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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not take my high needs baby out?

146 replies

Jadefeather7 · 06/07/2019 06:14

I have a ‘high needs’ baby ie one who will fuss and cry and scream most of the time unless feeding or sleeping. He cannot be put down and mostly needs me to hold him closely and walk around with him (he often gets very upset if I sit still) He screams hysterically at normal everyday activities like nappy changes, dummy falling out, farting, being put in pram or car seat. It seems like a temperament issue to me and the HCPs that I’ve spoken to, rather than a medical one so there isn’t much we can do except for wait for him to hopefully grow out of it. As a result I rarely take him out any where. If I go for a walk he will usually start screaming in the pram after 5-10 minutes. I don’t take him to baby groups and I have been avoiding NCT meet-ups as well. He seems to get nothing out of it as he’s always upset and I get really anxious and just want to leave. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing though. Would you go out if your baby was crying and screaming most of the time?

OP posts:

Esspee · 06/07/2019 07:32

Babies are not just fussy. Your LO is telling you there is something wrong. Please keep trying to discover what.
My first guess would be dairy allergy.

Original poster

Jadefeather7 · 06/07/2019 07:33

@spinn I didn’t know that, thank you. I’ve seen two GPs and they’ve both dismissed reflux and said it’s colic and he will grow out of it. I have private healthcare. Beginning to think I should just make an appointment with a paediatrician without a referral. The insurer never asks to see the letter anyway

OP posts:

Dandelion1993 · 06/07/2019 07:37

By avoiding going out you'll make it worse.

You need to get out and find ways of dealing with it. The first few times will be awful but it will get better.

Verite1 · 06/07/2019 07:37

I had a high needs baby who turned out to have undiagnosed posterior tongue tie (so was hungry and windy most of the time - oh the guilt!). Have you had that checked out by an expert. We had it snipped at 12 weeks and before long she was a different baby.
As for classes I did go to an antenatal Pilates class where teacher was totally understanding and would help by holding DD while she screamed. I tried to go to that as it helped to lift the depression I was sinking into. But didn’t bother with anything else.

spinn · 06/07/2019 07:38

Certainly no harm in seeing paed.

Our first paed responded to us and said babies don't cry for hours every day without reason so it needs checking.

Do some reading up in advance on what reflux is and possible treatment options, I'm a few years out of date so don't want to give incorrect info. Reflux is closely linked to milk allergy so keep an eye on that too.

floribunda18 · 06/07/2019 07:40

Have you tried any baby massage at all? I don't mean classes, just gently massaging him after a bath. It's a nice thing for both of you anyway and there are videos online to show how to do it to help relieve reflux as well.

spinn · 06/07/2019 07:40

Write down all of the issues and do a 24 hour log of feeds, nappies, contented time and screams, sleeps etc
Once it's in front of you in writing gp/paed tend to take more action.

Would go private - will take a while to see nhs paed anyway.

hormonesorDHbeingadick · 06/07/2019 07:40

Definitely not silent reflux? Does he want to held upright at all times? It’s sounding just like my refluxy baby.

Newyearnewunicorn · 06/07/2019 07:41

I had a high needs baby and it turned out to be cmpa
Constantly upset babies and toddlers are trying to tell you something is not right. It can be difficult to get hcps to take it seriously though

Runbitchrun · 06/07/2019 07:45

I had a baby who screamed for the first year of her life near enough. I essentially carried her in a sling for 9 months. If she was with me and moving, she want too bad. She also slept through the night, so it was bearable. I still took her out because I had a toddler who needed to do things and because I would have gone insane if I’d stayed in. Keeping us both busy was better, without doubt. Yes, it was stressful, but most parents understand. I only did one or two organised groups a week, the rest was parks, walking, shops, etc.

MrsBudd · 06/07/2019 07:45

I've got one who was like this! He's nearly two and things have improved loads. I wish I'd gone out more when he was tiny as I think it would have helped my own wellbeing. But I felt just like you, it's so hard when you see others with settled babies snoozing in their prams while their mums have a coffee! Hope you have real life support but feel free to pm me if you want to chat.

Readytogogogo · 06/07/2019 07:49

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. I might suggest you visit a sling library to have your sling checked. It shouldn't hurt your back if fitted properly. Which sling is it? It might be too loose or baby too low?

Please take this advice. If the sling works a bit then it's worth trying everything to find one that is comfortable. I love my ergobaby, it was £100 but have used it so much.

LostInNorfolk · 06/07/2019 07:49

That isn't what high needs means. It is complex medical needs and disabilities. Profound and multiple disabilities.

Original poster

Jadefeather7 · 06/07/2019 07:52

I will look into getting an appointment with paediatrician ASAP.

One thing is that my baby sleeps pretty well at night in his crib. 4 hour stretch and then a 2-3 hour stretch. He’s also started to nap better in the day because I’ve stopped trying to put him down which always wakes him up and now I just hold him. The crying and screaming is pretty random eg he will be calm for 10-15 mins then start fussing or screaming then calm then screaming rather than it being constant. I need to make a note of how his day went like someone suggested above. Anyway these are the things that made me feel like it’s not medical and he just gets angry at not being held. I thought doctors might dismiss the idea of reflux for that reason...

OP posts:

MotherOfSoupDragons · 06/07/2019 07:53

What Lost said.

stillworkingitout · 06/07/2019 07:55

Just skim read your replies and I think silent reflux/cmpa is a definite possibility. Is he breast or bottle fed? Breastfed you could try eliminating dairy from your own diet for a minimum of 3 weeks and see what happens. Worth trying to get a paeds appointment - not always easy for babies to do this privately though if you are in the south I can recommend a good allergy paed (not sure if you would need to see a general paed first).

Original poster

Jadefeather7 · 06/07/2019 07:56

Is it ok to have a baby in a sling for hours on end? He was a breech baby and although his hip scan has been ok I still feel a bit worried about having him in one for too long. He does also seem to tire of it after a while! I think he finds the fabric restrictive and warm. I have a close Caboo lite the summer version (actually got it from a sling library)

OP posts:

User8888888 · 06/07/2019 07:56

Have you ruled out allergies? All the babies I’ve known that have been like this had cmpa.

Missmopfromcalifornia · 06/07/2019 08:04

Like lots of other posters have said I would look into trying a sling library if there’s one near you. Or an online one if funds allow. Or even join a Facebook group as I’ve seen loads of great advice and support on them. Some of the slings on the market are absolutely not great for wearing for any period of time. My youngest had reflux caused by a dairy allergy and did nothing but breastfeed, scream and want to be held upright for the majority of her early days. So I feel your pain The sling helped so much when I had no choice but to need to get on with things.

I had to go out twice a day due to school runs. I will say though that sometimes the screaming was lots easier to cope with when I was out in the fresh air. And I felt better after a walk. But you honestly need to do whatever works for you to help you get through it. And sod worrying about anyone else and what they think.

I’m definitely no baby expert, but it may be worth exploring with health visitor or gp if you do think there’s a cause or baby is in discomfort. For us cutting out dairy resulted in a different baby over a few weeks.

FancyACarrot · 06/07/2019 08:05

I have had a couple of bouts of acid reflux myself recently! it was relentless and horrible, can definitely see how the dummy could give temporary relief. Definitely see a paediatrician to rule out silent reflux, CMPA etc.

Ponoka7 · 06/07/2019 08:05

It's fine to have your baby in a sling, all day.

Traditionally and in other cultures tjey tie their babies to them and get on with their day.

What you are describing is a digestive issue.

You are your baby's natural pain killer and soother, which is why being on your chest etc works. But so is suckling, which is why a dummy is wanted.

Car seats etc aren't quite upright, which is why they are bad for breathing.

Colic should be passing at three months, so perhaps your GP will stop fobbing you off.

As said, it's early days, so do what works. But look for a sling that doesn't hurt your back and get out more when he's three months plus.

Fatted · 06/07/2019 08:05

My 'high needs' baby actually turned out to have silent reflux and probably a cows milk protein allergy. The reflux got diagnosed and sorted at 4 months and he was a different baby. The allergy not until he was 3 and diagnosed with asthma. Doctor heard all the symptoms of when he was a baby and said it was probably that!!

Like others have said your baby is crying for a reason and don't be fobbed off by doctors who tell you babies are meant to cry.

Please don't isolate yourself. I did and I made myself thoroughly miserable when DS1 was a baby.

If he likes being walked around, then he probably likes being upright. Which is making me think reflux. Both my boys loved being upright laid against my chest or over my shoulder. Hated the pram because it was flat.

azulmariposa · 06/07/2019 08:09

I don't think that's high needs. I think it's called completely normal! If he's only 8/9 weeks then it's natural that he wants to be close to you.
Also, your anxiety about him crying is a bit of a vicious cycle as he will pick up on that and, he will carry on crying.
It will get better, if he's not hungry, wet or in pain, then he's just wanting cuddles from you. As for crying in the pram, my dd did this until I brought a cheap stroller as soon as she could sit up. She just wasn't comfortable in the £700 travel system! Lol! She was too nosy and wanted to see what was going on and not staring at me all the time.
Persevere at going for a walk. Its good for both of you going out and getting some fresh air. Even if it's a short trip out, just the two of you, make it a little longer and longer each day.
I must admit it hated the mother and baby groups, they were some kind of hell!

It will get easier

Original poster

Jadefeather7 · 06/07/2019 08:09

Those with reflux babies are your babies sometimes ok with being put down? For example mine will cry and scream at 50% of nappy changes and is fine for the other 50%. He’s ok in the pram for the first 15 minutes or so and then he kicks off...

OP posts:

mumofpickles · 06/07/2019 08:09

You could be describing my youngest word for word including screaming in car seat and bouncer. he had silent reflux and at 5 has allergies to dairy, wheat and soya. He lived in a carrier as it was the only way to stop him screaming. He is now a happy 5 year old but we needed the right paediatrician to help us. Again several doctors told me babies cry - colic is normal and asked if I was depressed.

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