To not take my high needs baby out?

[Jadefeather7]

I have a ‘high needs’ baby ie one who will fuss and cry and scream most of the time unless feeding or sleeping. He cannot be put down and mostly needs me to hold him closely and walk around with him (he often gets very upset if I sit still) He screams hysterically at normal everyday activities like nappy changes, dummy falling out, farting, being put in pram or car seat. It seems like a temperament issue to me and the HCPs that I’ve spoken to, rather than a medical one so there isn’t much we can do except for wait for him to hopefully grow out of it. As a result I rarely take him out any where. If I go for a walk he will usually start screaming in the pram after 5-10 minutes. I don’t take him to baby groups and I have been avoiding NCT meet-ups as well. He seems to get nothing out of it as he’s always upset and I get really anxious and just want to leave. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing though. Would you go out if your baby was crying and screaming most of the time?

I was you. Had everyone under the sun saying it must be reflux or colic or whatever, but no, he was just a very high needs baby. A very frustrated, very high needs baby.

Couldn't be put down, couldn't go to baby groups, no coffee shops for 2 years. No one understands what it's like with a high needs baby unless you have one. It DOES get better, so much better- it just takes time until they start to understand more about the world around them and can start verbalising etc.

I also recommend osteopathy.

I do have some family support. DH is helpful on weekends and evenings. My mum and MIL also take him for about 2 hours each week. I’m managing ok but I would have really liked to have got to know other mums but it seems impossible :(

We tried cranial osteopathy but the practitioner didn’t really see many issues that needed fixing

Oh OP, it is so tough. How old is he now?

My DD was a high needs baby and I had very similar issues to you. Absolutely screamed if put in the car, pram or with anyone other than me most of the time. Wanted to be held constantly. I spent a LOT of time dancing around to a Disney playlist I made as it was the only thing that would soothe her at times. This actually worked out well because she seemed to develop good associations to the music and I could then use it to soothe her at other times- I could play it in the car eventually and it would keep her happy on short journeys.

I avoided going out too much, I went to one baby group a week but often had to leave early or sometimes I just wouldn’t go if she was having a really bad day. She used to get over stimulated and hysterical very quickly. It is a shit feeling when your baby is the only one screaming amongst other happy, chilled babies and you can sense people staring at you.

People with easier, happy babies just don’t get it. I used to feel so guilty when people asked me if I was enjoying being a parent and I would want to answer no. But who would enjoy being screamed at and feeling on edge and anxious constantly?!

DD is now 19 months and honestly, it’s a totally different story. She is so happy, so funny and generally an absolute delight to be around. She can still be a little tyrant but is now starting to understand and respond well to boundaries and my life is just so much better as a result.

I would say we had improving turning points at around 7 months, 12 months and then a huge turnaround at 16 months when she started sleeping through (her sleep was literally horrific before this point).

It will get better, hang in there.

I had a high needs baby first time round. I did get very sick of people asking me whether it was reflux 😂 It wasn’t, he was just very firmly stuck in the 4th trimester and very unhappy to be earthside.
5 months was a bit of a turning point and 10 months was a total game-changer. He is now a wonderful little boy who fusses less than my friends’ kids (although when he tantrums you REALLY know about it. People stop and stare).

Anyway, I persisted and took him to groups because I felt he needed a change of scene (and god knows I did), and very occasionally he wouldn’t scream through the whole thing. We had most success with baby singing and baby massage, both in a relaxed environment where if he was just melting I could leave the room with him and calm him, or just leave the group entirely if he was being too disruptive. I remember his major trigger was “hickory dickory dock” where you kind of go up the scale... he would scream every time. Oh, it was a hard time. All my friends seemed to have chilled babies too.

It will get better, do what you need to survive

2.5 months is still pretty early. Your baby might calm down a bit later. I didn't do baby groups until mine was a few months older because a lot of them stopped for summer and I've still made mum friends.

YANBU, do whatever you need to do to get through it.
I always hated it when people said songs were the answer. They're pretty miserable I'm Summer, and they all get uncomfortable after a while.
However, I did find this sling worked a bit better for Summer. It's made of thin fabric with little holes in it: www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B01DTC7QM0/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_QIdiDb6ABFPQ6?tag=mumsnetforu03-21
I could spend most of a Summer day with my daughter in it, and it's fairly cheap. Other thing I found were ring slings, as they don't cover your back... but they're not as cheap new, so worth a sling library visit before investing.

I had a high needs baby , I lost a lot of friends because they couldn't understand why I wouldn't meet in a coffee shop .. shame but some people can't understand when they had a lovely placid baby.

Oh and as @ChocolateRaisin says, singing/music was good - I spent all my car journeys singing nursery rhymes (even with people in the car ) because I did it so often it became very comforting. I hated it but it was preferable to listening to screaming.

Just to add, the only way I could get out of the house and not have screaming meltdowns most of the time was with a baby carrier. If yours is hurting your back it’s probably not a good fit for you. I can carry my DD still now with no issues in my carrier for hours.

I have an ergo 360 and also a JPMB carrier and both have been excellent. I could never try a sling library, she would have gone absolutely nuts but I just did loads of research and would have returned the carrier if it didn’t fit well.

By the way have you checked he isn't in pain or scared ? I know believe my son was in pain and couldn't see very well so everything was overwhelming .. this isn't always the case , some babies just cry ALOT but maybe worth getting him checked .

Now not know

Gosh reading some of these messages brings it all back, @gubbsywubbsy I couldn’t meet in coffee shops either, and got a lot of looks from friends when I asked if we could do a park or something instead so I could stand and jiggle him without getting in people’s way.

@Impatienceismyvirtue it was a horrible horrible time ..
my son has turned out to have special needs ( not really related ) and it's slot easier than that noise and stress all day every day for sure .

"The thing is because he screams for example if his dummy falls out or because I put him in the car seat/bouncer I don’t think it’s gas or reflux...?"

These are all exact reflux symptoms.

Everything you've said suggests baby has reflux.

My middle kid was like this, it was awful and yep I avoided going out because everytime I did it was just stressful...it really didn't do much for my mental health though and I had little support network around me. He was nearly 2 before he grew out of it (and that was with significant medication for reflux) - he was fine at nursery but never settled at the childminder and was given notice for us to leave after 6 months. He is still demanding now at 7 and does things differently,

prioritise your and babies well being and if that means you don't go out much at the moment then that's fine but don't let it dictate you or stop you doing something if you want to do it

DS2 was like this, and didn't sleep until weaned at 27 months. It was sheer, unmitigated hell. Do what you need to do, rest as much as you can and limit your stress as much as possible. It will pass, but dig in now psychologically for the long haul. X

Sounds like my DS2. He was diagnosed with silent reflux at 3.5 months, special formula and medication and he was much happier.

Not a problem, OP. My son was the same. Just do whatever suits you - the baby won't remember a thing from this age.

At this age the baby groups are for you to socialise and get support, not baby. If you would benefit from spending more time with other mums then I would try to find a way to do this.

Have you got an ergonomic sling fitted by someone with experience of slings? Some standard slings sold on high street are terrible for your back. If you have a sling library nearby or any sling consultants in your area I'd contact them. My eldest was only happy sleeping in the sling when out until a year old, so a decent ergonomic sling was a lifesaver.

I often met other mums for a walk outside rather than in a baby group or coffee shop.

@spinn I’m curious what makes you think the screaming at the dummy falling out would suggest that it’s reflux? Do reflux babies also have a need for the parent to be moving around? He’s usually content for about 15-20 mins after a feed and then the fussiness starts. Hardly ever throws up (I know there is however the silent reflux possibility)

I had a very crying baby and it was reflux but a cranial osteopath said she had had a very fast birth (I did not tell her that, but it was 100% true! Very weird) and that sometimes the shock of a fast birth can cause them some issues. It was all very weird she was about 5 months and the woman did some stuff with her spine and she was much better afterwards!

The sucking of the dummy stops the acid burn from the reflux.

The car seat position is bad for exhasberating reflux.

Also I thought with reflux they would just hate lying flat whereas he hates the bouncer and car seat which are more upright. He seems ok over my shoulder or lying across me tummy to tummy sometimes.

@Jadefeather7 happy after the feed and then uncomfortable after 10 mins could be reflux. Mine was often projectile sick but she also couldn’t be burped easily. She’s 15 now and still can’t burp easily!

Do try different wraps rather than slings - they shouldn't give you back ache.

My first screamed if put down flat so the pram was impossible and I barely used it. She was easier than your baby because as long as I was holding her vertical she was very happy. I had a Babybjörn with dc1 which gave me back ache so I stopped using it and just carried her.

I used a didymous wrap with dc2 pretty much all the time as I had a small age gap and needed my hands free - never got back ache and carried him for hours and hours every day until he was crawling - and he was a big baby, 99th centile.

Do try wraps for getting out, it's worth a go.