Parents have left adopted child out of will

[changedagainly]

I have two adult children one of whom was adopted aged 2 nearly 40 years ago, neither have ever been treated any differently by myself, my parents or the rest of the family. Child does know they're adopted.

My father died a few years ago and my mother is in her 90s and terminally ill. She has a few weeks at most and is very rarely lucid. I spoke to her the other day about arrangements for when the time comes and she let me know where her will was.

I've read it and when it mentioned grandchildren, my siblings children are all mentioned, as is one of my children. But not my adopted child.

I don't know what to do, obviously I can't do anything but I'm so worried this will destroy my child. They have always been so loving and caring to my parents and in fact are the only grandchild who has constantly cared for both my parents and given up huge amounts of their time and gone above and beyond to look after them both and especially my mother, they visit and care for her every day.

I just can't understand why when they are so close to this child they would exclude them? The will was written a long time ago but child was still in their early teens.

AIBU to be so upset?

Could there be something else going on here? Did your DM give your DC money for something at some point and not the others with the agreement it would be evened out through inheritances? I mention it because I have a sibling and two cousins and my grandma gave me some money towards our house deposit on the understanding that it will be made equal via her will. All a bit morbid for me but my grandma is very proud to have something to leave and is very fair. Could something similar have happened that you’ve forgotten? Or didn’t know about??

@scubadive, as appalling as this is for the op and her ds going to a 90 odd year olds death bed outraging and demanding is inappropriate.
It’s her decision and I in no way think its right but I would give my ds a share from my own.

I understand why you have come to your decision OP, but in your shoes I would give her the chance to put this right.

It can’t get worse but it could get better if she said “but of course I want both your children to inherit! “.

I know a family where this happened and it ripped them apart. Like others, I think you have to ask the question why or it will play on your mind for years. It is inexcusable. They have known the child since he was tiny and all of this ‘blood is thicker than water’ rubbish is vile when this child has been part of the family for all of its memorable life and is close now.

can they leave anyone they like money.i have no idea about this type of thing but all those years ago would they have been adviced unwittingly by some solicotr that its harder to give to an adopted child?(cannot see how this would be right or possible though!) im just trying to think of some fathomable reason why this could happen.

i wouldnt want to tell the child either.but then my worry is that these things always (somehow secrets kept always have a way of) coming out.and then how much more hurt would they be you didnt tell them.theyd lived a lie.and now your in trouble with the child instead of it being about the grandparent.and would they then not see you are protecting them but another person they loved lying to them.
oh it so difficult and im so sorry your having to go through this.
big hugs to you all.

agree with TheRedBarrows.

maybe as stupid suggestion but...you say she is barely lucid.is there any points she is.and perhaps then you could say "thanks for telling us where the will is mum.i was reading through and it say (what it does) and i wanted to chekc this is right or there has been some kind of mistake because somehow (your child) name isnt on there?

This must be horrible for you op. My dds were not mentioned in my Dad’s will, because it was written before they were born, and he had never updated it, but it did hurt, even though it was due to his ill health, i reacted with emotion not logic.
So trying to be logical, WHY would she do this ? She must have known that your child would know, so why ? Was it a brief update of an earlier will and she simply forgot to add your child ? If your Mum was generally a loving and kind person it is a very strange thing to do, so I wonder if it is simply a mistake, but because of your child being adopted, it feels as though that is the reason ?
She must have been a loving Granny for your child to be so caring with her, so to me , some mishap seems more likely than a deliberate cut out.
I would probably ask my Mum, gently, because it is the only chance you will ever get to ask.
Wills are viewable, as others have mentioned, so if you never ask, you may never have any explanation if your dc asks you why she did this. Was there an earlier will, is this definitely the most recent will ?

I would like to know how a “rarely lucid” terminally ill 90-odd year old with only weeks to go could possibly put this right in any way.

Don’t tell the grandchildren how the money is split. As long as beneficiaries as named get what’s bequeathed to them it’s up to the OP how she uses her own share.

I have just clocked the “parents” bit properly. So this is not your Mum’s will, it is your parents together ? Your Dad might have made this decision ? Perhaps before dc was born, or perhaps for another reason ?

Don’t tell the grandchildren how the money is split. As long as beneficiaries as named get what’s bequeathed to them it’s up to the OP how she uses her own share.

Beneficiaries have to get given a copy of the will when the executor distributes the estate, so all the GC who are in the will will be aware that there is one GC who isn't....

*Beneficiaries have to get given a copy of the will when the executor distributes the estate, so all the GC who are in the will will be aware that there is one GC who isn't....^

As far as I was aware, the executors can choose to let the beneficiaries see the will or have a copy but it’s not a requirement. The co-op goes into more England and Wales relevant information. If there is no acrimony in the family I don’t see why grandchildren who are receiving a gift would necessarily put in a request to view it. www.co-oplegalservices.co.uk/media-centre/articles-may-aug-2018/who-is-entitled-to-read-a-will-after-death/

I wouldn't ask her to change it, but I would ask her why.

Op you must be feeling torn apart by this too. I think it will eat away at you for years to come if you don't ask if its an error.

I guess it depends on the lucid moments.

You don't think she could have miss understood the adoption and thought the DC was only fostered?

Magicseeker the will was written when the DC was a young teen so highly unlikely to have received a loan or anything.

Beneficiaries do not automatically receive a copy of a will. They can obtain one if they want to, can apply for it online. However most people don't bother and are just happy with whatever they've been left.

I am so sorry that your mother has done this to you and your child. I have to say, and I know this sounds harsh as she is terminally ill, but I would not forgive this. To know that all along, she has considered your child as not really your child, not where it counts - that would just be the last we spoke to each other. I know exactly what you mean about it not being about money. It's about finding out your beloved mother did not love your child, did not consider her family, and carried that small-minded, cold-hearted pettiness into a concrete insult. She found a way to tell you exactly how little she cared, and to tell your child. That's devastating.

I would now want everyone to agree to vary the will. Not because I wanted the money. But because I would want my whole family to close ranks around my child and say that this was totally unacceptable.

I hope you find a way through. I feel very deeply for you.

My aunt died childless and left her estate divided between three nieces and a great-niece (who had been her live-in primary caretaker for five years). When she went to her lawyer to legalize her wishes, the LAWYER advised her not to leave anything to her great-niece who was not only "adopted" (shudder) but also "not even white"! Aunt found a new lawyer who wrote the will the way she wanted. Maybe this was not totally your mother's wishes?

After my AM (adoptive mother) died a few years ago, my ASis (adoptive sister) who is apparently a bio child and executor of the Will, got great satisfaction in telling me there was nothing in the estate for me as it was all left to her. She is well known for her nastiness etc so this was no surprise and I decided to be the better person, hold my head high and although our relationship had been spasmodic for many years, I had no hesitation in going NC and that will never change.

For around the previous 10+ yrs AS had access to AM's bank account (had obtained the PIN) and was slowly draining funds and I had been expecting to be handed an invoice for funeral costs rather than an inheritance. I had told AM funds were being depleted without her knowledge, but told to myob...so I did! For me it wasn't about the money (although that would have been nice) but it said more about the people who raised me than anything else and that's something I could never change.

OP I genuinely feel for your DS and as he's an adult I'm sure he can accept the decision, but nothing will stop the hurt.....it cuts you inside! Please don't keep the secret, he will find out some day and think less of you for not being open and upfront.

Sorry you are in this position, but at least you've had some prior warning.

Omg Georgia when was that?

I understand why you have come to your decision OP, but in your shoes I would give her the chance to put this right.

Agree.
It might not be possible to talk her about it but if the chance comes up I would ask her. Otherwise it will colour your memory of your DM and you will always wonder why. The will was written decades ago and she might have forgotten the details, especially as it's not the major bequest.

I have mixed emotions around adoption for a number of reasons, primarily about it erasing the past and also about signing children over as property with the recipients being in a higher position of privilege than the original parents.
Is it possible the parents had similar mixed feelings of their own?

Lovechaos doesn't matter what the feelings are towards the legal process of adoption.
You should not allow somebody to do a chunk of caring for you and exclude them from your will.

Given that the will was written decades ago, it is difficult for any of us to know what they were thinking when they wrote it. Maybe it was blood is thicker than water, maybe the thought that your DC would get something from bio parents or maybe they just cocked up. Your DM probably can’t remember the reason now.

I know you are hurt and understandably so but think if it is an odds with how they have treated your DC in the last 20+ years.

The will really can’t be changed, but depending on just how lucid your DM’s lucid moment are, if you could raise it with her then it might be possible to tell your child with a clear conscience “the formal will didn’t include you because it was very old and never updated. I know DM wanted to change it to include you but she left it too late for that to be legally possible - so we’ve agreed (or I’ve decided) to split the money to reflect her actual wishes.” Knowing that it was an error that she now regrets would make everything easier for both you and your child, and you could truthfully reassure your mother that you’ll fix it for her.

Even if my mother remained confused, I would endeavour to have a quiet, calm conversation with her along the lines of those above, even if I didn’t get much response from her, so that I could honestly tell my child that we had had that conversation, just in case they ever got wind that I had given them money from my portion of the inheritance as their grandmother had left them out of her will.

Fish legs- op would need to be careful if she tried to talk to a confused, terminally ill patient about the will (even if not expressly asking for will to be changed to the benefit of her child) especially as she is the executor because it could be misconstrued.

I also very much doubt she’s get a rational or helpful response from her mother, even if she did get an explanation it would be quite difficult to be sure that the reason you got was the real one, misremembered or complete confabulation (common in confusion/cognitive impairment/ delirium).