if his dummy falls out or because I put him in the car seat/bouncer I don’t think it’s gas or reflux...?

Oh gosh, that sounds far too familiar. Ds1 was the same, he wouldn't tolerate a buggy or car seat until he was over 1. He lived in the Tula carrier.

Have you got a sling library near you? If your sling makes your back hurt it simply just might not be the one best suited to you. At a sling library you'd be able to test and try out different makes to find one that might fit better.

I wouldn't give up on going out totally, you will get very isolated and possibly depressed only having a clingy baby for company.

How old is your baby? Maybe local baby and toddler groups would help, my two have always loved watching the other children and the noise generally drowns out the crying a little. It would do you the world of good to get out for a tea and chat with other mums.

Do you have any friends who could come to see you? Nice ones who will understand the situation, I mean. At the moment you're in the thick of it. Is your health visitor helpful?

My first was like this OP and I often persisted in going out, going to baby groups etc because I thought I ‘should’. I used to feel incredibly stressed and anxious as he would inevitably scream hysterically! So I don’t think you’re doing the wrong thing at all. However just be careful you don’t end up too isolated yourself. I struggled using a sling with him but on my next child I used an Ergo and it was really fine for my slightly dodgy back- and a total sanity saviour for getting out & about without screaming. Good luck OP, it’s really hard having a very fussy baby but it will get easier eventually!

Whatever works. It's early days op, plenty of time for groups etc later on .

Babies do cry a lot when they're very small (mine actually cried less when he was out though). You might find he starts getting a bit better in the next month.

I had one like that. I ended up doing things like grocery shopping late at night and really never went anywhere with her. I used a back carrier for her to sit in on my back when I was cooking when she got to the stage of sitting up on her own. Before then I used to put her in her little bouncy seat on the kitchen table with several rubber gloves under it to keep it from gravitating close to the edge from bouncing, just so that I could cook and engage her all at the same time. She hated the sling - cried in terror. Hated the car - could cry non-stop for hours. Hated the supermarket - muzak, lights, smells, the whole experience seemed to overwhelm her.

I also had back ache from carrying her around all the time and it was less trying and exhausting for me to just stay at home and hope she would eventually unwind a little, which she did - though she has a very different personality from her siblings even now in her 20s.

The one place she loved - really, really loved - was the kitchen sink. We had a lovely deep double sink and I used to clean one side and sit her in the warm water for ages. She would splash away happily. It made up for just about everything. For those half hours I didn't miss company or adult conversation (none possible anyway when someone is screaming at a high decibel) and felt a fantastic sense of triumph and joy.

Have you read the book 'The Fussy baby Book: Parenting Your High Needs Baby' by William and Martha Sears?
It was the only book that ever came close to describing my dear little screechy DD. I cried when I read it.

The Fussy Baby Book: Parenting Your High-Need Child From Birth to Age Five

Ignore the title in my last post..

Urgh I had two of these babies.

Babies don't cry for no reason. They aren't high needs.
Something is wrong and he's telling you with all his mite.

Oh you poor love. My babies are all big now (one's on a university open day this morning!) but I was designed to only produce high needs babies who just couldn't be taken out in those early months. Those were proper 'being buried alive' months. DC3 took high needs to another level and decided not to sleep for 3 years! You're in the trenches and it is so hard. FWIW, I didn't do any baby playgroups until mine were around 6 months old.
So YANBU in the least. But absolutely try to get some quiet space for you. Do you have a supportive partner/DH/parents/anyone you can leave your baby with for a couple of hours while you either sleep/have a coffee alone or with a friend/just get some space between you and your little one? You'll need space sometimes because it can be quite soul-destroying. You can cope and then suddenly, you're just not coping. So look after your health.

One of the best investments ever (for me personally) was a Fisher Price Jumperoo (from 4 months). Babies absolutely love it! And I found it gave me respite from my demanding babies. I didn't have one for the eldest but he did have a bouncer. That too really helped.
Yours is young yet, but from 4-5 months, they're ready.

Have you tried craniosacral osteopathy? I’ve seen on Mumsnet that can be very helpful for some babies. It can help reflux, start to realign the body gently after birth trauma.

Your baby needs something to calm the system down even if there is no obvious medical reason for the screaming so I would be looking into gentle therapies like this.

Yes, yes to Dr. Sears for ALL sorts of advice!

I had a baby like this. I went insane! At 10 weeks I saw a cranial osteopath. She said baby would be worse next day and better the day after.

Next day was horrendous, day after - like a new child! She became a dream and has been ever since.

Worth a try!

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. I might suggest you visit a sling library to have your sling checked. It shouldn't hurt your back if fitted properly. Which sling is it? It might be too loose or baby too low?