To not take my high needs baby out?

[Jadefeather7]

I have a ‘high needs’ baby ie one who will fuss and cry and scream most of the time unless feeding or sleeping. He cannot be put down and mostly needs me to hold him closely and walk around with him (he often gets very upset if I sit still) He screams hysterically at normal everyday activities like nappy changes, dummy falling out, farting, being put in pram or car seat. It seems like a temperament issue to me and the HCPs that I’ve spoken to, rather than a medical one so there isn’t much we can do except for wait for him to hopefully grow out of it. As a result I rarely take him out any where. If I go for a walk he will usually start screaming in the pram after 5-10 minutes. I don’t take him to baby groups and I have been avoiding NCT meet-ups as well. He seems to get nothing out of it as he’s always upset and I get really anxious and just want to leave. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing though. Would you go out if your baby was crying and screaming most of the time?

The reflux was made better with meds as she became merely fussy, rather than hysterical. She was never an easy baby but it meant we could humour and distract her to get smiles which had been impossible before when nothing worked.

Interesting what @Sheldonoscopy says about nappies and allergies. We were told by a junior doctor to try a non-diary milk and it made her extremely ill indeed. Hence I recommend going to the most senior paediatrician you're able to for advice. Her consultant paediatrician was furious that we had been advised to try non-diary milk without testing or exploring other alternatives first.

Good luck and hang in there..

I would be really interested to know what symptoms you all saw for CMPA and silent reflux.

I’ve just fed him now and he’s not happy unless he’s on my shoulder, tried to hold him against me facing forward and he started screaming :(

Are you breastfeeding? He could be lactose intolerant. I foster mums and babies and some babies temperaments are transformed by moving to a comfort or reflux formula.

I did go to about half of the NCT get togethers (although often felt stressed). Maybe just go when you feel up to it to keep the relationships up and then go more when things get easier?

Get other friends to come to you as much as possible!

@Sheldonoscopy his poos aren’t really watery or mucous from what I can tell. They are very soft which I think is normal for formula fed babies

My first was like this. It was horrendous. She had cmpa, but a lot of it is just temprement. She just hated being a baby. The good news is that it does pass, I found that with each milestone she got easier.

As for going out whatever works for you. Some people are surprisingly helpful others you just want to punch in the throat when they tell you their baby slept through from 6 weeks and have you tried this, that or the other. I do remember used to take her for walks in the buggy, as that's the only way she'd nap, also only while moving, and just put headphones on to drown out the screaming.

It's nothing you're doing wrong. Second child was a complete unicorn baby and I didn't do anything differently.

He hiccups after every feed!

@theworld - babies with dairy/soy intolerance can remain b/f if Mum is happy to maintain a diet that excludes any irritants to baby and within a few months many women can start to include some soy/dairy products in to their diet in limited amounts without any ill effects on baby.

Both of mine were dairy intolerant and although they weren't grumpy they had foamy green poo and also blood in their poo as the main symptoms. Both had all their symptoms clear up within weeks of me starting an elimination diet.

Okay so could be he is taking in air with his feed/getting wind. What size teats are you using - you might need to adjust the speed of the flow.

Op I feel for you. My dd was exactly as you describe too, she’d constantly cry in her pram and car seat, she’d usually stop crying once the car was moving for a while and then she’d start again as soon as it stopped in traffic or at lights. I had many journeys where she’d just scream the whole time.

I don’t have much advice to give as I don’t know how I got through it really. I didn’t go out much on my own, and when I did I made sure I had dd in the sling not the pushchair. I also let her just nap in my arms and took it as time to watch tv but hated sitting on the sofa when there was so much to do around the house that I couldn’t do when she was awake as I couldn’t put her down. Also if I really needed to do something like get dressed or dry my hair I put her in the bouncer watching baby sensory on YouTube - which I never imagined myself doing before I had her. It also made me feel much better to just get into a good routine of self care everyday, so if dd would be happy for 10 mins in her bouncer I’d pop her in there and have a shower, she also loved the sound of the hairdryer so as she started to get grumpy I’d dry my hair and then pop some mascara on.

I think she started to get easier from about 3months - so not long! But I warn you, high needs babies are supposedly very clever and I do believe that was the case with my dd as she was crawling at 5months and is starting to walk now at 8 1/2 months. She is quite literally into everything and my home has needed to be baby proofed to the extreme. She still isn’t keen on being confined to her pushchair but she’s much better in it and is fine in her car seat now.

I'd definitely pursue the reflux possibility, his behaviour sounds very typical.

Re: NCT group, have you been honest with them? My experience of NCT is that we're a group of women who are all doing something massive (pregnancy/birth/parenting) for the first time, totally clueless, at the same time. It's been an invaluable support network. Reach out to them. Could you maybe host a get together at your place? Or maybe a park trip in the nice weather? We're doing that a lot now, taking turns to go to each others house/park because our babies are all mobile and harder to entertain in public!

Another vote for the cranial osteopath here , I had no money at the time and I popped it on a credit card and it was worth it's weight in gold!

Mine had silent reflux and I kid you not she screamed constantly, the car seat was a nightmare.

If your back hurts using a sling it's either not a great kind, or you're doing it wrong. See if you can get to a sling meet, the will not judge you at all they have been the nicest mums going in my experience. I hated baby groups so I don't blame you for avoiding those!

craniosacral osteopathy worked miracles for my DD, chnaged her literally overnight & I didn't know it existed until she was 3 years old.

There is no harm holding baby or putting it in a sling while you put some earphones in and listen to music or an audiobook to help keep your sanity.

He’s two-and-a-half-months old - he scarcely knows he is born. You’ve had him checked out, you’ve done the cranial osteopathy, take him to a paediatrician by all means if that will reassure you and then - and this is the hardest thing of all - try to be a bit relaxed about it. I think tiny babies pick up on our stress - that’s why a crying baby will sometimes calm down if someone else takes him. There is nothing more distressing to a new mum than their baby’s cry, I really feel for you, if cuddling calms him then just do it. Put him in a sling and get out out and about - for your own sake if nothing else. It doesn’t matter if he cries when you are out - no one expects such a tiny baby to be completely silent.

The thing is because he screams for example if his dummy falls out or because I put him in the car seat/bouncer I don’t think it’s gas or reflux...?

@Jadefeather7 If your DD has silent reflux the movement or the taking away of the comfort of sucking on the dummy will affect him and he will be in pain. Dnephew had it and this was how he was, too. I think it would be worth investigating reflux and possibly seeing a cranial osteopath. Dsis says the osteopath saved her life.

I had one of these. He’s now 16 and the easiest teenager ever. 2 things helped enormously : firstly cranial osteopathy which was literally life changing and having his properly assessed for a cows milk protein intolerance and changing him onto a specialist milk. I would start with those! He didn’t become an easy baby at all but we were able to start to take him out and enjoy him

Get a good baby carrier with a back strap to support your back! Even getting out for a 20 minute walk to the shop or going for a coffee and cake will do your mental health the world of good!

Don't stay in as hard as it is let him cry in his pram, how old is he ? X

My son was exactly like this as a baby and it was incredibly draining and upsetting . I would monitor babies development as you would anyway as my son as time went by showed more and more unusual development etc . Then he was diagnosed with autism and learning difficulties just after his 2nd birthday . He is 7 now and at a specialist school.

I’m not saying this is same for your child but just to keep an eye out as your child develops and ask for help when needed as it’s so difficult .

Another possibility maybe changing to dairy free formula if you are formula feeding , or go dairy free yourself if breastfeeding .some people have found this helpful in similar circumstances

My DS was exactly the same. Wouldn't be put down, screamed constantly and at everything, barely slept, looked uncomfortable and seemed to have tummy pain, screamed when he farted. We survived by having him in a sling a lot, timing pram walks and car journeys around when we knew he was tired and would sleep etc. It was awful. He had silent reflux which was treated but which we now know was a symptom of CMPA. It's worth looking into if you haven't already. It took us ages to get it sorted and I wish we'd cut dairy earlier and spared him the discomfort.

I’m sorry I haven’t had time to read the whole thread so this may have already been suggested. If current sling gives you backache please go to a local sling meet (details often on Facebook) and find a comfy one - they will let you try for free or very little money. A good sling that doesn’t hurt could change your life and get you out the house comfortably. Good luck

Dr was very sympathetic, but there was absolutely nothing "wrong" with him, he was just "a very high needs baby". He got better at 5 months when he started to be able to sit up on his own, even better when he started walking and could really start exploring and engaging his little brain better, even even better when he started to talk and understand the world. There was and is nothing wrong with him - no, he didn't have reflux. No, he didn't have colic. No, no allergies. No, no SEN. He just needed time and massive amounts of input and energy devoted to keeping him moving around and happy.

It was worse when everyone was insistent that there MUST be something wrong with him. He couldn't possibly be "high needs" - well, he bloody was. Dr Sear was a godsend, I read that website over and over.

@YouJustDoYou that’s what I think it is. He’s just a high needs (in the Dr Sears sense) baby but obviously could be wrong and it could be reflux or CMPA as so many are saying their babies with it were the same. Did you consider reflux and CMPA and try the treatments?

One other position that he seems to like other than being on my shoulder and being walked around is when I hold him under his underarms and bounce him gently

I'd also recommend cranial osteopathy, I know you've been but if you didn't the first time maybe seek recommendations from other mums? There's lots near me but only 2 recommended for being good with babies.

Def check out the reflux, cmpa possibilities, it can't do any harm.

I would say though be honest with your friends about why you don't want to meet and even try meeting them ( if you want to). Let them see what he is like and that coffee shops are difficult for you to met. Like pps have said NCT are first times mum's who will often have very little experience of the range of different children. If you have a happy baby, who sleeps through the night at 2 months old you might not be able to understand what's so difficult about babies. Be aware those with easier babies will think it is down to thier superior parenting. You Will need to wait until the second child comes along to see them humbly renounce that 😁

I had the screamy non sleeping baby/clingy screamy toddler in my nct group and I went along because I wanted to and people sort of knew what my baby was like so could sympathise. It was really nice to be a part of a group as they grew up and they could see her blossoming with confidence. She is now almost 5, just about to start school. She is still hard work and it's her temperament for sure, but she is also a happy, confident little girl who I am proud of. Baby no 2 ( also a bit fussy and still not sleeping through by 2yo) was a piece of cake after her! Good luck!