Parents have left adopted child out of will

[changedagainly]

I have two adult children one of whom was adopted aged 2 nearly 40 years ago, neither have ever been treated any differently by myself, my parents or the rest of the family. Child does know they're adopted.

My father died a few years ago and my mother is in her 90s and terminally ill. She has a few weeks at most and is very rarely lucid. I spoke to her the other day about arrangements for when the time comes and she let me know where her will was.

I've read it and when it mentioned grandchildren, my siblings children are all mentioned, as is one of my children. But not my adopted child.

I don't know what to do, obviously I can't do anything but I'm so worried this will destroy my child. They have always been so loving and caring to my parents and in fact are the only grandchild who has constantly cared for both my parents and given up huge amounts of their time and gone above and beyond to look after them both and especially my mother, they visit and care for her every day.

I just can't understand why when they are so close to this child they would exclude them? The will was written a long time ago but child was still in their early teens.

AIBU to be so upset?

Speak to your siblings and ask them to include your child. If in agreement you can do formally via deed if variation. Or pay from your portion if they disagree? In our family DH and I did similar informally and just wrote the cheques from the executor account.

OP can of course pay out of her share to the GC who was left out but I guess this is more about the emotional side of being left out and very clearly being told 'we don't consider you as family' rather than the financial side and she'd like to avoid her child having the hurt from this.

You are fortunate to be receiving ANY money at all.

It's either a mistake or they have that old fashioned blood thing going on.

Either way you have very decently decided to give your left out child the same amount.
That is v cool .
No one needs to know differently.

Again , you are fortunate the pot is big enough ! (Yes I know it's not all about the money but you are still very fortunate )

We are of a different generation. There are so many things we don't agree with the older generations about.

It has always been like this !

No one needs to know differently
Except the will is a publicly available document that literally anyone can get a copy of. That's also leaving out that usually beneficiaries get a copy of the will and accounts. It only takes one of the beneficiaries to mention it. It's not the money that's important, it's the left out of the will bit. That will really sting when OPs child finds out they were left out deliberately.

They'll just have to get on with it. OPs Mum is entitled to leave her money to whoever she wants. Lifes not fair, as long as the child is well and working I don't really see the issue. Shes owes them nothing at all.

We’ve done the beneficiaries getting a copy of the will ad nauseum. Most don’t.

@Boysey45 but why does the child deserve to be treated differently? What would be the reason to single out one child?

They'll just have to get on with it. OPs Mum is entitled to leave her money to whoever she wants. Lifes not fair, as long as the child is well and working I don't really see the issue. Shes owes them nothing at all.

This really isn’t the point is it?

This is an extremely hurtful thing to do to a grandchild who’s been in your life from a very young age, who no doubt already carries emotional scars as a result of being adopted and, most importantly, is the only one of the grandchildren who’s there caring for the grandmother regardless of her not being a blood relative.

We all know that people can leave money to whomever they wish. That’s not the bloody point. This is a cruel omission and would be devastating and anyone who doesn’t understand that is devoid of empathy.

Life's not all about money though and who gets what etc.I wish OP well but I'd concentrate on what they have got in life not what everyone else has been left.

@Boysey45 OP has pointed out it's not about the money though, it's about being left out.

The DGM not leaving money to the adopted DGC won't make them destitute, but the action may well break their heart?

@plasterboots is right, @Boysey45 - leaving the adopted child out says clearly to that child “You don’t REALLY belong in this family!” Can’t you see how hurtful that would be?

You are right Boysey, it's bonds of affection that count.

It will be very hard for the child to believe that the bond of affection was a two way street if he learns the contents of the will, which was clearly intended to discriminate between biological and adopted grandchildren. The very obvious conclusion he will likely draw is that only the biological grandchildren deserved the monetary token of affection and the adopted grandchild wasn't really a family member but was suffered for the sake of appearances.

The most important thing is your relationship with that person. Clearly OP’s child is very close to their GM if she’s doing a large share of the caring. At present they feels like they’re seen no differently from the other GC.

Imagine how it would feel to find that they do see you differently after all and don’t consider you family in the same way as their biological grandchildren. Imagine this especially in the context of being the one GC who helps the GM out.

It’s not about the money. It’s about the other GC all being named in the will, and this GC not being mentioned at all, as if they don’t exist.

The money is not the issue. If this were me, and I found out, it would shake the whole basis of how I see myself as part of this family.

It doesn’t matter if it’s lots of money, £10 each, or a memento. It’s the omission / exclusion that’s the issue, and the fact that if they do ever find out the GM will be dead and they’ll never get to ask why they were excluded.